<p>Agree about Rice anxiousmom. That is why I was so comfortable sending her so far from home. She really has a home there.</p>
<p>GT, I’m wondering that too - if RA’s are just earning a paycheck by having their role…</p>
<p>S came home last night. The hug(s) from him were wonderful - I think we both felt like “we made it” - 2 weeks! Two weeks can seem like an eternity if things are going the best!</p>
<p>He has been anxious to share info about classes, people, the tennis team etc. Seemed to really embrace just the whole being home, sleeping in his bed - that kind of thing. Surprised me that he was anxious to show me the couple of guys he really likes on Facebook as well as a couple of the “jerks” he has met. 
I am taking all this sharing as a good sign. I think he has tackled a lot and is making his way, maybe slowly, on his own. I am proud.</p>
<p>One thing he did mention to me was that he seems to get along with the upperclassmen better and that they seem to like him more. He has mentioned a couple of classes and a couple of situations where he has found more commonalities with upperclassmen. He is pretty mature academically and in terms of what he wants out of a social situation (for instance he wants to have fun, but doesn’t need to do it at a frat party with a beer in his hand). Just found that interesting. </p>
<p>I still expect bumps - I still expect he will be sad when he has to go back at the end of the weekend. But he will go knowing he made it two weeks, can do it again and hopefully, hopefully, HOPEFULLY, he will continue to gain a better feeling and attitude towards his school and get connected with a few more people.</p>
<p>Don’t worry about upperclass as friends. My S1 had more friends that were one year older (but then because of his birthdate he was literally one year older than many, many of the freshman). He was abit of a wild child in high school so really had the been there done that attitude about some of the freshman craziness. Best thing is they all graduated last year and this year my S is a senior. He says after “losing” many of his friends he has more time to pick up some hours at work and knuckle down on his classes but he’s a senior so very “secure” socially and does have enough friends in the same class. My S2 who has been at college as a freshman one month already reports that he has a couple sophomore friends who live off campus and he “enjoys” going over to the apartment for dinner and to get away from the freshman “fray” in the dorms. For the most part all these kids will find their herd eventually. Unlike #1, #2 was chill in high school but even then had a couple close friends who were several years older that he “ran” with. I think most of it has to do with finding peers that are at the same emotional maturity and interests and numerical age is quite secondary.</p>
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<p>Same here. I feel sorry for people who feel that high school was the “best years of their life.” That’s a lot of life to live afterwards.</p>
<p>Good heavens, if high school had been the best years of my life … I’d have to be in therapy today!!!</p>
<p>abasket – sounds like he’s doing fairly well. For the guys that he thinks are jerks, did he mention why? Is it just a lack of commonality or are they outwardly rude to him? If he thinks they have nothing in common, that may change over time; right now, lots of frosh are trying to re-invent themselves, testing their freedom etc. and in a few weeks/months they may settle down. Lots of athletes tend to have upperclassmen friends from their teams and it seems to be a good thing – they have people who have ‘been there and done that’ and it can be comforting to see that there are ‘normal’ people a year or two ahead of you who are doing well because it enables you to see that you can do well also.</p>
<p>For him “jerk” usually = cocky. He is someone who believes in being very modest about yourself, successes, etc. As much as he has always been very athletic, S is not “jock-ish” and of course, many athletes are and wear it and share it in your face! </p>
<p>I suspect above comments about upperclassmen are true and what he sees. They are more settled with themselves and natural.</p>
<p>Just came across this thread. My son had similar problems his freshmen year. Classes were good but had trouble finding friends and filling the down time. One problem was that he had such a “great” class schedule, that there was way too much open time.<br>
Also, even though he had always been so social in HS and I thought that part would be easy in college, we realized at home he always had at least one friend available. He missed having wing man, you could say, to go out into new situations with. One roommate was a freshman but very content hanging in the room, the other two suite mates were upper class and already had established friends.
The hardest part was on Thursdays which at his more commuter type school was the party night and he had no party to go to and nobody to hang with.
He eventually found some music people by wandering around and following the sounds. There was a group jamming on the roof of a dorm and he started jamming with them. Big turning point!
Once he found “his people” which for him was some music friends, he started being ok. Plus some medical intervention.</p>
<p>I did dread the texts those first months. I did check his facebook status to make sure he had gotten up each day. And I did make him go to the health center. He was so bad that they put him on antidepressants (there is a family history on dad’s side) and he’s continued on them for most of the past two years. That definitely helped also.</p>
<p>One of his friends from high school had his mom come and bring him home two weeks before the first semester finals because he had such a bad breakdown. He ended up going back (8 hour drive) to take finals and then withdrew. Another friend didn’t return to his top UC school after the first year. It really can be quite hard for these kids.</p>
<p>My daughter is 2 hours away. 3rd week. She got caught up in “Rush” even though with her field she was not planning on “rushing”. She did, because everyone else did. She was honest with the sororities, she does not drink or party! Guess what no bids from the 2 she wanted! Now she is devestated and says she has not “friends”! Her chosen major? Musical theater, has already auditioned for 4 groups! Total rejection all around!!! Being her Mom is sooo hard! Help!!!</p>
<p>It will hurt you as much as it hurts her … maybe even more, since you are powerless to change anything for her. But know that she will eventually find her way, and she will have learned that she can overcome challenges along the way. My D had a really hard time at first in college, and it was SO HARD for me. I am only as happy as my least content child, I guess. But she got through it, and now that she is a senior, I truly feel everything happened for a reason. She is such a strong, self confident young woman now … it will happen to your D, too.</p>
<p>S still is not calling but I have gotten a few emails. Last night’s would have been a potential heart-breaker for mom if I didn’t know him so well. He said that he is a social outcast on his floor because he refuses to get drunk and listen to bad rap music in order to attract girls that won’t look at him if he is sober. He didn’t date much in h.s. but did have quite a few girl “friends” by the time that he graduated. In fact, remembering back to freshman year of h. s., he had a tough time at the beginning adjusting to his urban public school even though many of the kids had gone to his middle school. I know that he is very busy and involved in several activities that he is enjoying. The claustrophobia that he is feeling I think will go away. (I think part of that is his campaign to take a car to school next year; he does plan ahead!). So, I am not going to push him to call more frequently; we are both happier when he is not focusing on what is wrong and he is so busy with activities that he doesn’t want to stop to talk. I can wait a few weeks for Family Weekend to get the details that I want to hear.</p>
<p>lotsofquests, much of that sounds like my son as well. I do think kids sometimes miss the freedom of getting out and about (i.e., off campus).</p>
<p>And I don’t care what the statistics say, there are a lot of kids who AREN"T looking to drink!</p>
<p>I know a kid who really was unsuited to dorm life, so much so that he did have to move out after first semester, and his aversion to partying soured him on the whole college experience. After a couple of years at CC, living at home, he is now back at his original U, and commuting (it happens to be 30 minutes from his house). He’s happy, very much on track, and knows what works and doesn’t work for him.</p>
<p>Many of us who enjoyed dorm life found that from year to year we did want more freedom, whether it was a car, or moving into an apartment, or whatever. I guess letting them know that this is a rite of passage or even calling it a “necessary evil” will help them understand that they aren’t expected to love everything about it.</p>
<p>My D spent a year in a dorm with her headboard back-to-back with the toilet area of the bathroom. Every time someone flushed, she heard a “whoosh.” She’s living very happily off-campus now!</p>
<p>And the 24/7 issue is a good thing to understand, too. This is where “rules” like “don’t let them come home” have to be dealt with on an individual basis. My D hadn’t had a problem in general with this feeling - although she absolutely needed to go to school near a city, where she can get off campus without a car and has the whole world at her fingertips - but when she studied abroad and lived in research camps she found it extremely exhausting never have time “away.” Although she adored last semester, she’s much relieved to be back in a “regular” school situation, and in her house she has lots of chances for freedom and privacy.</p>
<p>oh dear moser253, how is it going? sounds like our D’s are in the same spot. </p>
<p>they dont rush until soph year … so she has some time to figure that out.</p>
<p>had the activities fair, and the one thing she is really excited about is very competitive. sigh</p>
<p>still struggling with eating alone, etc.</p>
<p>my daughter doesnt drink either.</p>
<p>picklemom – I don’t have any quick answers, but I’m sending good thoughts to you and your D.</p>
<p>thanks dbwes. i appreciate your thoughts. sigh</p>
<p>picklemom & moser253 - wish my D could find friends like yours on her campus! Today marks the end of her 3rd week. By the 3rd day, she was saying that she’d made a mistake, and couldn’t we just get our money back, she wanted to come home. She’s introverted and though not socially awkward, she does find it near impossible to put herself out there. Sobbing phone calls upwards of 6 times a day…I, too, have begun to dread calls or texts from her. </p>
<p>I have given her every suggestion in the book - join a club, sit next to someone you recognize from class…nothing. Poor roommate pairing (BF also on campus) is only aggravating the situation. My D doesn’t party or drink either; roommate is out all the time. Not eating in the cafeteria, subsisting on snacks/mini-meals she has in her room. </p>
<p>Convinced her to see a counselor, and talk to RA/housing dept. about the roommate situation. There are so many options and resources available for her on campus. Her extent of “trying”: After seeing 1 flyer about an interesting club only to find it meets during one of her classes, attending 1 counseling session, and meeting a suggested roommate swap (only to find out that girl smokes, too, like current roommate), she claims she has “tried” all of my suggestions, so NOW can she just come home?</p>
<p>I’m at my wits end. Both she and I realize that she is not emotionally ready to be “away” (only 45 mins. - coming home every weekend is now starting to result in crying jags on the ride back!). She would be far better off living at home and going to CC which would give her time to mature (redbluegoldgreen - I couldn’t agree more, but am torn over whether to ‘force’?/encourage? her to try longer (how long?), stick out the semester or just cut our losses at this point…)</p>
<p>What to do about this semester? I would like her to stick it out until Dec., then transfer. Not sure if we’ll lose money at this point. Do I force her? Would that even be healthy for her? What kind of message would that send to let her ‘quit’ after such a short period of time? Ugh! I am just beside myself over the situation trying to know what the right thing is to do.</p>
<p>SoJerseyMom, wow, I feel for you. </p>
<p>As noted above in my posts, my S is in the same boat as some of the D’s here. While MY mind has visited the transferring issue, I will not bring that up with S and really will not make it an option for this year - I think. </p>
<p>Am I the only one who is starting to wonder if it’s really the school setting or if my S has just decided in his mind that thinks aren’t working out, so they aren’t??? Can everyone really be that unsociable? Does everyone really have their doors closed? Are there really no activities planned that people participate in? I hate feeling this way. I keep trying to be supportive, but will not provide easy ways out. I keep making suggestions, but they time after time don’t seem to pan out for him. His sport is going ok, but since the main part of the season isn’t until spring, fall is an erratic schedule and their hasn’t been much “bonding” with team members.</p>
<p>And, like others above, I’m sure, I dread the weekend and knowing that he also doesn’t really have much to look forward to besides sleeping and doing homework. Blah.</p>
<p>Sorry for the whine, I’m just having a sad mom moment… :)</p>
<p>abasket - I feel exactly the same way! I was very sympathetic towards my D at first; afterall, she is tenderhearted and I knew that it would be a big adjustment for her (she is and really always has been a homebody, even with a very close-knit group of great girlfriends). And with the roommate situation, and a work-study job she really wanted, but didn’t get - I feel her pain acutely. </p>
<p>But (and even the counselor said this after meeting with her), I feel like she has made up her mind that she hates it and nothing she does will help (short of coming home) and that is starting to make me angry! If I felt she had truly TRIED and was still completely miserable, I would have an easier time considering ‘allowing’ her to drop out now and enroll in CC in Jan. </p>
<p>Ay-yi-yi!</p>
<p>So sorry about the transition difficulties. We were in the same boat last year. D2, who is very much a homebody, had problems being at her school within hours of arriving…mostly relatedd to playing a school sport. We had lots of daily calls and it was heartbreaking for all of us. We were able to keep her there as we told her she had to stay for the semester if she had any hopes of transferring and that she had to be in charge of the application process. We visited as much as we could to see her games and I sent cards, care pkgs and made suggestions to reach out to others. She was not depressed and focused on her grades and began the transfer applications on her own. She decided not to transfer after Holiday break but would do so for her sophomore year. It was a tough, lonely year as she struggled with teammates who repeatedly got picked up and cited for drinking. She did not reach out to other students but did join Athletes in Action which helped a little. She came home a lot after her sport season was over and she was over 5 hrs away! This year she is at a school very close to home and is ecstatic to be there! She loves it and has become involved with so many campus activities. Sometimes it is fit and they know they don’t belong there. My neighbor has 3 children, 2 girls and a boy. All 3 were miserable for the first year at their respective universites but all 3 returned and loved their schools. Sometimes it is just making the adjustment. I was so bothered by D2’s unhappiness that I couldn’t see straight but after having some frank discussions with her about finances and future success she settled in to doing the best she could in that situation. Give your kids some more time but know that transferring is not the end of the world.</p>