Will My daughter ever be ready for college?

Parent Cafe
21

I think it is really hard to tell from this post, what is going on and how serious it might be. I just want to say that I personally know of three kids who were so dysfunctional from anxiety and/or depression at this point in senior year, and two did go to school and did fine, one took a gap year, went West for an outdoor leadership school, and went to college the next year. Our school nurse told me in the spring of senior year so many kids are a total mess. It is almost normal. One of mine appeared to be completely breaking down: she graduated three years ago and is fine.

This could just be typical senior year angst, and the weight of the transition out of home may have really hit her with that last visit. The reality of it. Many kids are very homesick the first semester even, and being close to home and visiting can really help. If this is what is going on, then assurances that she can come home and you will visit and so on might help. With my oldest, who has trouble with transitions, we visited repeatedly in the spring and summer before he went.

That said, there could be something going on that is more serious. I would not be quick to pathologize, but problems do arise at this age. Some are easily dealt with, and some are longer term and take some time. A therapist can certainly help. Sadness is different from depression. She might be feeling a let down of some sort, and the loss of an activity can have an effect. If she has less interest in what she usually is interested in, that may be of concern, but it might be part of the transition. Is there any chance of an eating disorder? I certainly cannot tell but you mentioned she is eating much which means the change is enough for you to notice.

Gap years can be helpful but they sometimes aren’t…it depends. Has she mentioned wanting to do one? (Frontier Nursing Service in KY needs couriers I believe, if that is of interest.) It’s fine to stay home and volunteer and work and so on, but her friends will have left, right? It can be lonely.

I think it might be jumping the gun. If this is just anxiety about the coming transition, and sadness about leaving home, and just plain fear of the new, she may be able to resolve it and head off this fall. A lot can happen in a few months. She can always decide to take a year off at some other time, or leave. It is true though, make sure her transcript doesn’t suffer too much.( If she is depressed or anxious, and it is documented, she will be eligible to register with the disabilities office and get support and accommodations.)

I had doubts about my youngest being ready. She spent a year at an LAC, left, did community college, and is now in an adult learner/degree completion program at a pretty good college while living with an old friend and working. Some kids have bumpier roads than others but end up pretty mature as a result. Whatever your daughter decides, things can work out!!

22

She had an hour meeting with her guidance counselor today. Half of her friends are staying home for at least the first year so loneliness doesn’t seem to be the issue. She liked how in her High School there weren’t a lot of parties. When she was in the mood and there was one, she would go. If not, her and her friends would hang around. Everything was done on their own schedule and they were in control of their own fun. She claimed she is worried that in college she will feel pressure to go out more than she’d like since she’s someone who can be temped by peer pressure. She is very popular in her school now but due to her shyness, It took her so long to make real true friends who she feels truly comfortable around and not just friends she can go out and have fun with. She has always been the type of person who preferred a night in on the couch with movie and pizza than a party and although she has never had a problem when leaving the house without mom and dad, she did go away to camp in the hills of Vermont with girls she didn’t know, three years in a row and made it through no problem. Not sure she is depressed, since I have seen depression first hand and she still enjoys doing things and still does everything she supposed to, but more sad that this should be the best time in her life and she’s unde so much stress. If you had asked her in the 10th or even 11th Grade to stay home she would have said you were crazy. Now after a tough year she is seriously rethinking. Just hope she can find happiness no matter what she ends up doing because seing her so upset and failing at all efforts to cheer her up is making me sad.

23

Lots of things could be going on. She has a busy schedule. Before going too far down the road of social issues, I would suggest a thorough physical with blood tests. Perhaps consult a Naturapathic doctor. Maybe she has mono? Make sure she has plenty of sleep, fun exercise, and healthy food, and some down time. She just may not want to go to that school. There are always options.

24

Could just be cold feet from your description in post #21.

25

It’s hard to go from being a “somebody” in high school to a “nobody” in college and have to start over socially. It sounds like she is fearful of that. Agree with @intparent, with your additional information, it seems more like apprehension than depression.

26

Why not cover all bases? Pay the enrollment deposit if you can afford to lose it if she doesn’t end up going to the school she thought she wanted so much, while also having a thorough medical work up plus seeing the counselor to tease out the real issues. Then if there is a biological basis for this change in behavior/mood you can start tackling it while it is at a level where she is still talking and not totally withdrawn, she can try to figure out how to manage her feelings and concerns with the counselor, and you still have her spot at the school secured.

27

It is fine to pay the deposit and keep her enrolled until the very last minute, honestly. Or she can even try it out with the knowledge she can leave within the withdrawal period with no penalty, and if she has documented depression, she can leave with a medical withdrawal at any time with no penalty (no W’s on transcript for instance). Make sure to get tuition refund insurance and have her register with the disabilities office if she is willing, for accommodations and support.

Most colleges have support groups for new students, and continuing ones for students who are lonely etc.

Meanwhile, yes, she can see a therapist and get evaluated, but I don’t share other people’s confidence in therapists, frankly. You know your daughter best.

It is tricky to balance listening to your daughter’s concerns while at the same time conveying confidence in her ability to do this. You will be able to decide in the coming months whether her concerns and fears should guide decisions or whether the fears should be faced and overcome by heading off to school.

This may be perfectly normal stuff, or it may be that you are now nipping something off at the bud, so to speak.

One other thing, I have read that 50% of college students seek counseling, and I forget the figure on how many are on antidepressants but it is surprisingly high. A student does not have to be in perfect mental health to attend college, but of course there are times when being out of school, at home, and healing, are appropriate.

28

ps If she really wants to stay home, and has friends staying home, I might suggest doing a Red Cross certified nurses assistant training, which is usually a full time month for around $950. And she could look into community college RN or LPN programs and start some courses. She may have legitimate reasons for not wanting to go away to school, and even if her reasons are fear or depression, staying home could work out.

Every kid’s path is different and they all do grow up- be assured of that!

I didn’t want to come off as pushing the residential college option when of course staying home is fine too, especially if her friends are still around. It is just hard to tell and we all sympathize with you as you and your daughter figure this out. I think whatever she ultimately decides can be supported in a really positive way :slight_smile:

29

I appreciate all of your kind words and advice. It means so much. We are from NYC and she did get accepted to Fordham as well. Could commute there and get an education while still at home. She seems to be mulling over that idea now too however it is a lot of $$. Not sure if CC is better financial option until she truly knows what she wants.

30

CC can be great for some but unmotivating for others. If she got into Fordham that is pretty impressive, and it might be more stimulating- nothing against all those great teachers and students at CC (I have one)- it’s just about fit.

She may still be able to go away but it might be that Fordham and initially living at home might be a good halfway point, training wheels. But too bad if it is expensive!

31

Please check if she can take a gap year. And please check if she can take a CC class or two during a gap year. Find out now.

I vote for putting down the deposit, and then gathering information to make a decision after that.

I speak as the parent of a student who is on a gap year, and who has depression. Gap year was necessary. College allowed my son to take a couple of CC classes since they don’t accept CC classes for transfer.

Not sure how he’ll do in college, but I know he wasn’t ready to go away last year.

32

“I’d suggest she defer from the ED school if possible. Then she still has the option next year if she wants it. Can’t take community college classes, though.”

Wrong.

The kid is perfectly free to take (and should take) whatever CC classes that would be helpful or useful in the interim. They may not count for credit if the kid ever enrolls at the ED school, but that is a completely different matter.

Defer the ED school and then talk to them at the appropriate time about what your kid is doing. If the ED school wants to ban your kid for taking care of herself during a gap year, well then that’s not a school your want to send your kid or dollars to. Like the ED school is going to sue you for taking care of your kid? Please.