<p>My D invited me to stay with her in her room during parents weekend, and as touched as I was, there was no way I would stay there. D and I get along great, but I felt that the other girls on her floor might find it uncomfortable if I were around. Maybe I made too much of it.</p>
<p>I agree that roommates need to give each other space and respect differences. However, if the roommate’s behavior becomes strange—not just introverted (which isn’t by itself strange at all)— stops bathing, skips class regularly, etc, she should talk to the RA.</p>
<p>"Actually, I thought cooking in dorm rooms was not permitted. In ancient times when I went to college, this was considered a fire hazard. We weren’t supposed to have even coffee/tea pots or popcorn poppers. Of course, with the advent of modern appliances like the microwave, I suppose safety is less of a concern. Regardless, I thought that was why dorms have a kitchen area for student use.</p>
<p>I can’t recall a single Ivy which doesn’t require freshmen to have a meal plan. Thought it was mandatory everywhere. "</p>
<p>Most of the dorms at my boyfriend’s school do not have any kitchen area in the dorms, and I know my residence hall definitely does not. Microwaves are allowed in most dorm rooms these days as long as they meet a wattage requirement. Toaster ovens and hot plates are generally prohibited but microwaves, with a few exceptions, are generally okay. Many students use them to supplement their meal plans.</p>
<p>probably not the case here, but I wanted to chime in with a comment:</p>
<p>Generally speaking, I don’t think it is a good idea for a school to allow a freshman in her first semester in a dorm (she might even be under 18) not to have a meal plan. This is especially an issue if the reason she doesn’t have a meal plan is because she can’t afford one. Who is in charge of making sure she has enough food to eat? the roommate? the RA? Not a good situation.</p>
<p>As others have already said, it seems that the RA or the school’s councelling services should be advised of the situation. It is too much of a burden on your D to have to be astute about monitoring the possible issues that this girl is having. It seems that your daughter has done all of the right things. It just shouldn’t be left to her alone to watch out for this girl. It seems that lots of kindness and several pairs of eyes are needed. Your daughter shouldn’t have to do it alone, or have to deal with feeling responsible if the girl took a turn for the worse.</p>
<p>On the other hand it could just be the SM’s choice and nothing more. It still doesn’t hurt for others who have the training to try and assess this. Just eating in the room but otherwise socializing is one thing. Being alone all of the time seems like an unhappy situation for this girl and she could probably use help beyond your daughter’s capability.</p>
<p>Tell D not to try to “fix” RM. It sounds to me like RM is an introvert. I was pretty introverted as a teen too and I always felt very uncomfortable when well-meaning people continually pushed me to go out and do this or that . . . I felt like if I refused them too many times they would take it as a slight but the fact was I just didn’t want to do most of the things they suggested and I didn’t want to hang out all the time.</p>
<p>Going to an RA is just going to make the RM more uncomfortable and, quite possibly, offended.</p>
<p>OK, this might be a long shot, but is there some chance that the roommate is celebrating Ramadan, fasting every day before nightfall from late August (I think it started around ten days ago) until late September, and is self conscious about discussing this, or religion in general, with the OP’s D who is still a relative stranger? </p>
<p>Particularly since it seems that the roommate’s statement that she doesn’t have a meal plan might not reflect reality for freshmen at this college, perhaps just mentioning the situation to an RA might be a good idea just to make sure the roommate knows what is available to her at the college in terms of social/religious/medical support – if she wants or needs it. RA’s tend to be friendly types who get to know all the freshmen on their halls, so the contact wouldn’t have to be framed as meddling instigated by a concerned roommate, but could just be an extension of the RA’s usual job. </p>
<p>Meanwhile, it sounds as if the OP’s daughter just got herself an ad hoc single.</p>
<p>Sounds like your daughter is doing all she can to include her sm. That is about all she can do, continue to be polite.
When you talk to your D, all you can do is listen and try not to force the issue that it is an odd situation (even though I’m sure your D is already aware it is different!!) It could cause tension between the girls which could end up in disaster!!</p>
<p>OP,
Your D calls this a problem? She is in ideal situation. Very many would envy her. There are many real stresses ahead of her, like everybody else in college. She needs to cool down about this one. I imagine call from my D in situation like this bragging about how lucky she is with her room and roommate.</p>
<p>The fact that the RM doesn’t have a meal contract makes me think the college is well aware of the “issue”–whatever it is–that makes it unrealistic to eat in the dining hall.
There are a LOT of religions–not just Islam–which have dietary restrictions. (If her mother shares her faith, it might not be feasible for her to eat in a local restaurant either. ) There are also a LOT of kids with various food allergies. I’m sure there are other scenarios I haven’t even thought of. However, to me the fact that she doesn’t have a meal plan means that the odds are about 99 out of 100 that the school is well aware of whatever is the issue.</p>
<p>I think it is unusual for the girl to be cooking/eating alone in room with no meal plan at all.
If she were my roommate, I would ask her why she does this. If she has allergies, special diet, religious practices, etc.–especially if she is an international student–then that would
explain a lot. The fact that her mom stayed there over a week is, IMO, very strange for an American student–but maybe not so strange in other cultures. If the roommate seems to be isolating herself in an extreme/unhealthy way, your D should talk to the RA about the situation. My S once had a distressing roommate issue. He discussed it with me, (addiction and related lack of self care) and I was very much concerned about the roommate–and my S. I even thought of contacting RM’s parents, but thought, “Surely they already know. Besides, it’s none of my business. . .” S and others in the dorm tried talking to the the young man, but didn’t actively intervene in his downward spiral. He flunked out and S was relieved to have a single. Still, I feel a bit guilty for doing nothing and wonder if the situation could have been different if more people had “actively cared” about this kid earlier. Sometimes it’s hard to find the line between “caring” and interfering.</p>
<p>At dropoff at school my S and his RM were each asked to contact each others parents if something was happening with the other that worried them. If something was possibly wrong neither I nor his rm’s parents wanted the kids to have any doubt about if contacting a parent was the right thing to do.</p>
<p>I find the not having a meal card statement odd. I don’t know of any school that doesn’t require freshmen living in the dorm to have at least the min. meal plan.</p>