<p>I am very worried about my daughter when she starts college this fall. She just seems to have a hard time finding her niche. She makes friends easy enough, but it just does not seem to last. She does not have close friends and often feels left out. She went to a 5week Summer Program at a college and did not have a good time. The college she is leaning toward is 12 hours from where we live. I have been reading these posts and I am not sure who is going to have a harder time…my daughter not being able to make friends or me worrying about it. For those of you who had children who are having a hard time adjusting is this something new? Is this something that you expected to happen? Any advice you have will be helpful.</p>
<p>Yenmor: I’m a worrier by nature so I was in your shoes this time last year. My D has a long “warm up” period so I was concerned about her socially. I talked with her about having to go outside of her comfort zone & we had a number of chats about putting herself out there socially. I had her meet with a psychologist a few times over the summer (she has LDs so it fell under the umbrella of addressing that.) I also made sure that she took part in an optional weeklong orientation that happened before the bulk of the freshmen moved in. It helped that she got to know a group of kids well, before everyone else arrived. </p>
<p>There were things that I totally stressed over that ended up being non-issues (picking freshman roommates, picking sophomore roommates, etc.) She’s nicely settled now. Too bad we parents don’t have future vision, eh?</p>
<p>RobD: Thanks , I am a worrier by nature also. </p>
<p>The fact that you mentioned sophomore roommates makes me feel better. Both you and your D survived freshman year. I hope we have that same experience.</p>
<p>Hi- I didn’t wade through all the posts, but children can have difficult transitions throughout their life .My 30 year old son lost his job , and moved home last November , and is trying to figure out what is next for him .I am a 57 year old empty nester ,and have lost a couple of jobs through unusual circumstances and I too am having a difficult transition to what is next ! Tough transitions are a part of many people 's lives . Having a good support network is crucial , and I am sure your D will get through this with lots of support .Good luck !!</p>
<p>I hope you guys are still around in about 6 to 7 months. It is a big help knowing that things can get better even if there are some bumps along the way. It is also good to know (not just theoretically) that there are other parents who have the same type of worries about their kids as I have.</p>
<p>My daughter, who is a high school senior, has been suffering from anxiety and depression. She has been in counseling for the past 7 months. She will be starting college this fall. She has decided she does not want to go to school that is far away. She has narrowed down her choices to two schools that are within a half hour from home.</p>
<p>I am anticipating that college is going to be quite stressful for her. She is introverted and socially awkward. She is working on her social skills with her therapist. She is very bright and sets high academic expectations for herself. She has made some progress in that area. She no longer seems to get overwrought when she does not get an A on a test or assignment.</p>
<p>Are there any parents out there who have kids with a history of depression and anxiety? How are yours handling the transition?</p>
<p>Hi umdclassof80
Where is she going to college? Are they supportive schools? Good for slightly “geeky” kids?</p>
<p>“Where is she going to college? Are they supportive schools? Good for slightly “geeky” kids?”</p>
<p>She wants to major in computer science. She’s been accepted into the honors program at our flagship university. She’s also been accepted at a medium size state university. She has an excellent chance to receive a scholarship at the smaller university. This is a program for girls who are interested in pursuing studies in information technology or engineering. If she is accepted (they will choose about 18 girls), she can live in a dorm with the other girls.</p>
<p>I believe that due to the size of flagship university, she would not receive very much support and might get lost in the crowd. She has already expressed concern about kids who party. She also wants to live in a dorm where it is quiet. I believe that the smaller university would be a better fit. Plus, if she gets the scholarship, she would receive extra guidance from her peers and mentors.</p>
<p>Both schools have excellent computer science programs. The smaller school has more of a “geeky” reputation since many students major in pre-med, engineering, and computer science. The flagship college has more of a party school reputation, although the kids overall are very bright.</p>
<p>This is a follow up to my previous posting.</p>
<p>I ran into an old high school classmate a few months ago. I hadn’t seen her since we graduated in the 70’s. I’m showing my age! She was very, very bright and outgoing in high school. She shared with me what happened after high school. At the end of her freshman year at college, she went into a deep depression and had to drop out. She went back to live at home for the NEXT 10 YEARS! Her father was a psychiatrist, so you know she was getting excellent psychiatric care. She was finally able to go back to college when she was in her 40’s. I would have never believed it if she hadn’t told me.</p>
<p>Anyway, this really frightened me because I’m wondering if the same thing could happen when my daughter goes to college.</p>
<p>umd,
S, who is a college F, had depression and anxiety issues in HS, esp twds end of senior year. he had been accepted at his #1 choice early, but although he was very happy about graduation and the prospect of college, the period right after graduation with all the emphasis on endings (“this is the last time…”, etc.) was hard on him. we also argued a lot about curfews, responsibilities, etc.
last year i was in a similar boat as you are now: really worried about what the transition to college would be like, if he’d be ok, how he’d do without the support network of home. i think parents of HS seniors, and esp seniors who have any kind of depression / anxiety issues, are esp vulnerable to this sort of worry. like you, every time i heard/read a story about a kid who had had a tough time once s/he left home, i was in a panic. (cc was both helpful and occasionally angst-inducing on this front.) and in retrospect, i probably didn’t do a good enough job of concealing my concerns and my nostalgia / sadness at the prospect of his leaving home (i was always positive about college but this is a kid who’s pretty attuned to emotional cues / sensations).
anyway, last summer he did some counseling (like your daughter he had been going throughout the year, though not too regularly until the summer), and, despite our misgivings, ended up going on anti-depressants at the counselor’s suggestion. i think he was on them for maybe a month before he left for school. the counselor didn’t think he needed to see anyone else while he was at school but did give him cell number, etc. in case of any crisis.
anyway, i am happy to report that he is a happy, well-adjusted freshman who has loved college pretty much since day 1. and although i miss him, seeing how happy he is has helped me let go of a lot of the concerns and sadness that i was feeling.
so, fwiw, try not to be frightened when you hear stories like the one about your HS friend.<br>
it does all work out. your D sounds like she has a really good head on her shoulders and is getting the support she needs. she’ll be great. good luck.</p>
<p>UMD: Please try not to worry too much. It sounds like your daughter has made a lot of progress dealing with her issues. She may be stronger than you think. </p>
<p>It sounds like a school close to home will work out best for her. That will give her the chance to come home for weekends if she needs a break. If she drives, it also presents the option for her to commute if she really has a tough adjustment. A friend’s son who suffers from anxiety issues hated dorm life and ended up living at home. His mother was disapointed, but it worked out well for him.</p>
<p>The smaller, “geekier” school sounds like a better option than the state flagship. I think that she will prefer the atmosphere at that school, and will have a better chance of fitting in.
Best of luck to you and your daughter.</p>
<p>Dear umd,
Ah! We worry about our little chicks, don’t we? Such is parenthood. Your friend’s experience is very unusual. Far more typical is your daughter’s situation: bright kid, some social awkwardness. I am guessing she will be fine, but I agree with other posters that the smaller school is probably a better fit. i like the sound of the engineering program for girls where they will dorm together. I bet that will be a supportive environment. My daughter is a bit ‘geeky’ too, and she goes to Smith. She chose one of the quieter dorms and fits in there very well. They other girls appreciate her brightness and forgive her her social awkwardnesses.</p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>Thanks for everyone’s kind words. I’m a worrier by nature. We, too, had misgivings about our D taking antidepressants. However, after several different therapists all agreed that it was the best thing for our D, we decided to give it a try. Thankfully, she has responded well with few side effects. Her therapist said she will probably have to continue taking them for at least a year. The last thing we want to do is take her off them before she starts college in the fall.</p>
<p>She just found out yesterday she was accepted to an OOS state university. Although she is happy they accepted her, she is not seriously considering going there since it would be 5 hrs from home. There is a chance she may be accepted at CMU, but that is 4 hrs away. We will cross that bridge when we come to it.</p>
<p>My son is well into his 3rd year and we’re starting to see that he’s looking forward to the end. He see’s the light at the end of the tunnel. He has been an excellent student and adjusted well to campus life. He is double major and does work study on campus as well but as he inches closer to senior year, I hear him talking about “can’t wait to be done”. Tired of school. I remember feeling that way myself. Just hoping he finishes strong.</p>
<p>umd - My D had severe social anxiety and depression in high school and was on meds and in therapy. She decided to go half way across the country to an OOS school. The first 6 weeks were rough, but she got through them. What helped most was going to the counseling center and meeting with a therapist there and joining a group through the counseling center. She is now mid-way through her 2nd semester and has already paid her housing deposit for sophomore year. She is no longer taking meds (her choice) and is doing great academically and socially. She isn’t coming home for spring break and will probably stay for her school’s Maymester program. Her growth over the last 8 months has been wonderful to watch. So there are success stories out there too. Best of luck to you and your D!!</p>
<p>Okay, I see a lot of “tell the kid to tough it out” and “don’t respond to their panicked, miserable, frustrated etc… calls” and “well my kid did that, and it worked out fine in the end”, which probably works for 98% of the kids out there, but I’m going to add a caveat here. I’m a mom, as I imagine most of the parent posters here are and I feel that most mom’s have a connection to their children that allows them to know when something is really “off”. If you’re getting that feeling from your child and it doesn’t disappear shortly, I would urge you to follow your instincts and take some kind of action.</p>
<p>Last summer I ran into a teacher that both my children had in their elementary years, but that I had not seen much of as my kids moved on. In the course of the conversation I asked about her kids. Turns out that her middle son, who was one of those socially awkward, didn’t fit in well, no close friends, type of student had gone off to college and started the calls and texts that I’m reading about here. She felt that something was wrong, but everyone said, “tell him to tough it out” and “he needs to grow up” and “don’t bring him home” etc… type of advice, so she gave the kind of advice I’m reading on here, “meet people, do activities, put yourself out there etc…”.</p>
<p>The calls quit and she was relieved because she thought things were getting better, so imagine her horror when the next call she gets was from the hospital. Her son had tried to kill himself, not a “cry for attention try” or a “I don’t really want this to work” but an attempt that by all odds should have succeeded, and it was only by a sheer coincidence that it didn’t. He was away a long time, is home and undergoing extensive counseling, but is still extremely fragile. </p>
<p>The worst thing for her is not that she almost lost him, though that’s bad enough, but she believes that she failed him as a mom. He reached out to her for help, (it appears she was the only person he reached out to) and she listened to others advice instead of following her own gut. And nothing anyone says to her relieves that feeling of guilt. She says she wakes in the middle of the night wondering what she has done to her child. I don’t think that will ever change. The anguish in her eyes and voice was terrible to see, and what could I have said? Probably nothing would have been adequate, but all I could say is “I’m so sorry”. And yes, she is getting counseling too, but I don’t think she will ever forgive herself. (And I didn’t even ask, if her other kids blame her too)</p>
<p>So I’m going to be the odd man out here and say, if you think something is really, really wrong, better safe than to end up going through what she is, so you lose a semester, or your child ends up commuting, or trying again in a year, or at another school, or maybe even deciding that college is not for them, so what, it could be worse. </p>
<p>Yes, I’m sure that this is very rare, as I said at first, this thread probably contains good advice for 98% of the parents out there, but it would be foolish not to consider the possibility that something could really be wrong. I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, the pain she is going through.</p>
<p>As a mom who has just gone through having DS’s roommate be admitted to psych hospital and withdraw from school, I have one suggestion.</p>
<p>If you are concerned about how your child might do, please get the phone number of roommate and roommate’s parents during the move in. This could be done very innocently, in front of your child, as in ‘Just in case I can’t get a hold of DS because his cellphone is dead, could I be a paranoid mother and call you to make sure he’s OK?’ And also make sure they have your number in case they want to contact you. Sometimes roommate might say something to his/her parents that they could pass on to you as needed.</p>
<p>There were times in the last month or so that I wish I’d called DS’s roommates parents but could not as I didn’t have their number. Roommate was seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist so I didn’t push it, and things at this point are about as good as it can be under the circumstances, but maybe things could have been expedited. </p>
<p>So not to be a downer, but setting a safety net in place as much as you can might make you feel better.</p>
<p>My oldest D, one of a set of M/F twins, was extremely shy and had severe anxiety in high school. She missed a lot of her freshman year until we got it somewhat under control with therapy and meds. She improved a bit during high school to the point where she only took meds if she knew she would be in a stressful situation. She did very well academically in HS and could have gotten into any number of 4-yr. programs. However, after doing school visits, she confessed that she was terrified to go off to school and wanted to stay and do local CC. While we weren’t sure it was for the best academically, we agreed that she would do much better socially and stress-wise if she weren’t pressured. She ended up doing 2 years at our CC, with almost straight A’s. When it came time to transfer, she again visited schools. She found that the larger UC campuses really made her uncomfortable. We were trying to stay relatively close to home, but she couldn’t find anything she loved. Finally on a whim we went up to visit a friend who was at a small state school about 8 hours away. The campus had less than 5000 undergrads, was in a small, beautiful town, and she fell in love with it. Fortunately, another friend also ended up going there so they roomed together off-campus with a 3rd girl. Most of my D’s classes were under 20 kids, and she immediately connected with the teachers. She blossomed under this atmosphere, found a local job in her field which she loved, and came home less and less. By the time she graduated, she was so much more confident and sure of herself. She has really matured into a self-confident young woman- shocking if you could have known what she was like before. She now teaches high school (she couldn’t even get up in front of a classroom to do a report in HS) at a continuation high school no less; these are tough kids with a lot of issues. I ran into her principal and he told me that she is one of the best teachers he has had in a long time and connects so well with the kids. She has even been invited to lead seminars to pass on some of her methods for teaching "unreachable " kids. It really has been a success story. At the time we were not sure we were doing her a service by letting her stay home and go to a CC- we were afraid we were shielding her. I guess my point is that not all kids are ready or mature enough to move away to a school and cope with all of the issues. Our other kids have handled moving away with no issues, but it just wasn’t right for this one at that time. I think most of the posters on CC tend to shy away from local cc’s (comm. colleges), and I admit we had always pictured her going away. However I think each of us needs to understand our kid’s needs and limitations and do what is best for them to help them succeed. I have no doubt this D would have been back home quickly if we had sent her off after high school. She is now pursuing her masters (almost done) at a fairly prestigious university in our area- we are so excited for her!</p>
<p>As parents, we have to go with our gut. If we feel uncomfortable, there may well be reason for our discomfort. If you feel your child needs a certain environment, try to steer her in that direction (love takeitallin’s story). If you feel your child will be okay even if you are not certain of that, then let him take the chance (he can always come home after the term/year has ended). </p>
<p>We need to act if we are truly concerned, but we also need to forgive ourselves if we fail to act … hindsight is 20/20, but we do not have the benefit of hindsight before things occur.</p>
<p>Parenting is an art, and we have to just do the best we can do. Coming to this thread for comfort, advice, etc is good … in the end, only we know what is best for our kids … and even then, we may miss the mark on that. Obviously, everyone here cares & is doing the best they possibly can. If things fall apart, please know that you tried your best, which is all you can do. (Isn’t that what we tell our kids? And we do believe it when we tell them that - so believe it yourself.)</p>
<p>I want to thank Austinmtmom and Takeitallin for sharing your daughters’ stories. It’s encouraging to hear that they have blossomed in college.</p>