Worried about my daughter?

Parents Forum
81

<p>OP- There is no dream school. You will not be able to communicate this to your D until you start to internalize this yourself. There is no dream house, there is no dream spouse, there is certainly no dream college.</p>

<p>Remember when you were house hunting (or apartment hunting). The place with the gorgeous deck had a cramped bathroom. The place with a fantastic kitchen had ugly carpeting in the bedrooms. The place that was perfect floor to ceiling was on a busy street with train tracks half a mile a way that could wake up up at 5 am every day. </p>

<p>This is life. We are all faced with a series of trade-offs, and one of the hallmarks of an emotionally healthy adult is the ability to manage those trade-offs with flexibility and a sense of proportion. That’s a good trait to model for your kids because none of us know when something truly awful is about to happen (spouse gets a terminal diagnosis; or in your D’s case, the tragic and devastating death of a friend.)</p>

<p>You sound like a terrific parent and I’m sure your W is as well. But you must- you absolutely must- put an end to talk about dream schools and high achieving cousins and how you don’t know anyone who went to a school that isn’t on someone’s dream list. First of all- because it’s probably not true. Even Supreme Court justices who breathe the rarified air of Yale Law School have friends and neighbors and loved ones who went to… oh, I don’t know… U Mass or Baruch or Sacred Heart or Ohio State-- and whose lives have ended up just fine. So I cannot believe that you can’t find folks in your D’s orbit who fit that mold- an admired teacher at school? The music teacher? A friends parent? Your religious leader or a youth leader in your community?</p>

<p>Second- even if it is true- you all need to recognize what seems to be a pattern of catastrophic thinking in your family. Your D gets an 89 in English and you’re all talking about it? Your D finishes finals and is in tears because she’ll never go to college? Does she seriously think that there are over 3,000 colleges in America and all of them are filled with kids who have a 4.0 GPA?</p>

<p>Step back from the edge of the cliff that you are teetering on. College is the least of your worries right now. There have been a rash of HS suicides in my area in the last few years and the copy-cat effect or cluster effect (depending on which expert you listen to) is very real and very worrisome. I could introduce you to several parents TODAY who would give anything to be able to put their arms around their HS student and tell them, “We are taking a vacation from any and all discussion of college for the next three months. Every time someone says “college” or “GPA” or “SAT” they will put a dollar in this jar on the counter and we will use the proceeds for an ice cream break whenever any of us is feeling blue.”</p>

<p>Then find a coping mechanism for you and your wife. I know she thinks she’s motivating your D- but if your D was close to a friend who had suicidal thoughts and managed to successfully act on them, motivating your D to do more/better/faster is hardly the direction you want to go in. Her therapist can tell you the best ways to help manage her depression, but don’t keep singing the same old “Try hard and then try harder” to a kid who has already watched how easy it is to kill yourself.</p>

<p>You guys all need to change the channel on your domestic life for a while. Baking, crafts, taking a hike, playing with a dog or a neighbors baby, reading for pleasure, even a dumb board game. Reminding your D that there is more to her life than the relentless pursuit of grades which will lead to her dream school needs to be your A priority right now.</p>

82

<p>blossom, that was very resounding advice, thank you. It is true, there is no dream college, and I have tried to communicate this to her. She’s been obsessed with NYC since she was about 13, and so we took her there to show her what it was really like. She fell even more deeply in love with it than she had been before, particularly with Columbia and NYU. For her, the “future” is this great, glittering dream where everything is going to go smoothly, which is, of course, not true at all. A lot of her depression stemmed from building these grandiose notions for herself about what life ‘should have been’, and watching it</p>

<p>We were surprised at D’s 89 because she had maintained a high A the whole semester, and as she wants to major in English, we were not shocked, but surprised.</p>

<p>Most of her teachers went to CSUs, and I know her English teacher this year (part of the reason she wants to major in English at all) went to community college before transferring to a UC, and she adores him. </p>

<p>I agree; I’m going to try to focus on non-college talk as much as I can.We live near some close family who are bringing up college constantly, and I want to dispel the college talk, but I don’t exactly want to reveal D’s situation. </p>

<p>The problem is I know she is probably thinking about it constantly: as she told me today, “My only job in high school was to study, and I screwed it up.”</p>

83

<p>Hmm, missed a whole day’s worth of posts here. But it is really obvious that your family needs to get in for some family counseling. Odds are good that you will not be able to change your wife’s behavior – you need a neutral third party in the mix before this goes much further. It sounds like it is already causing your daughter some harm.</p>

84

<p>It is not too late for you to communicate to your D that in fact- her only job in HS was NOT to study. Don’t you require her to attend grandma’s 70th birthday party? Do volunteer work and give back to the community? Write thank you notes when someone gives her a gift? Throw in a load of laundry or run the vacuum when you all decide the house is a shambles?</p>

<p>You can start to emphasize that the job of a 16 or 17 year old is first and foremost to take the steps to becoming a good and kind and decent adult who can be self-sufficient (eventually) in the world. Studying is only a small part of her job. She can look at you- certainly there are other things you contribute to the world besides your day job.</p>

<p>You can absolutely lay down the law with “close family”. You wait until you are alone with brother in law or cousin or Aunt or grandma and you say, “We have all agreed that for now, we are no longer going to discuss college or school work with Susie present. There are so many other interesting things going on in the world and we’re going to talk about those things when we are all together. I know you bring up the subject to show that you are interested in her life-- and we love you for it- but right now this is not a topic we are discussing outside of our immediate family. Thank you so much for understanding and respecting this.”</p>

<p>And then you repeat it again if you have to. You are not the first and only family to have to set boundaries on communication to protect your child. You don’t want to dispel the college talk; you want to stop it in its tracks. You owe outsiders no explanation whatsoever and if they press, you say with a smile on your face, “We are not discussing college for now, thank you for respecting our boundaries”.</p>

<p>I know families with kids struggling with anorexia, severe and progressive diseases, etc, and they have had to become activists to make sure their kids don’t end up getting dragged into conversations they are not prepared to have. You can do this. If your D was- god forbid- undergoing chemo and a well meaning relative kept pestering her to ask how it’s going and what her prognosis was… you would step in I am sure and tell the relative that you love them for caring but that they need to respect your D’s not to have to discuss her chemo with anyone but her medical team. And you’d mean it- and probably go ballistic if someone seemed intent on sabotaging you.</p>

<p>Same here (but without the ballistics.) Tell the relative the discussion is off the table, period, end of message.</p>

85

<p>“We were surprised at D’s 89 because she had maintained a high A the whole semester, and as she wants to major in English, we were not shocked, but surprised.”</p>

<p>Your goal now is to not care about her grades. I am dead serious. She doesn’t need everyone tut tutting at her 89. Hopefully her friend’s sad death can be the catalyst for your family to focus on what’s important in life - and getting into fancy schools is NOT it, at all.</p>

86

<p>You’re getting tons of good advice on this thread. </p>

<p>I want to also add, since everyone on here is already wise, that if you can love your daughter and be there for her, right now, you just never know how things will turn out. I once heard a woman give a motivational speech, and it was really excellent.</p>

<p>In that speech, she listed everything bad that had ever happened in her life, and then she listed everything good that had ever happened in her life and what great thing happened because of it. These two lists were the exact same lists. And she was right.</p>

<p>Good luck to you and your family. Hang in there.</p>

<p>ETA: Oh, and I want to add that I admire your courage and your openness. Truly.</p>

87

<p>yes, so true–the ‘bad’ and the ‘good’ life events are one and the same aren’t they? thanks for that.</p>

<p>consolation’s comment (#25) was very generous and open-hearted. it’s never too late.</p>

88

<p>Best wishes. Those of us whose kids have gone off track, one way or another, for however long or short a time, can tell you that we all wish things could be the “perfect” we think others have. And, they don’t. We could all share tales of other kids we know whose superficials masked all sorts of woes, personal or family. So, focus on your dau’s personal strengths. It may be helpful to have more one-on-one time with your girl, let her see you are in her corner and care. Maybe do the first alternate college trip as just the two of you.</p>

<p>There are many schools that, while not UCLA, nonetheless, will have certain programs that are superb. One example, D1’s 2nd choice, an LAC, had one of the best small college depts in her field. Though it wasn’t a top 20 (maybe it’s just past the top 50,) the profs were active in their research, highly rated in their field, educated at top schools. D1 would have thrived there. Other schools, while small, may be noted for the quality of their music depts or Engl/writing. Get a Fiske Guide or Princeton Review, google to try to find solid programs, dig into the prof backgrounds, course offerings, etc. Find reasons to get excited, but without initial pressure.</p>

<p>Her scores may get some merit aid. Some colleges are “meet full need” (based on their calculations of your need, not your ideal)- and nearly all have the NPC/Net Price Calculator, so you can run a draft of the aid you may get. And so on. There’s also a thread for B/B+ kids (or 3.0-3.3) which maybe someone can point you to. As parents on those threads discuss schools, you can see which they found exciting and for what reasons.</p>

<p>One step at a time. And, one last thought: it sometimes helps our kids when we admit we’re not perfect, when we admit some of the mistakes we made when younger and how we recovered, how we got our wheels back on track. Sometimes, they don’t realize.</p>

89

<p>D just came and told me the most amazing thing.</p>

<p>She went to go see that musical movie with her friends - she hasn’t really left the house for anything ‘fun’ in the past 2 months or so - and she came into my office, sat down, and talked about how tired she is of hating herself and punishing herself; she has been depressed for several reason, and so her GPA isn’t stellar. “Life happens.” She then talked about how she is bright and talented and /not/ a bad student, and “I’m going to let that go because the chips will fall where they may, and I’m sure what ever college I go to will be a good, reputable school that will be the best for me.”</p>

<p>Then, she got up, told me we were having shrimp for dinner, and left.</p>

<p>I honestly cannot remember the last time D said something good about herself. I’m in an absolute state of shock. Especially because she spent the last few days crying due to finals.</p>

<p>I don’t know what is in that movie, but perhaps a family outing to see it is in order.</p>

90

<p>Bookmarked.</p>

91

<p>Fightingirishdad, it’s clear you have a good heart. And displaying that good heart to your daughter is a good thing. </p>

<p>(Shrink rap, just out of curiosity, why do you announce when you bookmark threads?)</p>

92

<p>Great news, FID.</p>

93

<p>That’s awesome! So happy for you guys :)</p>

94

<p>Just keep up the care. I was under the impression she does spend plenty of free time with friends- whatever it is, the message from so many posts here is to continue your care for her, get the right sorts of help.</p>

95

<p>Wow, OP, that’s great. Don’t be too disappointed when she falls short of her resolution, because she’s likely to swing back and forth. Just reinforce her insight and support her. Sounds like her therapy is helping. So glad to hear it.</p>

96

<p>"(Shrink rap, just out of curiosity, why do you announce when you bookmark threads?)"</p>

<p>I don’t intend it as an annoucement, but the word bookmarked has exacty the required ten letters, and it serves as a way to mark my place. “best wishes” works too, but I am really just trying to follow without commenting. Is there another way? I have tried that subscribe thing, but it doesn’t seem to work for me.</p>

97

<p>Apparently there’s another way, since I’ve never seen anyone else do it other than you. You can follow without commenting easily - you don’t need to subscribe or comment at all.</p>

98

<p>What happens when you do the “subscribe”? If it says there are no threads to view when you go to “MY CONTROL PANEL”, just click on “view all subscribed threads” and it should list everything. If there are no recent posts, it will not show them unless you do that.</p>

99

<p>I’m glad your daughter’s moods are lifting out of the gloom., but depression is a like a fog that is not really containable. It can lift and disappaear, then suddenly come back. I’m with the posters who say, that her mental and emotional health is the important thing. Suicide (attempts) are contagious among young people. It’s a difficult time for most when transitioning into adulthood, Fortunately most of us stablilize, but hose years when one doesn’t know exactly where to go, what to do. what one wants, but knows it isn’t in grasp, are the crazy years for many. It’s when drugs, sex, experimentation will all sorts of things, including vices occur. </p>

<p>I’ve written several times about a friend whose daughter was very much like yours with top scores, but in her case managed to keep up her grades too, despite some mental/emotional turmols. It was a very difficult, painful decision to insist she stay at home and commute until she was more stable. It may have saved her life, and she went to Columbia for graduate school instead of undergrad, because she just wasn’t in mental shape to give it a go those years. Those I’ve known, and you would know too as an alum, have said that ug at Columbia is not exactly a walk in the park and not an uplifting experience for those who are troubled. Not the more supporting undergrad environments. So, yes, I would be very concerned.</p>

100

<p>One of the best phrases ever to come out of this forum is to “Love the kid on the couch”. </p>

<p>That means that instead of looking for a college that our kids might get into, we look for safeties that they absolutely love, can get into and we can afford. Visiting those colleges is a joy and something I would encourage once you all have gotten a handle on everything else. My son is thriving at a college that was a safety for him and it’s small classes have proven to be a perfect fit. There are many colleges in NYC besides Columbia. I would figure out what it was that appealed about that school and look for others with some of the same traits. Posters on this forum can help.</p>