<p>I would take the issue to the RA to act as a mediator. Both suitemates can make a suggestion of how they would like things to work, and they can find a compromise in the middle. But part of the discussion has to be why, and what is reasonable/unreasonable. If the shower is on D’s side of the room, I wonder just how much noise it really makes. Is it really enough noise that it would bother most other people, or is the SM overly sensitive.</p>
<p>In some ways this reminds me of the thread with the Korean roommate who objected to his roommate running a fan while he slept (in a hot room). We don’t have full information, and Mom probably doesn’t either. I’m willing to take the D’s word that she tried to adjust her schedule, but it might be a case that the SM insists she can’t take a late shower on any night, which is not a compromise.</p>
<p>As for whether activities happen that late at night, I can’t speak for that particular college, but when I was a student we had intramural hockey games very late (or very early), because that was when the ice was available. There could be similar issues with availability of fields for certain sports. And if students are working on group projects, it is possible that late night is the only good time to coordinate schedules. Anecdotal evidence might suggest otherwise, but what do you do when 4 students are working together, 1 works part time mornings, another works evenings, and mix in 4 class schedules?</p>
<p>We’ve spent pages all giving well meaning advise. What I think (or I hope) we all can agree on is we are lacking a great deal of information so it’s impossible to really proposed a proper solution. Any number of things could sway my original opinion, and I think people that feel the OPs D should change her schedule given new information might possibly feel differently as well. We know only what the DD told her mother and what she’s relaying to us. We don’t know what’s actually going on for the DD, we certainly don’t know what’s going on for the rm, and who knows if the bf plays any random part in this at all. There could be additional players we don’t even know about (a friend the rm really wanted to room with in the first place so she was just looking for an excuse, who knows?!).</p>
<p>These adults should either fish or cut bait, with help from the RA if necessary. Agree that they are not going to work this out and move on, which given information we don’t know may actually be best for everyone, OR sit down and both compromise on this and whatever else is eating at them. We can speculate until the cows come home, but there are always three sides to every story (ie. side #1, side #2, and what actually happened) and we don’t have a single one of them…just a second hand version of one.</p>
<p>If I were OP’s D, I’d evaluate why I needed to shower so late at night. Personally, I shower before bed, too, but that’s because I have a balance disorder and I tend to get dizzy after I shower, so I lay down in bed right after I’m done. Note that I often shower an hour or more before I actually go to sleep–I watch TV, read books, even do homework. </p>
<p>If I were SM, I’d consider a) changing my tone and b) something to block out the sound.</p>
<p>Agree Scoutmom . . . So if D of OP showers at midnight is that OK? How about 1-2 nights a week? My D’s official dorm quiet time is 10:00 pm until 9am on weekdays. Certainly that doesn’t mean no showering or toilet flushing or moving around your room. They say no yelling, slamming doors, vacuming, horesplay, loud music/conversation etc. during those times. People are still allowed to go about their normal business. Suitmate should try one of those barley filled draft snakes against the base of the door to block light and noise.</p>
<p>^^if there’s a common wall and it’s in the middle of the night: and it’s yellow be mellow if it’s brown flush it down. Seriously, I was, albeit thirty some years ago, in a university in Europe and you didn’t shower everyday. The university used to send notes to the “Americans” telling them if they needed a shower everyday to go to the swim hall instead. Now perhaps times have changed but in general American’s are pretty “spoiled” with their personal bedroom and personal bathrooms and big houses where everyone has “space”. Learn to place nice with each other and it will take you far in life.</p>
<p>I would tell OP’s D to take a shower earlier if it bothered her suitemate. I would tell the suitemate to get a pair of noise cancellation earphones. This just doesn’t seem like such a big deal on either side. How OP reacts to this situation also sends a message to her D. Sometimes it is not always about what we are entitled to, but what little compromises we could do to keep peace.</p>
<p>I, too, was an exchange student in Germany and not only did they think I was nuts for showering daily or nearly daily (I tapered to suit their culture) but for wearing a clean shirt daily. Here in the homeland, European caliber body odor combined with non-flushing suite mates I would consider to be a greater infringement than a thrice weekly 1am shower.</p>
<p>I was in college 30 years ago too, but in the U.S… It was the norm then for most people to shower or bathe every day. And such habits are still the norm with almost every U.S. college student. You’ll have to trust me on that. </p>
<p>^^i agree, I was poking fun alittle, but your “when in Rome” comment applies to the roommate issues also…all kids will need to bend alittle especially if they have been in an “only” bedroom with an “only bathroom.” Unlike our generation where it wasn’t uncommon to share bedrooms let alone share bathrooms, many of this generation have not had to do that so college is the first time they encounter the issues of “sharing space.” It’s a good learning experience.</p>
<p>I am now going to assume that the reason why my DS all-male school smells like a giant sweat sock on Thursday nights is that they are simply being considerate by not waking each other by showering all week.</p>
<p>Asked the NEU alum friend I’m currently staying with this weekend about the dorm/opinion on this thread. </p>
<p>He said he can see how some people would be much more sensitive to noise and that in this situation, he agrees with my take that the OP’s D needs to be much more flexible about showering earlier or even forgoing the evening shower for a morning one for the sake of common courtesy. </p>
<p>He also felt that barring some unheard of serious medically documented reasons for showering at that specific time, the inflexibility of the OP regarding shower scheduling demonstrates “extreme entitlement”…something which doesn’t work when you’re sharing living space in a dorm/post-college roommate situation. </p>
<p>As for showering every day or not, it’s not only cultural…but also depends on one’s personal body chemistry. Some people emit far stronger BO than others and the ones who emit the stronger BO in the shortest intervals must shower more often than those who don’t. On the flipside, some people may not be able to shower everyday during cold dry weather due to various skin conditions which could be aggravated by daily showering. </p>
<p>Moreover, due to cultural expectations, women tend to shower much more than males on average…especially during adolescent years. </p>
<p>There’s a reason why high school/college aged males are much more likely to reek of BO and don’t wash up enough to keep it at bay than their female counterparts not only during Gym/physical education, but also during classes and on weekends. Hey, some adolescent/young adult males I encountered from late elementary school through high school feel there’s some sort of a machismo virtue and gain some warped thrills from deliberately failing to shower just to get a rise out of their mothers, sisters, and female classmates/teachers. </p>
<p>Then I went off to an LAC where it seems accumulating BO among some of the neo-hippie classmates of both genders was one good way to demonstrate hippie/radical/green cred. :(</p>
<p>Cobrat, your NEU friend doesn’t have any greater insight into the situation just because he went to NEU -and your recurrent themes of “people do things to get a rise out of others” and “Oberlin, non conformist place where you better have the right cred” have nothing to do with the OP, because she’s not taking showers to get at the roommate somehow.</p>
<p>I think a 1 am shower is unreasonable and inconsiderate, and the very fact that it’s a private bathroom means she has access to it at other times of day. And “what if it were 7 am” is a red herring. Making noise while getting up and getting ready is different from making noise in the middle of the night.</p>
<p>Having raised three boys I do appreciate Cobrat’s humor. But I must admit I am thrilled that the Axe generation has moved on to Acqua di Gio and other better smells than BO and Axe. Axe is a phase that I went through 3 times and am glad I will never go through again.</p>
<p>My H is in an on-call medical profession in which he often gets phone calls all night long and he often has to get up, get dressed and leave in a big hurry. I’m used to it because that’s the life he signed up for and after all these years, I can mostly sleep through it. Nonetheless, a 1 am shower would indeed be rude and inconsiderate on his part, unless he were covered in blood or somesuch and had no choice, which doesn’t describe the situation here. </p>
<p>Sorry, there’s nothing that says a normal daily shower can’t be moved to whatever time of day. Do you all take showers at the same time each day without fail?</p>
<p>jmnva06 part of all of this is learning to understand how different people react in the same situation. My office is like that. Half the people think it’s too hot, half think it’s too cold. At some point we have to all compromise and agree on what the thermostat is going to be as the facilities guys keep pointing out. Perhaps some will need to dress lighter in the winter and some heavier. There is no “individual right” involved here, it’s being sensitive to each other and finding a compromise. I find it mildly amusing since my H and I argued for years when we were first married about the setting on OUR thermostat and yes, we compromised. My husband sheds a sweater and I add a sweater and the thermostat is on lock down. And as I said earlier it is disturbing thing and what has propelled this thread to so many pages and made it absurdly fascinating (at least for me) is that some people simply don’t understand that basic reality of compromise. The risk is the roommate moves out and the OP’s D gets a less compatible roommate. The reward is they manage to compromise and they know all about each other and continue on in some relative harmony.</p>