<p>I am unapologetic about wanting to help move my kids into college. We couldn't do it for my daughter and she was fine. My son also could have done it without us but I very much wanted to visualize his room and feel comfortable about knowing that he was in the right place. He did have a car and could have moved everything in himself - especially since they had kids unpacking the vehicles. It wasn't a dramatic, "oh, son we're going to miss you sooooo much, now let me unpack your jammies", it was just helping him move in and acknowledging his adult status. We've helped friends move, why would we do any less for our kids? Son was glad we came, and the majority of the kids did seem to have parents there.</p>
<p>Motel room strategy - Probably depends very much on your location. My son's college is next to a good size city. Their rates don't go up because there are more then enough rooms but what happens is the close by ones fill up fast. I just booked a close by hotel for parents weekend (same place I had last year) and got a lower rate then I did last year because I booked earlier. One strategy is to book at a more expensive close by one but see if you can back out without a penalty and then continue checking prices at other ones.</p>
<p>Darn, I thought this thread was about parents going to college with their child ... as in enrolling and staying there. I believe that at least one of my parents would have loved the idea. </p>
<p>Fwiw, I think it is great to have the help of your parents when moving in. No matter how well prepared one might be, the process is still overwhelming. Of course, if you let your mom decorate your dorm, you might end up with a cutesy Ralph Lauren styled room. One week later you'll start redecorating to make it more acceptable to the real Ralph and ... hopefully cute Lauren. :)</p>
<p>PS Remember that for moving days, the giant GLAD bags are your best allies, especially if your drive to your school.</p>
<p>To me the question is whether the parent goes at all. I say that decision should be up to the student. If asked, I would be delighted to go. If not asked, I 'd be delighted that my S felt that he could handle this.</p>
<p>With gas prices on the rise again, sending the stuff to college by UPS or bus freight probably makes the most economic sense if the college is at any distance from the family home. UPS can deliver it to the dorm (check with your college since some expressly don't allow this) or your S can stop by the bus station in the cab from the airport. My S has seen this in action since we always send our stuff for skiing this way.</p>
<p>Some parents on this thread have mentioned that they wanted to go to get comfortable with the student's room, roommate, etc. I ask, what is that parent going to do if the parent doesn't like the room or the roommate? Complain, demand a different room and/or roommate? That is not the way I'd want to have my first day on campus start if I was that student. These are issues the young adult needs to deal with, not Mom and/or Dad.</p>
<p>I know my S is going to take his camera and will be willing to send me photos by email if I ask. Why go, if not requested?</p>
<p>Some students have said how much they appreciated their parents coming along. I say fine, so long as it was the student's idea. </p>
<p>What is the worst that can happen if the parent doesn't go? The S or D might have to figure something out on his or her own? I think that is part of the maturing process isn't it, or have I missed something?</p>
<p>I think that we're talking about two things here - the logistics of a move-in and saying goodbye (literally and figuratively) to our kids. </p>
<p>Can they somehow get all their stuff in their room without outside help? Well, sure but anytime you move it's easier with another set of hands. Most colleges seem to be set up with the expectation that the parents will come and the college schedule is set with both parents and students in mind. Mature students are not going to turn into stumbling incompetents just because their parents are there. Without their parents there, marginal adults will either stumble through the day and learn a lesson or two or have a meltdown without the support they're use to.</p>
<p>The goodbye part (for me) was important. Both of our kids are very independent but our son had had a rough senior year friendwise. I very much wanted to see with my own eyes his new home. I can't explain how relieved I was when I saw how happy he was. It wasn't a matter of manipulating the situation or changing things if they weren't to my liking - it was simply feeling good about this. If you have ever lived through a rough period with one of your kids you might understand the need for knowing that they are happy- that's all. You might not understand this 07Dad, but I think most kids do and besides the physical part of moving in, they also want to show their parents their new home.</p>
<p>I took my S to Stanford and Berkeley to visit a couple of years ago. During the Stanford tour they asked all parents to follow one guide and that the prospective students go with another group of guides. I asked the "parents' guide" what this was about. He (a third year student) said that they knew that many students had questions, but that the parents so dominated the process the students couldn't get their questions asked or answered.</p>
<p>I asked professional staffers in two other admissions offices about parental involvment. They said that the "new" style parents had caused there to be a need to set up parent programs for every on-campus program they had for prospective and newly admitted students. </p>
<p>They indicated that there was a noticable greater difficulty in the adjustment of those students whose parents had to be part of everything.</p>
<p>Everyone should know their own young adult by the time they are seniors. Last month, my S flew to and attended the merit scholarship interview 2 day program at the college he is most interested in, by himself at his request. They had a program for parents, but few parents attended and the parents were not allowed to tag along in the student's activities.</p>
<p>He came back with a myriad observations and reasons he was still high on that school. I was aware that he hardly mentioned the dorms. I asked him a little about them. He said, you know Dad, they are just dorms.</p>
<p>My opinion is that I'm not saying goodbye, just "go for it." That can be said without having to be on the campus. </p>
<p>Going off to college is part of his life. If not asked, I'm staying at home.</p>
<p>It's been said that the two most stressful periods of someone's life are suffering a death and moving. Your student may not even know whether you can be helpful or not or whether your presence is important. I'm going to err on the side of being there as unobtrusively as possible. I'd rather she remember me there and not needing me than vice versa.</p>
<p>This story might lend a nice perspective on parental intervention.</p>
<p>From the 2006 Version of Parents - Post Your Annual Move in Story here! </p>
<p>
[quote]
Here's the loft story:
WildChild got a single (his first choice) at Penn. It turns out the singles are absolutely tiny. Dear S decided he would find a lofted bed somewhere in the dorm, since he did early move-in. None to be had. He found one in the IKEA catalogue and last Sunday while he and H had the rented UHaul, they made a major excursion to IKEA, complete with long line, to acquire it. Meanwhile, I was on my first business trip for my new job and enjoying life on the corporate plane and then on the shores of Lake Superior in a gorgeous lodge. H and WildChild went through hell trying to build up the IKEA bed (I think a wrench was dropped down the heating ducts), and then S was told by the Penn facilities folks that you aren't allowed to move the dorm furniture and they will not haul it off for you. (He has been at a number of boarding schools and the unwanted chairs, beds etc were just moved somewhere else). So-the IKEA bed had to come down. All the packaging had been discarded so it was not returnable. H was about to scream. He blamed WildChild for not figuring all this out in advance. As H and I know, EVERYTHING involving WildChild is a production! IKEA bed now awaits re-selling on craigslist or next year's use in an apartment and is resting peacefully in the suburbs in the back of my parents' garage. I enjoyed a beer with my new co-workers and surveyed the beauty of northern MN. I did NOT tell H what a nice trip I was having.
<p>But there are some things in life that were not designed to be done without a helper.</p>
<p>Outpatient surgery is an example. No matter how independent or grown-up you are, if you're having outpatient surgery, you must be accompanied by another person. That's the way the system works.</p>
<p>Similarly, at some colleges where most of the students live within driving distance and freshmen do not have cars on campus, such as the state university that my son attends, the "system" for check-in and move-in assumes that each student is accompanied by a second person -- the one who will drive the car back home. </p>
<p>This has nothing to do with the individual student's independence. It's simply the way the system works.</p>
<p>Have you noticed that some colleges have their freshman orientation sessions scheduled throughout the summer, with only a small number of students attending at any one time, while other colleges have everyone go through orientation all at once, just before classes start? The schools that have orientation at different times during the summer tend to be the ones that draw largely from nearby geographical areas. I strongly suspect that these are also the schools that assume that a second person will drive the student to campus for move-in. </p>
<p>Obviously, Stanford is not one of these schools. But many state universities are.</p>
<p>No, I'm not concerned that my son might have to figure something out by himself. He's quite capable, and I have all the faith in the world in him. He's fully aware of that fact. </p>
<p>I have a question for you. </p>
<p>Do you have any concerns that you've set your children up to feel that if they need or just want you along for something like dorm move in day, that you might have the impression that they are incapable of handling things on their own? Do you have any worries that they may be reluctant to ask you for your help, when in reality, they'd love for you to offer your assistance?</p>
<p>I may be entirely off base, and if I am, I apologize, but that's the vibe I get.</p>
<p>One of the reasons that I find CC so fascinating are the many different perspectives and opinions that parents, students and academicians hold on so many subjects. After reading your posts I decided to conduct my own experiment. So, I told my SS that I was starting a trial the day that they are scheduled to move in and that my H would be driving down (9hrs) with them and helping them move in (Duke). Well-- to my great relief, they were dumbstruck. After a moment they saw right through me and knew that come hell or high water, I would be there. They knew that I wouldn't miss this time, just as I haven't missed a football game, band concert, swim mete or crew race. Am I a helicopter Mom, probably. And I make no apologies. My parents, g-d bless them, were there for my sister and me, and my H and I will be there for our SS. I applaud you for raising an independent young adult, and yet, I hope you haven't missed out on other opportunities to share these life events with your child(ren) because they didn't ask. We all march to the beat of a different drummer. I am happy that my SS are marching alongside me.</p>
<p>proudinnj -
Next try another experiment. Tell your sons that your firm has transferred you to a location about 5 miles from Duke, and you are so happy because you will be able to see them as often as possible, like four or five times each week!! :)</p>
<p>The truth is my partners wouldn't be surprised if effective August 21st, I change careers and becoming a frat mother. Do they still have frat mothers, or am I dating myself!</p>
<p>My son jokes about how I'd like to go to college with him. His schools are so wonderful, part of me would love to! But of course, I'm too old and I would never ruin his independent experience by hanging around too much.</p>
<p>However, I'm sure he'd be taken aback if I didn't want to take him to college. I've never missed a Scholars Bowl match or chorus concert, went to his opening night performance in "Oklahoma" 24 hours after an appendectomy etc. It would be just odd if I suddenly got completely uninvolved. We will not hang around spying on him--we do remember what it's like to start college. I agree with kathiep though; I'd like to have a clear picture in my mind of his dorm and roommate(s). Somehow it will be comforting, like I know where he is. Other kids and parents are free to do it differently, but I can't imagine not driving DS to college.</p>
<p>My H went to NYC with our D for an accepted students weekend...of course she could have gone alone, but there was something special about him seeing her take the lead...it was good for him to her take charge</p>
<p>I think it is very gracious when a young adult understands that a parent wants to help out and be there for the move in-move away...</p>
<p>We jsut can't picture our D flying to the east coast with all her stuff and transporting it...we consider ourselves sherpas....</p>
<p>Of course there has to be a balance- helping and letting them take the lead</p>
<p>My D understands that her parents want to be there to help and she is adult enough to give us that...besides us helping her, she gets that our seeing her off in that fashion is important to us...and she will give us that</p>
<p>She knows we won't annoy her or hover, but she knows I will cry....hey, she can cope with that!!!</p>
<p>I applaud you for raising an independent young adult, and yet, I hope you haven't missed out on other opportunities to share these life events with your child(ren) because they didn't ask. We all march to the beat of a different drummer. I am happy that my SS are marching alongside me.</p>
<p>Do you have any worries that they may be reluctant to ask you for your help, when in reality, they'd love for you to offer your assistance?</p>
<p>coronax2 and proudinnj--</p>
<p>Not to worry. I'm a three day a month Dad on the school cafeteria line and have been for years. Been to everything from band concerts to chaperoning dances to grilling burgers at the school cross country meets. I did not answer your posts till now because I agreed to take my S's car to get a new tire while he was out of town at a track meet. </p>
<p>I do lots with and for my S. However, now that he is a young adult I wait to be asked for involvment in his steps toward independence. He doesn't pay any "grief tax" when he asks for my involvment or help. If he asks me to help get his stuff to college, I'm going to be available. I just do not think that my involvment in these things should be a given, or that my wishes control over his desire to do it himself. </p>
<p>He is old enough to decide and I know he will ask if he wants my involvment. Each kid is different. My S usually likes to handle things on his own. I think he has a good feel for what he can handle.</p>
<p>We live 2 hours from the school that both kids attend(ed) and both had expectations that both I and their dad (we are divorced) would participate in move-in day their freshman year. No one ever gave it a second thought that this wouldn't be a given. For one thing, multiple vehicles were required! S and XH were both required to position beds on risers and S's expertise was essential in establishing connections to cable tv, computer network, etc. The most critical contribution, however, seems to be the use of the parental credit card as families gather en masse at the off campus magnet in the early afternoon - Target! Even more than the kids' expectation of help with the move in is the expectation of assistance with the move back home for the summer. Now that it a "hellacious" process for all involved! What mom packed neatly for the move in is thrown into boxes with wild abandon and requires much additional space for transportation home; additional items return with them - unsold textbooks, additional clothing, plastic drawers, etc. And the worst part - where do you put it all when they bring it home? Oh to be wealthy and have money to pay for summer storage!</p>
<p>
[quote]
Oh to be wealthy and have money to pay for summer storage!
[/quote]
If I recall correctly, my son rented a shared storage locker for the summer near his college and his total cost was $50. I think he was sharing it with 2 other kids and the total cost was $150. It was a private company, not affiliated with the college -- I think they even came to the school to pick the stuff up. </p>
<p>Anyway.... I was just a little amused at your description of a litany of very expensive options (multiple vehicles for a 4 hour round trip drive; cable tv; credit cards at Target).... and then describe the storage unit as being for the "wealthy".</p>
I thought that too, when I first saw the title. After spending a weekend visiting my d. at her campus, I'm ready to sign up. My observation: college is wasted on the young.</p>
<p>Calmom,
No SUVs with lots of space in this family. Both children had acqured things to oufit the dorm room over the course of the summer through summer jobs - television, microwave, fridges. These items take up lots of room which necessitated two vehicles. Unfortunately, according to S such inexpensive storage is not available at their school, although they can store up to 3 items over the course of the summer in the basement of next year's dorm. S was never comfortable storing items - guess he is anal like his mom!</p>