<p>Citygirlsmom, the only reason that there is a cluster of bad signs reported together is that is how the OP reported it to us. She didn't volunteer any of the details associated with "good" or "neutral" behaviors. </p>
<p>I could easily think of 10 things that drive me nuts about each of my kids - starting with the way they pile dirty dishes in the sink and expect me to do them -- and list them and you'd have the impression that they were rude, insensitive people. But my kids are actually talented and caring young people who are not perfect. My daughter roomed this summer with students who piled all their dirty dishes in the sink and wouldn't clean them for days on end, so my d. griped to me about how she always had to do the dishes... and yes, I do think the roommates were inconsiderate slobs. If only my d. would do the dishes more often at home I might have had more sympathy for her plight.</p>
<p>It's pretty easy to surmise, given the tenor of these posts, that whatever was NOT complained about was not a problem -- for example, the roommate didn't steal, didn't bring alcohol into the room, didn't play music loudly late at night, etc. </p>
<p>I also am disinclined to dump on the OP -- as I said, I understand the desire to vent online and I am sure she is truthfully relaying her perceptions and fears -- my problem is with the very catty response of a group of posters who have leapt on the bandwagon to dump on the roommate and the roommate's mom. I'm sure if a person is looking to find fault with everything another person does, they will find plenty to complain about. </p>
<p>And before we all rely too much on intuition -- keep in mind that intuition is also fueled by all sorts of subtle biases. I agree with Blossom's comment, "sometimes "intuition" is a defense mechanism we employ around people who are different" -- and I would not be at all surprised if it turned out that there was also an ethnic, racial or cultural difference between these two girls and their families -- even regional differences can lead to very different expectations about behavior and communications.</p>
<p>
[quote]
and I would not be at all surprised if it turned out that there was also an ethnic, racial or cultural difference between these two girls and their families
[/quote]
Holy cow-- another set of assumptions to spring off of. There is no evidence of this ANYWHERE in any of the posts. Where is the data for this assumption? Let's not send this thread into another battle about racism and ethnic minorities.</p>
<p>Okay, this may be an extreme, but if the boyfriend is 16 and the roommate is 19 . . . if I were in this stituation, the next time they locked me out of the room I'd call in UPD for statutory rape charges. Roommate problem would be over real fast. (I might actually warn her first before following through.)</p>
<p>I agree - this thread has gotten wayyyyyyyy over the top - and not constructive at all - so off and running I will go..................... BYEEEE</p>
<p>OK, here's something constructive. I googled "how to handle inconsiderate college roommate" and found some good suggestions. </p>
<p>First thing - and it sounds like it would be helpful here - an ounce of prevention. Sit down sometime during the first few days for a discussion with the roommate. D could say that she thought it would be a good idea to get an idea of one another's preferences, schedules, talk about expectations each has of the other as roommates etc. For example, she could start out by asking what time the rm likes to go to sleep/wake up, when she generally likes to study etc. This can naturally morph into a conversation about what you will always be happy to share - are CDs OK, how about food? , general guidelines about asking one another before borrowing or taking anything , how you each feel about overnight guests, how loud the TV or music should be at certain times of the day. </p>
<p>This should all definitely be done in a friendly and positive tone. Since the roommate didn't attend many of the required meetings the OPs D can even say that this was something that was suggested during one of the meetings(it probably was). Remind her that she is going to need to compromise, too - it's not just her room and she will not always get to have things her own way - she may be used to having a room to herself, but this is a shared space now. On the other hand, she should expect that the rm will be respectful of her and her things. </p>
<p>If the rm does cross a line, she should bring it up when it happens- again, in a direct but friendly and respectful way (would you mind asking me ahead of time if you are planning to borrow something?) No post-its or angry notes left on the bed or taped to the fridge (this broke up two good friends/college roommates that I know) , but directly and calmly and in a positive way -and even with a smile on her face the first time or two it happens. </p>
<p>Address an issue sooner rather than later - don't wait until several things have happened and you have built up hostility. I'd remind her to consider the rm's point of view - maybe the rm doesn't realize that she is being inconsiderate, maybe she is used to another lifestyle, maybe she has an issue - give her a chance and try to be understanding.</p>
<p>If getting nowhere and roommate is consistently inconsiderate get help from an RA or college roommate counseling service. If you've already gone through those channels, it could make it easier to get a room change in the event that you need to consider one as a last resort.</p>
<p>Well late to this one, but just got back into town and to my beloved laptop...lol! </p>
<p>My d has done roomie h*ll, so my advice is to deal with any issues now, not later. A bad gut instinct shouldn't be ignored...and roshke's 'prevention' advice is spot on. My d's situation became so unbearable, her grades were adversely affected by the stress and her inability to 'live' in her own room. When she called me during finals week, on the verge of tears, as she was walking from dorm to dorm checking out available empty rooms, I just about lost it. I was so angry at the nutjob roommate, housing and the school in general for sticking my kid with this person. My d worked it out beautifully on her own, but finding ultimate resolution to a bad situation during finals week is not what you want to do. Fix what needs to be fixed now.</p>
<p>And I have to say....the conjecture I've seen in some of these responses to the OP has set new CC records. Sheesh.</p>
<p>(Btw....the mom 'attempting' to call the OP's daughter's cell phone bugs me too. What is up with that? Just a little too familiar for day two imho.)</p>
<p>If that’s the worst the OP’s daughter has to deal with as far as a roomie, the OP should thank her lucky stars. The flags don’t seem to be turning red yet, just staying yellow.
It all seems pretty normal stuff for me. Just two different people with different habits trying to live together.
If your still around OP, how did things end up turning out?</p>
<p>pgpc125 - I just saw this post for the first time. I do not understand how everyone attacked you! Your daughter clearly pulled the short straw in the roommate lottery. A 19 year old with a 16 year old boyfriend, who didn’t communicate over the summer, didn’t bring what she said she would, an entire family that blew off “REQUIRED” orientation events, then rm spent all day on the phone and mom thought it was funny, and rm mom calling to get D’s cell phone number? Clearly something about rm is NOT right! The toddler room decor just fits with the rest of the picture of a kid who has been spoiled or whose parents have not realized that she is growing up. Or maybe she’s refusing to grow up, who knows? </p>
<p>I tend to agree that rm will not be in college for long.</p>
<p>If it were my d, I would hate that her college experience would start off with her having to deal with a kid who obviously has no sense of boundaries, and parents who seem determined to keep her infantilized. </p>
<p>But it sounds like your d was handling it well. Setting clear boundaries. If she did go to the RA, just to ask for advice on how to deal with rm, that would have been fine - that’s what RA’s are for.</p>
<p>I have no idea how or why other posters decided to attack you or your d’s spending choices for college - that was clearly irrelevant to the original post. Were they just bored that day and looking for someone to harass? It was way over the top, totally uncalled for, and I would have reported them to the CC moderator.</p>
<p>Lafalum-
Unfortunately, I suspect we will never know. I believe the OP was successfully run off CC by the unnecessary attacks. It is a shame. I agree.</p>