<p>I don't have much experience with this; hope you can give advice.</p>
<p>I have a newish friend that I've known for about a year; our girls are on the same sports team and will eventually go to the same high school. She has 3 step kids who I've never met in their 20's. One of the kids committed suicide this week in a public way and the visitation is going to be this weekend. I don't know what the relationship is between the mom and the stepkids. I was thinking that I should go to the visitation in support of my friend and of her daughter and the dad of the deceased. I also thought that my girl should go in support of her teammate (my daughter is 13).</p>
<p>What do you think? I don't know the boy at all, nor his mom or older siblings. Would you go to the visitation?</p>
<p>I think that you should go because you feel it is appropriate for you to do so.</p>
<p>And I think that your daughter should make her own decision about whether or not she should go – with no negative feedback from you if she chooses not to attend. </p>
<p>You say that your daughter and this girl are teammates; you do not say whether they are friends. If they are not friends, your daughter’s presence at the visitation might seem awkward to both of them. Also, even if the two girls are friends, your daughter might be so uncomfortable in that setting that she would not be able to be of any support to the other girl. If they are friends, your daughter will have plenty of opportunities to be supportive to the other girl in the weeks and months to come; that is more important. </p>
<p>Incidentally, I think it is entirely possible that your daughter’s teammate may not be at the visitation or may be there only briefly, especially if she did not know her stepsibling well. When I was a teenager, I had four stepsiblings, only two of whom I had even met, and those two only casually. If one of them had died, I don’t think I would have been present at the visitation, and probably not at the funeral, either. Although those people were technically my stepsiblings, two of them were complete strangers to me and the other two were only acquaintances. I wouldn’t have belonged there.</p>
<p>I would go to just to support the friend, not because you knew the boy. Whatever was the relationship between your friend and the stepson, it must not be easy for her. She would appreciate your support. I am not sure if it’s necessary for your daughter to go.</p>
<p>Would it be possible for the daughter’s teammates to go together? Last year a boy on my youngest’s soccer team died in a car accident, and the team went to the visitation together.</p>
<p>If she is your friend (even a newish one), you should go. My brother committed suicide a few years ago, and I recall (very fondly) everyone who came to the visitation to support our family. Even people who didn’t know him well, but knew us.</p>
<p>Having your daughter go is a bit trickier. My kids did not go to the visitation for my brother (their uncle), but that was partly because my dad did not think it was appropriate for them. They went to the actual funeral and to the house afterwards, but the visitation can be a bit overwhelming for kids. So you may find that the daughter is not even there.</p>
<p>What is a “visitation”? Is it a wake? A viewing? Is this a religious or regional custom? (I was raised an atheist; my parents did not go to funerals or memorials; I have been to wakes, funerals, and memorial services; I have even sat shiva. But “visitation” is a new one to me. Thanks.)</p>
<p>It’s really not that hard to figure out what a “visitation” is.</p>
<p>One of my good friends committed suicide sophomore year. I was honored enough to sit with the family and I vividly remember every person that went, whether or not they were close friends with us.</p>
<p>My DD went to a viewing in grade 7 when a friend in their general crowd died in a hit and run. She recalls it vividly and I think it was the right thing, she was not traumatised.</p>
<p>OP,
I agree that your support of your friend would be appreciated. As for your daughter’s attendance:
What does your daughter feel about going? Does she feel the young lady is a ‘friend’ or ‘teammate’? Has she met the young man at some point?
The answers to these questions should guide your decision.
All the best.</p>
<p>Why is the distinction between “friend” and “teammate” being so prominently suggested as a deciding factor?</p>
<p>If at all serious about sports, your teammates, regardless of whether you like them or not, are your brothers/sisters. When one of you is injured or hurt, everyone is injured or hurt. Your daughter should certainly show, out of mere respect and support for her teammate.</p>
<p>As for you, what could be hurt by attending? I’m sure the family would be more than pleased to find reassurance that even people that they are “newish” friends with are there to support them in a time like this. It seems as if you are trying to over analyze the situation.</p>
<p>For a 13 year old, what we call the subtle differences between ‘friends’ and ‘teammates’ can be significant.
My first instinct is to ask the daughter how she feels. If mom is inclined to have the daughter attend in support of her teammate, that conversation should occur after mom solicits daughter’s opinion.</p>
<p>WooPig: I was actually looking for a less-vague understanding of what a visitation is. I googled it, and apparently it is a protestant/catholic custom of a viewing at a funeral home, which takes place before the funeral, thus creating two distinct events: the visitation and the funeral service. </p>
<p>Our family customs do not follow that procedure (we’re a pro-cremation group). I have been to viewings, but had never heard them called visitations.</p>
<p>Just to add one more thought—if you or your daughter decides not to go to the visitation, I’m sure the family would really appreciate a sympathy card. I know that means a lot to people.</p>
<p>dmd77, visitations are very common in the Midwest where I live. They may be but are not always “viewings.” They are usually held in the late afternoon or evening and allow a large number of visitors to pay their respects to the family, especially acquaintances, teammates, neighbors who are not close friends as well as people who may not wish to attend a religious service, if there is one. If the funeral is held on a weekday, many people who might not be able to take off work unless they are close family can come to the visitation but not the funeral. Sometimes they are held consecutively, especially on weekends, but often visitation is in the evening and the funeral the next day. </p>
<p>I agree that the D should be able to choose whether or not to attend. I personally cannot stand “viewing” the body. I have no desire whatsoever to look at the person but prefer to remember them the way they were. Perhaps I take after my M who always said she “didn’t want people looking at her after she died.” Went to a service recently for an elderly relative and my siblings and cousins looked at me funny because I didn’t want to to near the casket to look at the body.</p>
<p>I think that the visitation is what we generally call a wake. It’s sort of an open house at the funeral home where the family receives friends and acquaintances. The custom in my neighborhood is that if you feel you should go, because you are friends or good acquaintances with either the survivors or the deceased, you may attend either or both as your schedule permits.</p>
<p>I have been to several viewings that I wasn’t sure I should attend. I was very glad that I went to a couple of them, and I felt really weird at a couple others. The ones that I was uncomfortable about were ones where the deceased was my acquaintance, so I had no connection with the ones left behind (but I wanted to offer my condolences, just the same). I have found that being there for someone who is hurting is a small gift we give them. </p>
<p>As for your daughter, though, I’m not sure it’s necessary … if she wanted to go, that would be different.</p>
<p>You’re all correct. That’s what a visitation is (I’m the OP).</p>
<p>Wow, I just feel so down right now. The last year has been so hard. My sister diagnosed with breast cancer, which has already come back twice, my aunt died unexpectedly earlier this month. It just goes on and on. 3 parents of classmates of my kids have died in the last 4 months, and one sister of a classmate died in an accident. How do you get past the feeling of dread? I’m not depressed or anything, but when bad things keep happening, how do you get past the feeling that more bad things are going to happen? Sometimes my stomach is just tied up in knots.</p>
<p>I am sorry that you have experienced so much loss in the last year. It is an adjustment to lose one person but several in quick succession is esp hard. May I suggest that you call your local hospice and check out the bereavement services? Their counselors are trained to help deal with loss and usually they provide services to the community regardless of whether hospice was used.</p>
<p>best wishes. The best way to honor them is to get up and live your life to the fullest.</p>
<p>Busyoneofmany, I am sorry you have experienced so much loss & illness. That’s a lot to handle in a short period of time. </p>
<p>An old friend passed away a few weeks ago. I was feeling really down about it & commented to another friend about how I was especially upset because she is my age with kids my kids’ ages. My friend was blunt. She said, “You are not going to escape death. It’s a fact of life. You will face this many more times. You are going to have to try to come to terms with this reality.” Spoken like the chief medical examiner’s daughter that she is, of course. But she’s right. We are getting to the age where we are going to be facing these situations. It’s not easy. For me, this is where my faith kicks in.</p>