<p>^^shrinkrap: actually we were told by our D’s advisor that we do get notified if there is an issue after midterms and our D “forgets” to tell us…</p>
<p>^Nice! (10)</p>
<p>I just have to write because I don’t have anyone to talk to, not completely open anyhow. My son plays football in college, well for now he does. He’s a good player but for now has only played JV with 95% of the freshmen and some sophs. He got to school in mid-August and practice was rough and he was really sore (he has a knee condition that flared up). He complained but got thru it.</p>
<p>Finally the rest of th fresh moved in and within a week we were hearing how he hates it there. “it’s boring” " the girls are not cute" “the food sucks” " all my friends are going to transfer" "I want to transfer"etc. Oh yes, the DID change the food company and apparently there have been complaints–he had liked the food when he visited last year.</p>
<p>Spanish has been a problem, he hated it before he started it and insists his marks are so bad he will not be able to pass.</p>
<p>He played great in his first JV game. They only have 5 and the hurricane took one of them away. I thought it would get better from there…</p>
<p>Many of his friends at school are from further away than us. We can pick him up for a weekend without too much trouble, he does still miss the guys who stayed home and the girls and guys still in HS. He has friends at school who can’t get home and who are not as good as he is at football, they see they might not get much time (this is what I think). These are the kids I assume want to transfer and he wants to transfer if they do.</p>
<p>My son is an average student. Sorry to say that part of the allure of college was the social angle. Have to admit that when we visited I saw a majority of overweight, very plain girls. NOT his type. </p>
<p>He thought he like the small campus when he visited. I guess the tradeoff of being close to everything didn’t payoff against there not being a lot to do and not a ton of new people. His HS had 1300 students and this school is about 1600 undergrad. I think the football coach really sold the school well and he had a good time on his overnight. I didn’t think he was a small school boy, but he picked it.</p>
<p>The cherry on my unhappiness is that he developed a hematoma on his ear. This is common in wrestling (not football) and is called cauliflower ear. It had to be drained so when he was home we had the E-room do it. It came back so he had the school doc do it. It came back so I sent him to a specialist up there. That was Thurs and the doc said he shouldn’t play football on Sunday, so he missed his game (they only have 4). Then he had to go back yesterday and they drained and stitched it and now he has bad pain (they stitch thru the area up along the top). He was told not to play again (until the stitches come out). Of course this is the 3rd game of his 4 and now he can’t play. He will go the entire season playing in 2 games. He’s stopped even trying to work out because he only has the one game. He should plan to kick butt at practice and maybe make it into a Varsity game, but missing two JV games makes that a very long shot. There are many many freshmen.</p>
<p>He says he isn’t playing next year. He wants to transfer. He doesn’t care if he goes to CC, even though there is a good Univ near home he could play ball at if he just makes the effort. It’s the school he’d go to after CC anyway. He would have gone to this Univ anyhow but we all thought he should go “away” and this Univ is 20 min away.</p>
<p>I am sad because he isn’t happy. I am sad he is in pain from his ear. I am sad that he might be done football and I know he loves it, but he hasn’t loved the coaching or practices or something and with the injury he isn’t being an active participant. I know if he sticks it out (he will for this year) and plays next year it will be better. We have worked so hard, visiting schools and everything for football and he seems to just be dumping it. We expected so much and feel so let down.</p>
<p>On top of if I have to defend him to my husband. He’s like “why can’t he play, it’s just his ear” Well, I guess he doesn’t think it’s “just” his ear. it hurts right now and the doctor said not to. He’s blaming the kid like he did something to get hurt. It was really a freak thing…probably the helmet rubbed it, nobody knows for sure. He can’t understand why the boy doesn’t like it there. Well, telling him to be happy doesn’t make it so. Forget about possibly dropping Spanish, no way will he take that well. </p>
<p>I am so sad he might quit playing. I don’t mind him transferring. He seems so unhappy there. I feel like I’m in the middle of his dad being annoyed at him not playing. I know Dad is just disappointed and it comes out as mad, but I just don’t know how to make everyone happy.</p>
<p>By the way, he not a chatty open guy. He doesn’t discuss his “feelings”. It’s more just he tells us what he doesn’t like. I want to convince him to at least play well and get on the team if he transfers. He might remember what it was he used to love about playing. Of course he knows the NFL is not his future, so that’s part of it.</p>
<p>Thanks for listening.</p>
<p>You poor thing. This sounds lousy. You seem not sure how much is a bad situation that your S should make the best of and how much it really is a good idea for him to leave, right? Plus an unsympathetic H makes it doubly hard. I think with time there will be clarity with whether he should transfer or not, and how much he wants to pursue football (maybe he loved it at the h.s. level but not so much at the college level). I am sorry this is such a rough time for both you and your son.</p>
<p>He just texted me…Basically I think he is not going to try hard at football anymore this year. I asked him to stay in shape and he says he’s fine for the one game. Says he won’t get in on varsity and won’t be going there next year. I told him maybe he will fall in love or something and change his mind. He said, no, i’m not going to this school. </p>
<p>Should I have him start looking into transfer and just do it in the spring, or stick out the spring? Spring actually makes more sense for football and even academic reasons, but it seems like he should stick it out and see what happens. App deadline for spring is Dec 1. For fall it’s March 1st and he would have a semester behind him to show he can do the work (except for Spanish…which he won’t need at the U)Will a “W” hurt on his transfer?</p>
<p>He was borderline the first time he applied at this Univ (his reading SAT was not good, though writing was). On Dec 1 he won’t have any college grades to submit. It might be better to wait and apply for the fall. He will probably drop Spanish but other grades should be ok. IF the football coach still wants him he might be able to get him in. (he would have for this fall, but son chose diff. school.)</p>
<p>I’m still sad not to have games to go to and knowing we might never again. I hate that he’s spending time at a place that now seems so temporary. I do know it’s had some good benefits. He has had to get himself to the clinic, which he was nervous about the first time. He has had to get rides to 3 different doctors’ offices for tests and exams and pick up his own prescriptions and everything. He’s had to find his own answers when he had questions on his schoolwork. I do know it’s been a good lesson in independence.</p>
<p>My carrot for him to play football if he transfers is that he can live on campus because it is so time consuming and commuting would make it really hard. If he’s not playing he can live back here again, with a job because I’ll only pay for gas to school.</p>
<p>I know it will work out, it’s just not the experience I imagined for him or for us as parents. I think it’s my own disappointment that is bothering me. I like to have some control and I am powerless to change anything…</p>
<p>i’d suggest you don’t do anything for at least twenty four hours. You might even want to hold off on texting him for awhile. If he’s like a lot of teens, time will help you figure this out.</p>
<p>I’m not doing anything anytime soon. What can I do? I just dread telling H that he isn’t playing this week. We were so looking forward to going and it’s such a tiny injury, but it’s enough to keep him out. H will be disappointed but it will come out like he’s mad at the kid, even though rationally he knows it’s not really his fault. I’m just in a really down mood. I’ll have to get thru the next week until the stitches come out and hope S gets clser to acting normal and is more open to working hard and maybe starting to like his school. At least he does have friends! Even if they want to transfer too…</p>
<p>Shrinkrap - touche!</p>
<p>njfootballmom - I really feel for you. It’s so hard when we sense that things have gone terribly awry. I’m going to say something honest, though: I really sense that there is a lot more riding on the football issue than is healthy for any of you. I completely understand when your kid has been in an activity that has meant a lot to him/her and to you for a long time, and there is grief for everyone if that falls apart, or even ends normally. But I do feel that you all need to think about this situation solely regarding your son as a person, with a future life, regardless of whether football is part of it or not. </p>
<p>I’ve had personal experience with how college sports play out in many ways, and I am firmly convinced that a college has to be right for someone even if the sport does not exist. Since you say there is no goal on your son’s part of playing past college, I think this is even more important in his case. But anyone can have a problem with a coach, a change of heart, a career-ending injury, or have something else happen that takes the sport (or any other activity) out of their college experience. </p>
<p>It sounds like your son is doing a lot of thinking about his life outside of football and what makes him happy. I would base your discussions solely on that for a while. Listen to what he is saying about what he’s learned about his needs, wants, and dreams for the future. He has great options, and it sounds like he can pick the one that means the most for his life in the big picture.</p>
<p>And know we are with you as you deal with your own feelings, whether they’re about grieving lost dreams for him, or just shifting an identity you have developed as the “njfootballmom” over these years. It sounds like a very tough transition, whatever happens.</p>
<p>What she says ^-^. He’s in college to get an education, not away at sports camp to develop his skills. Release your dreams and listen to his…</p>
<p>I get what you are all saying, and I do know it. I just don’t want him to lose football for the wrong reasons, mainly because he’s not happy with any of it this year. I don’t think he is miserable at school, I think he expected it to be bigger and better and more exciting than it is.</p>
<p>I hope he plays when he transfers, but if he doesn’t we’ll eventually get over it.</p>
<p>The problem I have posting on this board (problem being too strong a word) is that most of you seem to have really goal oriented studious kids. My S is a decent student. He’s a bit of an underacheiver in that he’ll do what he has to do, and no more. He’s not worried about transferring because of the academics, he’s not liking his social life. I’m okay with that because I believe he needs to be happy with life outside the classroom. gotta go, more later!</p>
<p>Nope- lots of us have intelligent but quirky kids who would rather pursue their own interests than study. Not that they don’t do fine anyway- but we don’t all have geniuses who take 4 APs every year- honest!</p>
<p>Can somebody please answer my question in this link? Thanks</p>
<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/common-application/1220551-international-student-needs-help-application.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/common-application/1220551-international-student-needs-help-application.html</a></p>
<p>I can sense how much pain you are in. It’s obvious how important football has been to your S, as well as you and your H. The realization that it may be finally be coming to an end is difficult to accept. It’s almost like something has died inside you. It’s the end of your dreams.</p>
<p>My D was a competitive gymnast for 13 years. When she was 16, she was forced to give up gymnastics forever due to a spinal problem that she developed. Her life had revolved around gymnastics. She practiced 20 hours a week year round. Her team mates were her second family. It was devastating. I remember hearing a therapist on TV explain that some athletes become depressed when forced to give up their sport.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, college has not turned out to be what your S had expected for a variety of reasons. Luckily, he has options if he decides not to stay there.</p>
<p>I think that you will find that the members of the parents forum will offer you advice and comfort even if we’re not football moms or dads. We all want the best for our children.</p>
<p>Thank you UMDclassof80. I think you are right about something inside dying. We never had dreams beyond college, but we did enjoy going to the games and watching him play. He worked hard and did well, senior year he played both ways the whole game. We will miss those weekend events and the pride of watching him. Of course, this is supposed to be about him but it’s hard. I’m sure plenty of parents had their kids sports end after middle school or high school and they understand. Some hated going to games every Sat and I never understood those people, but it’s been 16 years of sports on the weekend (Since first son was 5) so it will be a change to our schedule that we thought wouldn’t come for a while. </p>
<p>It’s not over yet though so I’ll hope for the best. </p>
<p>It must have been very rough for you and your daughter. A career ending injury has to be tough and I’m happy nothing serious has happened to our son. For now the decisions that will have to be made, to stay, to transfer, to play are what is living in my head. I wish someone could just tell us the right thing to do. (I’m a big ‘what if-er’, drive myself nuts sometimes!) </p>
<p>Thanks for the support.</p>
<p>njfootballmom – is it possible that he is telling you in his own way that he is done with football? Have you talked to him about why he doesn’t want to play? It could be any number of reasons, but I have definitely seen athletes in college sports who had played their sport since age 5, were hotly recruited, had a huge passion for it, and then they got to college and just changed their mind after one year. It could be any number of things, but often student athletes realize that they are working much harder than in HS to have almost no playing time for years and realize that it is no longer worth it to them. I had a friend in a team sport in that exact situation, and his frosh recruiting class consisted of 10 guys from across the nation; by senior year, 2 were left. They were the 2 that didn’t have starting positions, but enjoyed just practicing with the team, going to games, contributing where they could, and having that built in family with a group of guys at school. The 8 others decided that the effort was no longer worth it and was taking time away from others things they found more enjoyable – socializing, research or internship opportunities, study abroad etc.</p>
<p>They say most athletes can handle 2 out of 3 things – school, sports, socializing. He doesn’t seem to want to play the sport and doesn’t like the academic or social life there, so why stay? Why not go somewhere where he can focus on school and socializing?</p>
<p>njfootballmom - we had a very similar situation in our town (it’s a small but supportive town). Our school was state champs the year my daughter was a senior and the boys were recruited by many Div III schools, all but 3 have since transferred for mostly football reasons. It’s really hard to realize that what you did in high school doesn’t really compare to what you can do in college, the competition is much greater and your high school stats don’t really count. So I’m guessing the first thing that’s bothering your kid is that he’s not quite the star he was and that might make him a little bit lost as perhaps that was his identity for so long. (I hope I’m not insulting, just saying what happened to the boys from our town and reflecting it on your son.)</p>
<p>He’s not playing professional football upon graduation so what he chooses to do with his football ability is really up to him, not you. It does sound like he’s made his mind up though and transferring is his best option. He needs to think it he wants to continue playing football at his next college; if it’s a larger school will the team even be interested in him?</p>
<p>He might be going through an identity crises of sorts or he might be having difficulty telling his parents that he’s already decided that his football career is done as aj725 said. Whatever it is, it seems that he is done with that school and ready to apply elsewhere. I do feel for you, we’re only as happy as our most unhappy child and that’s even worse when he’s miles away. Good luck and keep us posted!</p>
<p>njfootballmom - Your post really grabbed me and I can tell how much pain you are in. It is hard when something that has been a part of you might be gone. I too was a football mom. My son played from the time he was 45lbs. It’s a very long story, and this is yours, but suffice to say, when he was 16 he underwent cardio-thorasic surgery for a congenital defect we didn’t know he had until about 4 months earlier. Football was over about a year earlier due to symptoms but that was the finality. He went through about a year mourning period. Here was a kid when he closed his eyes and thought of himself he thought ‘athlete’. Where did he go from here? Luckily a door opened and he found a world that introduced him to his future major, wonderful mentors, and he grew in ways he could not have with football alone. He was always unique in that group because he brought a football ‘team spirit’ mentality to it…it never leaves you. I jumped right in and adopted his new activity just as I did his football.</p>
<p>My son was younger then your’s, but his transition was at the beginning of high school, another pivotal time for young people. Your son will do fine…YOU will do fine. You need to try to step back and really let him take the lead here. He will find activities to fill his time and you can support those. Football will always have that special place, you will always be a football mom, that won’t change. It may sound silly, but honestly my family has a lot of fun with fantasy football teams each year (although my son helps me draft, lol!). If your son decides not to play anymore, you can find a ‘new normal’ that is healthy, supportive, and fun! </p>
<p>Best of luck to you and your son!!</p>
<p>Njfootball, you say that your son was average academically, but sounds like he was a standout on the field - THAT was a place for him to shine and for you and your husband to enjoy that success. That is truly hard to see change. The best times of my child-raising years have been the excitement of seeing my kids out on the field performing in whatever sport - I TRULY loved every game/match, every moment! We do mourn when that is over.</p>
<p>Look into transfer situations but also decide how long he is currently committed to where he is. One semester? To the end of the year? You may be surprised that once he gets past football season he may focus on other things and find some positives where he is at. Are there intramural sports at his school? This is a great way to stay fit (especially for someone who has been so conditioned for exercise and workout) and have the focus be on sports for the FUN of it. </p>
<p>Also as I think I’ve said many pages up this thread, my son who was in a terrible funk at this time last year at his school and in a better spot this year (I truthfully NEVER thought he would survive at his school past first year) admits now that he got in such a negative funk last year that he almost couldn’t allow himself to see anything positive or DO anything positive to turn his experience around. </p>
<p>It’s so early in the school year. It’s painful to experience, many of us know. Make some tentative plans for the future, but also keep focussing on the present - he’s there, he’s at least got this semester to get through - think about what you or he can do to make the PRESENT better.</p>
<p>umdclassof80 - us, too. D1 was a competative gymnast until her knees just couldn’t take it. Between lvl 6 and 7, she fell off the pit bar onto the one area of the floor that was unpadded and landed on her knees. Her patella no longer track they way they are supposed to. There is no surgery or other fix. She continued gymnastics for 2 more years, but with bigger and harder skills, the pain only increased. Giving up the sport was one of the hardest things she’s ever done. I know that pain very well. I imagine it is the same for every kid who identified himself or herself as a gymnast, football player, runner, etc.</p>
<p>njfootballmom-I feel your pain, too. Let me add that in my job (I work for a Student Support Services program at a college) I work with a lot of athletes, many of whom are “average” students who get in because of sports and find they need a little extra assistance to get up to speed academically. First, I want to say that I see many, many kids who chose college as a way to continue playing football. Football is a huge team and coaches have to recruit many players, often counting on a certain number leaving. It’s a very hard thing to make the athlete see that college needs to be a transition OUT of football and into the rest of their lives. Darn few people make a living at football. Even the specialilty coaches have day jobs. This would be my first piece of advice. When your son calms down a bit (maybe after his ear gets better), he needs to be guided to the realization that he needs to pick a school where he’s comfortable academically. Football is the carrot that gets him into school and that motivates him to do well enough in school to graduate (can’t play if his grades aren’t good enough!). However, at the end of the day, he needs the grades, and he needs to make satisfactory academic progress. He needs to be comfortable academically. And then if, for some reason, he can no longer play, he’s still ok at his college.</p>
<p>My second piece of advice is that a lot of kids find college athletics so different from high school sports that they don’t stay in. A lot of players are looking to transfer? Sounds familiar. College sports are brutal. Althletes are pushed hard and are frequently injured. Additionally, these are the best high school players. Not all can be the best college players. Gently point out that the other U may not football utopia either.</p>
<p>Ok, and I don’t mean to laugh, but seriously, the girls aren’t pretty enough? You’ve got a whole host of young women 18-23 and not a one is his type? Sounds like my d when she starts working herself into a deep, negative funk. She just gets ridiculous. Of course, the kids don’t see it that way. </p>
<p>On a positive note, I doubt very much a W will hurt his transfer applications as long as his other grades are good. There are lots of reasons to drop a class and an athlete with a light load doesn’t look suspicious at all. Just make sure the drop doesn’t take him below FT as that can have ramifications on his SAP for athletic eligibility.</p>
<p>To Ordinarylives…</p>
<p>Seriously, the girls were a worry before he went there! A friend’s brother had told him there were no pretty ones. I actually found it to be true on our visit before he decided. Then I looked again when we went for a game. Even the girls lining up for some Greek rush activities were not “hot”. It’s a small lib arts school and there are a lot of pre-med, bio, etc majors. Maybe it’s that sterotype holding true that smart girls aren’t as good looking. (they probably just don’t care about looks because they know brains count).</p>
<p>He is a good-looking well built guy. He likes a certain type from what I’ve seen. He was dreaming of quite the social life in college! I think he was disappointed. Plus, he has a friend at Univ. of South carolina and another in college in Miami. I’m sure between the size and location they are telling him how many chicks there are.</p>
<p>Shallow, but true.</p>
<p>To all those who replied since my last post. Thank you. I think most of you totally get it. I think I was looking for sympathy. I talked to the nurse and she said he definitely should not play this next game. There is risk of infection, suture ripping and getting hit again. Knowing that it not a reasonable choice to try to play makes it a little easier to accept.</p>
<p>I was very sad yesterday but today I’m feeling more normal. He hasn’t said when he plans to transfer and I just hope that he kicks his effort back into high when his stitches come out. Hopefully it goes well and his outlook improves. Still hoping he meets a girl, or that he decides to transfer and attempt one more year of football. </p>
<p>Is it unresonable to talk him into trying it at the school he transfers to? He’d have to contact the coach and see if he’ll take him. As AMTC said, the other school may not take him. It is a bigger school, same level, but has a limited roster because it’s public not private.</p>
<p>Thanks again. I really really appreciate the support and hand holding. Now, can any of you help me make him work harder at spanish!! (someone said they can handle 2 things out of 3–mine would choose social and sports, academics is 3rd!)</p>