<p>I need your help!
I have a 10th grade son. Recently, he object whatever I say. We can barely talk. For example, he has an idea to start a club at school. When I heard that idea, I was shocked and told him it is not appropriate and am sure school will not allow it. He shouted back at me and accused that whatever he wants to do, I will throw that thought into water.
I feel really helpless. I don't know what is wrong with him and have no idea how to talk with him any more.
I talked with my hubby who thinks I don't know how to talk with high schooler. he suggested I read some books.
Would you please help me:
1. suggest some books that I should read to learn how to "talk" with high school kid.
2. My son felt he is not good at grades, not excel anything, how should he attract college admission's eye. Whatever I say is "so asian" (for example, good GPA SAT), so he does not listen to my opinions at all. Do you have any suggestions on what he can do to excel?
3. I want to treat my son as a friend, and talk with him like a friend--but he does not think so.
How do you do it if you successfully treat your kids like friends?
Many thanks for any suggestions.</p>
<p>While they’re in high school? I don’t. I’m not their friend. I’m their mom, and that means that sometimes I will make them mad. Oh, well. But I do have some books on parenting teens that I love. My very favorite is: </p>
<p>Yes, Your Teen is Crazy (Michael Bradley)</p>
<p>The worst mistake I made with my oldest was to try to be her ‘friend’. You are not a friend, you are the parent. I fought on a daily basis with my youngest, and until homework was done, games, TV, computer etc. were off limits. There are those rare kids who are born mature, but most kids will take a mile if you give an inch. Raising a spoiled, entitled kid will not be doing the kid any favors. Some day in the future, your son will be your ‘friend.’ In the meantime, be a ‘parent,’ and require your son to adhere to your rules of the house, get his homework done, get a job on weekends, make good use of his free time. Some day he will thank you for it, but do not expect that day to be now.</p>
<p>We non-Asian parents get screamed at too. I do not have any book suggestions, but I wish you the best.</p>
<p>I will say that often we need to stand back and let our children try things, like the club. Starting a club is a good idea. It demonstrates leadership. And usually, the youngster who starts the club gets to be president…more leadership. If the club is inappropriate, the school administrators will tell your son. To start a club, your son will need to find a teacher who will sponsor the club. He may also need to organize fundraising. There are lots of good things about starting organizations.</p>
<p>Good grades and fine SAT scores are also important. Best wishes.</p>
<p>Dealing with teens is difficult. There’s no doubt about it. I have a teenage son (HS senior) and I really did not understand him for the last couple of years. It’s getting a little better now, but I think that’s because his stress level is lower… </p>
<p>Anyway, there is something to the idea that talking to teenagers is like speaking another language. I found this book very helpful (recommended to me by a mom of four boys): Get Out of My Life, But First Could You Drive Cheryl and Me to the Mall.</p>
<p>[Get</a> Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent’s Guide to the New Teenager, Revised and Updated: Anthony E. Wolf: 9780374528539: Amazon.com: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Life-First-Could-Drive-Cheryl/dp/0374528535]Get”>http://www.amazon.com/Life-First-Could-Drive-Cheryl/dp/0374528535)</p>
<p>As others have said, it’s not about being your kid’s friend. Forget it. You’re the parent and having a teen is hard. This book helped with how and when to negotiate (and when not to), as well as with understanding how teens are thinking. For example, sometimes they want to fight with you (argue) just to detract from the actual content of the conversation. There are times to engage and times not to engage.</p>
<p>Good luck! And remember that the kids do mature - some take longer than others - but always communicate and love them - they will appreciate it, if not now, then in the future!</p>
<p>Thanks for all the replies. I appreciate the books’ suggestions. I will read them now. Guess I should not kill his club idea and should let the teacher do that. I kind of regret on that part.</p>
<p>I found this book really useful:</p>
<p>How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Elaine Mazlish</p>
<p>Raising a teenager is like trying to nail jello to a tree. ;)</p>
<p>I also vouch for “Get Out of My Life”. It helped me understand that a child raised by “modern methods” such as time outs and consequences will not respond to the same disciplinary measures as a child raised to fear their parents (like many of us were), and we should not be surprised or overly concerned by a certain amount of lack of respect. I loved the scripts given to “de-escalate” the teenager’s drama ploys. Very helpful in real life.</p>
<p>That book recommended in post 5 is fabulous! And if you ever have a chance to hear the author speak…GO. He is great.</p>
<p>Sorry…I’m the parent in this house. My kids are both out of college and we have a very nice relationship…but in school…sorry not buddies!</p>
<p>And another vote for “Get Out of My Life…” There’s a way to be what I’d call “friendly” with your teen without being a friend. You want your kids to come to you with problems, and being a dictator won’t allow that to happen. But being the adult in charge can. It’s a fine line and no one gets it right all the time. My mother and I were at odds for several years, but when I was grown we DID become friends. There was never any doubt when I was growing up what our roles were, though. Good luck.</p>
<p>I’ve read the first two books recommended and liked both of them. I also found Primal Teen
[The</a> Primal Teen: What the New Discoveries about the Teenage Brain Tell Us about Our Kids: Barbara Strauch: 9780385721608: Amazon.com: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/Primal-Teen-Discoveries-about-Teenage/dp/0385721609]The”>http://www.amazon.com/Primal-Teen-Discoveries-about-Teenage/dp/0385721609))</p>
<p>very interesting. It really helped me understand how teens can be so different than they were when they were younger (suddenly argumentative and rebellious) and reading about the neurobiology was just interesting. Treating my kids like a sort of Biology experiment makes it easier for me to keep my temper!</p>
<p>It sounds like your son is at a point where he really does not feel very confident and is looking for ways to boost his self-esteem and confidence. He gets an idea (the club), shares the idea with you, and you shoot him down, dashing a way to build his confidence (in his mind). He sounds stressed without needing extra demands or stress from you. He is not meeting his own expectations, never mind trying to meet your expectations. I suggest you try to relax, and do some fun things together. When he starts to talk, just sit back and really listen - listen hard to what he is really saying. Then, ask him more questions, in a very non-judgmental way. Help him work out ideas that might not make sense to you by guiding him to seeing why the idea is a poor one without outright telling him. This is a tough age, and it lasts a few years. The teen years are very stressful trying to fit in with friends, please parents and teachers, worry about growing older when you still want to hug a teddy bear…you get the picture! I agree with others, you need to remain the parent, and not be a friend right now. You can be friends later when your son is out of college, or almost out. If he is going to yell at you, just let him know you are trying to help, and when he is ready to have a calm discussion, you will be happy to sit down, then, walk away. Good luck. It takes a while, but the good news is they do grow up! There is a good book called “How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk” that I think might be good reading for you.</p>
<p>What’s your objection to him starting a club? Starting a club was one of the best things I ever did in high school. Helped me break out of my incredibly shy shell.</p>
<p>My son wanted to start a math club in HS. He had to find a teacher to sponsor, a room, etc. He did everything. He didn’t share with me until well into the game, so be grateful your son is sharing with you at the start of his project. </p>
<p>I think it is great your son has this ambition. Why wouldn’t you support him?</p>
<p>For the vast majority of us, parenting teenagers is one of the hardest things we will ever undertake. Forget about being your son’s friend, that is not what any teenager wants and it is certainly not what they need. Your job is to be the voice of reason in their chaotic and sometimes confusing lives. I think you just need to set reasonable rules for your house, and stick to them. And no, they are not too old for consequences if they transgress. </p>
<p>We don’t have a lot of rules, but the ones we do have are important to us and we enforce them. I don’t insist that my teenagers engage me in conversation if they don’t feel like it. But they are never allowed to speak to me or their father disrespectfully. Of course they have ignored that rule on occasion, and we take away their cell phones for one week. Solves the problem pretty quickly. Things got easier for me when I accepted the fact that I was never going to win a popularity contest with my children during their teenage years. My job is to be their mother, so thats what I do.</p>
<p>Fly far. Big hug to you. You’re not helpless, and don’t feel desperate.
Here is my thought. Talk to your son. Really, talk. Without your husband or other kids. Tell him that you want the best things for him. Be honest about his grades. If he studies hard and has solid grades, accept that. Explain why you think grades matter. Play into your life to give him reference and show him you can relate. maybe look at the scores some schools in different ranges require. Young high school students don’t often know this information and aren’t going to think much about it until 11th grade without older siblings or parents to guide the process.
I think there can be a friendship building during high school, one based on mutual respect and love. That definitely doesn’t mean they don’t have to listen, or that you’re ‘equals’, but the sharing and discussing ideas needs to start now, because that is the way the relationship will be in the future. Maybe you can honestly share your dreams for your son, but ask about his… Share your concerns, without being too harsh, and ask him whether he is worried about things… Does that make sense?
Maybe I’m naive and innocent here but that’s how it works at my house… The kids are who they are. Their grades are all acceptable, and if they slip, they know there are consequences, but they also know we can talk about things which effect them and I won’t blow up… They don’t all have to go to Ivy schools, or to top 20 schools to lead successful lives.
Anyway good luck to you both. Try to enjoy these years. They’ll be over too soon, trust me.</p>
<p>Misery likes company…
If it makes you feel any better, we get accused of being “Taliban parents”</p>
<p>There is no way a wicken club would have been allowed at MY kid’s school. Nor “how to grow and sell pot”. </p>
<p>Mom said she thought it was inappropriate, so I doubt its math. </p>
<p>FWIW my kid was a superstar in high school. Maybe your son will peak LATER.</p>
<p>What the heck is wicken?</p>
<p>Do you mean Wiccan? The completely harmless belief system? </p>
<p>But that’s why I asked her concerns. From the OP, I understood that starting a club in general was inappropriate. Not that the type of club is inappropriate.</p>