<p>A lot of us seem to do this. It would be interesting to know why – the last thing we really do for/with them? The ridiculous explosion of ratings of colleges? I’m not exactly sure but perhaps it’s the place we put our anxieties about them leaving the next.</p>
<p>Update: 12 applications submitted, 3 to go.
There were a few he had to go back to the drawing board on (“uh, they don’t have that major”, “That’s the wrong school”, “That’s a double major there” and “okay, what about the OTHER essay?”) but I feel much better and I’m sure he’ll finish them off in time. Right now it’s an even mix of reaches, matches and safety schools. Some are rolling admits and some aren’t, so it will be an interesting next few months.</p>
<p>“I’m not exactly sure but perhaps it’s the place we put our anxieties about them leaving the next.”</p>
<p>I think that is the reason, and that’s why I strongly suggest that parents here – particularly moms – start adjusting their lives to fill their soon to be emptier nest. It’s not just your kids’ future that needs to be planned. Having kids go off to college represents a major change in parents’ life, and parents can become very miserable if they haven’t found interesting ways of filling the space in their lives.</p>
<p>Regarding that Empty Nest, this is our only son and we’ve been kind of preparing for this for the past few years. Every summer for the past 4 years we’ve sent him to some sort of academic camp, both for his benefit and so we could ween ourselves from him. Now that he’s had 4 summers with 3-4 weeks in a dorm-like environment, and we’ve been without him for extended periods, we think we’re all better prepared for the upcoming flight from the nest. (I hope!)</p>
<p>AVHS Dad – sounds like you’ve been doing a good job of planning ahead for yourself and for your son.</p>
<p>I’m working on a slew of college essays right now. Once I’m done with my Chicago supplement, I’ll be doing all the revising for the ones I’ve done tomorrow and the 30th, and hopefully sending out by the 31st. I personally work better under pressure.</p>
<p>Excellent words of wisdom, Northstarmom. I wish I had been better prepared for the emptiness left by my daughter’s departure. </p>
<p>AVHS, such great foresight to plan for and practice separation. It sounds like your son is your only child. Having to focus on my other children was my saving grace. Without that, knowing in advance you will need new ways to occupy yourself is especially important. Good for you! Not to be a Debbie Downer but for most of us there is no way to fully inoculate ourselves from the painful feelings their departure engenders. </p>
<p>I can’t believe I have to let my next one go in a few years. It feels too cruel that she is growing more insightful, companionable and entertaining by the day! No fouling the nest here, at least not yet. </p>
<p>Re the thread topic, I agree with the psychological reasons proposed by earlier posters. I also think parents concern themselves with the essay because it is the one application piece over which the student has immediate and complete control, it is unique, most differentiating, and the one we can also see. Their rec letters are sent by others, they take their entrance exams and attend class away from us. They typically work on this part at home, and it is usually the last piece to complete. </p>
<p>Good luck to you, lycOr1s. How well I remember my daughter slogging through the UChicago essays, and the others as well. You sound like you have it well in hand and know how you best operate. You are not alone, lyc. Many people require a close deadline looming large to accomplish goals.</p>
<p>I didn’t find that prep work of help at all. Yes, we, too, sent both away to summer programs. But when they got back it was all systems normal and go.</p>
<p>The college transition is very different. It’s not just that the time spent together changes, but the relationship changes markedly as well.</p>
<p>Having them home is some of the hardest times together, even though very rewarding.</p>
<p>Everything changes.</p>
<p>Sorry the prep work didn’t help at all, mythmom. Having a little advance taste helped us. If our daughter hadn’t spent any time away before leaving for college it would have been even more of a shock to all of us. </p>
<p>On a deeper level, there is no advance planning, nothing to do but live through the monumental shifts. Like all transitions, there is often pain, and great joy, as well. </p>
<p>I agree, it is a different child who comes home, and a forever-changed relationship to negotiate. </p>
<p>Trusting it is as it should be helps me.</p>
<p>NorthStarMom: To give credit where credit is due, it was his mom’s/my wife’s idea. She’s WONDERFUL! </p>
<p>je<em>ne</em>sais_quoi & mythmom: Yeah, it’s still going to be hard, but definitely easier on us than if we had not attempted to prepare…as I said: (I hope!)</p>
<p>Yesterday we let him have the day off and visit a friend. We’ll see how that worked.</p>
<p>As my aunt told me before I began this transition: it’s the comings and goings that are so hard. There is continuous readjustments.</p>
<p>Good luck to all of you. I have a college grad and a college junior and the roller coaster is still going strong.</p>
<p>mythmom: Your roller coaster reference reminds me of the movie Parenthood, when the grandmother made the comparison of the roller coaster with the merry-go-round. Like her, I’ll take the roller coaster, but I’ll use the seat belt too!</p>
<p>And just like the amusement parks, we actually pay good money – a lot of good money – to take rides on these things!!</p>
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<p>I’m late to this thread, but I just have to say how much I liked your posts, p3t. I appreciate your concept of scaffolding (vs. enabling or, worse, helicoptering.) When it comes to college admissions, there is too much at stake to expect our kids to go it alone (except for those few who really want to and are able to.) The key is offering the right kind of help.</p>
<p>Well, I am now providing that “scaffolding” for a kid (third child, siblings at top colleges) who does not want to apply at all. Nor is she interested in the buffer of a “gap year,” at least in that explicitly defined form.</p>
<p>This may or may not be December “stupidity”, but it is her chosen path I am grateful that this child of ours is so clear on what she does not want to do. There has been no nagging or worry, on our parts, as a result. </p>
<p>I am confident that she will work things out in the next few years, and she is intent on being responsible for herself. So, in her case, maturity lies in not applying and being accountable for that decision. I am feeling very admiring of her these days.</p>
<p>compmom: Your D has a different concrete path she wants to pursue, and brava! for her.</p>
<p>I have a friend who’s D owns a stable. She still regrets the college educaton the D did not get, even though she is successful and happy.</p>
<p>There are so many paths to the city of Oz, not just one. And then the wizard is fake anyway.</p>
<p>Joseph Campbell’s “Follow your bliss” is still the best advice I know of how to live life.</p>
<p>So the dividing line is what the student wants.</p>
<p>The college process is too complicated and daunting for most to do on their own. One friend said to me, “I knew she didn’t really want to go away when she didn’t completel her FAFSA.”</p>
<p>Hello. Isn’t that for the parents to do?</p>
<p>Short of writing the essays, any research and organizing help does not fall into the category of enabling in my book.</p>
<p>Some students gradually grow into themselves; some grow more slowly.</p>
<p>Compmom and paying3: I find you both incredibly thoughtful loving women. I don’t think in the concrete instance you would disagree at all.</p>
<p>AVHS Dad: I love that part of parenthood too. It’s the essence of the movie and its message, isn’t it? Those who like the merry-go-round should probably stay away from parenting.</p>
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<p>Love this contibution from mythmom! </p>
<p>My son is applying to grad schools and today is one of his deadlines…although I don’t have a say in anything anymore (and wouldn’t know how to contribute to scholarly research in a different field anyway), I hope he did the Sop right! He is one of those who submits at the last moment. Although now, I buy into his argument that it makes sense to delay until the last moment - the better the Sop the better his chances of getting in! So leaving it until the last to polish an already prepared draft makes sense for grad school.</p>
<p>achat: Yup, for a boy a perfect process. My D has had her law school essay polished for a year.</p>
<p>mythmom said: “Those who like the merry-go-round should probably stay away from parenting.”</p>
<p>I agree completely. They’d be better off with dogs, cats, fish…anything but kids.</p>
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<p>Although I don’t disagree with this (especially the FAFSA part - I see that as 100% the parent’s responsibility), if you ask most adults in their 40s and up they will tell you that their own parents had little or no involvement in their own college admission process (other than maybe saying ‘I will only pay X dollars’). In fact, many people didn’t give it much thought at all. You applied to one or two colleges in state, got in, attended and graduated. I have been talking to people, ad nauseum, about the college process for the last year and at the end of nearly every conversation people will say, “But, you know, my parents weren’t involved at all when I was applying to colleges.”</p>
<p>There’s been a seismic shift in the level of parental involvement with today’s generation (and I’m just as involved as the next parent). While there are some benefits to this, I also see some disadvantages. For me, I’ve noticed it most when we hire young people right out of college. Some of them can’t seem to sneeze without calling mommy or daddy to wipe their nose. In fact, I have a brother who is 22 years younger than me (he’s 26) and I see it with him. He does almost nothing without consulting my parents. Even if the person displays some level of independence and competence, there is still a huge sense of entitlement. It will be interesting to see what happens in the next 20 years with the kids who are graduating HS now or recently graduated college.</p>
<p>My point is: there’s nothing wrong with letting a kid suffer the consequences because they lack the discipline, motivation or drive to compete the task at hand. Really, is the process of applying to a few schools so difficult it requires an experienced adult to intervene or are we as adults making the assumption that our kids can’t handle it by themselves? If a particular child must be pushed and cajoled into applying, maybe they simply aren’t mature enough to be in college yet. Lots of kids flunk out the first semester and/or quit college to never return. Maybe those kids didn’t belong there in the first place or maybe they just needed a little time to mature. For a real live example of this, read the thread <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/838873-son-failing-college-any-advice-4.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/838873-son-failing-college-any-advice-4.html</a> that was posted yesterday. On the other hand, plenty of people don’t go to college directly from HS but eventually go to college and do great.</p>
<p>I include myself in the above analysis both as a parent who is probably over-involved in the college application process and as a teenager who had parents who didn’t get involved in the process 30 years ago. I ended up not going to college straight out of HS, I worked for a few years, then put myself through both UG and graduate school. It wasn’t the end of the world and it actually made me a much better student because I was more mature and paying for it myself. It also made me a more valuable employee. I had accounting firms fighting to hire me simply because I had prior work experience. I wasn’t a 4.0 GPA student but what I had (work experience) was much more valuable to the (then) big eight accounting firms than a degree from the ‘right college’ or perfect grades.</p>
<p>Anyway, just food for thought. I’ve been surprised at the number of my son’s friends parents who seem to not be involved in the process at all and, yet, these kids have all managed to apply to good schools and many already have acceptances in hand. Our son has complained we are overly involved in the process and that he is able to take care of it himself. I’ve discovered that he is right. It’s less about his ability to do what needs to be done and more about my own insecurities and anxieties. If I had to do this all over again, I would take more of a hands-off approach and let the chips fall where they may. </p>
<p>Joseph Campbell also talks at great length the role of adversity in one’s life and how it is necessary in order to discover important self-knowledge. Sometimes I wonder if in an effort to give our kids everything, we are cheating them out of something. I guess only time will tell.</p>