<p>I did something quite different with each kid, but I think it came from reading the signals they were putting out. S-1 had to write 7 apps at this time of year, and yes it’s helpful not to celebrate Christmas in such situations! I also had warned all relatives NOT to visit in those last two weeks of December; too distracting. </p>
<p>He was upset because had been deferred for his ED, so left everything for mid-December. He holed up in his room and he looked terrible when he emerged for food. I realized he was not feeling confident/comfortable (no safety rolling admissions); in fact he looked scared and it seemed to me like a writer’s block. No blithe reassurances that it’s “all okay.” </p>
<p>I asked him if he just wanted my physical company in the room where he was working. I made it clear I had school papers to grade and we’d just work in tandem on different things. He said, “let’s try it.” As we worked, I didn’t say a WORD, just worked away on my stuff, scritch-scatching on my papers as he typed on his computer. </p>
<p>After a while, he muttered about not liking to have to write about personal things (very boy) and I gave him vague encouragement across the room (“it’s a different kind of writing, but you can do it…”). Sometimes he’d try out an idea verbally, and just hearing himself say it outloud said, “nah…” or “that’s good” and he’d tap tap some more. I didn’t give an opinion (since I didn’t know what was good or not really, was just a random comment from the midst of his essay draft) but my active listening (bobble-head style) was helpful because there was a dynamic in the room, not just alone-ness. Turns out the human warmth and silent support worked well for him. One evening I asked if he still needed that, and he surprised me by saying, “yes, please, work in my room.” Since I really had paperwork to do each evening, I didn’t care where I did it. </p>
<p>My H was busy on taxes and the financial pieces, and couldn’t grasp why this college app thing was so difficult. I insisted he watch the younger sibs and leave us alone. I kept S-1’s part of the house quiet, as he had younger sibs who were a real commotion every night. That helped. </p>
<p>Two years later, my D wanted none of that. She specifically asked to be alone, but that I be available same-day each evening to read things, which she presented as whole, complete drafts. Both are very good writers, but she just didn’t mind writing about personal meanings. Her concern was that she was presenting herself too negatively, so I gave her a reality check on that (yes, she was…) and she revised it, but always in private. </p>
<p>Three years later, youngest son at first needed a ton of bodily presence, like his older bro, but after twp days got it off the ground and dismissed me from the room forever. He said my scritch-scratching was distracting. So there you go. I was fired. I left.</p>
<p>I actually don’t believe in just leaving it up to the kids entirely at this point. I just can’t quite accept that they will take the logical consequences from their stupidity in late December. Some call it enabling, I call it “scaffolding” and stand by it. I believe you help and support them, so they’ll get their best options for many college acceptances. For us, anyway, the college app process was no playing field for demonstrating maturity. That came later, after they got in and chose their spot.</p>
<p>Then the big growth began, and I never had a single problem with poor performance from them in college. They finished in 4 years, sometimes with all-nighters, but they did fine. Two are college graduates, hard at work in their own cities, the youngest a hardworking college Junior. All 3 are so independent it is staggering. </p>
<p>My philosophy on this differs from many of the above posters, and I’m not sure who’s right, but this way was right for my family. Encourage, support, silent presence, positive…step in and help them produce. That’s NOT nagging. They do hate nagging. Ask them if we should “try” this or that approach for support, which might be physical company, mini-rewards, or other ideas suggested above by some. You can’t just impose yourself on him, but he might agree to “try” something for an evening to see if it helps him produce.</p>