My daughter is a High School Senior. Throughout High School, she has had lots of friends, done well in school, and has been very independent and strong. I always thought that she would go away for college and thrive outside of our small town. However, her senior year she began to have breakdowns. She quit cross country, because of her coach who was verbally abusive, although she still ran track as a part of our agreement. She remained on the honor roll, but lost motivation to do more than have average grades. She was extremely adamant on going away to College and was accepted Early Decision as a business major. However, after visiting in February and again in Mid-April she complained she no longer liked the school. She even stayed an overnight and went out with a girl from our town who attends the school and is a sophomore and although everyone was convincing her she would love it she claims something just didn’t feel right. There are very few things that get her excited lately and she has been very anxious. She hasn’t been eating much although she is still going to school, doing her homework and babysitting after school. She is not even excited about her Senior Prom or the beach trip her and her friends are going on after graduation. I found her a therapist who she will see later this week. She thinks she should go to community college for at least her first year but she is scared this might be a mistake. She isn’t sure if she doesn’t want to go away or just doesn’t want to go away to this particular school. She also has no idea what she wants to do anymore. Is it better to let her stay home? Or should I be harder on her and tell her if she commits to something that she should follow through? She is very young for her grade so I worry she may be too immature for college however she is worried she will never leave if she doesn’t leave now although she is not ready. Do you think she will ever get to the point where she can be on her own? She also thinks she wants to try nursing and is thinking of shadowing a nurse or doing an internship at a local hospital, anyone who’s children have had experience with that?
Also, my daughter used to love to go out and have fun but lately would rather stay home because she found out she was allergic to alcohol (which is a blessing in disguise) but is scared she won’t be able to have fun anywhere when the time comes.
She does not need to make any decisions until she’s been in therapy long enough to have worked through whatever it is that has derailed her life. The only important thing right now is her mental health. The only thing. Period.
Set all of your own stuff aside, and just support her while she deals with whatever it is that she has to deal with. College can wait.
If she wants to take classes at the community college this fall, fine. If she wants or needs to take a year off to figure out what it is she wants to do with her life, that’s fine too. A part-time job, some volunteer work, job shadowing, all of those could be things to consider doing after she’s started to work on the mental health issues with her therapist.
Agree that nothing has to happen right now, but explore your options: Can she defer at the ED school? If so, will taking cc classes jeopardize her admission/aid?
She really sounds like a kid who needs a gap year to focus on her mental and emotional health, with maybe an easy job or a couple of easy CC classes to give her something to do and a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I’d be hoping that therapy, boredom, time to think about what she wants and a break from stress would all combine to get her back on track.
I think there are times to tell them to buck up and follow through on commitments and times to offer support and alternatives. This seems like one of the latter times.
Could a gap year be good for her? One year older. Adjustment to life after HS. Stabilized mood. New life skills and relationships. Test the waters of the healthcare work world. Check out transitionyear.org on mental health for college-bound kids. Might give some fodder to consider. Best to you and her.
I’d suggest she defer from the ED school if possible. Then she still has the option next year if she wants it. Can’t take community college classes, though.
If she does do a year away from a four-year institution, I would suggest to make sure she does something during that time, like volunteering, community college, etc. Don’t let her do absolutely nothing for more than a few months. Even if the volunteering or attendance at CC is light, its better than an extended time doing nothing. Unless she absolutely needs it or something. I have a friend who was struggling with mental health during and after senior year, and he took the year after high school completely off from doing anything, which he says in retrospect was a bad idea.
I too would recommend suggesting to her to see a mental health professional.
There have been a lot of situations at my current school where I got shown around by upperclassmen that didn’t feel right (a lot of it had to do with partying), but I was able to carve out a part of the school and social situation for myself that does feel right. One bad experience like that is not necessarily descriptive of the whole school. Also, on a related note about alcohol, there should be plenty of social opportunities at any college where drinking is either not required or present at all.
She could also switch to an undeclared major at the university she was admitted to, right? That could be another option that would let her explore what she wants to do before needing to decide on it.
Ultimately I think that this is her decision. Get her some mental health help if needed, present her with all the possible ways forward, help her judge the pros and cons, and let her decide. Forcing young people down paths at this time in life can often lead to unhappy young adults. Watch out though, because stepping back too far can do the same.
It remains to be seen. There’s no way to predict whether or not she’ll ever be ready for college, and even if she does become ready, “college” may mean something different for her - it may mean commuting to the nearby community college for two years before transferring somewhere else, or it may mean commuting to a nearby 4-year college for all four years. Late adolescence is an extremely common time for mental health issues to surface.
It’s difficult to know whether this is exhaustion and burnout from four years of being a high achiever, or whether this is a bona fide case of clinical depression, or whether it’s a bit of both. Only a therapist/psychologist/other mental health provider can really tell, which she should see ASAP.
As someone who struggled with depression and anxiety in college and graduate school, I don’t necessarily agree with the advice that she should “do something”. It really depends on her and her mental state. In college, I didn’t take any time off when I had the strongest onset of my depression and anxiety, and it ended up in a semester full of failed classes and Ws and only exacerbated the anxiety issues. Depression can’t be willed away with sheer force or simply by doing things; it needs to be treated. One of the hallmarks is no longer enjoying things that you used to enjoy, so doing them doesn’t necessarily help for one. For two, a cycle of disordered thinking is another symptom, which is why pushing can be harmful. If you attempt to do something while depressed and can’t muster the mental strength to do it, the refrain in your brain becomes “I’m so worthless - why can’t I just do this very normal thing I used to do? Gah, what’s wrong with me? I’m a terrible person. I’m terrible!” The disordered thought patterns just reinforce the inability to do things. It’s a vicious cycle.
Now it could be that she’s simply having a crisis after a stressful senior year and she needs a break from school. Or it could be something more. Only a therapist can tell.
I think a very valuable adult skill is learning when to quit. There’s nothing wrong with quitting in the appropriate circumstances, and you don’t have to follow through with a bad decision just because you already committed to it. Would you run a marathon if your doctor told you you had an enlarged heart that couldn’t take it, just because you already said you would? No. There’s no sense in risking your health for something because of a superficial commitment - one that can always be changed.
I agree with the advice to try to defer the ED school. I would also explicitly ask about the community college classes; some colleges might care about that and others won’t or would welcome the transfer credit. (There’s no guarantee she’d take them, but it’s good to have the information upfront.)
The good news is that even if she does have a mood disorder or anxiety disorder (or both) most people who have or have had those disorders can function quite independently in society (like me!). So the fact that she’s having some breakdowns in high school and feels unready for college doesn’t mean that she’ll never live on her own - in fact, the odds are very, very good that she will eventually.
It’s unlikely that she gets a full internship at a hospital, but virtually every hospital has some kind of program where high school and college kids (or community members in general) can volunteer. Check with the hospitals in your area or call them up - often there’s a department for this. I volunteered in the school room at the children’s hospital when I was in college - I played educational games and read to children with long-term illnesses who were staying there and couldn’t go to school. It was awesome.
There may be programs through which she could shadow a nurse, too, but honestly the easiest way to do that is to know a nurse and ask her if she can shadow her on the floor. Another option is to go through a nurse who works at a clinic or a doctor’s office, as those settings might be less frenetic and more amenable to a high school student trailing around. One starting point could be to do some informational interviews with nurses and nursing students in the local area - she can find them on LinkedIn and cold email them. I have people cold email me all the time and I’m usually happy to meet with them for 30-60 minutes to talk about myself 
and most people are, too.
This is all dependent, of course, on whether she’s up to it.
There’s very good advice in this thread.
One thing to be careful about, though. According to the terms of the agreement she signed when she applied ED, she may not be able to take classes at a community college during the next school year.
Anxiety and depression in the teen years is very, very common. It is so important to address the issue through counseling and sometimes even medication. Hoping for more happier days ahead for you both.
Disinterest, decreased food intake, etc. are all classical symptoms of depression just like increased thirst and hunger and symptoms of uncontrolled diabetes. Get her some help. You’ve taken the first step with getting her to see a counselor but it is also imperative to get her medical help. People with depression who do counseling AND meds = research supports that they do the best overall. Make that call for her today.
It might be fine - the usual senior stress (most seniors go through some of this) or it might be more - see what the therapist says and don’t panic!
I second the medical help. In addition to the counselor,make an appointment with her pediatrician/family doctor and describe her symptoms if she is unwilling to share them herself. We went through something similar and only after seeing a doctor our kid trusted did any steps toward improvement take place. And this was after a few months of seeing a counselor. Also a letter from a physician may be required for a ED deferral. I would be discrete in communications with the college as well if you choose to defer enrollment. “Medical issues” may be all they need to know for now.
She is not normally depressed. She was sad after she quit cross country because she is very wound up and goes in to a frenzy after big decisions. After time however, she became happy again and had a great senior year. I think her decision to change from a college she committed to and the idea she is “letting people down” is making her upset. She was happy until the day after we’ve visited the college and has since been upset. That was only Saturday and it is now Wedensday.I think she is fed up with school but she will have friends with her next year and can still visit schools which is good ". Think she is upset too bc all her plans are starting to change. hoping for the best.
@skatergirl11 I want to give my perspective as a gap year student…your daughter sounds like she really needs time to decompress and figure out what she needs in life. College transitions are immensely stressful and can lead to more emotional issues if not properly addressed…before I decided to take a gap year I was super depressed and anxious everyday I woke up. I was not eating properly, I wasn’t sleeping at all, and I felt life was meaningless. At some point I decided that going directly to college would make me miserable if I didn’t give myself “me” time to enjoy life at a slower pace for a bit and to regain my health. After one year, I feel a lot more relaxed, happy, and more adjusted to adult life. I have peers where they jumped the gun to go to college before they seemed “ready” and now they are paying it with lots of stress, anxiety of their future, or ruined finances because they took too much debt for a college they could not afford. It does wonders for your confidence and mental health when you are allowed to sleep more than 4 hours a night (at best) like in high school and just being able to have control of your life schedule for once. The most valuable asset you got in this life is time and if you can work with it it can make your life a lot easier and happier.
Thank you for making the appointment with the therapist. In other threads, it’s been talked about how some parents see it as crutch or something they don’t believe in. It sounds to me, and many other posters, that your daughter is depressed or has some underlying anxiety. Anxiety disorders get worse in pressure/changing situations. She’s had a view into the future and it’s scary. She has anxiety over choosing the right school and she’s terrified. The gap year sounds like a good idea. Not sure if you said how far away her ED school is, but it may be farther than she should be from home right now. Best of luck!
Sounds like depression, please get her evaluated.
@skatergirl11 Depression can present in many different ways, not just sadness and tearfulness. Sleep disturbance ( too little or too much) eating disturbances( too much or too little) mood issues( anxiety, agitation, sadness, apathy) It takes a trained medical professional to assess and make a diagnosis of depression or anxiety.
What happened on the last visit to this school? What is the root of her uneasiness with the school now? Are there other students there that make her uncomfortable? Does she think not being able to drink will make her a misfit? On the night she spent with the sophomore, could something traumatic have happened? An uncomfortable pressure of some kind…drugs…sex, etc? She may just be terrified of not only letting her family and friends down, but also herself. That is a big cross to bear.
These are lots of questions that I understand you may not get the answer to, so seeing the therapist is perfect. Sometimes they just have to express their fears in a judgement free zone, and unfortunately, the reality is, that can be hard to find that at home sometimes, or at least they can feel that way.
She may not be ready for college, but I don’t know if I would assume gap year so quickly either, that could lead to another depression 4 months from now. I am wishing her progress in therapy quickly, so that if she chooses to stay or go, the decision is made at a time that is less turbulent than it is now. Things can settle as quickly as they start, so don’t panic yet, give it a couple/few weeks - the only thing at risk is a deposit you may have to eat, hopefully that isn’t a hardship for you.