<p>Even if deadlines aren’t past, or if some colleges would be happy to extend deadlines and throw a full ride at the OP, I don’t see how she can apply because she is homeschooled so I assume she needs mom’s cooperation to apply. Doesn’t mom have to provide a transcript? The few offers she has at present are the door mom left ajar and the OP needs to get out while she can. Figure out which options will put you into viable financial situations (assuming your parents cut you off) so that you can decide quickly when you get official papers.</p>
<p>"I got into University of Alabama, Vandy, local private LAC, and Mississippi State. Full rides to all but Vandy. For Vandy I received the Cornelian Scholarship, plus financial aid, plus some outside scholarships. I would only have to pay a couple thousand which I can pay off with my savings and job. "</p>
<p>This is what OP claims. So she can pack her bags and go to a number of choices. For Vandy, maybe not if the financial aid which is determined by parental numbers provided by parents will be an issue in future years. She can pack her bags and go to Alabama, Mississipi State, the private LAC and tell her mom to kiss her tush, if she so pleases. If there is a dad in the picture, if he agrees to fill out the parental fin aid portion each other privately without involving mom, that part is taken care of, and she can then have her relationship with her mother on her terms with her rules. </p>
<p>If the mom is so abusive and so unpredictable, one can’t depend on anything. Get’s mad. No money, clothes on the curb, a slap across the face, no filling out papers, nothing. That’s her choice and if she wants to stick with her mom whom she knows is erratic and abusive, that’s her call. Right now she has other options. Next year as a transfer if she decides to get out, these offers will not be there and she’ll be really stuck like most young adults who can’t pay for living expenses, let alone college on their own. These awards tend to be one time only, when you are making that transition between high school and college. After that, you are an afterthought and you aren’t going the same packages. So this is it in terms of being able to go to away to a college and away from mom for sure, since you can’t depend on mom. </p>
<p>If you don’t take the options that you are so lucky to have, don’t belly ache next year, when they are gone. You are being warned that this is not a regular offering. </p>
<p>(We know even many top performers get confused about how the numbers add up, refer to “full tuition” as “full ride.” Okay, assuming she has some super offers on the table, fine. I’m not saying stay home, I’m saying make sure your ducks are fully lined up. Ie, don’t count on the CV money til the formal notice comes through. Don’t assume. Don’t be one of the posters who come back, a year or two from now, with full tuition covered, a hefty balance overdue and new charges coming. It’s just the other side of the coin.)</p>
<p>I’m presuming that she’s not confused (she doesn’t sound confused to me). She’s quite articulate. I might also ask to have mail sent to a post office box if that’s possible. Good luck sweetie and I hope you get out.</p>
<p>^I second the idea of having college mail sent to a post office box (perhaps near a place where you’re allowed to go on your own?) It’s easy to set up and it may allow you to keep some elements of your life private, such as the fact you intend to get out and go to another college than the one she’s chosen.
Remember, there’s nothing that prevents her from choosing your college, then deciding you don’t deserve to attend that one college and keeping you at home until you’re “better”, or to send you to community college because she’s decided you don’t deserve a 4-year college. Her decisions aren’t made in your best interest (or she wouldn’t push you to break your ED contract) but in relation to her need to control. It’s hard but you need to help her too, because if you stay you allow her to stay in that mindset that is corrosive to both you and her. If you want to preserve your adult relationship with your mom as well as yourself, you need to keep some things secret, plan carefully, and get out.</p>
<p>PO box is an excellent idea. I have a cousin in another country whose mother stole his acceptance letter to the nation’s premier university and never gave it to him because she wanted him to attend another school. (Religion and control were the issues, not finances.) He found out years later. It is simply amazing what some people stoop to. </p>
<p>“If the mom is so abusive and so unpredictable, one can’t depend on anything. Get’s mad. No money, clothes on the curb, a slap across the face, no filling out papers, nothing. That’s her choice and if she wants to stick with her mom whom she knows is erratic and abusive, that’s her call. Right now she has other options.”</p>
<p>I agree. The mom has a LOT of power if the student will need FA info for the rest of her aid at a school like Vandy. Frankly, it doesn’t sound like her family is low income so the Vandy full tuition probably just covers “need” and the rest would have to be paid by the family…which just gives the mom toooooooo much power. Dad can’t be depended on. </p>
<p>Once you remove the mom’s power by not needing her for economic help, the balance of power will shift. I have a very dear friend whose dad played economic games with her. It wasn’t until she was completely financially free from him that he was “forced” to treat her fairly and as an adult. Until then, he was verbally abusive, controlling, etc. </p>
<p>I would even skip Vandy and choose a school like Mississippi State where you’d have somewhat of a chance of hustling up the remainder of the dough on your own. </p>
<p>As far as school choice, the OP needs to ensure that a school has a low enough net price without any parental money or financial aid form cooperation that she can self fund (through work and/or direct loans) in order to completely break her mother’s power over her.</p>
<p>(Also note that physical assault and battery means that the OP can bring the police and criminal court into play, but victims of abuse are typically unwilling to do that.)</p>
<p>It would be great if the OP took a full ride and got away from her mother’s abuse. However, I will add a plea to not judge the OP. Victims of abuse have been stripped of their faculties and self esteem through constant criticism, gaslighting, control, and walking on eggshells. Leaving an abusive relationship is hard for adults. The OP isn’t much past childhood.
Child abuse is most damaging because the victim is young, not fully developed and completely dependent on the parent for survival. Reactions to the parent are set early on. To a young child, a parent’s rage can feel life threatening because the child depends on the parent for survival. Ironically, abused children love their parents. It is worse to be all alone. A child will take negative attention over no attention.
The OP is remarkable that she has remained so intact. The ideal is to leave- and take the full ride. Victims of abuse can require counseling and support. Children hardly know what normal is.
OP, the CC community can advise, but no matter what you decide, counseling will give you the support you need. Sometimes leaving an abuser can escalate the abuse, or the abuser appears sorry and contrite until the victim returns and the abuse begins again. Get the support you need to deal with a difficult situation.</p>
<p>Remember folks – parents still have to complete a FAFSA for Stafford loans, even if she otherwise is not applying for FA. If she needs those to pay for college, she’s not completely out of the parental woods.</p>
<p>Thank you so so so much to everyone who took the time to answer. Your support and suggestions are deeply appreciated.I’ve been thinking, and Mississippi State looks like my best option right now. I will receive very little need-based aid to Vandy, as my parents income is quite healthy (although we’re not super wealthy by any means). I’m just not 110% sure of the merit scholarship since it’s not official yet. I really don’t think the friend would have told me if it wasn’t a done deal, or at least a highly likely one, as she knows how much going to Vandy would mean to me, but you can never be sure. I have enough outside scholarships that I won to pay for whatever the merit scholarship doesn’t cover, but I would still have to work to pay off the couple thousand left over. If I cut ties with my parents and move out without any financial support from them, I might really need that couple thousand to support myself outside of school. I love Alabama, but Mississippi State has a solid science program, great research opportunities, and I felt like it was the best fit next to Vandy. However, I’m not sure about that either since I applied ED to Vandy. It’s ED for a reason. I don’t think my mom will be swayed over by the honor part. She wanted me to apply just to see what would happen, whatever it would do for her pride has already been done after the acceptance, and the almost-for-sure merit scholarship. That’s all she wanted, now she wants me to stay home where she can keep an eye on me. She’s bipolar (or just asian) so it’s really hard to leave when she’s in a good mood, and all nice and whatnot. Then I always wish I had once that good mood leaves. It would also just ruin things socially for me, as none of my friends or church members would understand save for a few close ones, because she seems so nice on the outside. Sometimes she would be hitting me or whatnot, and then answer the phone in the sweetest tone of voice, you’d never imagine she was capable of anything but sweetness. I also know she would blame me and say I was just mentally ill/rebellious or whatnot if I did leave. She did that once when I was eight and she kicked me out of the house after a bad piano lesson. Told me to run away and never come back, I ran to a nearby park (my loyal dog eventually tracked me down) but she told everyone that I had run away because I was rebellious, and everyone believed her. It was humiliating. Point being, cutting my ties with her, would mean cutting my ties with everyone in my small church who are all like family to me, and most of my friends. I’d lose a lot more than just my family. I also don’t doubt that she would disown me for real. She didn’t get along with her brother or mother growing up, and to this day, she hasn’t talked to them since moving out. Throws all the Christmas cards of her brother’s kids in the trash, has never gone back to Japan to visit and whatnot, so I think being disowned is pretty real possibility. Anyways, a lot is at stake, so I’ll take in everything ya’ll said and just really seriously think on it. Thank ya’ll so much though, I really, really appreciate it.</p>
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<p>Given what you describe of your mother, being disowned after leaving for a full ride college could very well be liberating for you.</p>
<p>She is using the threat of disowning you to control you. If she actually does disown you, she no longer has any control over you.</p>
<p>What is the best way to prevent your mom from messing with / withdrawing
all your other acceptances ? If I were you, I would make sure she does not have any access to that.</p>
<p>I am so sorry to hear about all these, good luck to you</p>
<p>“Point being, cutting my ties with her, would mean cutting my ties with everyone in my small church who are all like family to me, and most of my friends.” Or maybe you could tell them what happened yourself. You aren’t 8 years old anymore. I wouldn’t assume that your friends are going to turn against you because you have had problems with your mother. Are they also going to college? You can stay in touch with them and mom will be out of the picture.</p>
<p>She has raised you to be "fearful"of her. She uses this tactic over and over again control you! </p>
<p>Living at home and going to college is just her way to continue. She will BE there for the rest of your life! Every decision will be hers, not yours!
You do need to plan and get yourself set to get out of there and not look back. It will be emotional hard but she is not normal.
I feel like you have been given so many great opportunities to move on. Didn’t you say you raised or trained dogs to earn hundreds to few thousands for showing dogs? Use as another way to earn money.</p>
<p>Time to disown your Mother. Stand up and take back control…this is your Mother’s greatest fear! </p>
<p>I’ve just been reading this and I feel so lucky that I am not in your situation. But then again, you have great opportunities under your fingertips. It is unfortunate such a bright student such as yourself has a control-freak student, who doesn’t even let you reward yourself for your achievements. However this is now your chance to do so and as many others have said before me, I think your best bet would be the full-ride scholarships because that will completely liberate you from your abusive parent. Good luck and you have done yourself a big favor by getting support from the people in this community.</p>
<p>OP, I know you love your mom. But she is not balanced and she is bad for you. If you move away, you will make new friends and have a new support system and new church family. </p>
<p>Get out. Please. </p>
<p>Get a Post Office box for any physical correspondence so your mom can’t thwart your plans. Pick the least expensive school that has a good program. And please make use of the counseling center. You will need the support. </p>
<p>Her behavior is not your fault. There is something wrong with her. You will never ever be able to please her. But you sound like a great young woman with a solid head on your shoulders. You have a good future ahead of you. </p>
<p>One thing that abused people sometimes have a hard time with is that their abusers usually are not abusing on a daily basis. There can be 50 good days and then an abusive day. The 50 good days do not cancel out the abusive day. That’s what’s hard to grasp. They’ll say, “well, most of the time the person isn’t abusing me.”</p>
<p>Look at it this way…if an abuser gave you 49 good meals and then 1 poison meal, the fact that he/she gave you 49 good meals doesn’t diminish the fact (the CRIME) that the abuser gave you a poisonous meal. </p>
<p>The OP needs to get out of the home, take a full ride, and not depend on the parents. The father may grow some you-know-whats when he realizes that he’ll lose contact with his D if he doesn’t man-up. </p>
<p>Your mother sounds like she may have Borderline Personality Disorder. You may want to google this and see if the characteristics fit. It may help you understand how all of her behaviors tie together and are not about being a Tiger Mom/Asian.</p>