Younger Brother About to Flunk Out of School

Parents Forum
1

<p>This is a word-for-word repost of a thread I made in the high school forum. I wanted to get a parent's opinion on this. Thank you.</p>

<p>This isn't the typical CC thread but my family is in a rut. My younger brother only a sophomore and he is already short HALF of his units. He has to go to summer school and night school for the next two summers IF he doesn't fail any more classes this semester or next year. It already seems like he's going to fail two more classes this semester, putting him even further behind. At this point, it is very possible that he is going to flunk out of high school. I'm very concerned. I went to this high school as well as my older brother and we know how kids that fall behind in this district seem to never bounce back. I had 3 friends that didn't graduate. The API score for the school is in the 500 range. It's just a terribly small school with no funding which means no support for kids that get a rough start. My brother may have ADHD but refuses to go on medication (the doctor provided samples of Strattera) and his test scores from the school indicate that he is below average but not low enough to receive any special attention/help during school. He's in no man's land. We also cannot place him in our district's continuation school because it's overcrowded (that should speak for the quality of the school). So our options are to pull him out of school and have him get his GED, put him in another school, or stick it out with summer school and night school and the regular school year even though he still may not graduate.</p>

<p>My question is. . . would it be even more devastating to remove my brother from this subpar school, and place him in another, more rigorous one where he could receive special attention (we have one in mind, Acalanes)?</p>

<p>I'm sure some are wondering why a sibling is posting this when I shouldn't have to worry about it. For that, all I can say is that my parents are dealing with so much stress on their own that they have no idea what to do about my brother's situation. One parent has given up or throws tantrums and attributes the poor grades to my family's bad luck and that he's just a screwed up kid. The other parent is dealing with 100x more stress than the average high school parent (I'm just assuming, no flames please). My older brother, well, he's severely disabled and can't worry. That leaves me (and my mother technically) and we are together trying to work this out, reviewing our options and attempting to find solutions. To be honest, this is tough work and I really don't want to be a parent now, ha ha.</p>

<p>If there is anyone that can relate: parents, counselors, learning specialists, or fellow students; please feel free to respond.</p>

<p>By the way, you students on CC are extremely academic and hard working. Kudos.</p>

2

<p>More to the story::::::</p>

<p>Thank you for the compliments, but I am actually his sister. Sorry, I didn't mention that. And yes, we are in the Bay Area. I'm in a district that only has one elementary, middle, and high school. Since the school is so small and the continuation high school is overcrowded, they have taken the option of adding another year high school off the table. I've never seen them give a failing student an extra year when I was there. Those three friends I had that didn't graduate were just kicked out of school when they turned 18.</p>

<p>We've asked him what he wants to do and he says "I don't know." or "whatever." So we figure that if he isn't going to tell us now, we'll just have to find solutions without his help and we'll ask him later when we find one that works. Or he'll finally open up and tell us when he's ready.</p>

<p>Private testing of ADD/ADHD is really expensive the last time my mother checked into it. My brother's doctor is almost positive that he has ADHD, that's why he provided that Strattera (sp?). But he won't even try the samples, he is morally against medication. Or so he says.</p>

<p>My mom looked into Acalanes transfer policy and the results are disappointing, but not surprising. The student has to have a 3.00 GPA in order to be considered for admission. I guess that's why their student's stats are so high (plus generous school funding). So if we're going to get him in another school, it will have to be another one that isn't as stellar.</p>

<p>There are a few factors as to why he isn't doing well. The first reason would be from the trauma inflicted from my older brother's accident 7 years ago. It would have been easier for him to "move on" or "get a grip" had my parents been around after the accident. It essentially altered everyone's lives. I did badly too but I improved. My grades are climbing but my brother's have been stagnant since he was nine years old (he is now 16). I know that my parent's should have done something sooner and my mother deeply regrets not reaching out long ago. My older brother lives at home with us, so that in itself serves as a constant reminder of what happened. Even though my parents regret the way they handled my younger brother and I after the accident, but my mom is doing everything she can to help him now.</p>

<p>The second factor is that since he was neglected, he didn't get sufficiently rewarded or punished due to his grades. An F got him a verbal lashing and a guilt trip ("why are you doing this to us?") but none of his electronics were taken from his room. When he was grounded, he could still talk on the phone or be with his friends because my parents were too tired and stressed to deal with him. His rewards for good test scores (the few that he's ever showed us) were equal to a half-hearted "oh, that's great honey" with no eye contact or smile. So I can see why he could stop caring. He just doesn't care but won't admit to us that he doesn't care. He claims to care but refuses to do simple things like meet with teachers to discuss his grades/missing assignments. The school uses SchoolLoop to track student's assignments and he has 34 missing Bio assignments. That doesn't scream out "I care about my grades."</p>

<p>I really don't mean to make excuses for him (or for my family). He's lazy, I know that. But I feel that some of it is a cry for attention. With most of my family's attention devoted to my older brother, the baby of the family just can't seem to get anyone's attention unless he does poorly.</p>

<p>I do believe that he does have some type of mental or biological (ADHD) problem. I think he's where he's at now because he never got tested and treated, compounded with my brother's accident and the resulting neglect, tension in the house, has all come together to form a moody, lying, apathetic teenager.</p>

<p>I guess from all this, one can assume that he will do what he wants no matter what we do. Maybe he will have to get his GED but we still want to find a solution that doesn't require him dropping out of high school.</p>

<p>Well after this long post, I'll re-post the thread and this reply in the parent's forum. Thank you for the suggestion, I didn't know it existed.</p>

3

<p>"We've asked him what he wants to do and he says "I don't know." or "whatever." So we figure that if he isn't going to tell us now, we'll just have to find solutions without his help and we'll ask him later when we find one that works. Or he'll finally open up and tell us when he's ready."</p>

<p>zep - Your concern is laudable, as is your desire to help. But I don't know a way to help someone who is disinterested in being helped. The best I can suggest is to have confidence that your family will emerge from it's current crisis, and that your brother will find direction in his life. God Bless.</p>

4

<p>Would your brother be interested or willing to take community college classes? Would the school work with you at all to let him reduce his high school course load but take community classes via concurrent enrollment (which I think is free of charge)? I know that a lot of homeschoolers in CC county have their kids enrolled as young teens at DVC, so I think your brother would find DVC to be a friendly environment - I don't know about the other area colleges. I am thinking that he could take a lighter load than in high school -- something that is manageable for him -- and he might be relieved not to have to deal with a lot of the social & discipline issues at a high school. </p>

<p>It sounds like he has fallen so far behind in high school and there is so little support that he's unlikely to catch up there -- but he could be taking community college classes at whatever pace is comfortable. Try to get in touch with local homeschoolers --- you may find a supportive network. There would not be a deadline for your brother -- that is, rather than worrying about his high school diploma or even his GED right now, he could sign up for a couple of courses that interest him and see how things go. </p>

<p>It might not solve the problem, but I see that as offering at least the possibility of things working out, and if nothing else the community college also offers vocational-type courses as well. So if after a semester or two it seems that your brother just isn't the academic type, he could enroll in courses that will help qualify him for skilled employment when he is 18. </p>

<p>If your brother is ADHD, he may do much, much better in an environment where he only has to take classes that he enjoys or is interested in. And rather than confronting a situation that seems hopeless, the community college environment would offer a new beginning with a lot of different possibilities for the future.</p>

5

<p>I can't understand why he is "morally opposed" to taking medicines prescribed by a doctor. I wonder if he'd give it a trial of a month or two, just to see if he can concentrate better and feel more together. </p>

<p>Your family sounds absolutely exhausted and depleted from all of these ordeals. I really feel that you all have a lot on your plates. </p>

<p>I'm a bit concerned that nothing will improve academically without the medication to help him concentrate. That's the only choice your brother can control right now. That your parents left the choice in his hands only tells me how exhausted they must be from the other brother; or they, too, aren't well informed about why the doctor recommends it. </p>

<p>Would your family listen to research that you do on the possible positive effects of the medicine? Can you convince the parents first, and urge them to lovingly convince him to try this out for awhile? Morally opposed? Based on...what? </p>

<p>Have you seen the CC forum on ADhD/Learning Disabilities? There might be some wisdom there, easily read. Plus, of course, more careful internet research on the brain chemistry issues surrounding ADHD and its medications.
Perhaps if you could educate your parents and ask them to take a leadership role to support and encourage him through a trial of medications. </p>

<p>I will tell you that it is very hard to be between 2 brothers who aren't doing so well. So remember to take care of yourself, too. Smart to reach out as you are doing.</p>

<p>Is there anyone at school, from nurse to guidance counselor, whom you might ask for guidance? Do you share guidance counselors with your brother? </p>

<p>I do feel for your family, a lot, and encourage you meanwhile to stay strong, continuing to do your own best.</p>

<p>EDIT: Plus, I also like Calmom's idea of a new track through a community college, with courses he likes, perhaps with more vocational focus. She might disagree with me, but I'm seeing our posts as being possible together.</p>

6

<p>you have not mentioned counseling and, if he was willing to give it a go, it could help. If not-- if you think he could pass the GED-why not try? Then hopefully he might try some community college classes. Sadly, you cannot save him. But by continuing to talk "at" him and show him that you and your mother are invested he just might open up.</p>

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<p>Maybe you could ask him if his brother would really want him to be the way he is (flunking school). You could tell him that his older brother doesn't have the opportunities he does (I'm assuming this...because you said that his older brother is disabled), and therefore, he should make full use of all the opportunities he is lucky enough to have. </p>

<p>I think your best bet is to reason with him, in a calm and quiet manner. Probably easier said then done, but I hope you find a way to help him. You seem like a very caring sibling.</p>

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<p>Hi! I'm a bay area person, too. Are there any charter high schools over there? How about a Middle College program. (It's like high school, but you take the classes at the local community college. Here, it's offered at Canada College, but my impression is that the program is available all over the state.) </p>

<p>By the way, look into the California High School Proficiency Exam. It's different than the GED (and the Exit exam thing) and offers a way for students 16 and older to test out of high school. California</a> High School Proficiency Examination (CHSPE) . There's still time for emergency registration. It's actually a shorter test than the GED. It has to be accepted in place of a high school diploma at all colleges in the state of California. If you're interested, you need to hurry and register -- the test is in June, and the last day for emergency registration is June 17th. </p>

<p>But other than that, practically speaking, my children are far better at motivating each other than I am. My son is the "achiever" and has helped his younger sister move past the terrible problems she had when she was younger (before she came to live with us) and be more focused and interested in school.</p>

9

<p>I'm not an expert, but if ADHD is suspected, I believe it is the school district's responsibility to have the student evaluated, and to set up an IEP for that student if the ADHD is confirmed. However, schools HATE IEPs, as they are very expensive, and try mightily to avoid them. Your parents and your brother's doctor will have to shout and scream and stomp their feet to get the school to do anything, even though it is their right under the law. Here is some info on IEPs: Individualized</a> Education Program - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia</p>

<p>It sounds to me like what your brother needs most is counseling to deal with his depression. Our school contracts with the local Jewish Family Services office to provide on-campus counseling to students who need it - kids are pulled out of class for an hour each week to meet with a counselor. Don't know if your school has anything like that, but there are probably social services agencies in your area which provide counseling on a sliding scale based on income, or your parents' health insurance might cover most of the cost of a therapist.</p>

<p>The CHSPE is certainly an option - my daughter took it last year, and tested out of high school as a junior. But unless your brother's underlying problems are addressed, nothing will change even if he passes the test. What will he do with all the free time that he will have when he's no longer in school? Going to community college is only an option for those 16-year-olds who are mature enough to deal with it, and it doesn't sound like your brother is one.</p>

<p>Ultimately, your brother is going to be alright. You can talk to him until you're blue in the face, but nothing will change until the lightbulb goes off and he realizes "Hey, I'm responsible for my own life." It will certainly help if he is made accountable for his failures (by repeating classes) and gets professional help (from the school district and a trained therapist). But in the end, it's up to him. </p>

<p>I'm also concerned about you - you've had a lot to deal with in your young life. It might be helpful for you to see a therapist, too, to talk about the trauma of your older brother's accident and your concerns about your younger brother and your parents. The therapist might also help you determine how you can best help your brother.</p>

<p>Good luck! - and please believe, your brother is going to be alright. Not everyone matures at the same rate, and not everyone takes the straight-and-narrow path to adulthood. You'd be amazed if you talked to some of the adults you know about their own stumbles along the way.</p>

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<p>I agree which checking into the CHSPE and into community college. Both great options if your brother can pass the CHSPE.</p>

<p>Here is another idea that's a bit more drastic....military boarding school. Google "military school" and you'll get lots of stuff. Military schools are very structured which can be a great help to kids with ADHD. I know a boy who was doing poorly in school and his parents sent him to one for a year or two. After that he went to a cc then transferred to a local 4 year college....and graduated! I would never have predicted that this kid would graduate from college.</p>

<p>If after researching this option, you think it's a possibility for your brother, then share with your mom what you've learned and see what she thinks. After that, you can work on your brother. I can't imagine that many kids want to go to military school, but there must be ways that parents use to convince kids to go.</p>

<p>Another 18 y/o boy we know (yes, I still think he's a boy) has severe ADHD and other emotional issues. He was adopted at birth by our friends, and we think it's possible the birth mom used drugs or something. He ended up dropping out of school and committed some robberies with some other boys. </p>

<p>Now he is in the county jail awaiting trial, and my S has been going to visit him each week. S says that interestingly, the boy seems happier and more "together" in jail than he was before. Even though he hates being in jail, he clearly functions better with lots of structure. </p>

<p>I don't know what happens when he gets out, but I share that to say that the structure of a military school could be a very positive thing for your brother.</p>

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<p>I was going to say boarding school might be a possiblity, but as far as I know, it is pretty expensive. Has he considered the military? That might be another possiblity once he is 17, if he can pass the GED or something like that. They have a fair number of exceptions now-a-days - you don't need a HS diploma any more.</p>

<p>On the other hand, I know a boy who sounds like like your brother. He had poor grades and adhd (although he was willing to take his adhd meds!) He didn't graduate HS and worked a number of fairly low level jobs over the years; he got his GED when he was 21 or 22; he has advanced in his most current job; at 26, now, he is doing just fine. He wasn't a stellar student in high school, and he just wasn't motivated when he was young. But he's fine now. </p>

<p>Is there anything he really loves to do, that you all could build on?</p>

<p>This may just take patience.</p>

12

<p>Your family's health insurance should cover testing for ADD. (Other educational testing isn't usually covered, but that is.)
I agree with pamavision that the school district needs to step up and do an evaluation at this point. In the Bay Area, Parents Helping Parents is a great organization that provides free advice on this issue. Their website includes a useful handout with outlines of the letter your parent sends to the district requesting an evaluation (free).
You are doing the right thing to get involved...I have a sibling that my parents couldn't/wouldn't help and I felt that I had to do something. Years later, she thanks me for it.</p>

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<p>I have a good friend who taught at our continuation school for years. She now teaches at a school which offers an independent study program. It is a one on one session once a week where a teacher lays out work for you. You can work on one subject at a time until you finish and get credit for that subject. Is anything remotely like that available in your area? </p>

<p>It works very well for students who have academic or social challenges in a traditional high school setting.</p>

14

<p>Last night we discussed the GED option but I didn't know about the CHSPE. The CHSPE sounds like a great option. I think my mother will need to sit on it for a while though. I know the deadline is approaching but I think she wants to see how he does this summer in night school. The night school system is vastly different than our high school and I think she wants to see how he does in that kinds of environment before taking him out. At least that's what she told me last night. </p>

<p>On the Parents Helping Parents website I found an organization called Student Organization Services (SOS) which seems like it could help us. My mom is going to call them on Monday. </p>

<p>I do fear that my brother is too immature to take the GED and the CHSPE seriously right now. Maybe over the summer, after he has to bust his butt, he'll "see the light." I just find the level of his immaturity amazing. He has been blaming his teachers for his poor grades for years. Just last night he blamed his English teacher for his 'F' because she isn't accepting late assignments anymore (in preparation for finals). He lacks a sense of responsibility both at school and at home. He refuses to do his chores or help around the house at all. It usually takes a couples of weeks of nagging before he cleans his room mows the lawn. We're hoping that with his packed summer schedule, he'll learn to be a little more self-reliant, especially since in night school all of the work is in-class. </p>

<p>It's also worthy to note that all of his friends are on the honor roll and take AP classes. But I guess you can't rely on the "lead by example" doctrine. He's also too proud (or he just doesn't care) to ask his friends to help tutor him. I offered to help tutor him in World History (it was my favorite subject in high school and I'm still friends with the teacher) but he refused my help and yelled at me. He's consecutively received a grade of 'D-' for the whole year in that class so I just cannot understand why he refused my help. He flunked the two tests that I made clear that I wanted to help him on because I received a 100% on both tests (and I still had the tests, he never changes them). I wasn't going to cheat for him, I just wanted to use them as study guides (without him knowing) for me to use when I tutored them. But he threw a tantrum and wouldn't let me help him. Does that sound like deliberate sabotage?</p>

<p>I do not know exactly why he says that he is "morally opposed" to taking medication that could help him. He claims that he "knows someone" who took them (he doesn't know what drug) and know the kid is a "zombie." I highly doubt he is telling the truth. I think he may not want to admit that he has a problem. When the school tested him for an LD (as well as ADD/ADHD claims the school) he threw a fit. He didn't want to. He said it was stupid and pulled out the 'r' word. (ends in 'tard'). </p>

<p>The school's new learning specialist/guidance counselor did test him but the results came back quite confusing. He said that my brother could have some type of 'impairment' but it isn't severe enough to warrant special attention from the school. After we get him tested independently, we'll see about setting up an IEP. (For wherever my brother is by that time).</p>

<p>I think structure could help him (as well as medication). He is very undisciplined and has never had any structure before. That's why we looked into transfering him to a more rigorous school such as Acalanes. I know that there are different types of Boarding schools and my parents have been discussing that option for a few years but a lot of them are quite expensive and it may be out of the cards. We are now looking into other school districts that have bigger continuation schools since ours is full. </p>

<p>Sending my brother to a therapist or a counselor could be beneficial. He doesn't necessarily want to see one, but I think that after a while, he would open up to it. It took me a year of weekly therapy before I started to appreciate it. The fact the my brother isn't being given the same opportunity that I have kind of angers me. When I mention this to my mother she gets very defensive about it. I know she doesn't want to deal with scheduling appointments because her own schedule is so pack but I don't think that's much of an excuse since I'm willing to help take him if need be. I don't really know the full story there but I'm going to keep pushing it until she gives me a reason as to why it's not an option for him but it was a "must have" for me.</p>

<p>I know that if my older brother could talk, he'd try talking to him too. Even though my older brother had a clear goal for his future, I think he would still try to talk to him as we have and not look down on him like my dad has. My older brother lived his life in the polar opposite of my younger brother in that was motivated to do well in school, to get his first job at 16, to help around the house, he wanted to take classes and eventually become a fire fighter, and he was going to start his own DJ business (or what ever you want to call it, mixing????) I'm sure my younger brother is aware that they are opposite and feels intimidated by that. Or maybe I'm reading into it too much. Well, for that a therapist may be helpful!</p>

<p>I don't want to give the impression that we are always comparing the two brothers in their presence. We don't. But my mom does make comments about my younger brother's lack of household responsibility in comparison to my older brother's household responsibilities at the tender at of 13. (O.B. was doing his own laundry). But saying that in the way she does is probably wrong and he doesn't like it one bit.</p>

<p>Thanks to all of your helpful suggestions definitely have more options than we once thought. There are so many things to consider here and were trying very hard to carefully weigh all of the pros and cons. We haven't planned a time when we are going to talk it over with my brother but we will do it when we have narrowed down our options a little more but still leaving a few for him to discuss with us. I don't want these conversations to be totally disclosed from him since he's very touchy about people talking about him behind his back, haha. </p>

<p>We'll be in a period of discussion for a while so I'll keep you updated. Thank you all for the great suggestions. My mom and I are so thankful.</p>

15

<p>You sound like one very fine brother.</p>

<p>Could someone lead or conduct the family meeting -- a therapist, pastor, or wise family member who can keep things calm, objective, make sure everyone's concerns are heard...</p>

<p>Keep us posted.</p>

16

<p>Zep:</p>

<p>Besides the real possibility of ADHD, there's also the possibility that your younger brother is scared of what happened to your and his older brother.

[quote]
My older brother lived his life in the polar opposite of my younger brother in that was motivated to do well in school, to get his first job at 16, to help around the house, he wanted to take classes and eventually become a fire fighter, and he was going to start his own DJ business (or what ever you want to call it, mixing????)

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Your older brother did everything right but could not escape being the victim of an accident. Your younger brother may be wondering whether it's worth even trying. Coupled with the quite understandable focus on your older brother, your younger one feels both neglected and scare. That's my two-bit pop-psychology. </p>

<p>Another thing is that he may prefer to be helped by someone he does not know and against whom he is not measuring himself: his sister, his chums. He would benefit perhaps from being tutored by a teacher or a stranger, a college student perhaps? But not someone to whom he has to disclose how inadequate he feels (and his chums taking AP courses must be difficult for him). Sometimes, people quit for fear of trying and failing, and of course, they fail.
If he could talk to someone not in the immediate family, or a priest or pastor or a therapist, it could probably help and provide a way forward. Good luck!</p>

17

<p>Sorry to revive old threads but I just came back from my younger brother’s graduation and remembered this thread. I thought I’d update you all here at CC and let you know that he did graduate high school (albeit, by the skin of his teeth)! I passed on all of the wonderful advice that the parents here gave me but of course, my mother just couldn’t deal with the stress of doing something different for my brother (like seeking help for him). He ended up having to do a ton of extra credit in all his classes to graduate, going to summer school for all 3 years, going to adult school for a couple of summers, and finally, taking a class this past spring semester at our local JC to make up the remain 5 credit deficit. </p>

<p>On one hand, I feel good that he graduated and it’s all past our family. But on the other, I cannot help but feel a little fear for his future self-reliance considering the fact that his (very outstanding and independent) girlfriend, my mother, and I had to hold his hand to get him across that stage by driving him to all these different schools. Do the ends really justify the means? I’m not sure. </p>

<p>Without his girlfriend, I really doubt my brother would have had what little motivation he does have. My mother certainly wouldn’t have been able to deal with him, considering her plate is already full with taking care of my older brother and making sure his needs are met. We’re very thankful that she walked into our lives. Hopefully my brother can get a freaking job now get a new clutch for the one he burnt out on his car (that he only had for less than a week)! </p>

<p>Anyway, I just wanted to update all the parents that gave me such wonderful advice and to say thank you for relieving some stress off of me.</p>

18

<p>Thanks so much for updating us. Even though a lot of handholding and family monitoring was involved, I think it says a lot for your brother that he pulled together and came through. I mean, 3 years of summer school, with adult school and JC on top of high school take a tremendous amount of effort. It does sound like his girlfriend is wonderful and a godsend – since she came into your lives when you really needed extra family support, and she came into your brother’s life when he really need someone intensely focused on him who also clearly loved and respected him for who is is. I think you are over the worst hump, and I’m sure your brother will find a job. (The girlfriend will probably also help nudge him in that direction as well). </p>

<p>And congratulations to YOU as well. Obviously with your family’s situation, you took on some of the parental responsibilities for your younger sibling as well – so you deserve kudos as well.</p>

19

<p>Congrats to your brother. You deserve a lot of credit just for caring and being there even when the future for him is not certain.</p>