<p>Of our children, we have a son who always asks for our advice. He has long heart-to-heart talks with both of us, and when he’s not at home he calls every day. We have a daughter who never asks for advice unless it is the most dire situation, and she never calls home. We’re lucky to get her to answer our e-mails. So, yes, we definitely have different relationships with our children. It’s not just how different families do it, it’s different from child to child, regardless of gender, and there is no one right way.</p>
<p>When a kid runs a situation by a parent (or if a parent runs a situation by a friend or perhaps a forum) what is wanted is more often perspective than advice.</p>
<p>OP here - had to share this message I got from daughter last night:</p>
<p>Suite mate was in bathroom from like 11:20 to 12:40 - apparently has a whole group of people over </p>
<p>This really changes the equation for me - suite mate and her friends are making noise and using bathroom late at night but she throws a fit when my daughter showers late?</p>
<p>1 - suite mate has friends over in the evening when D is not there, and just wants to set the rules (she’s tired when she’s tired, and her internal clock is the most important). If D is not usually home before 12:30, she may have known what was happening before she got home most nights.</p>
<p>2 - suite mate decided to have a temper tantrum, and figured she would give D a lesson.</p>
<p>In neither case would I go out of my way to be the only one who “gives.”</p>
<p>There is the third possibility, that the suite mate has finally adjusted her own habits, to stay up later, and perhaps sleep in. If she had a whole group of people over, I doubt they stayed up late with her just to show D a lesson, so maybe she understands that staying up late isn’t so unusual after all.</p>
<p>Of course if suitemate is throwing a tantrum, two can play that game. There is one shower, and only one person can use it at a time. D can take that earlier shower, and tie up said shower for a significant amount of time - but at a reasonable time. </p>
<p>They need to get to the root of the problem, and I don’t think the 1am showers are the real problem. I suspect having to share space is the real problem. The suitemate may have requested a single, thinking it would mean no shared personal space.</p>
<p>Wait, your D is saying that her suitemate invited a whole bunch of people over and then, while they were there, locked herself in the bathroom for an hour and twenty minutes??? I don’t believe it. Or did the guests arrive after 12:40? Does you D think that because the suitemate stayed up late ONE night that it is now okay to wake her up EVERY night? I would point out, BTW, that since your D is supposedly rarely in her room until after midnight, it is not unreasonable to assume that she would not be bothered by the suitemate having late guests.</p>
<p>But I do not believe that the suitemate decided to have a party just to spite your D, any more than I think that your D is showering after midnight just to annoy her roommate. Is your D is going to gather evidence of ANY time the suitemate is up late or has friends over and use it to justify habitually showering at 1 am?</p>
<p>Both of them need to get a grip and learn how to get along. At this point, I think that the OP should tell her D just that and bow out.</p>
<p>Or perhaps the suitemate knew that kiddie’s D was always up till 1 am and wouldn’t be bothered by the late night guests.</p>
<p>If she wants to pursue it, she should sweetly tell suite mate she’s been trying to switch to earlier hours, but wonders if that’s really necessary in light of the partying. Is she now on more of a normal college schedule?</p>
<p>Personally I think daughter should talk to the suitemate and find out what her expectations are, and vice versa. They should find a compromise they both can live with. Or they can both go over the dorm equivalent of the fiscal cliff where the consequences may be horrible. Or not. We don’t know.</p>
<p>I think girls can cause drama whenever they feel slighted. Perhaps the suitemate was trying to give your D a lesson. Or maybe it is just a one time thing and she was having a group over to study or kick back. I would wait and see if it is a new habbit of the Suitemate to shower late and have friends over late. </p>
<p>Seems like both girls are feeling on edge with eachother. I would suggest that you encourage your D to ask the suitemate to coffee to hash it out before leaving for the break. They need to compromise together on shower times visitors etc and then come back in Jan. with a fresh start.</p>
<p>It’s unclear to me why a small gathering or tying up the BR one evening should necessarily be viewed as directed AT OP’s daughter. People have gatherings . . . it doesn’t have to be personal.</p>
<p>So this is finals time for us- is it for your D as well? If so, it’s entirely possible that they were working on a group project or a study group or something. </p>
<p>And being in the bathroom for an hour and 20 minutes…? That makes no sense.</p>
<p>As a middle school math teacher and mother of a teenage boy, I will A) Favor the scent of Axe ANY DAY over the odor of an 11-13 year old AFTER gym class B) Be purchasing some Axe for my big-offenders and put it in their lockers from the “Locker Fairy” at Christmas C) Wish I had a son who worshiped Axe instead of finding the little deodorant in his gym bag in middle school, knowing the gym teacher gave it to him (how embarrassing for a parent to be “that parent”) because he STINKS!</p>
<p>For OP - I hope my daughter will ask for advice when she leaves next year for college. Her asking for advice and having a conversation with your daughter does not make her too immature for college! I think the roommate get-together was a “pay-back”, but who knows for sure! Good luck, hopefully it will all work out!</p>
<p>I am just trying to wrap my head around why having people over necessitated the bathroom being tied up for all that time? I feel like I am missing something?</p>
<p>OP–just an idea. My oldest son and his roomie had a bit of trouble figuring things out in the beginning. His roomie had never shared any space before ( he had his own SUITE at home… his own bedroom, bath, walk in closet and sitting room) and at the beginning he felt that his wants always deserved primacy. As in son should go elsewhere to socialize/watch TV/have a study group when roomie wanted the room to study or chill or take a nap; and that son should go to the library or study lounge if roomie wanted to socialize/watch TV/have a study group.</p>
<p>The boys talked and worked out a compromise in which they alternated weeks of having first dibs on the use of the room.</p>
<p>And I want to make it known that roomie ended up being the best man at my son’s wedding.</p>
<p>I hope your daughter and her suitemate can reach a workable compromise.</p>
<p>It sounds to me like there is a lot of tension between the roommates, beyond the showering issue. Perhaps something else is simmering - it could simply be that one or the other feels snubbed or their communication is so poor that bad feelings are festering. My d got to a point with her roommate freshman year that everything the girl did bothered her. They needed to clear the air - they went out to dinner one night and both realized that the other was actually pretty nice, just coming from a different place. When you like someone you can let some things slide. She still lives with this girl in a suite - great suitemate, not so great roommate.</p>
<p>My S, now 18, started using Axe at age 14 or so - quickly graduated to Dolce and Gabbana, Bulgari and such…nothing I can buy at Walgreens! It does help boys get acquainted with the idea that, “Hey, I don’t smell so good and I should do something about it.”</p>
<p>ChristineF: I can definitely relate about the middle school boys after PE. Although it is preferable to have them use Axe versus the body odor – some of them spray sooooo much of it – the scent permeates from the hallways into the classrooms. And the girls – way too much perfume. Sometimes we have to open the windows to air out the room so we can breathe!! Hopefully they will learn “less is more” :)</p>
It’s not just how different families do it, it’s different from child to child, regardless of gender, and there is no one right way.</p>