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<p>I’ve seen too many parents who found comfort in being their child’s goto person for advice, only to find 10 years later that the child is still dependent on them. Whenever those parents do get “lectured”, it’s always interesting to see the rationale they reply with justifying why they need to be their child’s safety net.</p>
<p>^ really?..some parent-child relationships are just stronger than others. I feel sorry for the parents who aren’t the"goto" people for advice.</p>
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<p>You suggest that “asking for advice” automatically means being “dependent”.</p>
<p>It doesn’t.</p>
<p>You feel sorry for them? Why?</p>
<p>Some people are proud that their kids can find resources appropriate to the situation and utilize those as relevant. I thought giving them the skills to do so was one of the tasks of parenting.
While they may keep their parents apprised of * important decisions*, they don’t feel a need to run every single thing by them, which has little impact on the things they share as a family.</p>
<p>^^Yes. I definitely have noticed that with my boys. The oldest is out of college and the calls for advice have changed from “how do you get my white t-shirts so white” at age 18 to more rare calls that generally are around more life changing questions about work or big expenses etc. I am proud that our kids are separating and understanding when it is appropriate to reach out to us. I know very little about interpersonal relationships and day to day things with the two oldest but for me, that is appropriate because I always saw my position as to birth them, raise them and send them on their way to repeat the cycle and was very proud and happy of each step to independence as opposed to sad. But I also understand that some families have a different dynamic and that some mothers (and fathers) find joy in those lingering attachments.</p>
<p>Looks like we are off and running - so begins the usual cc debate on how dependent/independent college kids should be - leaving behind the discussion on yound men’s deodorant products.</p>
<p>^lol. Any further news from D?</p>
<p>Update yesterday was #164 above - don’t expect to hear more until I pick her up after finals</p>
<p>It wasn’t until my mother was no longer able to converse with me about little things-share recipes, be a sounding board regarding my domestic skills, give advice on how to deal with a difficult coworker, that I truly appreciated the relationship that I had with her. Since Alzheimer’s took away the joy of those silly innocuous conversations, I will not begrudge any family that feels free to offer advice and sympathy on a daily or even weekly basis. That is not to say that I didn’t learn to live independently, or that I have raised my own DS to be independent, but before you start to judge think a moment what it would be like to never get those words of wisdom again.</p>
<p>I actually think only a couple posters used " judging" language, others just reported their own families experience.
Isn’t that what we are here for?</p>
<p>One of the things that has kept me here since 2005 IS that there is a rythmn to the discussions…same topics…new people come and go, “old” people retell stories that give newcomers a glimpse in the rearview window and I never fail to learn something. Now that my last is heading off to college, time will tell if I stick around or not, but I never fail to be amused, appalled, fascinated, educated, and a bunch more.</p>
<p>MizzBee I truly believe daughters and mothers have a very different relationship than sons and mothers. One of the few things in life that I regret is not having a daughter. </p>
<p>I don’t think anybody is judging any particular person. It has been a very general thread about how people would have handled an innocuous but common issue and how they felt about it and that has been the refreshing and non-contentious thing about this thread.</p>
<p>And…cross-posted. Clearly i agree with you Emerald.</p>
<p>No one here has judged the OP.
Several, including me, have aired our view on the topic (which, like all of us, is based on our experiences), after a few replies brought the subject to the forefront.</p>
<p>Asking for advice is not a sign of dependence. Perhaps more young adults should consult their parents about major decisions - maybe we wouldn’t see them making some of the mistakes they do. My own BIL, had he asked for advice a few years ago when his then-wife asked for a divorce, both would have been better off. They went through arbitration, and were given very bad financial advice from the person they worked with. Had he asked his parents for advice, they would not have had advice to give themselves, but would have know enough to suggest a discussion with someone about tax consequences. (Along the lines of - your realtaor knows that there are tax benefits to owning your home, but are you going to rely on her to know all the details, or ask someone familiar with taxes?) </p>
<p>It sounds to me like D tried to work things out with the suitemate, and was having some difficulty. So she called home to ask for advice - exactly what I would expect of my own D. Rather than give up and either decide the roommate is unreasonable and refuse to work with her, or go the other direction and give in to her every demand, she asked for someone else’s opinion (incidentally, the same thing the OP did here).</p>
<p>Yes, we all need advice sometimes. Yesterday I had to call my mom about which parts of a green onion were ok to eat (yeah…) and last week she called me for about about how to help her friend in a domestic violence situation.We all have our strengths and weaknesses.</p>
<p>Part of growing up, imo, is knowing when to ask for advice. Advice is not the same as expecting the patent to intervene and I think the OP is doing exactly the right thing in getting advice but seemingly let the D ultimately work it out on her own.</p>
<p>I dont think asking for advice is a sign of dependence either- But, I do think that its important to encourage kids to make their own ( age appropriate) decisions, starting from when they are little- even though it can take a lot less time and energy if you just decree from above.;)</p>
<p>But I also agree that it sounds like there is more to this personality conflict than shower times.</p>
<p>My kids were both counselors at a summer camp for years ( as well as going off to camp for years) and had to put up with very cozy living situations, which may have prepared them to live with roommates.
But when many kids not only dont have to share a bedroom growing up, but they even have their own bathroom, they may need a mediator to work out conflicts until they get the hang of living in tighter quarters.
Some schools, the RA is a good resource, but others, not so much.
My oldest lived in dorms for three years- but she always had a single room. Youngest had a roommate freshman year, which worked out well, but then moved off campus, which has its own challenges.</p>
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<p>I agree. I talk to my mother every day nowadays, and she talked to HER mother every day. That doesn’t mean that either of us are/were dependent nincompoops. </p>
<p>My mother and I trade advice on various topics. I’m 59. She’s 89.</p>
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<p>With respect, I consider this second passage to be “judging” language. By raising the straw man of “run every single thing by them”, which no one here has proposed, the passage in my view mocks and trivializes viewpoints under discussion here.</p>
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At a lot of colleges a room switch is accomplished easier and faster if the students can work out the switch - i.e. find the other person willing to switch. They then approach the RA and say these 2 people want to swap rooms and it makes it easy for the RA - no negotiating, no searching, no trying to convince someone to do what they prefer not to do.</p>
<p>What’s ‘Axe’ - perfume for males? IMO trying to cover up BO by adding other scents just makes it worse since you now have multiple awful scents to deal with.</p>
<p>Kudos to the OP on this thread - the OP has been very even-keeled to all of the responses.</p>
<p>^^That’s how my oldest switched rooms. Turns out several weeks into freshman fall his roommate became good friends with a guy on another floor and my son became good friends with that guy’s roommate. Voila switch, no muss, no fuss, simply “told” the RA they were doing it. </p>
<p>I wouldn’t call Axe perfume. It’s an extremely strong smelling body spray that has expanded into deodorants, body wash, etc. It’s potent and very, very pungent and favored by 14-16 years old boys primarily I believe (possibly older boys that haven’t discovered girls.) They say they target 18-24 (and the ads appear that way) but most boys outgrow it because I think most girls/women hate the smells in my opinion. It does cover up obnoxious smells…but then you are faced with an equally obnoxious smell that is different.</p>
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<p>Actually, I come from a family/culture where the default was to shower at night…though rarely as late as 1 am. Came in handy during college as it seems the vast majority of undergrads showered in the mornings so I practically had the showers to myself after 7 pm. </p>
<p>Even so, I do think the OP’s daughter can compromise by showering earlier than 1 am. </p>
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<p>Sounds like I didn’t miss much.</p>