Requesting Advice! S Wanting to Come Home, Take Gap Year

Parent Cafe
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<p>I know that many of you have walked down this path before, so I'm looking forward to all of the good advice.</p>

<p>S called me last night to chat (something he never does!). He finally got around to telling me that he wants to come home at the end of the school year and not return to that college. He wants to go to the local community college, then figure out where he wants to go for junior and senior year.</p>

<p>Some background:
he is a freshman at a UC, 8 hours drive time from our house. Major is MEng. He struggled 1st Q and was put on academic probation (C- grades), then pulled out of it 2nd Q. 3rdQ he said he is doing fine, but having challenges with differential equations course. He went to that college without knowing anyone else from his HS that was attending, so he was pretty much going it alone.</p>

<p>His GF, who is still in HS here at home, just broke up with him last week. He now says that he wants to come home and go to comm college where he can be around his friends. He said that he doesn't feel he ever fit in to his school and didn't make many new friends. It is true that the school is somewhat of a commuter school and most students in the dorm go home on weekends. (something that I can never understand!) He is in engineering dorm and most guys there like video games, etc. He is not a sports guy, but he does like to get outdoors. He also does not get involved in parties, so he feels a bit adrift. We have talked to him about joining clubs, etc. He is not a 'joiner', very independent.</p>

<p>I don't want my S to be miserable, and I want him to be successful in life. However, my H and I are struggling with the decision because his friends from HS still here at home are somewhat drifting around. They go to local CC, but are just taking a few courses and aren't really heading in a direction. </p>

<p>So, do we let him come home for the summer and talk about it during that time, hoping he will decide to return in the fall? Do we just support his decision to come home, and start getting him enrolled in the local CC?</p>

<p>Thanks in advance! We don't know what to do, and are a but stunned right now.</p>

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<p>He maybe rethinking about his major on top of not fitting in at his school. I understand your worries about him wasting a year at home and start drifting like other kids. </p>

<p>I think it maybe a good idea for your son to come home, go to local CC (not part time, but full time), maybe getting a job. If he is able to do well at CC and bring up his GPA, he will have more options - transferring to a better fit school, maybe change his major. </p>

<p>From what your son is telling you, I think he has very valid reasons for not liking his current school.</p>

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<p>It sounds like his major is part of the problem too. Any chance his school offers a different major where he might not struggle with grades in courses? That is NOT fun for any student.</p>

<p>We have known several students (coincidentally all enrolled in engineering as freshmen) who did not return to college for their sophomore years. They were very unhappy, hated the major, and just wanted to return home. Here are the outcomes of our sample of three.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>One student took the year and worked. He applied to and was accepted to his state university (he had been at a very good private school far from home), enrolled and graduated. Attended grad school following undergrad and has an awesome job. He did complete his engineering degree…just needed to be closer to home.</p></li>
<li><p>Student two took the year to travel at his parents’ expenses. He is planning now to return to the same school, in the same major. Stay tuned. We are not optimistic about his outcome.</p></li>
<li><p>Student 3 enrolled at a college much closer to home and switched majors. He graduated and is currently in grad school. Switched out of engineering.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>My suggestion…help your son craft a plan. The plan of what he is going to do is important. He needs to figure out exactly why he wasn’t happy and doing well at his UC. Otherwise history could easily repeat itself no matter where he goes. Is there another four year university within commuting distance of your home? Are you instate CA…is there a Cal State perhaps, or a different UC? This might be a better choice.</p>

<p>Do UC’s allow for a leave of absence? If so, your son should request this rather than withdrawing. This leaves the door open for returning just in case he decides to do so.</p>

<p>I don’t think forcing him to return is the best plan unless he is on board with giving it another go around.</p>

<p>I would also urge him to talk to his academic advisor at the UC ASAP to see if some adjustments can be made in his courses…and maybe major.</p>

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<p>and most students in the dorm go home on weekends. (something that I can never understand!)</p>

<p>If this is a UC that doesn’t have things on the weekends to keep kids on campus (like sports to watch or performing arts, etc), then kids will go home on weekends if they live within a couple of hours. that often happens when most kids are instate and the school has no weekend drawing power.</p>

<p>We had the same situation: with the UC Blue and Gold, it was actually less expensive to go to a UC, and so ended up at UCR (and very happy)</p>

<p>Yes, many of the kids who choose UCR are within about 150 miles of the school.</p>

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<p>Yes, that’s probably what we would do. There’s nothing wrong with shifting course if you think it’s the wrong one, whether it’s the major, or the school. I would expect my kid to be enrolled full time and to have a plan, but it sounds like he does.<br>
I left my college after freshman year (too many years ago to count) and came home and enrolled in community college, and transferred to UCI as a junior- never lost any time. Not that losing a year is a big deal, actually, if the student has a plan. If your son is one who generally makes good decisions for himself, I don’t see why you wouldn’t trust him on this, too.</p>

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<p>Our son was pretty miserable for about half of his freshman year. I ordered 2 copies of the book What to Do When College Is Not the Best Time of Your Life, one for him and one for me: </p>

<p>[Amazon.com:</a> What to Do When College Is Not the Best Time of Your Life (9780231151757): David Leibow: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/What-When-College-Best-Time/dp/0231151756/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1337529622&sr=8-1-fkmr0]Amazon.com:”>http://www.amazon.com/What-When-College-Best-Time/dp/0231151756/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1337529622&sr=8-1-fkmr0)</p>

<p>I found the book helpful because not only did it provide strategies for dealing with different reasons for being unhappy, it had a very encouraging tone that this is NOT the end of the world and things WILL get better.</p>

<p>I like the advice about taking a leave of absence rather than withdrawing, going to the community college full time rather than part time, and exploring a change in major. Also, I don’t know how much more year is left, but it might help if he saw somebody in the counseling center.</p>

<p>Hugs to you, crizello! Watching them suffer is just the worst.</p>

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<p>I’d discuss the situation more with him first before wholeheartedly supporting the switch to the local CC (Notice that I phrased that in a way that doesn’t involve ‘letting him’ which implies controlling him). </p>

<p>There’s already a lot invested in his path so far so it shouldn’t be discarded lightly. There seems to be two possible factors - the major and the GF/loneliness.</p>

<p>For the major - it’s not unusual for people to not do well in the first quarter of engineering at a college with a rigorous program like a lot of UCs. This can be discouraging but it can also be enlightening. Some students will drudge their way through it and do progressively better and others will decide it’s not for them and switch to a different major.</p>

<p>On the college - he’s going to a college with thousands of other people with a lot in common with him - more than he’s likely to have again. If he hasn’t found any friends it’s because he’s not making enough of an effort to. He just needs to be more open and make more of an effort. It’s not going to happen if (for example) he goes straight from class to his room and holes up there. One issue with engineering in general - it requires a lot more work than a lot of other majors so it requires more ‘alone time’ to do the HW. However, he may also find some classmates to do some studying with. He can do a few other things as well including NOT being in an ‘engineering dorm’ next year since this year’s almost done. He’d be better off with a mix of people. I don’t think colleges should even have such a thing as an ‘engineering dorm’.</p>

<p>The reality of it is that if he comes back home it won’t be what he’s imagining. He’s likely imagining it the way it was his senior year of HS and in reality many of his friends/acquaintances have moved on to other colleges. Some might be attending the local CC but of these there are likely a number who aren’t being serious about it and that can be a real negative effect on your S. The other reality is that the GF is still broken up with him. Maybe he thinks he can fix that by being there but it won’t be the same regardless.</p>

<p>At the end of the day, if he insists on coming home and going to the CC, then that’s what should happen but I think you all need a serious and non-emotional review of the situation and he should make a real attempt to adjust with where he’s at at the UC and give it more of a try.

  • No engineering dorm for next year
  • No video games for him ideally (if he plays them himself)
  • If he’s decided he doesn’t want MechE (or it doesn’t want him) then he should consider switching to another major that he’ll enjoy.
  • He should pursue getting an on campus job. This will not only make him busy and more focused but he’ll meet more people and have a connection to the campus in a different way.
  • He needs to understand that people are everywhere and at the UC he’s surrounded by a lot of potential friends but he needs to make sure he’s not just available to be a friend, but also needs to make some efforts. This usually isn’t that hard - it’s just a matter of being open and friendly and sometimes saying something to people he doesn’t know whether it be someone on the exercise machine next to him, someone in a physics lab, someone walking down the hall in the dorm, or someone standing in line at the cafeteria.</p>

<p>He needs to give this investment in time and effort he’s already done very serious consideration before simply giving into his emotions and quitting and heading home. However, if he ends up going the CC route, then he needs to do that right and not play at it but rather, have a plan, and that plan will include, guess what? - it’ll include going to a 4 year college like the one he’s already at. So at the end of the day what’d he gain by going to the CC?</p>

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<p>^^^interesting, ggdad, but by changing locations from my out of state school and spending a year at a CC close to home, I was able to re asses my goals and find a better fit. I never thought of it as “quitting and heading home.” I thought of it as changing course and also, being closer to the people I cared about. And emotions are not things to be ignored, imo.
My parents really had no idea what I was going through, and had I not been supported in coming home, I think I would have felt even more adrift. Being female, maybe it was easier for parents to accept, as expectations for success and all that it entails were not so great.
Trust your son, crizello, unless he has given you reasons to think he doesn’t know himself or what is best for him. It sounds to me like he needs to touch home base in order to go forward productively. And you’ll be close by to help guide him.</p>

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<p>That your son called to chat - something he does rarely - really resonated for me. It made me think how miserable he must be to call you and ask for this change - and how hard it must be for you to hear! Yet, how good that he is open about it. I think it’s hard to talk about now in the midst of end of year business, but worthy of many discussions when he returns home. Some therapy may help as well - to help him sort out which are academic issues/emotional issues/social issues. Some time at home may also help him see that the “grass is not greener.”<br>
Perhaps even a semester’s leave for him to gather his thoughts, rethink his major w/o completely withdrawing could give him the time and space he and you need to make the right decision moving forward. Best to you.</p>

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<p>In addition to all other issues, you might want to consider having him attend a college which is on a semester system, not a quarter system, where the pace of academics might be a bit slower.</p>

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<p>^^Definitely agree about the semester vs. quarter system. I don’t think I could handle the quarter system in my day…</p>

<p>Agree with others that it sounds like your S’s plan needs a reboot…a re-thinking of major, college choice, how to succeed in college, etc. If he attends CC with the right attitude–of trying to figure out what his next step will be, not slacking off–I think this reboot could be very successful in putting him on his path.</p>

<p>Not everyone makes the right decisions about college and major during senior year of high school. I’m glad he was able to tell you of his problems and admire the open communication that your family seems to have.</p>

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<p>Yes, I would not interpret this as “quitting.” It sounds like he’s got an idea (go to CC for a year). I’m also not opposed to kids taking a breather, whether some time off, or a study abroad period, or a change of college. Kids tend to hustle right from K-12 into college these days. A break or change or transition often creates a situation where the student has time to assess what is important whether it be major or environment. </p>

<p>You and especially he doesn’t need to make a decision about returning in the fall today or even tomorrow. Let him come home, let him get the required ducks in a row for CC if he wants and he can let the current college know before the time assigned to withdraw from any colleges he has enrolled in from the current registration period. He should not come home without doing the due diligence as to what that date is to withdraw from the fall term.</p>

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<p>Sounds like a kid who has done some good soul searching and thinking. I notice his plan is to continue college courses while at home. This is not a gap year of abandoning school but a thought out plan to keep forward progress while figuring things out. He’ll probably discover things have changed in his friends and himself when he returns home. He forewarned you before coming home- it gives you time to digest the information before confronting each other. A transfer may be the best thing for him, and a major change. Let him decompress from the spring quarter for a week or so before looking forward to his future plans- everyone needs a vacation.</p>

<p>Don’t worry about him. He is showing maturity in recognizing problems and having plans for the future. I imagine he will have a reality check regarding his friends from HS. He needs love and support right now. Later you can discuss the future.</p>

<p>PS- always remember HE does the deciding, applying et al. Your role is to be a sounding board and offer advice which he is free to follow or not. Your role in financing his education doesn’t mean you do the choosing.</p>

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<p>You’ve had great advice from a number of people. I think the most important thing is having a plan. After a year of full-time study at a community college (which may be the perfect environment for him for now), he needs either to have a degree program planned out or get a full-time job with or without part-time classes.</p>

<p>I know plenty of people who switched colleges, took a year off, or came home and went to community college. Most of them figured things out and are doing fine now.</p>

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<p>

When I stated it that way it was a characterization, a state of mind, that might or might not apply in this case. There are definitely some students who ‘quit and head home’ while there are other students who have thought it out, reasoned it out well enough to fairly ‘know’ that the move is best for them. </p>

<p>I’m not saying whether to attend the CC is right or wrong - just that it needs to be really thought through, the true reasons for the switch to surface and be known even to the S, and if the decision is to switch then a reasonable plan formulated. </p>

<p>

Students can sometimes make emotional decisions that are transitory in nature so one should be careful not to act too quickly. One of the triggers in the OP’s post is the fact that he broke up with the GF a week ago so his emotions are likely running high right now so he may want to return to ‘the way it was’ to the ‘comfort place’ and likely this switch isn’t well thought out and a week or month from now he could have a completely different outlook.</p>

<p>For a plan - unless he’s firm on this, I suggest he register for next year at his current UC and make a decision in a couple of months as to whether he really wants to return or not since he may feel quite differently once he comes home and realizes it’s not all like it used to be.</p>

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<p>Gpimg to cc is fine and smash but here in California with budget cuts classes are not that easy to get and I am not sure about registration for fall or summer. I would see if he could take one class any class at the cc to test the waters, get into their system etc and not cancel the uc yet.</p>

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<p>Good point, SHR…with the budget in the news recently and the effect that has on all parts of the Cal higher education system, the path to CC may not be as available as we would like.</p>

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<p>To add a different angle…
I know a kid who went away to college while maintaining a long distance relationship with his HS girlfriend. He spent a lot of time on skype with the girlfriend rather than engaging with the people around him. So when they eventually broke up, he was especially lonely because he didn’t have the girlfriend and didn’t have many friends at school, either. Making friends at that point was a lot harder than it would have been if he were trying to do it at the beginning of the freshman year, but with some effort, it did happen. </p>

<p>The OP might talk to her S about how much time he spent on line with GF, and whether that affected his ability to make friends at college. If it was a lot, he might have much better luck making friends next year.</p>

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<p>To give up on college because it isn’t as fun as we would like is notmvalid enough reason in my book. Mother bear has some very valid points.</p>

<p>I applaud cc students, it’s not this easy path, its hard to get classes many work have children, and fight for every class. </p>

<p>If the ops son will be hanging out with other unmotivated students, onlike the vast majority oof cc students, it’s mich easier to slip away from school if you aren’t willing</p>

<p>The gf seems to be anbig ger part is she going to be around in the fall?</p>

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<p>I would absolutely support a gap year, but I would have to be convinced about going to the cc.</p>