Hello College Confidential this is my first time posting on this board so hopefully I do this right!
Anyways, so I made friends with a girl and the beginning of the year, we will call her Cheryl. Well, Cheryl met a boy about a month into school since she had broken up with her boyfriend back home a week prior and was looking to get over him. She met a boy, let’s call him Charlie, on Tinder and they hit it off. Our group met him and thought he was pretty nice and seemed decent but lately I have been a little worried about my friend and her academic success which is being influenced by this boy.
This boy is 22 while Cheryl is only 18 years old. He is a senior graduating this fall while she is a brand new freshman. She is one of those girls that will change herself just to be accepted by other people and likes to brag about all of her mental health conditions. She has fallen hard for this boy but he is not looking for a relationship since he will be leaving soon and she agreed to this. The issue is that he did hangout with another girl and she got really mad at him over it which she really had no reason to do. Although this is happening it is not what I am worried about. What I am worried about is the fact she skips anywhere from 2-4 days of classes a week because she goes to his house and gets really drunk and high and then cannot manage to make it to class for the rest of the day because after she wakes up they just get high again. I am worried about her because she has so much ahead of her but she’s so hung up on this boy and spending time on him she has thrown her academics out of the window.
What do you suggest I do? I’ve thought about talking to her about it but feel like she would just get really defensive about it.
You might lose a friend if you talk to her. But she is probably going to end up on academic probation after this semester. I guess I’d say, “Hey, I’ve been a little worried, I really like being friends with you and don’t want to see you in academic trouble. I know you’ve missed a lot of class lately – is there anything I can do to help?”
I think the best you can do is tell her you noticed she is missing classes, you are worried about her, and that you are there to talk anytime, and then leave it at that. No lectures, no nagging. As painful as this will be, she is probably going to have to experience the consequences of her choices: academic probation, getting her heart broken (he will continue to “hang out” with other girls and/or dump her if she appears too clingy), etc. I cannot say if this is just a rebound thing or the start of a pattern, where she cannot be alone for any amount of time (1 week between hometown boyfriend and Tinder hookup is not enough time). It’s tough to have to watch this unfold and feel so helpless. Good luck.
The main problem is that you are putting some of the blame on the boy. There been many relationships where girls don’t just skip majority of classes just to get high with their boyfriends. Girls know her own consequences and the boyfriend should be promoting her to get her mind straight.
@soontobecolleger I meant the boyfriend should be trying to help her out but you can’t put the blame on him if she is willingly to skip classes for him.
Providing/sharing alcohol and drugs with an underage person. They are both a mess, but he may graduate and move away. She will probable still be a mess, with bad grades and other issues. I agree with having a friend talk with her and maybe the RA. The consequences will arrive shortly and she will have to face them. Be sure you stay on track and don’t let her drama derail you.
Many freshman get caught up in the lifestyle being away from home. That is why the academic floors established by schools are lower for the freshman. Some schools even have floors below a 2.0GPA freshman year. She just needs some time to work it out and mature a little bit. People mature at different times. She will be fine.
It is nice that you care for her and your such a good friend. God bless you.
This is obviously a negative thing, BUT at the same time kind of a good thing. It’s the kind of learning experience that college is really good for - figuring out how to fail, and learning the consequences of your actions as an adult, in a safer place/way than you otherwise would. Imagine if she was doing the same thing, but instead of skipping classes she was skipping work to get high with her boyfriend? And if her job was the only thing keeping her from being evicted and homeless and hungry? As silly as it seems, this is the kind of situation that teaches you a variety of things:
If I drink too much I have a hard time functioning the next day…maybe I should fix that. How much can I drink without incapacitating myself?
If I miss too many days of class(work) then I will fail. I guess I have to go to class and study!
And yes, there are a lot of people who come to college and don’t really know those things.
For you, it’s also a learning experience…there will be MANY times in the future when you will have a friend or roommate who is on a self-destructive pattern and you have to decide how much and when to say something. Sometimes those friends can be really defensive and sometimes they will be open to hearing you out. It depends on the friend, the circumstances, and the potential outcome…until you mentioned the drugs I was going to say this was something I would’ve stayed out of, but the drug issues put this on another level.