<p>My son is a freshman at a community college about 6 hours away from home. Summer term and First semester he did great. He has completely tanked the second semester. He has claimed responsibility, acknowledges he is in the wrong major and has found the one he wants to change in. He dropped one class and is receiving three incomplete in the others. The second semester did bring with it many obstacles in his personal life, room mate problems, illness and a few broken bones from a sporting accident. </p>
<p>He is intelligent and did well in a college prep high school. Very social, outgoing and no lack of friends and people around him. He did not hold a job this past year while away and took four classes per semester. Meaning he had class for two to four hours three times a week.</p>
<p>He is now on academic probation, has lost two scholarships and has to repay for the dropped class and possibly the incomplete classes (not sure yet).</p>
<p>I have told him to pack his things and come home for the summer. Get a job, regroup and take online summer classes or in class at the local community college. If he does well we will consider letting him go back.</p>
<p>I feel he is too immature to handle being unsupervised both personal and academically. I am hoping by being home and going to school (just one or two classes to make up this mess) he will see that he needs to stay in town for a year to grow up a bit more.</p>
<p>He is our only child. We did not force him to go to college nor the major he chose. We paid a good amount of money for him to go away. We saw him on average a few days per month. Either visiting him in his town or he coming home.</p>
<p>For those students on here and parents, would you prefer just to be cut off financially and find your own way through this life experience? </p>
<p>We are a close family but I feel the time has come to fish or cut bait. Not sure if I am being too hard. The type of hard that pushes a student over the edge or will it do what I hope which is to wake the bleep up!</p>
<p>I myself “tanked” my very first semester in college. It wasn’t that I was stupid, I was just really really immature. I couldn’t handle living on my own (sad to say), and I skipped class almost all the time. I stayed up late, woke up late, and COMPLETELY wasted my first semester. I moved back home and stopped dorming at school. Although I don’t rely on my mom to keep me on track (she’s very busy herself), not being in a dorm environment did a lot to keep me focused. I commute to school daily and have been fine since then.</p>
<p>Whether or not a similar change in environment would help, I don’t know. However I do think he’s in the wrong environment and isn’t being motivated to be productive. I realized quickly that dorming was a problem for me. Whether or not he is able to identify his problem and maturely work to resolve it is up to him.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t let him stay there - at least not on your dime. He needs to come home and prove himself before he is allowed to go away again - or if he doesn’t want to be home - then he can do it on his own. </p>
<p>I completely blew off my 2nd year in college - I was having waaay too much fun. Fortunately, I realized this and realized I was going to completely mess up my life if I continued on the road I was on, and I pulled myself out. I got a job, got it together, and went back to school later to finish my degree (and my employer paid). Definitely the best thing I ever did.</p>
<p>I think your plan is sound, but I would moderate the attitude behind it for everyone’s sake. He hasn’t committed a crime, and life is full of pitfalls. So he screwed up school. He’s owned up to it, and you still need to support him in an appropriate, matter-of-fact way. Coming home and taking some CC class to make up the lost classes is a good idea, but it’s not about being punitive, it’s about helping him move forward. It’s a chance to regroup, reconnect with his support system, and think about what he wants to do. I would not let him stay there, but I wouldn’t make a big deal about the failure and shame and money, either. Young men often seem impervious to setbacks but you shouldn’t pile on ; inside, there’s always some level of shame, regret and misery. Our family motto is along the lines of “in good times, you get all the credit, in bad times, we are in this together”</p>
<p>Your plan is very reasonable - though I’d have him come home, attend the local CC until he has the credits required to transfer. I wouldn’t dangle the prospect of returning to his current school.</p>
<p>Life as an adult is one long string of room mate problems, sports injuries and other distractions. Clearly he wasn’t up to the challenge and needs a bit of a re-set. </p>
<p>I agree with Greenbutton, you don’t have to couch it as a failure. Bring him home, hold him accountable for his performance. He’ll be fine.</p>
<p>Thank you and absolutely we will not load him up on negatives. I’ve already told him he is not a loser for this. He’s not alone. Come home. Relax. Reset and regroup. Etc. I want him safe healthy and happy. Sure he needs to take responsibility for his actions and make restitution. That has nothing to do with our love and support. That’s just part of owning up to it. I look forward to more replies. These have made us feel so much better. He’s reading them too. Thank you so much for taking time out of your day.</p>
<p>This will be nothing but a blip on his life radar screen if he handles the fall out correctly. “Correctly” is not just one way either. It is the way that works for your son. </p>
<p>Our second oldest son (now 28) went to a pricey instate private and it was the biggest waste of $28,000 to date for my husband and I. He finished the fall semester with a .92 GPA (how exactly he did that, is still beyond me 9 years later) and it continued to haunt him up until a few years ago. We pulled the plug immediately, and he came home, regrouped and joined the Air Force. He really enjoyed the 6 years he spent there and he matured and became a man. He left the Air Force, took advantage of the GI Bill and began applying to schools. That is where that .92 came back to bite him. He finally got a local CC to give him a chance where he spent 2 years earning 4.0s and doing his work. Last year he transferred to one of the State Universities, but many turned him down. That .92 will always be a part who he was, but even with 6 years in the military and 2 solid years showing he had matured, for some Universities it was not enough. He will graduate this fall and he is looking forward moving from student to employed person. He is already a new dad, has a beautiful wife and they have a pretty darn good life. (She makes real good money and he receives stipends from the GI Bill) So for now, school is his full time job and his life is back on track. Is this how we imagined it the day he graduated from High School?..of course not, but we are grateful he is on way now.</p>
<p>I agree with the sentiment, but not the tone. </p>
<p>He’s an adult. He’s responsible for the consequence. You really no longer have a right to tell him what to do. Yet there is still parenting to be done. </p>
<p>I think it’s fair to say in a matter of fact way, non-emotional way, non-judgmental that you and your husband love him very much but that you are simply uncomfortable investing any more of your scarce resources for his out-of-town college experience until you’re convinced that its going to have a positive return. Tell him that you are not sure what it’s going to take to convince you, but that right now, you simply can’t invest any more at this time. If some time in the future, we feel that you have put your life together, then we may change our mind. If you can raise the money to pay for the course you dropped so that your CC will release your transcript, and you want to attend a CC locally, we can probably swing that. If not, we’ll give you the space to figure out who you want to be. </p>
<p>Whether he comes home or not, whether he gets a job or not, whether he takes classes or not, whatever, that’s up to him. It’s his life. He’s an adult. I wouldn’t try to control or manipulate him. I’d continue to offer him whatever you would offer a guest: a bed, meals and free use of the TV and internet. I would be pleasant but firm. </p>
<p>I wouldn’t give him an allowance, wouldn’t put him on the car insurance, wouldn’t tell him to fish or cut bait. I’d offer advice only if asked, but always end, that you’re an adult and we’ll respect any decision that you make.</p>
<p>^^^I respectfully disagree, although that’s certainly a strategy people may find effective. Personally, I think it’s a terrible message to send. For me, it sounds like mistakes are not allowed, life has to follow a linear and upward path with no detours, etc. S2 is still struggling mightily to finish his degree but is making progress and has a steady job. Conditions like those would have ended his college progress permanently. (to OP’s son: hang in there! All is not lost. But next time, go to class! )</p>
<p>I wasn’t sure if you were referring to my post or the OPs. </p>
<p>I agree that we need to support our kids through mistakes, but I also think that if money is tight, and it really doesn’t seem like a sound investment to just keep paying, then it’s really imprudent to just throw money away. It’s not a punishment, it’s just basic prudence. A mature kid will understand that, an immature one won’t, but it really doesn’t matter. The kid’s on the hook for paying for the dropped classes and the scholarships were the kid’s responsibility too. As a parent, I might eat that cost, but I certainly wouldn’t rush to ante up again without some confidence that it won’t just be thrown away again.</p>
<p>His gpa is salvageable with redoing the incomplete. He understands completely the money issue.
The consequences issue and restitution for him will be the hard part. None of which is a punishment I feel it’s ones responsibility to make amends. Regardless of his future college plans. My fish or cut bait was more for me I guess. As in I need to stop feeding him rope and cash to continue his current path.
We’ve spoke several times today. He’s on his way and is looking forward to being home.
To be honest when he was growing up a neighbors son had trouble adjusting in school. He begged to come home and they used a different approach by pushing him to stick it out. A month later he came home on break had a great night and killed himself that evening. Although I have no fear of this with my son this event will always haunt me. You think you know their breaking point but you really don’t.
We have a close relationship. I value him and he us. Sometimes you lose sight of things.
Thank you again please keep posting. I’ve gotten some great talking points from you all. All of which can help him. There is always a light. This is not the end of the world. It’s a bump in the road. </p>
<p>Back in the early 80’s when I was a freshman I tanked first semester… living in a dorm at 17 with no one to tell me to go to class. Not good. I ended up coming home for my sophomore year and commuting. The summer after sophomore year I moved to a house with other students. By then I had learned my lesson. Sometimes kids just aren’t mature enough to make the right choices. The only real difference between your son and me is that I also had a job and paid for college through my job and student loans. </p>
<p>I think coming home is a good idea. Getting through college isn’t a race. It’s better to take your time and get it right.</p>
<p>A lot of us have dealt with situations like this. A pretty good percentage of 18-19 year-olds aren’t ready to live on their own, in a dorm or not. </p>
<p>Most of the kids I know are welcomed back home, though it can be tricky balancing the kid’s need for both autonomy and support/guidance, and also tricky for the parent to be supportive but not intrusive.</p>
<p>Things will work out. I have seen many blossom once they come home, whether they work for awhile or commute to school or do something else.</p>
<p>It’s great that you have a good relationship: I think that’s the most important thing right now. So don’t second guess yourself too much!</p>
<p>I absolutely think you’re doing the right thing bringing him home and giving him more time. Even though he’s an adult, many young people appreciate and respect their parents’ guidance well into young adulthood, especially when mom and dad hold the purse strings. Sound like you’ve got a good one! D1 washed out in grand style. I wish we would have, could have done what you’re doing.</p>
<p>College students are, for better or worse, still “kids”, not mature adults able to weather every storm and conquer every obstacle. It sounds like your son had a number of problems this semster, has taken responsibility for his academic problems, and likely should be able to continue and finish those incompletes. You know your son best. Did he do well in HS? Did he otherwise demonstrate good study skills? Do you think that with his contemplated change of major, he will do well going forward?</p>
<p>I went to a STEM-focussed commuter college for undergrad, and a great number of students dropped out or fell behind by a year or two. Less than half the students who began with me in my major ever graduated; they either dropped out altogether or changed majors to something more fitting. The school didn’t shame those kids who changed majors or fell behind the step-by-step academic calendar. The school accomodated these complications and many kids still graduated, eventually.</p>
<p>Demanding that your son “come home” because he’s had albeit a bad semester seems wrong. I agree that you don’t want him despondent, thinking that “life’s over” because of a series of problems that aren’t all within his own control. I’d give him the benefit of the doubt, and at least another semester. Best wishes.</p>