Would you have done this to your son/daughter?

Parent Cafe
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<p>In October 2006, I was misdiagnosed with schizophrenia. I was in grade 12 at the time. My parents and my uncle forced me to a mental hospital, where I was sedated against my will and kept behind bars (literally) for three weeks during which I missed a lot of classes. My personal attendant in the ward was my older cousin who kept hitting me and strapping me to the bed every time I protested/tried to escape. I was given (forced) antipsychotics for the rest of the academic year which led to a significant drop in my academic performance.</p>

<p>It was later revealed that it was a misdiagnosis and that what seemed to be psychotic symptoms were only obsessive symptoms (I have OCD). I stopped taking the neuroleptics a long time ago and have been perfectly fine (in fact, much better than when I was on them).</p>

<p>However, this started a chain of events as a result of which I am now 21 years old, and haven't even started college.</p>

<p>I now wholeheartedly hate my parents for this and they know it. But not once have they apologized for their mistake. </p>

<p>What would you have done if it was your son/daughter?</p>

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<p>My parents never did anything this severe to me…</p>

<p>But in fact I was in a similar situation.</p>

<p>“Diagnosed” with depression, forced to take anti-depressants (which, in fact, caused depression and ensuing suicidal thoughts - fortunately my parents noticed and took me off of them). </p>

<p>I had put so much thought, effort into applying for colleges. They disregarded every single acceptance. Forced me to attend my state school because that’s where “I would do better” and “they wouldn’t waste money” if I “failed” there. When I asked if I could take a year off to work, or volunteer, perhaps while taking one or two community college classes to show that I could handle a college work load (which they clearly doubted), they told me on the one hand that it would make me “too mature” and on the other hand that doing well in community college classes would “prove nothing to them”. </p>

<p>Senior year was a horrible experience where I felt like I was being torn in two, given terrible conflicting messages where there was no way out and no right answer. I wasn’t literally behind bars…but I felt like it.</p>

<p>I’ve intensely disliked my experience at my large state uni…and I have not done well academically (I was a star student and athlete in HS)…it’s pretty sad because I was looking forward to college so much. I was one of those kids that was getting Dartmouth t-shirts from my friends for my eighth grade birthday, no joke.</p>

<p>They never apologized. Never admitted that maybe I would have done better at a smaller, more academically-minded school. Never admitted that maybe it was their own refusal to listen to me or have an honest conversation with me or give me some agency at all that drove me to behaviors they interpreted as “depression.” </p>

<p>I guess, what we both have to accept, is that parents are human. They make mistakes too. We like to think of them as infallible…they must be…if they are given control over another human life (their children). Apologizing is no doubt extremely difficult for them because they would have to admit that they failed you (in one respect, at least). But we all fail others at some point…</p>

<p>One thing I know is we can’t live our lives blaming our parents for our current condition. Certainly our position in life is heavily dependent on external factors…but on the other hand, perhaps you would not even be considering college, if it were not for your parents. So, things could always be worse. All we can do is accept where we are and move forward.</p>

<p>21 is still really young. You may not have attended college yet, but at least you’re not nearly finished (like me) without the grades and experience to get a job. You have a clean slate in front of you, really. Go for it. Try to let go of the mistakes your parents made. I hate saying it because lord knows I haven’t let go of what my parents did. But we have to try.</p>

<p>What gets the kid who grew up in the ghetto attending a terrible urban public HS with barely the money to put himself through community college farther? Blaming his parents for being drug or alcohol addicts, blaming his parents for not getting a better job? Or just accepting his current position and moving forward? Everyone is held back and propelled forward by their parents, in different ways. We can spend our lives being angry and wishing we could change the past, or we can look to the future.</p>

<p>I wish I could talk to my parents about this and tell them how I felt about it all. But last time I tried to bring it up they said “that was four years ago!” and told me I was crazy/pyschotic. Again, people aren’t perfect. I just have to keep telling myself that. </p>

<p>I don’t have the answers and I can’t tell you how to get closure from this. I know we can all logically say “we have to let go of our anger” but in practice, it’s so much harder. Maybe it will give you some solace to know that I consider you in a great position right now. So young. With a desire to go to college, and, it seems, the ability. Sure, you didn’t get to start right out of HS, but you can now. The future is still wide open. Please believe it :).</p>

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<p>UCMP11 - Kudos! I would be proud to be your parent! You do obviously have skills and they will help you in your future endeavors. I am very impressed with your maturity. I honestly wish you well.</p>

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Unless your parents are psychiatrists, they didn’t make the mistake. If they were trying to do the best thing for you–presumably on the advice of doctors-I don’t understand why you hate them for it. Maybe it’s time to stop blaming other people for your problems.</p>

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<p>To thomaskurian89 and UMP11,</p>

<p>I’m so sorry that you both had to go through such difficult times. You will see when you get older that life is full of missteps and restarts. Don’t let the past hold you back. Look to the future and all you can accomplish starting now.</p>

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<p>WOW…umcp11: love your mature take on life. You will go far, sorry about the rocky start. Some people with good grades will be a lot worse off than you, and your mature attitude. </p>

<p>thomas: I hope you were listening, and I hope you can find inside yourself what you need to be successful. Your start was definitely unconventional, and right now it must seem the end of the world, but really it is not so late. Some kids your age are ditching what they first wanted to do and starting over anyway. Your short synopsis doesn’t give any of us enough info to judge your parents…but as I have said on other threads (not my own idea, but a brilliant one): you get two chances at the parent-child relationship, one where you are the child, and the next where you are the parent. Be a great parent, and learn what you can from this; when you are a parent, you will be a lot more forgiving of your own and their mistakes.</p>

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<p>While going through some exceptionally tough parenting decisions with one of my boys, I later looked back and realized (much as I’m sure your parents do) that if I’d had all the information from the onset I would have done things differently. I beat myself up a very long time for that. My mother lovingly and wisely told me ‘you do the best you can with the information you have at the time’.</p>

<p>As horrific and traumatizing as what you have endured I would like to offer that your parents did the best they could with the information they had at the time. I am not invalidating your wish for an apology, only asking that you might see that their intentions were for your health.</p>

<p>You can not control other people, you can only control yourself. It sounds as though you have access to good health care at this time. Perhaps you could work with a therapist or counselor who could help you. The type of anger you feel is destructive and will eventually keep you from full recovery.</p>

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<p>Unfortunately, anger and hate will just prolong your not getting to where you want to be. Don’t you think your parents did what they did because the love you, they were scared and they put their trust in doctors?</p>

<p>Try to look forward instead of backwards, your life from here will be what you make it.</p>

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<p>I once got the following words of wisdom:</p>

<p>“Your parents did the best they could with what they had or knew at the time.”</p>

<p>It may or may not be true but if you can embrace this mantra and accept it as YOUR truth then you will be set free. </p>

<p>You might not be ready, but when you are forgiveness truly is the only way forward.</p>

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<p>Your parents didn’t make a mistake – the mental health professionals did, by diagnosing you with one condition when you actually had another.</p>

<p>Your parents may not feel the need to apologize because they do not feel that they made a mistake. They were probably doing as well as they could at the time. Coping with mental illness in a family member – even if the illness is something controllable like OCD – is a difficult challenge.</p>

<p>I’m not saying that you didn’t have a bad experience. Obviously, you did, and everyone here is sorry that it happened. But I think it was more a matter of bad luck – a misdiagnosis followed by some poor care – rather than bad parenting.</p>

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<p>I think the OP here is perfectly justified in feeling that he is living with the consequences of some bad parenting.</p>

<p>I agree with umcp11 that the best way forward is to focus on the opportunities of the future rather than the mistakes of the past.</p>

<p>But I do not think it would be easy to determine how to mend fences with the parents. Or even if the OP should.</p>

<p>To say that parents did “the best that they could” – what if their best was abysmal? Is the child expected to just carry on as if that was okay, have a relationship with the parents that pretends like bad things never happened?</p>

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<p>Thank you all for your considerate comments.</p>

<p>The worst part is knowing that their decision to institutionalize me by force was a rash decision motivated by anger, rather than the desire to treat. </p>

<p>On that fateful day, I was having an argument with my uncle. It got heated and he finally threatened “I’ll have you admitted to a mental hospital today!”. (Maybe my parents had secretly told him about my diagnosis. They never told me, though…) He then told my parents who agreed without a moment’s thought.</p>

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<p>So true, Denise515. When you think about all the people in the world today who are carrying around baggage from their parental upbringing…it’s mind-staggering!</p>

<p>I would hope that OP will be able to offload his baggage (or, if that isn’t possible, at least get it down to a small carry-on case).</p>

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<p>I suggest you look up Walter Freeman and the work he did to “help patients” (count your lucky stars your parents didn’t try what he suggested). You were diagnosed with schizophrenia and you wanted them to do nothing? You hate them now for causing you to miss 3 weeks of high school? Really? Come on you’re 21 now,it sounds to me like you’re obsessing about this mistake. Get over it! Or you could spin on how horrible they are and how they ruined your life and how you had nothing to do with it and how now because of them you haven’t gone to college. You’re right, you have OCD.</p>

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<p>They could have taken a second opinion.</p>

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<p>^ and why didn’t they? And if they did they might have found out I just had OCD. And if they did I wouldn’t have missed three weeks of high school, and I would have gone to college, spin spin spin! I’m not defending the parents (I have no idea the circumstances of the OP’s problems) but after 3 years it’s time to move on. If the situation is more complex than this, OP shouldn’t be posting on CC.</p>

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<p>Stop blaming them. Based on your other posts, it appears that a college requested you to leave because of the same diagnosis.</p>

<p>Look towards the future and stop trying to place blame onto others.</p>

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<p>Good point.</p>

<p>The only problem is that the college (Case Western) arrived at the ‘same diagnosis’ after a telephone conversation with my parents.</p>

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<p>Who really knows what actually transpired- the details, the motives, the order of things, who knew what, how others see it. You can keep adding details to make it make sense to us but why bother? What matters most is you feel this is how it was, and it is continuing to hurt you. </p>

<p>I think for your own well being- not the well being of your parents or your uncle- but YOUR well being- you should seek professional help to come to terms with it. Regardless of what transpired, the real motives, the mistakes, the injustices, you need to get passed it so it’s not still eating you another 3 years or 13 years or 30 years from now. That just continues the tragedy and does nothing to help you live a peaceful and successful life. And you will have to do so without their help or apology. </p>

<p>You are Indian. You are applying to U of Rochester without financial aid. I have to assume you are able to go abroad to study now because of your parents. Maybe this will help you get over it.</p>

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<p>Again, stop putting the blame on your parents. </p>

<p>A college does not diagnose on the telephone. Obviously, you were exhibiting signs of a mental illness at the college to such a degree that the college had to step in.</p>