I need to back off

Parent Cafe
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My 17 year old daughter has been saying for quite a while that she wants to go away to school. She wants to major in either Fashion Merchandising or Event Planning.

She’s a barely B student with anxiety issues. The past 2 years have been tough, with lots of ups and downs. This year, 2 people she knew-- though they didn’t know each other-- committed suicide between January and about April. It rattled her a LOT. She has a great therapist, but she had lots of tears and sleepless nights this year. Add in some substantial friend drama at school---- she lost a group of friends because her prom dress was too similar to another girl’s (it was posted online; she forgot to check.) Some of the friends she got back when that girl and her boyfriend broke up, some are gone for good. I was very glad to see the school year end.

As a type A mom who teaches seniors, I know all the college prep stuff that should be going on this summer. She needs SAT prep-- she walked in absolutely cold to the June SAT and her scores reflect that. She has seen only one college that she would consider applying to-- and they’re a real stretch for us financially. Another school she hated. And there’s been an issue every time we could have visited another school.

She has a draft of a Common App essay that she wrote in English class this year. It’s close enough to one of the prompts, but needs to be edited. I’ve asked her a million times to get me a copy, so that we can start to edit. It hasn’t happened.

I had an epiphany yesterday-- for whatever reason, I’ve got to back off!!! This is not something she can do right now. She’s happy as a clam at work. She’s been working a lot, and going out after work with friends-- friends I know, good kids. She’s happy, and in a good place emotionally. But for whatever reason, college is not something she’s ready to deal with right now. And every time I bring it up, we argue.

If she ends up at Community College, great-- the local school offers both choices in majors. If she decides in the next year that she still wants to go away, great. One of the SUNYs about 4 hours away offers her 2nd choice, as do 2 Community Colleges upstate with dorms. She still has options, even if her essay isn’t ready to go on August 1.

I don’t know what I’ve been thinking. What matters more is her mental health, and it’s been so good this summer!!! She’ll find her way, she’ll end up doing something with her life. What matters is that she’s happy, and she’ll be happy if I stop nagging her and let her enjoy her summer.

So that’s my new plan. I’ll make sure she does apply to our local CC in the fall. I’m not sure whether she should take the October SAT-- it will be necessary if she’s to get into that SUNY Campus. But there’s time enough for that.

I’ve read so many threads here from kids, or parents of kids, with anxiety issues. And I’ve been free with the advice. Now I’m going to take the advice I would readily offer to someone else in my shoes: Keep your eye on the big picture. Everything else can fall into place as long as she’s in a good place emotionally.

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You’re a great mom :slight_smile:

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^^yes you are a great mom (and responder here) @bjkmom!

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Mental health is everything. Go with it!

It sounds like she has some good low stress options.

I need to follow your example!

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Thanks guys. I appreciate the support.

Sometimes you just want to smack yourself on the head and ask what you were thinking. This is one of those times.

It’s funny how I always think I know exactly how to counsel others, but am so slow to take the advice I would offer someone in my own shoes.

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Wow, I’m proud of you, @bjkmom! I’m the same - great at giving advice but not applying it to myself!

When we backed off on our middle son, that’s when he turned around. We DID tell him that if he lived at home while not attending school, he had to pay us rent. Other than that, we had no rules. He took two gap years, volunteered in the Middle East, and found his calling. He went from being a frustrated kid diagnosed with bipolar disorder to a fulfilled, happy, organized young man who doesn’t even need meds.

I won’t lie, though - it was a hard thing to do! I hung on to his psychiatrist’s advice often - “DO NOTHING.” Every kid is different, but it worked with him.

Good luck to your daughter. My daughter also lost two people to suicide (in a one-moth period) and it was really rough on her. Geez, young people shouldn’t have to go through that experience. :frowning: D is doing really well now, though.

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I guess I’d explain to her explicitly that you are backing off – otherwise I can see how she could blame you if she decides to kick it into gear in the fall and doesn’t have her testing done, etc.

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Seconding @intparent as well as adding to the cheering section. I think it’s great that you have arrived at this decision, and I’d suggest having a casual but clear talk with your D. Take her out for a treat or something else she likes (a walk, a meal she likes, etc) and let her know you see her current happiness and want that to continue so you are backing off all the college prep until she tells you she’s ready to pick it up again. But do let her know this means you don’t plan to remind her about testing or application deadlines or anything like that, and ask her to confirm that this is what she wants. She might surprise you and say it would be helpful if you did remind her about certain things, or she might just be relieved that the pressure is truly off. You just don’t want to get into a situation where she is devastated later because she really wanted to go away to college right after high school and she thought you would keep up with the reminders.

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This really isn’t what your looking for, however, I thought I’d provide the information. Ohio has a number of public universities that while are not on the level of flagships, are strong in specific areas. It just so happens Kent State University is strong in Fashion Design and Fashion Media. Since it is not a flagship it’s admission is not nearly as selective as say Ohio State would be though they do have minimum standards for their Fashion Design Program and it is more selective than the university in general. Here is the information. Good luck to your D.

http://catalog.kent.edu/colleges/ca/fdm/fashion-design-ba/

http://www.kent.edu/fashion

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Agree, you need to follow her lead. Each adolescent/student is on their own developmental track and handle the stressors of growing up as they best can. The college admission process is geared toward those who develop early and bloom early versus late bloomers. But in the end, each student is exquisite in their own right with God given talents which unfold when they are ready. I applaud your efforts to support and love your student. That’s all any of us can do. and that’s what they need most.

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That is a great decision - congrats. Mental health is first and it’s a decision you should be proud of. Only caveat is to make sure SHE knows YOU believe she can do anything she puts her mind to- and doesn’t interpret backing off as not believing she’s smart and capable enough for college. At this age a girl’s self worth it tied to whether she thinks you believe in her. It’s a tricky balance.
PS one of my kids didn’t write common app essay until early November (her essay was about something that happened in October!) … your D has time to grow and build confidence this fall and she may change her mind. Don’t close any doors she doesn’t want you to close!

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Good job backing off!

It’s an easy trap to fall into as a parent…wanting to run your 17 year old’s life like you ran your 7 year old’s life…thinking ahead for them, planning for them, wanting to show them every opportunity and every pitfall so they will be safe, and happy, and have the rewarding positive lives we desperately want for them.

But here’s the problem…it ain’t our job. Very seriously. It’s not our job to plan their futures and it’s not our job to shield them from failure. Learning about setbacks is an extremely important part of becoming an adult and you really can’t learn about how to regroup and make your own decisions and life-adjustments…with your parent blindfolding you and leading you by the hand.

Our job ends. Their job begins. If we infantalize our kids forever, we cripple them.

Really think about how you’d feel if someone was trying to plan your life for you…you’d feel like they had absolutely no faith in your competence.

Let them grow up. Let them approach life their own way. Let them decide when it’s time to go to college, and where, and for what. Also, let them figure out how to pay for it. Not saying you can’t help financially, but figuring out financial arrangements is NOT your job anymore. Let them come to you with a well thought out plan, let them ask for assistance, and let them feel gratitude that you are supporting THEIR ideas and goals.

You’re not alone. Lots of mama and daddy birds continue to stuff their babies full of worms until they’re so full they can’t fly. It’s not healthy and it’s no favor to them. Let that little bird get curious about finding his own worm. Encourage them to hop around and tug on a few. When they try to fly a little…be their biggest cheerleader. When they fall to the ground like a brick…fly down and provide a sheltering wing for a little bit, but encourage them to get up and start hopping again. You can’t fly for them. You really can’t.

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I have no intention of setting her up for failure. Before the deadline I’ll make sure she’s planning to take the October SAT. She’ll apply, at a minimum, to the local CC, and probably the 2 upstate…all have open, rolling admissions. So she’ll have choices. Those apps are pretty much name address and transcripts, so they’re no pressure. She can do them in the fall or even over Christmas vacation

And maybe once school starts and her friends are buzzing about college she’ll start to show interest. If and when that happens, I have all the info ready to go. I can clear a few weekends and we can do some visits then. The essay can be edited in a day or two.

Again, she’s not the typical CC kid. She’s not looking at a competitive school. She just wants to go to college.

But what I’ve come to realize is that this has to follow her timeline, not mine. All the stuff I wanted her to do over the ssummer can wait. Plenty of kids don’t have Type A teacher parents who nag them to do this stuff over the summer, and they still go to college.

It’s about her, not me. And I’m so glad I realized it with a month left to go of summer vacation.

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“I have no intention of setting her up for failure. Before the deadline I’ll make sure she’s planning to take the October SAT. She’ll apply, at a minimum, to the local CC, and probably the 2 upstate”

Respectfully…this isn’t your job, Mom.

She needs to schedule her own SAT. She needs to decide when/if to apply to colleges…on her own. (totally ok to encourage her, but take a breath)

You are not in charge of her college essays and should not be editing them. (if she asks, a read through with general suggestions is ok…a red pen and a rewrite…no.)

If she wants to visit colleges, she’ll let you know.

Keep working on the backing off thing…you’re on the right track, but you’ve got a ways to go. You’ll get there.

(this advice from an ex-smother-mother…who has empathy for your plight)

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  1. I love your first post in this thread, @bjkmom . It's like a whole 20-page CC thread in one handy place.
  2. A little anecdotal boost: One of my many young cousins was never very successful academically. She had some mild learning disabilities. She is a twin, and for much of her youth she more or less hid behind her more-outgoing sister. (When they were toddlers, the sister started speaking first, and for six months or so "translated" for her, until she started speaking herself.) Her parents were blue-collar small business owners, neither of whom had gone to college. Her mother died suddenly when she was in college, and she became somewhat estranged from her father (his fault, not hers).

Anyway, she finished college, barely, at a huge, out-of-state public university, a political science major with no direction whatsoever. Another cousin, who was a partner in a small ad agency in a small city, hired her essentially as a gofer. Then she started helping out with event planning, and she found herself. Within the space of five years, she got offers and promotions from successively larger agencies, until she was working in Manhattan for one of the largest ad agencies in the world running international tours for top-shelf artists. She got paid lots of money for that. She’s 33 now and quite the impressive young woman, as sweet and kind as she ever was, but a sophisticated businesswoman and a player in her industry.

The point being: event planning is a field where you don’t need high SATs or major academic skills to thrive.

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Kudos to you for recognizing what is going on and putting your D, her mental health, and her happiness first. I wish you both all the best and have no doubt that with your support that your D will find her way. There are many paths to success.

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OP, you said it best yourself: “Keep your eye on the big picture. Everything else can fall into place as long as she’s in a good place emotionally.”

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Great attitude @bjkmom! You are so right that it is hard to be objective when it is about someone close to you.

Our DD1 also had a tough time in high school- very shy, major anxiety issues, very stressed out by any kind of testing, very solid B student, etc. Her freshman year was terrible and then it gradually got better…until her junior year when we started talking about college. She increasingly got more anxious and stressed, and it really peaked when I decided to take some day trips to college campuses just so she could start comparing. She got so anxious as we drove into the first large state school that we never even got out of the car! That was when I realized it was time to back off. It just took me awhile to realize that my vision of what her college experience would be was not the same as hers, and that was OK. We talked and she told me she didn’t really want to leave home yet-she just wanted to attend our local cc. Her anxiety improved almost immediately and she gained a lot of confidence at our cc. She ended up transferring after 2 years to one of our smaller state colleges but did not want to live in dorms- still too stressful for her. She was fortunate to find a good friend who was attending and needed a roommate in an apartment. She did very well in school, made a lot of friends and really matured over the next 2 years. She has grown out of her anxiety/learned better how to cope with it and has become an amazing high school teacher, which is what she always wanted. I

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That’s a good point. I so badly wanted my kids to have as wonderful a college experience as I did! It was hard to let go of that dream, or at least realize that their definition of “wonderful” is different than mine.

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@bjkmom, would it be ok with you if your daughter decided to take a gap year instead of community college? Maybe she needs another year to grow up a bit more, and to recover from the suicides and craziness at school?