Anti-jokes!! (Since people seem to love my jokes and all.)

College Confidential Community
1

<p>Q: What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A: The Holocaust.</p>

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<p>Q: What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
A: Being raped.</p>

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<p>Q: What did the hobo get for Christmas?
A: Nothing.</p>

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<p>Q: What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
A: Get in the car.</p>

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<p>Q: What's green and has wheels?
A: Grass. I was kidding about the wheels.</p>

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<p>So this guy walks into the doctor's and says "Doctor, it hurts when I poke my leg like this." The doctor says "Yes, you've shattered both your kneecaps. You'll never walk again."</p>

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<p>"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"GESTAPO."</p>

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<p>Q: Why are black people so good at basketball?
A: Because they PRACTICE.</p>

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<p>Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. Though if the ladder is rickety and she needs someone to steady it for her, two.</p>

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<p>Q: What was the pirate movie rated?
A: PG-13 for violence and brief nudity.</p>

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<p>Q: Why couldn't Sally ride a bike?
A: Because Sally had cerebral palsy. </p>

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<p>"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Jim."
"Jim who?"
"Jim Smith... your next door neighbor. My lawn mower just died and my lawn is half mowed. Can I borrow yours?"
"Sure, I'll open the garage for you."
"Thanks buddy, I owe you one."</p>

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<p>Q: What did the blind, deaf, poor orphan get for Christmas?
A: Cancer.</p>

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<p>Q: How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One.</p>

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<p>A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.</p>

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<p>A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called, the duck is then taken to a near by park and released.</p>

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<p>A man walks into a pub. He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.</p>

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<p>A man goes to the doctor's and says "Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!" The doctor replies "Well I'm afraid that is irrelevant now, as you have approximately 24 hours to live."</p>

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<p>Three women are on an airplane. One's a blonde, one's a redhead, and one's a brunette. Unfortunately, the plane was going to crash and there was nothing they could do but jump out and parachute to safety. So the captain said to each of the three ladies, "You can only take one of your possessions when you parachute out of the plane." The blonde says "I will take my watch becau--" But before she could finish her sentence the plane exploded because the flames on the wing had ignited the fuel tank. No one survived.</p>

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<p>Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A: To go and seek counseling or at least some kind of legal advice because her significant other appears, on the surface at least, to be violent and dangerous.</p>

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<p>"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Doctor."
"Doctor who?"
"It's Doctor Samuels, I have some unfortunate news about your son."</p>

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<p>Three men walk into a bar. Two go and find a seat while the other heads to the bar to buy the first round. As he approaches the barman, the barman can't help but notice how well-to-do this man looks. He is covered head to toe in the finest garments and jewelry, he is even wearing a crown, a monocle, and carrying a scepter. In short, all the trappings of a cartoon billionaire.</p>

<p>As the bar man is pulling the pints he remarks to the gentleman: "I hope you don't think I'm prying, but, I couldn't help but notice you seem pretty well off. How, may I ask did you come into such a fortune?"</p>

<p>The man replies: "Well, me and my friends over there found a genie in a beer bottle outside, and he granted us each a wish."</p>

<p>Barman: "So, I take it you wished to be the richest man in the world."</p>

<p>The man puts one finger on his nose, and points at the barman with the other hand, as you would in a game of charades.</p>

<p>Barman: "Not a bad choice at all if I do say so."</p>

<p>The man nods politely, pays for the round and goes over to his friends.</p>

<p>After a while, the second man goes up to the bar. This man is notable only insofar as he can barely be seen for all the beautiful women draped around him, seemingly caressing every available inch of his body.</p>

<p>He orders another round, which the barman dutifully pulls. As he finishes off the last pint he can't help but comment: "I hope you don't mind me asking but, you are a friend of that wealthy gentlemen over there aren't you?"</p>

<p>"I am indeed," murmurs the man from beneath the pile of beauties.</p>

<p>"And you wished to be the most attractive man in the world?"</p>

<p>"Pretty much, yeah."</p>

<p>"Excellent choice sir, enjoy your round," says the barman with the kind of knowing smile you tend to see on people vicariously appreciating the implied sexual exploits of a stranger.</p>

<p>So he shuffles back to the table and he and his friends have their drinks. Not long later the third man approaches the bar and asks for another round. The barman cannot help but notice this man has an orange for a head. But he carries on pulling the pints in silence, until he cannot contain himself any longer and asks:</p>

<p>"You found the genie too, right?"</p>

<p>"That's correct," replies the man with an orange for a head.</p>

<p>"And what did you wish for, if you don't mind my asking?"</p>

<p>"I wished to have an orange for a head."</p>

<hr>

<p>Contribute your own!</p>

2

<p>what's better than swinging a dead baby in circles around your head on a 5 foot rope?</p>

<p>stopping it with a shovel</p>

3

<p>Q: How do u fit 95 jews in a Volkswagen</p>

<p>A: 2 in front, 3 in back, and 90 in the ash-tray</p>

4

<p>Q: Who has a superiority complex?</p>

<p>A: Poseur</p>

5

<p>Q: What did the mouse say to the elephant?
A: Nothing. Mice can't talk.</p>

6

<p>I might be a horrible person, but I laughed at all of these. Loudly.</p>

7

<p>Yeah, I feel horrible but I must say, keep 'em coming...</p>

8

<p>"Knock Knock!"
"Who's there?"
"GESTAPO."</p>

<p>I laughed so hard at that one.</p>

<p>They're all great, though.</p>

9

<p>Q: Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
A: Because she had no arms.</p>

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<p>Q: How are a plum and a rabbit alike?
A: They're both purple, except for the rabbit.</p>

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<p>Q: What did Helen Keller name her dog?
A: Oggkhknmfdsnkmnfdjznfj.</p>

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<p>Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One holds groceries, the other molests children.</p>

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<p>Q: What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A: One is an edible substance and the other is a person who believes in Judaism.</p>

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<p>Q: What did the robot say to the child?
A: Nothing, he malfunctioned and strangled him. Despite the authorities best efforts to free the kid, he was still strangled because robots are really strong. After killing the boy, the robot self destructed and leveled 5 city blocks everyone within the vicinity was killed.</p>

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<p>Q: Why did the paramedic refuse to save the dying child?
A: Because he was off-duty!</p>

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<p>Your mother is so fat that her doctor recommended that she exercise regularly and eat foods with nutritional value. </p>

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<p>Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head." </p>

<p>His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."</p>

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<p>Q: Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
A: She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.</p>

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<p>There's an Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.</p>

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<p>Q: What's grosser than 10 dead babies in 1 trash can?
A: Having your skin peeled off slowly.</p>

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<p>Q: Why did the little boy cry when he sat on Santa's lap?
A: Santa's boner reminded him of his pedophile father.</p>

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<p>So a priest, R. Kelly, and Michael Jackson walk into a bar. They then proceed to molest small children.</p>

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<p>A little boy is going to school when he is stopped by a stranger.</p>

<p>The stranger tells the little boy, when his teacher asks him why he is late, just say Willytop.</p>

<p>The boy looks at the stranger oddly, but proceeds to go to school.</p>

<p>He arrives 5 minutes late, and is teacher isn't that happy. His teacher asks him why he is late. All the boy says is Willytop. The teacher looks at him horrified, and sends him to the office.</p>

<p>Well, the boy arrives in the principals office, and the principal asks him why he was sent down. All the boy said was Willytop. [Yes sudden change to past tense; I didn't write this!] The Principal was so horrified that he expelled the boy from school.</p>

<p>Well, the boy went home to find his parents in the living room. They told the boy they knew he was expelled, but they wanted to know why. All the boy said was Willytop. The parents were so horrified by this that they kicked him out of the house.</p>

<p>Well, the boy is now walking to dark town streets, when he is stopped by a cop. The cop asks him why he is walking the streets alone. All the boy says is Willytop. The cop is so disgusted, that he kicks the boy out of town.</p>

<p>Well, the boy is now sitting in a bar, and the bartender asks him why he is alone. All the boy said was Willytop. The bartender looked at him horrified, but before the bartender could say anything, the boy says "Please sir, I was kicked out of school, my house and even my hometown because of Willytop. What does it mean sir?" The bartender nods, and tells the boy to come with him across the street, because if he tells him in the bar, the other people may get mad.</p>

<p>Well, the boy and the bartender are across the street from the bar. The bartender opens his mouth, but before he could speak, a drunk driver hits them both.</p>

10

<p>"Why did the chicken cross the road?"</p>

<p>"There were obstacles surrounding it on three sides, and the farmer was slowly nudging the chicken from behind. Thus, due to natural instincts, the chicken crosses the road.</p>

11

<p>Just read this one at bash. What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?</p>

<p>Gangrape.</p>

12

<p>^ Omg I lol'd. </p>

<p>Great job, everyone else in this thread; keep 'em coming!</p>

13

<p>Courtesy of Clint Eastwood and Gran Torino:</p>

<p>A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Get the **** out of here."</p>

<p>Family Guy:</p>

<p>A black guy walks into a bar. He paid his tab and couldn't have been more polite.</p>

14

<p>I think it's only a matter of time before this thread gets shut down...</p>

15

<p>Q: Why are the French so good at producing wine and cheese?
A: The craft has been passed from generation to generation for hundreds of years.</p>

16

<p>But this thread is great!</p>

17

<p>Q: Why was the Muslim pulled over?
A: He was driving approximately 20 miles per hour over the speed limit.</p>

<p>Q: What do they call the girl who has slept with over 30 guys?
A: Mary.</p>

18

<p>Q: What's worse than ten dead babies in one trash can?
A: One dead baby in ten trash cans.</p>

<p>Q: What's the difference between a pizza and a Jew?
A: One doesn't' scream when you put it in the oven.</p>

19

<p>eh3322: But those aren't anti-jokes! Those are just jokes.</p>

<p>Geeze man, get with the program. ;]</p>

20

<p>Why are black people so good at basketball?</p>

<p>They are an industrious people who work hard at what they do.</p>

<p>LOLWUT?</p>