Worried about my daughter?

Parents Forum
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<p>Everything said here is very true; I can tell her speech may have been a spur-of-the-moment thing, as she does have ups and downs, and she’s back to her self-loathing. It was, however, nice to have her say something so accepting after such a long time. I hope it is a sign of things to come :)</p>

<p>I think her yearning to go to college is really a psychological thing that she will simply have to grow out of. She’s been seeing the same therapist for about six months now, and while she has improved in many ways (on and off), the one thing that has remained is that she needs to go to a good undergrad. Yes, successful people have gone to other schools, respectable people have gone to community colleges. But she has to get into a “good school.”</p>

<p>Telling her to stop worrying so much about grades is easy; she complies, and doesn’t let a bad test grade go to her head. But it’s the college part that scares her - not the idea that she won’t get into college, but more the idea that she won’t be able to leave. I’m afraid that’s been her ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ throughout this entire ordeal, and in fact most of her life, which is why my OP was so grades-focused, and may have seemed insensitive.</p>

<p>At this point, I’m not sure if instate or OOS is best for D, but as much as I try to stay away from the subject, and get her involved in other things (cooking, skiing, traveling), it’s at the forefront of her mind. It’s her ‘escape’ from all the bad around her, and nothing I say, nor any amount of psychiatry, appears to be getting rid of that notion, and, at this point, I’m really not sure how to deal with that. It’s an ideal she’s had since she was about 9, and so while anti-depressants will probably help her in other aspects, these sentiments will probably linger. And that is something I genuinely don’t know how to target.</p>

<p>It is lucky we live in CA, as there are so many options to consider regarding the small liberal arts colleges everyone has recommended.</p>

102

<p>I read this entire thread and it truly is heartbreaking. Your daughter will need time to heal and that should be your priority right now. Treating depression takes time. But you’ve taken the right steps by getting therapy for her. It’s obvious she’s on an emotional rollercoaster and can’t figure out how to get off.</p>

<p>Going back to an earlier post, you should be very careful not to post too much personal information on CC. Someone that your daughter or wife knows may be able to able to figure it out.</p>

103

<p>I don’t think you will be able to make her forget about colleges, but it’s important that all of you are realistic about what colleges are realistic possibilities. There are many new posters that have unrealistic ideas of what colleges their kids can get into. Please read this thread: <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/939937-3-0-3-3-gpa-parents-thread-2013-hs-graduation.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/939937-3-0-3-3-gpa-parents-thread-2013-hs-graduation.html&lt;/a&gt; There are sooooo many GREAT colleges out there that you and your daughter have never heard of. </p>

<p>If she is unaware of great colleges for B students that certainly may be a reason for anxiety.</p>

104

<p>I agree with some of the other posters that sending her across the country right now might not be wise. She can always go to a big name school for grad school. I’d look for a smaller campus that boasts lower faculty:student ratios and where advisors keep in close touch with students. St. Olaf is like that, someone mentioned it earlier. Good luck, and I hope she does well. ps a 3.66 is not that bad, my son has a 2.0 and I’m hoping he’ll get into college somewhere.</p>

105

<p>I don’t think that her going far away for college would be all that bad. It might help her forget some of the hard times she’s had and give her a break/breath of fresh air. She may just need to get away from whatever she’s going through for a while.</p>

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<p>Read the beginning few pages of this thread and the last few pages.
Blossom, your advice is awesome.</p>

<p>FID, I’m going into pop-psychologist mode…
it strikes me that your D constantly compares herself with everyone else and judges her successes and failures and her happiness and sadness based on these comparisons.
She sees “Les Mis” were everyone is miserable, and she becomes happy, because her life in comparison is better. She compares her scores and grades to her friends 2400 SATs and her cousins college matriculations and gets down on her own scores and college choices. </p>

<p>Is she comparing herself to her friend that committed suicide, where she is adding up all of the plus and minus comparison with her friend. Be careful and loving.</p>

<p>How to stop the comparisons? Telling someone not to do it doesn’t work. She has got to learn how to love the skin that she is in. I don’t know the answer to this, but maybe her psychologist does.</p>

<p>Also, college in CA or NYC might not be a great idea for someone who gets down on herself when doing comparisons. (I’m from CA). Consider colleges in gentler parts of the country.</p>

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<p>@YoHoYoHo I think that may be very true. Interesting point with the Les Mis connection. I’ve never been a fan of her going to NYC - I worked there for many years, and don’t really want to send her there as an 18-year-old. So far away, and such a big city in comparison to the suburb she’s known all her life, but she really was head over heels with the way it was filled with people and things to do. That’s the only reason I’m even considering it.</p>

<p>Are places like Washington or Pennsylvania known to be ‘gentler’ parts?</p>

108

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<p>I suspect that she is well aware that you try to deflect her from thinking about college.</p>

<p>Have you or could you get some guidance from the therapist about how to respond to her college thinking? It would be interesting to know if it comes up in her sessions and how the therapist responds.</p>

109

<p>I actually have a question right now that I would appreciate some guidance with.</p>

<p>You’ve all stated that therapy is very important for her at this point, and I agree. She also takes voice and piano classes. </p>

<p>However, as they are quite expensive, I’m having an issue deciding which one to sacrifice. ATM, we have her at therapy 2x a month, piano 2x a month, and voice 4x a month. She’s voiced to me many times that she wants to go back to piano 4x a month, because for her, piano is also a form of therapy and relief and I recognize that. But I feel actual therapy may have to take priority here…</p>

<p>I’m not entirely sure whether or not to go back to piano 4x a month and to decrease therapy to 1x a month. Would the music or the therapy be better for her during this time?</p>

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<p>Only my opinion and experience: music helps one personally. If the issue is a young person in relationship to the world around her, how to set the right goals, follow through and feel better about herself and the ups-and-downs that come, the therapy with a pro is needed. </p>

<p>We started with weekly and didn’t move to every 2 (or occasionally 3) weeks til the counselor and D2 felt she could manage the interims. At that point she was on meds and feeling more control. What’s hard is that the environment keeps shifting on teens. Later, D2 came to know when she’d be facing a challenge and schedule preemptively. Imo, they have to feel they are in partnership with the counselor, not simply going as any old appt. In that respect, it’s important to have a therapist who really clicks with your kid- and knows teen issues well.</p>

<p>I can’t imagine moving a gal who can be described as self-loathing to once/month. That’s just my opinion. I was scared s-less for D2- both about her present and how her future would be impacted if she didn’t find her balance.</p>

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<p>I also would not cut therapy. </p>

<p>One idea would be to tell D that there are $X to spend on music lessons, or else that there are a certain number of lessons each month, and ask for her input on how the money/lesson time should be divided between voice and piano.</p>

112

<p>Doesn’t your insurance pay most of the tab for therapist?</p>

<p>Does therapist know of local groups for teens with similar issues?</p>

<p>Will therapist agree to once a month? I can think of many who would not feel comfortable with that limited time.</p>

113

<p>When my son was going through a depression last year, I got him into therapy so fast and kept him there weekly until the therapist felt we could decrease. He was on meds for a few months until he and his therapist decided he could go off (he hated them after awhile). What kept him sane through this baffling and scary times were his voice lessons and theatre programs. I would find a way to keep all, maybe decrease the amount of voice but add in piano (each twice a month?). However, in now way would I consider dropping the therapy unless you and the therapist meet and agree this is a good idea.</p>

<p>I have read this thread since you first started but have not chimed in as you were getting a lot of good advice. I do not recall, what is your daughter hoping to major in at college? That might help in deciding where to go…</p>

<p>This is such a hard time for you and your family, I totally empathize.</p>

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<p>Therapy is medical. It’s in a different class of expenses than musical lessons. If she needed insulin, you wouldn’t suggest she choose between music lessons and insulin.</p>

115

<p>Not to mention, she can presumably sing or play piano at home whenever she wants.</p>

<p>As for your question about “gentler parts,” I think whoever said that was probably referring to smaller towns or less fast-paced regions of the country (midwest, south).</p>

116

<p>In choosing a college, make sure it’s one where off-campus therapists will be easily available and easily accessible (walking or public transportation). This might tilt towards urban or suburban campuses versus more rural. Keep in mind that she will need to keep up with therapy in school.</p>

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<p>Well, the first person I’d ask would be the therapist. Is she ready to spread out her appointments? </p>

<p>You also mentioned perhaps starting medications. If you do this, she may need to see the therapist more often as someone who knows something about psychiatric drugs will want to monitor her closely in the first few weeks she’s on them. Where you live, that might be the prescribing practitioner. Where I live, it is not.</p>

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<p>It’s tempting to want to spread out therapy appointments so that in one’s own mind, “it’s not that serious.” I urge you to resist that temptation. Her mental health is job #1. It comes above colleges, it comes above EC’s.</p>

119

<p>I’m actually shocked that she is only seeing the therapist twice a month. My inclination would be to step up the therapy to weekly and, if necessary financially, reduce the voice and piano to twice a month for now. She can devote as much time as she wishes to practicing both between lessons, and derive benefit from that. She can’t do therapy by herself. I think that addressing her mental state should be priority #1 right now. </p>

<p>Regarding colleges, I urge you not to view the possibility of going to a LAC as a “lesser” option and a retreat. There are plenty of LACs in the country that are equal to or better than Us on your list, especially for undergraduate education.</p>

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<p>1) Has this behavior stopped, AND
2) Has your wife sincerely apologized to D, perhaps in the presence or with the help of the therapist? You can’t unring some bells, but with time and patience she might be able to have this bell ring much more faintly.</p>