Advice on how to deal with suitemate

<p>If people are hanging out at 1am, why not ask one of them if she can use their shower so that she doesn’t wake up her roommate.</p>

<p>I think alot of it is that kids grow up in houses these days where they have their own bedrooms and sometimes have their own bathrooms so aren’t use to having to live with someone they have to compromise with and aren’t as sensitive to how they can irritate each other. I’d love to be a fly on the wall if the girls go to the RA. My money is that RA tells the one girl to take her showers at a different time since “sleep” trumps “shower.” I’m a night-time shower person but if my husband were sleeping I’d break my favorite time and wait until morning even though I hate getting wet first thing in the morning because I know the shower would wake him up and you just have to be considerate sometimes. The kids’ bath has a common wall with our bedroom and that was how I knew my kids got up when they were in high school…their shower would wake me up. I think most people would agree that being within 12 feet or less of shower noise will wake you up.<br>
The decible chart has shower and toilet right above an alarm clock:</p>

<p>[Noise</a> Level Chart: dB Levels of Common Sounds](<a href=“http://www.noisehelp.com/noise-level-chart.html]Noise”>http://www.noisehelp.com/noise-level-chart.html)</p>

<p>The other thing that struck me was the OP said the D has a “right” to take a shower whenever she wants, but this isn’t about ‘rights’ this is about living with someone. I have alot of rights that I don’t enforce in my marriage or at my workplace because both situations are about relationships and how I handle relationships. Having a right to do something and being considerate of someone else’s reasonable request, are two different things. By denying a reasonable request, when you have the right to deny, you are signifying that what you are doing is more important than what the other person is doing. </p>

<p>A good analogy is a workplace that allows flex time. By right, that means that an individual could come in when they want put their 8 or 9 hours in and go home. Companies generally say that people can do that as long as it doesn’t impact the work team. But when that person establishes a schedule that makes it difficult for others to do what they need to do, the person is abusing their “right” and most likely a manager would need to step in and ask that the person adjust their schedule to be more accommodating or worse, it would become a negative on that person’s review.</p>

<p>Why care? Suitemate is moving out. Problem solved.</p>

<p>^^Only if the OP’s D finds a roommate that doesn’t go to sleep before 1 AM with regularity or a roommate that sleeps through alarm clocks.</p>

<p>Seems like the damage has already been done, and the current relationship between DD and her suite-mate is sub-optimal. It most likely will continue to deteriorate next term, as teenagers can dig their heels in when they feel slighted by a peer. I would let the suite-mate carry on with her request for alternate accommodation. Your DD should then put in a request for a suite-mate that maintains hours similar to her own.</p>

<p>Why care? Why care about anything. You are either a considerate roommate or not. OP’s D is not being considerate of her roommate and she maybe needs to learn something here.</p>

<p>Considering the situation is as described, the OP’s D seriously needs to consider showering earlier in the evening or any other time which won’t disturb the roommate’s sleep. </p>

<p>All those who say that the OP’s roommate needs to accommodate what is essentially discretionary noise because [i.e. freshman dorm, dorm not house, city, etc] sounded like a younger friend who ended up in a lot of conflicts with suite/dormmates because he was so self-absorbed that he used those comebacks to discount their complaints about his noisy behavior. </p>

<p>Finally, it took me and other mutual older friend to sit him down and clue him in that such an attitude is fine if he wants to have potential for endless conflicts with roommates, future family members, and generally come across as a self-absorbed Grade A a$#h^&e. Didn’t take him long to readjust his attitude once he realized the potential future implications of his attitude.</p>

<p>Many who don’t get clued on this end up not only having roommate/neighbor problems, but also possible issues with landlords and/or police enforcing noise laws. Saw several apartments occupied by undergrads/fresh grads being raided by NYPD because their discretionary noise was to the point they violated NYC noise laws. </p>

<p>Heck, several neighbors in my and some adjacent co-ops ended up getting kicked out of their units for violating noise laws/co-op terms.</p>

<p>Perhaps like the OP’s D, my kids were pretty ritualistic in taking their showers at a certin time while living at home just before going to college. However, I noticed that after they were in college and came home for breaks that ritualistic behavior was no longer followed and they were taking showers at different times of the day. Their behavior changed because it pretty much had to from a practical level in order for all the roomies to be able to get their showers in (multiple roomies - a more complex situation that the OP’s D’s simple one). In other words, they compromised because of necessity and because it made sense since they were living together with other people now. </p>

<p>I don’t think the adjustment above is unusual. I also think some people try very hard to hang onto their ritualistic habits until they figure out that making a reasonable compromise is something they need to do and will even work out in their favor every now and then when the other party makes a compromise for them.</p>

<p>I understand that the D’s ritual and desire is to take a shower just before putting on PJs and settling into her room for the night. I’d want to do the same. However, there’s not really any reasonable reason she couldn’t take a shower in the morning or even at 4pm or 7pm just before heading out to do her things with other people - it doesn’t ‘have’ to be the last final action of the evening. Most people are good with one shower a day at some point in the day. It’s a simple compromise on her part that can have a great practical beneficial effect for the suitemate. </p>

<p>But if she refuses to do that, then maybe she can work with the suitemate to have either the suitemate or the D do a switch with someone in another suite whose sleep habits are more aligned with theirs. Usually this is the fastest and easiest way to make a change like this - to find a willing person to switch rather than dump the issue on the RA or housing to try to fix. Watch out for the ‘frying pan into the fire’ issue though.</p>

<p>The advice provided by nearly all of the posters has been thoughtful, sober and considerate. The general conclusion has been that your daughter should not take the late night showers.</p>

<p>I have a different approach, probably triggered by the roommate’s bellicose comment that she wanted a different roommate. Here’s how to settle her hash.</p>

<p>Have your daughter get a recording of someone experiencing serial nausea. I’m talking gut-wrenching, cookie-tossing, porcelain pony-riding, groaning, projectile vomiting nausea. Make sure there is a hiatus of about 15 seconds for dry heaves, then start round two. Play it the next time the boyfriend is over for monkey business. We’ll see who complains about showers.</p>

<p>^^ Oh good grief…that’s real mature. Hope you are a kid and not a parent. The comment about the boy friend is a red herring…has nothing at all to do with the issue the D is having…nothing. They have singles and share a bathroom which is a pretty darn nice college set up. At minimum there are 4 kids sharing a bathroom in most suites.</p>

<p>I’m generally a night owl, and I’m also one of those people who can’t stand to go to bed without taking a shower. That said, IMO, 1 am every weeknight is a bit late to expect the roommate not to be bothered. Some people are sound sleepers and can tune things out. Others can’t.<br>
I think OP’s D is being inconsiderate not to change her schedule a bit. She should ask if there is a certain time after which the roommate prefers her NOT to shower. I think having it quiet after 11 pm or midnight is reasonable. Would it really be that difficult for the OP’s D to be back to the room for her shower by 11 or 12 instead of 1 am? Or if she got in late, just know that she must postpone the shower until morning? </p>

<p>One of my biggest roommate conflicts (in college and with H) is when roommate/H needs to get up early–and sets her/his alarm for an hour before she/he actually intends to get up-- and keeps hitting the snooze over and over and over. Once I am awakened by an alarm, I can’t get back to sleep. I’m sure I’ve had thousands of hours of sleep “stolen” from me this way.<br>
My college roommate with this habit used the classical music station as her alarm. She’d routinely hit the snooze 10 times, though I begged her to just set the alarm for later.
Result? Until this day, whenever I hear violins, I just want to MURDER someone!</p>

<p>Put me down as one who thinks she could take an evening shower a couple of hours earlier.</p>

<p>It’s a relatively minor accommodation to make; if the OP’s D gets another suite mate, there are many other possible conflicts that might come to light. The idea of a single room sounds like an unthinkable luxury; my first-year D is in a triple that’s as crowded as a submarine. If the three girls didn’t have some flexibility and a sense of humor, they’d end up killing each other. So inconvenience is relative. Your D may jump out of the frying pan and into the fire with another suite mate. Is she willing to risk that over the time she takes a shower?</p>

<p>My daughter and her roomy and she share a tiny room, and have communal baths. Her room mate parties 4-5 nights a week, get drunk in her dorm room with her crazy friends, comes and goes at all hours, and occasionally brings boys back to the room (where my daughter is sleeping). the ONLY thing she has complained about is her roomy eating cereal at 3:00 a.m. Can’t sleep through that. they are VERY different, but have made it work without hating each other. The reward…daughters friend is going abroad, and she gets a single room suite next semester! her roomy is moving in with one of her party girls. maybe a transfer will make everyone happy. funny enough, I’ve been very sick the past few weeks and sleeping in my college girls bedroom so I won’t wake my husband with my TB-like cough, and my middle daughter wakes me up several nights a week with her later night/early morning showers. I never knew how loud the shower was till the shampoo bottle gets dropped!</p>

<p>The OP didn’t say that showers at 1am are the Ds daily routine. She said that she may stay up as late as 1am on the days she doesnt have an 8 am class. So that means she showers late on about 2 or 3 days a week.</p>

<p>^^ and that makes the compromise even less! I hope/assume that is what you are pointing out financegrad.</p>

<p>I do agree that it would be nice to accomadate the suitemate’s request. However what if the situation were a little different. Let’s say that your daughter has an 8am class but her suitemate has a late class and sleeps in until 11am or so, after staying up late. Can the daughter take her shower at 7am or must she take it the night before? What if an early shower wakes up the suitemate? Is there really a difference between the two scenarios?</p>

<p>I am surprised at the responses here. Thirty years ago I lived in a dorm. My room was across the hall from the community bathroom/ showers used by approximately 30 young women. People showered at all times of the day and night. Another year I had a roommate and we had a private bath and shared a common wall with someone else 's common bath. Again, showers occurred at all hours. That is the thing about dorm life. If you don’t like it, get an apartment. I am a light sleeper and yet somehow never got bent out of shape about a shower waking me up. Earplugs work. One of my daughter’s has to shower at night. I shower in the morning. I sometimes hear her shower but am I going to tell her not to shower then because it inconveniences me. I just do not remember anyone making a big deal about such a triviality when I was in school. Now if a roommate puked on my bed, uh yeah that is something to complain about.</p>

<p>

The rule is that 7am is reasonable while 1am isn’t if it’s disturbing someone. ;)</p>

<p>But really, 7am is reasonable because there are lots of people who need to go to an 8am class or go to a campus job, sports workout, etc. at that time but 1am is so late that it’s not like they ‘need’ to take the shower at that time - it’s just that they ‘want’ to. </p>

<p>Am I the only one who thinks this 1am might really be 2am or maybe later every now and then?</p>

<p>Walls in dorms are thin and I agree that showers are very loud. As the OPs D is capable of washing up without showering if it is *very late<a href=“which%20sounds%20like%20those%20nights%20are%20later%20than%201am”>/i</a>, I suggest that she consider that even that amount of noise can be disruptive after 10 pm.
Personally, I can understand wanting to take a bath or shower if you have been at the gym or working outside in weather, but after reading at the library?
And then going to bed with wet hair, but not taking another shower in the morning after 8 hrs of sweaty sleep? yuck!
I wonder what she did last year in high school, since it sounds like her hours are something she “can’t” change?
Did she study till one & then shower?</p>