Anyone else have a child who is having a hard time making the transition?

Parents Forum
341

<p>My DD is having major homesickness. Most of her friends have gone off to college somewhere but her BF is still back home.<br>
They are constantly texting and chatting. She spends a lot of time in her dorm too. I have tried to encourage her to get out and make friends, join a group. I feel she needs to get her mind off of “missing” him so much. It seems as though she feels that it would be disloyal to him if she goes out and has fun with out him.</p>

<p>Any advise?</p>

<p>Sent from my DROID X2 using CC App</p>

342

<p>My D is going to a local university where the majority of freshmen seem to go home on the weekends. My D told me that she thinks that one of the reasons she has made the adjustment so smoothly is because she has NOT come home. She said that the kids who go home every weekend to see family and friends are having a harder time.</p>

343

<p>Dzinegirl, I would venture to guess that your daughter’s BF is not sitting alone in his room texting. He probably goes out and has fun, and that is perfectly normal and not disloyal for an 18-year-old kid. College is such a special time, and these kids are so lucky. They could be doing so much, having such a great time, and yet some of them are struggling socially. I don’t know that there is anything you can do. They have to figure it out themselves. My advice would be to back off, but be there for support. As parents we have to let go at some point, and this is the logical point.</p>

344

<p>I think my son came home too much last year. He did choose this school because he could not only afford to come home if he wanted to, but it was logistically easy for him to come home, either train, plane, or just mom and dad picking him up. He took full advantage of these breaks, and I think it has made it harder for him to deal with homesickness. Now that he’s doing research in his major, I’m hopeful that his professor will demand more of his time and perhaps require him to stay on campus rather than come home, at least for fall break. I know he will need the recharging and the cat tummy rubs to make him feel better, but I would like to see him finally have some alone time to become a little more self-sufficient. My husband, of course, does not agree with this, so it triggers an argument in our household every time a break comes up.</p>

345

<p>My Ds both have navigated the long-distance relationship issue. D1 has finished college; her BF is in his last year now. D2 is just starting out. </p>

<p>They both have had their challenges - D1 said it was very hard, especially the first year. D2 does worry that they won’t make it. </p>

<p>But neither one has limited their social lives because of this. Both feel that getting to know other people, male and female, will just strengthen their commitment … or else it will let them know that they don’t want an exclusive commitment. It’s so rough when relationships are based on fear and insecurity.</p>

<p>But we can’t manage this for them. I think romantic relationships are where parents have the very least input - we can’t win, whether we have positive or negative opinions. I just pretty much smile and nod and let my girls make their own decisions, learn their own lessons. I would only step in if I thought they actually were in danger of being hurt in any serious way.</p>

<p>My D2 isn’t entirely jumping in socially, and she does obsess about how to keep her relationship going, but I know she isn’t texting him constantly. Mostly this is because her BF is so incredibly busy! He also happens still to be in HS, so she has to respect the limitations of his lifestyle, especially during the day.</p>

<p>The general update is that her stress levels remain high, and her coping levels still need to come up. But she’s hanging in there. I loved the story about “We know you can do this.” I am trying very hard to keep that message very strong. I do believe it fundamentally, even when I’m worrying about the details.</p>

346

<p>“…What’s happening to your S is SO common. The amount of work, especially in certain fields is overwhelming…It’s hard to know as academic when to encourage someone to stick with it and when to ask, honestly, is the end result worth all this work to you?.. it’s excruciating to watch.”</p>

<p>“Generally, what happens is that after the first round of exams, … we should have that one way or anther epiphany wrt anatomy.”</p>

<p>Bumping this thread because we seem to be there…</p>

<p>Son was NOT a good student, but really got it in gear in junior year, and ended up an engineering major at his reach. It was not a reach in SAT’s, but a reach in GPA. In every other way, it seems a perfect fit. He seems to be handling it with equanimity, while I am losing it. He certainly does better then I do at distracting himself with extracurriculars and socializing.</p>

<p>We haven’t said anything about him coming home, and neither has he. We all seem to be assuming Thanksgiving will be his first time home, and our first visit since dropping him off late August. He also spent the end of the summer at the same school, and came home for five days before he left again. Anybody think a visit is in order? It’s about a six hour drive, or one hour direct flight.</p>

347

<p>Since you’re the one “losing it”, why not visit him for a weekend? Could do their Parent’s Weekend, which is scheduled around now?</p>

348

<p>It’s in February, but that’s a good way to think about it.</p>

349

<p>I think that a visit would be good for all of you. My older daughter is a senior at a school 2 hours from home, and we generally see her every month or two. She’s had a happy, successful time in college, but she enjoys coming home and having us visit. </p>

<p>I suggest that you visit him. That will give you a chance to see him in his new environment. I’m sure that your son will appreciate some meals out and a break from campus, but don’t expect him to give up a whole weekend for you, however.</p>

350

<p>Ok, thanks! My D is also a senior, but 3000 miles away, so we usually only see her at Christmas, and when we meet halfway for Thanksgiving. But freshman year, HER school’s family day was in October, and we went.</p>

351

<p>I’ll agree that for some kids, in some cases, a visit from or to home is really, really helpful. We almost considered letting D come, even with the expense and the hassle, except really I don’t think it would have been worth it (too much distance/not enough time), and she couldn’t be sure to have a whole weekend clear, anyway. But this weekend her sister is visiting, and in 2 more weeks, I’m going out. She is so excited; I think she is coming around anyway - going off the BC pills definitely helped, plus getting deeper into her work and activities, and just the miracle of time - but this is giving her a really special feeling of excitement. Frankly, she misses us, and her temperament combined with some glitchy disconnects at school just didn’t distract her enough from that fact. And we miss her, too!</p>

<p>Good luck to everyone as they continue to navigate this time. I know we’re on an upswing, but I’m not assuming there won’t be any more “downs.” We’ll just muddle along - kids AND parents!</p>

352

<p>Thinking we might go see son this weekend, and coincidently, D will be in the area for fall break! Maybe we will have a family meal!</p>

353

<p>Sounds lovely, Shrinkrap. Have a great time!</p>

354

<p>I think the biggest improvement in D’s adjustment was “giving up” on dining services and planning and executing her meals on her own. We sent her kitchen equipment and she has a microwave and access to a stove/frig. For her food is important both from a taste perspective and stomach discomfort. She figured out what would allow college to work for her. (Also getting more sleep as the people on the hall are mellowing out- despite it being designated a quiet, study intensive hall noise can be a problem.)</p>

355

<p>They do learn a lot about themselves in this process, don’t they? My D saw square in the face just how she likes to live day-to-day. Some of those things, like food, similar to kinderny’s D, she was able to find within the system she’s living in (exploring the various dining options, and cooking for herself more). Other things, like the fact that she likes to nest and have control over her downtime/environment, she couldn’t change (no singles available) and she is having to adjust a few of her habits, at least for now. </p>

<p>There are other things: she would have liked a more urban, busy environment directly around her, but she didn’t get into the schools like that which had the programs she wanted. She is having to look for the things she knows she really likes, and make a little extra effort to get what she wants - use various transportation modes more, use more energy and time getting off campus, etc. </p>

<p>I also think for a sensitive kind of kid with a little less self-confidence, one of the hardest things to get used to in college is the lack of “measures of success.” Many college classes don’t have any graded work, and kids can’t always guess from their classroom experiences how the prof thinks they are doing, or even if the prof has noticed them at all. Some of D’s classes had early, quick assignments (which I think are great ideas by profs, but not always done) - but she still wasn’t sure how she was doing. Now, with more substantial papers finally having been assigned and returned, she is finally more confident that she is succeeding academically.</p>

<p>I’m more than willing to chalk most of these issues up to her being OVER-sensitive, but some people are like that, and it just might mean a slightly longer adjustment period. </p>

<p>Also, we had an adjustment period of how Mom and Dad can best provide support - the modes of communication and level of contact have really shifted, and we have all been surprised at how hard it was to adapt. I definitely have seen that disappointment and unhappiness can really expand uncontrollably among people who are worried about each other - we had to face that head on. </p>

<p>It’s not enough sometimes just to say “she’s a big girl, she’ll get over it.” Some kids do spiral down, get depressed, end up in serious trouble. Every family’s needle is at their own point on that spectrum. It took us time to find ours, and we have had to be creative, broad-minded, and flexible in helping her through this.</p>

<p>Even though this is our second child to go to college, as with so many people it has been like we’ve never done this before.</p>

356

<p>Stopping by to say hi here…Shrinkrap, I have a bad feeling we may be right behind you on this one…</p>

<p>D is thriving both academically and socially…not an issue…</p>

<p>BUT SHE HAS NO GRADES! sorry for the caps; I am very anxious…not sure, as EmmyBet eloquently puts is, she has a clue how she is doing…midterms are next week and I think I am more nervous than she is…
she keeps telling us she is “fine” but we have heard that before when she has not been…</p>

<p>She has handed in papers but hasn’t revealed to us what is going on…very little communication on this front…</p>

<p>I know that this too shall pass (and maybe we will be pleasantly surprised), but she has some of her own goals that need to be addressed as well as our paranoia…</p>

357

<p>“BUT SHE HAS NO GRADES!”</p>

<p>Trying not to include too much info thats not mine to share, but…</p>

<p><a href=“"midterm deficiencies" - Parents Forum - College Confidential Forums”>"midterm deficiencies" - Parents Forum - College Confidential Forums;

358

<p>^well we will hopefully be notified if we get that…</p>

359

<p>Gee, maybe we need a thread “Anyone else being a parent having a hard time making transition…?”</p>

360

<p>"Anyone else being a parent having a hard time "</p>

<p>^ I always assume that’s what it means when I post or start a thread in the parents forum.</p>

<p>“well we will hopefully be notified if we get that”
^^ YOU won’t get a notice, but the student does. I EXPLICITLY asked outloud during the parents orientation when to expect them. That was my “orientation faux pas”, but I think every parent should have a heads up about when student gets that particular feedback.</p>

<p>My D was kind enough to orient me to that rite of passage in HER freshman year. She was told to drop the class, maybe she was “cut ut” for that kind of class, but being the opositional teen that she was at the time, refused, and ended up with a fairly decent grade.</p>