Why is this going on? Why are my roommate and her friend(s) doing this?

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>So, I'm a freshman in college (female), and I'll tell you this right off the bat. I hate drama, and I don't do drama. Drama is ultimately what made me feel depressed and worthless during my high school years. I always try to be positive, upbeat, and outgoing.</p>

<p>I live in the residence halls on campus at the university I go to. I'm going to call my roommate Emily in this question for privacy reasons. I'm going to call her best friend Sophie.</p>

<p>At the beginning of the year, Emily and I were actually really good friends. We seemed to have a lot in common. We spent a lot of time hanging out together. Well, I knew right off the bat that she's pushy and doesn't like to share a room. When I first moved in, she had her stuff thrown everywhere, even all over my stuff. She had first pick of everything, except for which bunk she has (my mom insisted that I have bottom bunk since she had first pick of everything else). However, as time went on, it became worse. Everything had to be her way. The window had to be closed at night (even though it's probably 80 degrees in our room at night...every night). When she got a new boyfriend, I would find his stuff thrown on my stuff. They would sit on my fold-out chair TOGETHER, and they bent the legs on it. They were ALWAYS in the room, and whenever I had to study, I had to walk 15 minutes to the library. Needless to say, it got extremely frustrating. I'm a very quiet roommate- all I do is study. I have nobody over. I am understanding and easy to get along with. I am extremely nerdy, though (major science nerd- always crack a lot of science jokes), so I'm not sure if that annoys some people.</p>

<p>When it was finals week during our first semester, I had 3 finals on consecutive days (all cumulative except for one), while my roommate only had two finals that were very spaced out, with only one of them being cumulative. I needed a lot of study time, but every. Single. Day, Emily's boyfriend was in the room with her, being loud. I got extremely frustrated, and didn't know how to confront her. This wasn't the first time this had happened to me- she also did this to me quite frequently when I had some very difficult exams earlier in the trimester. My anger had built up over the semester, and frankly, I became quite cold. I guess passive-aggressive in a sense, although I never did anything directly to her. I really only gave short replies or just didn't respond to some of the things she and her boyfriend said (they would purposely act overly friendly whenever I was around to antagonize me). She had no respect for my priorities whatsoever. When she saw how upset I was, she did apologize, and allowed me to have the room that night to cram for my final that was at 8am the next day.</p>

<p>Although I didn't like my roommate, I did have some other friends on my floor. But you'll eventually read what happened to them....</p>

<p>So, the semester ended, and I told myself that I am done with being a doormat. She had pushed me around far too much and I was going to stand up for myself. When I came back to school, I was polite, and tried to come up with something fair. She hung out with her boyfriend every day, so all I asked was for Monday and Wednesday nights to study in the room since I had a difficult, demanding 8am class the next day. She agreed to it.</p>

<p>Well, somehow she decided to play a little game with me. She decided that this meant that no guests were allowed over at all ALL day on Monday and Wednesday. Hmmm, what? I had made it clear by saying NIGHTS (I know it was clear). Emily started giving me the cold treatment and making it awkward. And I was just trying to be fair by asking for two nights to study...only a few hours total!!</p>

<p>Also, this semester, her best friend Sophie moved in to our floor. Well, I used to be friends with Sophie, but I imagine that Emily told her some things about me, because Sophie stopped acknowledging me for a while. I even APOLOGIZED for giving the wrong impression (even though I never did), and she was all nice and friendly after that. Umm, not anymore. She won't even acknowledge me now, and nothing has happened since then....</p>

<p>So, my roommate and I seem to be fine now, but I can tell that she doesn't like me as a friend (and I guess I don't like her either), because she never invites me to hang out with her or anything. Sophie has unfriended me on social media sites and ignores me in the hallways. She won't even enter me and Emily's room anymore. I'm confused. Plus, Emily and Sophie made friends with the other girls that I was friends with on our floor, and now they barely talk to me anymore and never invite me to anything (they used to).</p>

<p>I just have this feeling that Emily is being nice to my face, but talking behind my back.</p>

<p>Sorry this is so long. I just don't know why this is happening. I don't think I did anything wrong. What do you think happened? Is my roommate just a catalyst for drama? I honestly try hard to work everything out. I am easy-going and have lots of friends, so I'm confused. I'm not saying that this IS my roommate's fault- I am open to any constructive criticism and I can clarify things as well if needed (I may have accidentally left some things out). Thanks for your help!</p>

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<p>I’m a parent, but having been studious myself, I can empathize with your dilemma. It seems your roommate has different priorities than you have, and also that she’s not happy with your boundaries, but it is your room too.</p>

<p>Having a roommate is a challenge as you are bound to be different in some ways, but there are some basic guidelines to follow so that the two of you can live together. You do not have to be best friends, but you have to be respectful of each other. You should at least establish some rules for keeping the room livable, visitors, and noise. A good rule is to establish that this room belongs to both of you. You are both paying to live here, and you are each entitled to sleep, study, and live in your room. The boyfriend does not live there or pay the bills. You can agree on when he can visit, but your need for studying, privacy, and sleep come first. </p>

<p>You can’t control the social drama anyone stirs up, but you can find friends who share your values and interests. Join clubs and other organizations to build your own separate network of friends. You can take the high road and behave respectfully to your roommate and her friends even if she does not. </p>

<p>Establish some mutually agreed on rules with your room mate. I think there is value in learning to settle differences with another person- as it is a good life skill to learn. However, if she can not respect your basic rights, and your sleep, study, and life are interefered with, then you have the right to request another room. Remember, you- and your parents- are paying for this.</p>

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<p>Thank you so much! This is great advice- very helpful! I will keep this all in mind. I have half of a semester left, and next year, I will be rooming with one of my friends who has priorities that are exactly the same as mine.</p>

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<p>I’m a little bit like you in the sense that I’m very positive and can’t stand drama or negativity. I’m also pretty socially capable, but if I’m not comfortable with the person (like if they intimidate me), I’m very shy and don’t know how to stand up for myself. It sounds like I have a bit of Emily in me, too. Emily doesn’t want to come off as a ***** when she is annoyed, so she talks to others to release her frustration and they take it out on you.</p>

<p>If Emily is telling others mean things about you, it doesn’t necessarily make her a heartless *****. She’s a little bit like you in the sense that she is getting annoyed with you and is releasing the frustration out on others. I’m not sure why she’s annoyed with you because there is not enough info on your relationship and your study habits, etc. to make an educated guess. But if you’re like anything like me, confronting her outwardly (especially if you do it in front of her friends) will NOT work. Instead, I would wait until she is alone and ask her if she has time to talk. Don’t make any accusations or excuses, just tell her you’ve been getting some negative vibes between you two and you genuinely want to fix the situation. Compliment her and tell her you admire her. If you have a conversation like this, how would she be able to gossip about it with her friends?</p>

<p>Then, I would start inviting her to simple things, like watch a movie on Netflix in the room. Try to kill the rift between you two. And then make new friends by joining clubs outside of class. You definitely not be studying all the time in college – social skills are just as important, if not more important.</p>

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<p>Thank you very much for your input! Those are some great ideas that I haven’t thought of before! To be honest, I’m not exactly sure how I come across to her, so that’s why I didn’t include it in the original post. I really do want to make sure that I’m being a good roommate, and not giving her a bad experience. However, my priorities matter as well. It’s all about balance.</p>

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<p>a single room in a new dorm next year, it will work wonders. if your school is big enough those former friends/floor mates who got cold to you will be a thing of the past.</p>

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<p>I’m a parent who has a daughter in college. So sorry to hear you’re going through roommate problems. It’s actually quite common. Drama is much more of an issue with girls. The two of you need to have a heart to heart talk. Did the two of you sign some sort of roommate agreement at the beginning of the year? If so, were some of the problems you’re experiencing addressed in the agreement? You could also get your RA involved if you can’t resolve things with your roommate in a civil manner. Hang in there. As you said, the semester is already half over and you won’t have to put up with her next year. This is just one of the many life lessons you learn while in college.</p>

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<p>@zobroward I would get a single room next year, but they are more expensive, and I really can’t afford that. Also, I guess there aren’t that many of them on campus. My plan is to stay in the same dorm building, but I should be on a different floor than my current roommate and her friends. Hopefully that will help out. And there will be plenty of freshmen on my floor that I can branch out to and meet as well.</p>

<p>@aquamarinesea We did sign a roommate agreement, and although she has broken some of the “rules”, most of the things she does aren’t included in the contract (I remember most of it). I have talked with my RA multiple times, and I’ve even mentioned that she has violated parts of our roommate agreement. My RA (who I’m friends with by the way) suggested that I make some compromises (which I did), and basically told me (in the most non-biased way possible, since she is the RA) that I’m not going to win with her. She just told me that I’ll just have to make the best of it. I actually almost considered switching rooms with someone else at the beginning of the semester, but I didn’t want to cause drama on the floor and have people wondering why I had suddenly switched rooms…</p>

<p>Thanks everyone!</p>