<p>I obviously haven’t mastered the complicated etiquette of the Parents Forum.
I’ll let myself out…</p>
<p>A friend’s D (at an Ivy, not that it is relevant) said that many of the international students have family members who stay in the kid’s dorm room when they visit, and who cook their meals in the dorm kitchen. The girl says this is in part to economize on hotel and restaurant bills b/c of the expense of airfare. She’s actually enjoyed the chance to experience other cultures’ cuisines and customs. And, following their lead, now has her own parent stay in the dorm room on visits, rather than pay for expensive local hotels. In your situation, it may be for frugality, but it may also be cultural or even medical–maybe the kid has specific dietary requirements or food sensitivities.</p>
<p>Just read daughter’s school policy on overnight guests - cannot remain in the room for more than 3 nights.</p>
<p>I am going to be the first to say it, it is weird for parents to stay in their kid’s dorm room. Maybe it’s just me, I think it’s sharing too much. If I don’t have that much money, I would either skip the visit or stay in a super cheap hotel. Kids talk and they are judged by their peers. I don’t think there is not one kid that thinks it’s normal for people’s parents to stay in their dorm.</p>
<p>DD had a roommate freshman year who was very similar, although mother did not stay in the room. We wanted to buy a refrigerator for the girls to share and RM said she wouldn’t use it. Mother was very nice, but DD was a loner and had very little money. DD was also a FA student, so not that much $ there, either, but apparently a bit more than RM in a top tier LA college with many wealthy students. I think this made RM a bit uncomfortable. Needless to say, she wound up in a single the next year, with only 2 girls she could even call friends, and when she graduated, only one person clapped for her - her mother. No one even knew who she was. I thought it was very sad, but I think that was what the RM wanted. D never saw her after that first year, and never had any interactions with her. However, D made many wonderful friends and had a great college experience! We found there was no getting through to her, and living with her was VERY difficult for D, but she managed. The next year was SO much better! </p>
<p>BTW, OP, please don’t take umbrance at someone being upset about what they consider bragging. It is just that there are some parents here some of whom seem to brag so much that many of the posters resent it. I understand what you meant - especially at the ivies and top tier schools economics can play a major role in the social life or one’s perception of it.</p>
<p>Oops! my typing got away from my brain - When I said DD was a loner, I meant RM (daughter of the mother.)</p>
<p>Actually, the fact that the school is an Ivy may be relevant because Ivies are culturally diverse places.</p>
<p>Things that seem odd to the mainstream U.S. population – such as not eating the college food or having a parent stay in a dorm room – might seem perfectly ordinary to other population groups.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>It’s not complicated. We simply don’t stomp on each other the way the kids do on their forums.</p>
<p>My D is not an an ivy, but had a very interesting roommate last year, her freshman year. She was in a double. It was a double suite with one bath. Roommate acted as if she was in a single, barely acknowledging D. Roommate would leave unannounced. She would return and retreat to a corner next to her bed, out of “sight,” without saying so much as one word. It was curious when D arrived to move in that the desks were back to back in the middle of the room, with a bookcase stacked on top. Next to them were the dressers back to back. It occurred to me later that this was her way a making it clear which side of the room was D’s and where the boundaries were. She told D that this was the only arrangement that 'worked" in the small room. One day, D arrived back in the room to find roommate had moved out. Seems she found a position as an RA in a private dorm off campus. It apparently gave her the private room she so needed. It was curious. Miss immaturity was hired as a freshman to be an RA. Guess they needed to fill the job. She moved out in Oct. She never even told the RA. When the RA checked D out for Christmas break, checking to make sure the refrig and appliances were unplugged, she asked where the roomie was! Seems roomie had also kept the key in case things did not work out with her job, not telling housing.</p>
<p>Anyway, there are all kinds of students. I agree that this student may be isolating herself at a time when having a network of friends could be a lifeline. But there is nothing anyone can do. If the roommate starts to not leave the room for class, or not eat at all, that in when your daughter would mention what she sees to the RA.</p>
<p>D’s school also has a 3 day rule for visitors sleeping over–after 3 days you are a resident and NOT a guest, and they will charge rent (for the semester.) They do look the other way when a friend from home might come to visit and spends 3 nights in one room and 2 in one across the hall… I never heard of a parent sleeping over in a room after move in.</p>
<p>PS Welcome to the board. You will get used to those posters who spare no words in telling you what they think.</p>
<p>I would advise your daughter to keep doing what she is doing in a friendly and non-judgmental way. There’s no telling if and when the shy girl will expand her boundaries. And, if she regresses, the OP’s daughter may be the only one who will know. If her concerns grow, she should also discuss the situation with an RA so that there is pattern established. I think all roommates should be aware of unusual behavior because some mental illnesses present initially in young adults. This happens regularly in colleges, and sometimes the roommate is the only link to getting help.</p>
<p>I don’t see anything wrong with FLamom mentioning that the school is an ivy. She’s merely putting the situation in context, and she’s right - that level of school can come with an additional level of stress.</p>
<p>flamom, welcome to CC and don’t let rude people scare you off. :p</p>
<p>The reasons are likely cultural, financial, and/or medical. Sounds like your daughter is doing all the right things and handling this well. Actually, the situation sounds ideal – my own kids would have loved having a single room and sharing a bathroom with only one quiet student.</p>
<p>I don’t think there is anything that can be done about this sort of thing. If the other girl doesn’t want to socialize, your daughter cannot force her to do so. Certainly there are other students in the dorm that would love to go out and eat or to a movie or join a school club with your daughter.</p>
<p>Perhaps your D could invite the roommate to dine with her on D’s meal card? If that is rejected, I’d say there’s some issue that is beyond your D’s ability to address, and her only obligation is to keep an eye out to make sure no disaster is brewing–i.e., if the girl stops leaving the room entirely or doesn’t seem to be eating at all, it would be time to report the situation to the proper people at the college. I know if she were my child, I would want someone to care enough to be on alert. </p>
<p>One of my D’s roommates never leaves the room except to eat and doesn’t socialize at all. D extended the hand of friendship a few times and was politely turned down. She’s of course disappointed–it’s always nice if a roommate can become a friend–but understands that having a “neutral” roommate is still far better than some of the very bad situations she could be stuck with.</p>
<p>Oh you are talking about my DD. While she is not at an ivy league, (LOL) she is a vegan , has been for 5 or 6 years. It was entirely her choice. She began cooking from scratch when she was about 10 years old. Cooking helps her reduce her stress. (she self taught the bake from scratch…, I had nothing to do with it as a microwave mama) Her college has a vegetarian/vegan selection in the dining room. It is one of only 5 items served at the veggie station. So she gets bored and cooks in her room. DD has things to deal with cooking smells, exhaust fans etc. DD is also introverted so she does not have vegan pot luck dinners in her room every night like an extrovert might. She goes out to events with roommates and friends, takes walks into town with friends and socializes around events other than food. Of course we think she is normal.</p>
<p>Who the heck can sleep a week on one of those dorm beds?? at our age??? That i know nothing about.</p>
<p>Appreciate all your posts - you have given me several different perspectives (much needed). I recognize that roommates may be the first to notice a problem and I am sure D will be aware - hoping it’s a religious/cultrual thing.</p>
<p>My daughter is an introvert. So I will give the other side of the story.</p>
<p>She is not shy, and is funny and vivacious at times, but needs a lot of time alone. She is in a similar suite, with shared bath, and a small room of her own off the main room where the RM sleeps. Last year, she had a free-standing single, and this new arrangement is sticky for her. She does not want to offend her roommate (who would be in the place of the poster’s daughter) but she really wants to keep her door shut and spend a lot of time alone in her room. This post has me wondering how her RM will react!</p>
<p>Some kids (including ours) have health issues that require them to live a little differently than others, with increased need for quiet and privacy. Or, some just need it. Or, some are writers, or composers, or love to read. My son, who is very sociable, had a roommate who was not, and who rarely left the room. It was fine.</p>
<p>I would not assume that the mom staying there (lots of parents I know do this, if they came from far away), or the lack of attendance at meals, mean anything, other than, perhaps, money issues. Introversion and shyness are not always signs of pathology.</p>
<p>On the other hand, when a fellow dormmate was persistently fixed on food issues, losing weight, and staying in her room, our daughter did end up talking to the RA about her concerns for the girl, who went to counseling and blossomed amazingly by the end of the year.</p>
<p>I think it would be helpful for your daughter to talk with the RA or student services. When I dropped my son off at college last week I spoke to the administrator who represented students with financial, social, and other challenges. This administrator said that her office reaches out to students who may need a greater support system and she referenced students who eat in their dorm rooms due to financial considerations. Her office has weekly meals to support students. Her office offers other support services as well. Your daughter will probably feel more relaxed once she speaks to an administrator who has experience with such situations.</p>
<p>I don’t understand why anything needs to be done. It’s none of your business, not even your daughters. Not all roommates become best buds, or even friends at all-- I’ve had friends with roommates that barely spoke to each other all year long. I will have literally no spending money when I go to school until I get a job winter semester, so I doubt I’ll be able to take many invitations out. Whether or not she goes to mandatory meetings is between her and the school, they will deal with her when they find out. I believe the tattling rule in kindergarten was that unless it was hurting anybody it wasn’t anybody’s business, seems fair enough to me. Your daughter will make friends and the suitemate is not going to matter. You need to not make a bigger deal out of it than she is, you are not the one that has to live with it.</p>
<p>DD also had an “odd” roommate situation. She was friendly and cordial to the roommate, inviting her to join for dinner and even outings. BUT that didn’t last long. The roommate wasn’t remotely interested and barely talked to DD. In the end, they passed like ships in the night…really didn’t speak other than to say hello or goodbye. It was a very tough year for DD who was far from home and making friends. She didn’t feel like she could invite others into her room because she didn’t want to “bother” this roommate. </p>
<p>She was thrilled sophomore year to have a wonderful roommate who she actually could carry on a conversation with. They were not best friends but they did like one another and DID talk to each other!</p>
<p>Since then DD has lived in a house with a group of roommates she truly likes. She is very happy in this living situation.</p>
<p>While the roommate problem wasn’t my kid’s, it did BOTHER my kid. I, however, stayed out of it…just listened.</p>
<p>Just a follow-up on families staying in the dorm room–maybe the housing standards are quite different in some of the international students’ home countries, where large families might share fewer rooms (and more people per bedroom) than we think acceptable here?</p>
<p>Actually, I thought cooking in dorm rooms was not permitted. In ancient times when I went to college, this was considered a fire hazard. We weren’t supposed to have even coffee/tea pots or popcorn poppers. Of course, with the advent of modern appliances like the microwave, I suppose safety is less of a concern. Regardless, I thought that was why dorms have a kitchen area for student use.</p>
<p>I can’t recall a single Ivy which doesn’t require freshmen to have a meal plan. Thought it was mandatory everywhere.</p>