<p>Approaching the topic with W isn’t proving to be very effective.</p>
<p>She doesn’t really like the thought of us not having a perfect, smooth-running family, if that makes sense.</p>
<p>Your wife sounds abusive. You must get her into counseling ASAP.</p>
<p>" Most of D’s friends think any UC below UCLA is a failure. They’re all nice girls, imo, but the only colleges that ‘count’ to them are the big ones, so I can understand D’s desire to want to seem ‘worthy’ to them. "</p>
<p>No. Absolutely not. This is f-ed in the extreme to give any weight to what D’s friends think. This is part of what therapy does - enables you to live your life based on what you want, not based on impressing friends or pacifying your wife.</p>
<p>It’s your responsibility as a father to protect your daughter from harm-harm from illness, harm from evil predators, and if need be, harm from well meaning but spirit killing relatives, even if that relative is her mother. Your first priority should not be keeping the peace with your wife, it is protecting your daughter from the potentially irrevocable harm your wife could be inflicting on her. Your daughter isn’t perfect, never was, and your family isn’t perfect, never was, never will be. What you want is an imperfect but healthy and happy daughter who finds her own joyful path in life. You need to help her find it, and it well may not be the path you would have chosen for her. If your wife won’t go to counseling, go without her and figure out a)how to help your daughter and b)how to effectively protect her from her mother’s cruel remarks. Your wife sounds like a bully and perhaps you have been passively complicit in this in your effort to keep the peace (at the expense of your daughter’s feelings). My husband would never stand by and let me do this to my daughter. I think you need to step up and advocate for your daughter no matter the consequences.</p>
<p>FID - You’ve gotten lot’s of great advice on this thread. I’d like to touch on just a couple of points. The learning curve for the college search is large. One of my big ah-ha moments was when I realized that Private colleges could actually be less expensive then Public colleges. Two of my three kids graduated from private colleges (OOS) that cost just about the same as Penn State with in-state tuition. Visiting is believing. Do some research first and you’ll find LAC’s that offer great merit aid and are academically challenging. As you probably realize, smaller classes that LAC’s typically offer tend to be more nurturing. </p>
<p>Second, your daughters grades are GREAT! Only on this forum would someone ever think that a B student that has a rigorous schedule is mediocre. </p>
<p>And just slightly off topic,
I would NOT suggest going to a small in-state college as an OOS student. Most of these schools are made up of students that live within an hour of the college and if not that 90% + will be in-state. Not a real inclusive environment for a semi-fragile student. And not worth it financially as a Californian with many other in-state Colleges available.</p>
<p>Perhaps I have portrayed DW in too negative a light. She is generally very supportive of D and S, but does have difficulty coming to terms with D’s depression. I think W’s idea of ‘constructive criticism’ or ‘motivation’ is just too much for D to hear.</p>
<p>I do agree with the general consensus that W and I should go to counseling. Maybe I have been too passive in this ordeal; my main concern has always been my daughter first.</p>
<p>kathiep, I understand the comment about staying instate; there are plenty of great schools in CA that I’m sure she’d love. D is just so fixated on OOS schools, so we’re going to have to take her on some visits and get her to fall in love with some in her home state! For the moment, the college search is still on. Looking at colleges really seems to excite D, especially the prospect of leaving her town and exploring the world. And thank you for the grades comment - her transcript has a few Cs/Ds at this point, but the guidance counselor has said he’ll write a great rec letter and explain everything to whichever college she ultimately applies to, which was a huge relief to her.</p>
<p>I just want to point out that, although I’m sure you already know, it’s important to remember that none of the people on this thread know the entirety of your situation, and nobody on here has authority to make judgments for you (about your wife’s supportiveness or psychiatric diagnoses).</p>
<p>We can provide great advice, but don’t take anything on here too seriously. Any criticisms you’re getting are just because posters don’t know the whole story and don’t know your family.</p>
<p>Again, good luck with everything.</p>
<p>^^^^^Too true, but we do try to take the OPs posts at face value, and he has described some pretty harsh behavior by his wife that could be well served by talking out their situation with a counselor who can give them calm, objective advice. The average healthy assertive teen could probably deal with the situation as described, but the OPs daughter has had some tremendous problems and a history of poor coping mechanisms. She sounds very very vulnerable right now.</p>
<p>Please also trust that some of us have been through variants of this. </p>
<p>Your W loves your D. Nothing is meant with malice or harm.</p>
<p>The other thing to keep in mind is that quarter or semester grades are not final grades and things could move up. </p>
<p>This type of illness is particularly difficult for most families because they have not dealt with it before. It is complicated by the friend’s death.</p>
<p>Does your D have any older cousins (possible role models) who
may have been average HS students, gone to average colleges,
but now have a job and living and enjoying life as an
independent adult ?</p>
<p>Someone might be able to help her (and parents too) see
the possibilities beyond grades, test scores, gpa and college.</p>
<p>FWIW people have used the term mental illness because depression is a mental illness. We’re not diagnosing. The OP said in the first post that his D had depression.</p>
<p>This should not be the focus for your D right now, but something to find out from her GC is how the transcripts are reported. For example, our transcripts only show year end grades. If the transcript is printed in November of Sr year it might include first Q grades, but none of the quarterly or midterm grades for the previous years are broken down. If your DDs year end grades have averaged out and a D was only a quarter grade, she might feel better knowing that is not going to show up. If she has recently received a D I am not suggesting herculean efforts to pull the year end grade up to something ‘shiny’. I’m only pointing out that depending on the way her transcripts are reported, quarterly grades that have averaged in may not show up. Just a thought that may ease a mind of a young lady that has an overall wonderful academic record with a couple of poor quarters.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>This is a good idea. So is introducing her (and your wife, for that matter) to people as smart as she is who went to “average” or non-elite colleges yet have gone on to be highly successful adults. Your daughter is smart enough that no matter where she goes for undergrad, if she has the right supports and is successful (and has put her mental-health issues behind her) she should have no trouble getting into excellent graduate programs or finding a great job.</p>
<p>Again, in the short/medium term I think working through the family issues and your daughter’s emotional needs is the most important thing. Later, you can focus on the rest of it. It will all work out the way it was meant to.</p>
<p>Thank you all.</p>
<p>She does have an older cousin who went to Cincinnati, worked for a while, but he’s just gotten into Stern NYU for his MBA. Most of her cousins are very high-achieving students, and so the comparisons must be overwhelming for her, something I sorely wish I could fix. To be honest, I can’t think of any children of friends I know who /didn’t/ get into elite schools.</p>
<p>D’s school goes by semesters, and not just end of year grades. So colleges would see</p>
<p>10:AAABBC
ABBBBC
11:ABBBCW – retaking math</p>
<p>which probably doesn’t give the best perception about the type of student she is, but regardless. Not the main concern for me right now - I’m sure she has a chance to get in somewhere if she desires (especially at the great LACs you all recommended), or will have the opportunity to apply after a gap year.</p>
<p>The main reason I posted this thread initially was to get an idea of what colleges she would have a chance at in the future. I realize now that those schools would probably not be the best for D, but I would still appreciate an idea of which ones she would have any sort of chance at, considering the situation. My hope is that the next few months will be spent focusing on her and getting her to a better place: grades/college come second. However, if she does decide to apply and go to college in 2014, I would like to have an idea of which of her ‘dream’ schools would be viable options. I don’t want her to have to face rejection after rejection, especially at that point, and perhaps I could get her more accustomed to the idea of LACs she could apply to now, since she talks about college so frequently, and meanwhile ease her out of some of those schools that wouldn’t really be the best choice at this time.</p>
<p>
I’ll be generous and say that your W needs to learn better ways of communicating with the children, which she could benefit from counseling. Maybe if you approach her that way - “What you are doing isn’t working, we can get help learning something better. We’re smart people, but we weren’t born knowing everything, we can still learn.” </p>
<p>Because here is what happens when you try to use verbal abuse as a method: W rants. D tries harder in order to get the ranting to stop. The ranting “worked”. Because it “worked” last time, W rants about something else. D tries harder there too. But the D can never be perfect in everything, so she can never ultimately get the ranting to stop. Eventually, the D is beaten down to the point of utter defeat. Bad things ensue.</p>
<p>*Quote:
Originally Posted by fightingirishdad
I would say DW is subliminally tough. For example, during an argument, she won’t say it to D’s face, but will loudly comment that D’s bad grades reflect on how lazy she is, etc.</p>
<p>Xania mom:
That’s not subliminal, dear, that’s verbal abuse. I know from experience. I second that you need to drag W to counseling and insist that she cannot treat your D (or yourself, or any other children you have) in this way. You can’t allow that type of thing to continue. Period.*</p>
<p>Xania mom is right and as a parent you are OBLIGATED to put a stop to this. You’re not powerless like she is.</p>
<p>And…BTW…did you know that when abused kids grow up, they’re also angry at the “good parent” because that parent didn’t protect them.</p>
<p>If these are her “dream” schools…</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>…I don’t think most of them are within her grasp right now, except for the “lesser” UCs and BU. She’s only got two semesters left (since second semester senior year won’t count) so there just won’t be time to overcome the GPA issue. Keep in mind how fiercely competitive college admissions are at the “elite” level, with many schools accepting 20% or less of the applicants (a number are even below 10%!). They don’t HAVE to “look beyond” a stretch of poor academic performance in one student, because they can find many more candidates who have the same other credentials AND top grades.</p>
<p>You can look up the stats of admitted students via the Common Data Set for each school or the website collegenavigator.gov. There are also several threads here about “high score, low grade” students that may be helpful. But I’d keep your findings to yourself for now. 
Good luck.</p>
<p>Perhaps I have portrayed DW in too negative a light. She is generally very supportive of D and S, but does have difficulty coming to terms with D’s depression. I think W’s idea of ‘constructive criticism’ or ‘motivation’ is just too much for D to hear.</p>
<p>I don’t think you “get it”. Abusive parents are often TOTALLY FINE, most of the time. Many do not abuse their kids on a daily or even weekly basis. That’s NOT the criteria.</p>
<p>If I gave you poison in your food every once in a while, that’s still going to endanger your health. </p>
<p>Am I correct?</p>
<p>I understand. I didn’t understand the severity of W’s actions.</p>
<p>I will talk to her in the evening, when the kids are out. This type of behavior has been going on far too long, and I can’t have it endangering D’s mental health the way it has been. D is very weak right now, and I don’t want some mindless, accusatory statement from W to set her off.</p>
<p>Good luck, fid - if you don’t stand up for the kids, what will you stand up for? Be calm and resolved.</p>