<p>
We’re 100% full freight and our kids own their search and decision 100% (to be honest we have not had to deal with a process/decision that was wacky which is the true test of our approach … yet).</p>
<p>We are still mulling decisions here…Broadly speaking, I think I shaped the application list to exclude schools we would have been unwilling to support. </p>
<p>Now that acceptances are being weighed, we have told son that we are willing to commit to a cash contribution of $100,000 (with the possibility of more if finances improve, 18 months ago our mental number was $150,000 although we hadn’t shared that explicitly with son). In addition his father will put in $20,000, he has $12,000 in unrestricted merit scholarship. Anything left over can be put toward grad school or other needs. Anything beyond the total budget he will probably be responsible for. </p>
<p>With merit money offers ranging from $0- $120,000, the undergraduate degree cost of his acceptances range from $60,000 to possibly $220,0000. The decision is his. If I had a strong preference I would push toward it, but frankly, I am as confused as he is.</p>
<p>I don’t know if it’s wholly a money issue. We are full freight, but even if our daughter were to pay for all of it, her decision would still be very much shaped by our opinion. I am very dubious whenever parents say it’s 100% of their kid’s research/decision. Really? I don’t make a job change without consulting my family and friends. I may think it’s my decision, but not really.</p>
<p>
Good question. When I said 100% kid … I meant 100% kid driven and they totally have the final decision … along the way we answered questions <em>when asked</em>, discussed things <em>when asked</em>, and provided support <em>when asked</em> … there was virtually no pushing from the parents which is why I said 100% kid decision.</p>
<p>I agree with OldFort. Irrespective of who pays, it is a joint decision. if I felt that my child’s choice was not in his best interest (fit, quality of education, peer group) I would do everything in my power to convince him. In the same way, I would listen carefully to his arguments. In fact, that is exactly what happened. We dissuaded him from one choice, he dissuaded us from another, and convinced us of a third, where he is currently thriving and happy.</p>
<p>I agree, if the child is going to be spending ten yrs after grad. paying back the loans than it is thir decision. My father influenced my selection b/c he was going to pay, 4 mos later he met his 2nd wife and they decided to reneg on that promise, I hated my entire collegiate career b/c I was at a school that I only went to so I wouldn’t be saddled with loans and due to circumstances I was saddled with them. </p>
<p>As a parent we want our children to be successful and fly on their own, at the same time we want them to live their dreams. If they are going to pay it back on their own than treat them like an adult…it’s their dime!</p>
<p>If you are paying the full ride or partial than you still get a vote. Our DD (rising sr) wants to apply to a OOS, we have put the kabosh on her accepting unless the FA is great. Reason why? She only wants to go there because her friends are applying, and not for the school (back story we just moved 6 mos ago from that state, so her friends from that state are applying) We have told her that is not a good enough reason. She understands, if she wants that school she better have a great FA package in comparison to the IS colleges.</p>
<p>Agree with 3togo’s post above (24). Our kids entirely drove their own process. They chose where to apply and where to attend. We did not give an opinion as to which school they should attend but waited to see which one they liked the best. Does this mean we were never involved in the process? Of course not. But our involvement was not on picking where to apply or where to attend. We were there to answer questions, bounce ideas off of, look over their materials they submitted, take them for the visits, discuss how to go about it all, and to be supportive. They would discuss and consult with us, but we were there to facilitate and support…we did not give an opinion as to where to attend, and did not give restrictions of which schools were OK and which were not or which locations or anything. Granted, we’d have been happy for them to attend any school on their list and so it is not like there was a problem for us. This is our kids’ life and it is important to us that they pick where they want to go. They owned the decisions 100% even if we were consulted or guiding them through the process. We did not have a “favorite” school for them and we did not push them to apply anywhere to to attend a certain school. We waited to see which one they would choose. We listened as they weighed various factors. </p>
<p>One graduated last May and one will graduate this May and I have to tell ya, now that they have been through their colleges, we think they picked the best fit for themselves…they knew themselves and they chose well and we could not be more pleased. We’ll be paying for it a long time though! 
Likewise, D1 is now in grad school and we went through all this again last year and the decision was hers and she had our blessing on whichever school she picked. We are also funding that. I should mention that we also got financial aid for both kids’ undergraduate educations, but did not use financial aid in the decision making process of where to attend.</p>
<p>We saw ourselves as guides, facilitators, support staff and financiers. The decisions were entirely our kids’ and we did not persuade them whatsoever on that part. But we were very involved in helping them through the college process. Admittedly, we were not in a challenging situation where our kids were making poor choices.</p>
<p>Frankly, even when my kids were young and throughout their growing up years, they chose all their summer programs too. I recall when one child was nine and the other was eleven and both wanted to attended performing arts camps away from home and we researched them and D1 liked one and D2 liked the other. It would have been a LOT more convenient for both to attend the same one. But we let each child choose and I have to tell you on the parent performance weekends, we were shuttling between both camps (luckily in the same region) and people at both camps could not believe we had kids attending both and not just one. However, looking back on all the years they attended, each child truly chose the best fit. One attended for 8 years and one for 4. They know themselves. We let them pick. Same with every EC they ever did. They pushed us and drove the process. We paid and drove the car. :D</p>
<p>drzhivago - that’s what we did. We didn’t have to use money as our trump card.</p>
<p>Agree with Soozie and 3togo. Obviously, we had discussions and were allowed to voice our thoughts. But the decisions belonged to our kids (and we were full-pay at that time.) Our job was to bring up kids who could think, not to tell them what to think.</p>
<p>We have discussed the list and approved it before application started with all conditions attached (primarily Cost of attendance and acceptance to certain program at each school). However, we have estimated costs before acceptances based on research and taking conservative approach. We were pleasantly surprised by Merit packages from every school that D applied. The final decision was soo smooth and totally stressless, since every college has been approved by all parties, D decided on her own. She rejected #1 because of one condition that did not satisfy her. She choose #2 because all of her conditions were met by this school. Very easy, very painless, no stress.</p>
<p>I agree garland…kids going off to college…this is their first big adult decision. We treated them as adults even though we are funding their education. As parents, we still guide our kids and they consult with us…they likely always will…but they make their own decisions if they are old enough to go to college. They are the ones who have to attend. And ya know, now that they did make these decisions, I think they truly chose in their best interests. We think they found the perfect fit. We waited to see what they decided and didn’t have an opinion. We’re happy because they are happy.</p>
<p>PS, one of my kids applied to college and started college at 16 and we still let her drive the process and all the decision making.</p>
<p>I note many of the posters on this thread are full payers whose
kids I’m assuming had multiple choices. As a low income family and
a kid with slightly above average stats, the process is so complex
that our D could never have done the research and gone through
the process without considerable help. (I have spent thousands of
hours researching). The idea that she is going to do all of this and
make a decision by herself is nonsense. 98% of colleges are beyond
our reach, finding the 2% that might work and getting accepted to
one of them is a tremendous challenge. Left up to her, as bright as
she is, she would almost definitely be going to the local cc. So again,
as it seems is so often the case, income plays a huge part in how
families even approach the college process. My D, like most low income
apps ended up with no decision to make but she was perhaps a little
luckier than most other kids in that situation - she had the opportunity
to go away to college, although obviously, not the college of her choice.
We created an opportunity, not a choice.</p>
<p>I think speedo makes a great point. It’s about opportunity. Both its costs and its rewards.</p>
<p>I also agree that even if you let the kid drive the process (as we pretty much left which schools would be a good match/fit to discussions held between S and GC), as parents we’ve been influencing our kids since they were in the womb and I ate that double cheese pepperoni pizza. 
So, to say any of it is completely of their own choosing, full freight or not, is kind of a misnomer. However, I don’t think too many parents said, “This is the school you will attend.” And whether it’s legacy or something else that’s driving the conversation, I honestly think this is the first big decision kids feel they have some ownership in. So even if we’re standing behind them, they should still have the wheel in their own hands.</p>
<p>I think it should be join. We’ll let our S make decision first and then sit down talk about it in details money, location, etc… It is so hard because of ‘financial’ involved.</p>
<p>speedo…letting kids pick where to apply and where to attend doesn’t imply that we left them alone and didn’t help with the PROCESS itself. We helped our kids a lot. They went over everything with us and asked us questions and we looked things up and arranged visits and went over their essays and resumes and so on. But we did not influence them by telling them where to apply and gave no opinion as to where to attend when their options were handed to them from the schools. We may have discussed which factors to consider and listened to their own reasoning for their own choices. We did not give an opinion as to where to attend, nor had we formulated a preference of our own. We wanted them to be happy and to make the choice themselves and we backed them on whatever choice that was. Again, this doesn’t mean they were all alone to fend for themselves in the college admissions process. But all decisions were theirs.</p>
<p>I did not care what they majored in. I did not care which school they picked as long as they were happy with the school. And they were. I think they ended up picking very wisely for themselves and they knew what they wanted.</p>
<p>Here is one MINOR example…we gave no restrictions geographically. Both D’s applied to schools on the East Coast and we live on the East Coast. Am I happy they are on the East Coast? Sure! I never told them that ahead of time. I would have supported had they chosen the West Coast.</p>
<p>S1 spent much time and energy crafting his list. That instilled a good bit of confidence on our part that he was taking the process seriously. He had excellent reasons for every school on his list, and he talked to us about the differences in programs, environments, long-term goals. etc. along the way. There was only one school I would have nixed, but it was not on his radar anyway. Personally, I loved his college process. He opened up a lot and was happy to discuss all of this stuff. Believe me, I have come to appreciate how lucky we were!</p>
<p>We are close to full pay, so we did expect that he would pursue whatever merit opportunities presented themselves among his list. (About half his list did.) We also had the financial conversation running for a long time – he knew that if he did his part academically, we would make it happen. He also knew he would have skin in the game w/Staffords, summer and term-time work, and needed to be aware that his younger brother is only two years behind. S1 had fully bought into this long before we got to junior/senior year, so I am glad we didn’t have those conflicts on top of decisions about schools. He pulled in enough internal and external merit to make his top choice affordable (he’s paying 50%+ this year, ~40% in coming years), and KNOWS he is lucky that we didn’t pressure him to take the full merit ride.</p>
<p>At the end of the day, DH, S and I each had a (different) sentimental favorite, but S made the final decision, and I think he was exactly right.</p>
<p>Although I can say that it was 100% my kids’ decision, the decision was molded over years of influence from us, so we did have a part in it. If there is some outstanding family issue involved in the college choice , finances being the biggie, parents have a lot to say about it. A kid who wants to go to a $50K+ school when no aid is offered is not being realistic if the family flat out cannot afford the cost.</p>
<p>
A very interesting way of saying exactly what I thought!</p>
<p>“I think it should be joint. We’ll let our S make decision first” </p>
<p>Fish, I think it’s fine for the kids to “decide” on a list of colleges, but for parents for whom finances are important, it is very smart of the parents to run the finaid calculators, get educated about how each of the colleges structure aid, etc. Kids can “easily” fall in love with schools that are just not in the financial realm. The colleges and news articles are full of stories about “meets need”, etc. but the reality can be quite different than the perception. Best to head off those discussions early in the game is my advice. Anecdotally, we are full pay at a goodly chunk of colleges and no where willing or able to wipe out our retirement for the most expensive colleges…whom I suspect would consider us “full pay.” We are older and middle class and our retirement money, while seemingly there for the taking since it is diversified and not all protected in IRA and 401ks…is not in our mind “available.”</p>
<p>This back and forth about the meaning of “decision” seems to be diluting what the question was. Does it mean, “who had any influence from cradle to graduation?” In that case, of course, both parents and kid will have (along with teachers and relatives and friends and books etc etc etc). Unless the kid was raised by wolves. And thus it becomes to me a vague question with a pretty much uniform answer.</p>
<p>But if it means, “who has final say?” which is a more interesting question and one which I think the OP was asking (I could be wrong), then I stand by my original answer that it was my kids’ decisions.</p>