@mamom. I should have known that… My daughter has non verbal learning disorder and executive function is a big factor. She has been successful in the past and this included medication which she now refuses. She just refuses to help herself in this regard.
Situations like this are NOT easy. She may have to suffer more, a lot more, before she is willing to get the help she needs.
It’s not unusual for young people to be angry at one or both parents, to blame them, to want the parents to stop controlling them, yet still want the perks of being semi-dependent.
Of course, it’s reasonable to have limits and for there to be a time when the purse strings are cut. I think the tricky part can be not having it turn into WW3, and having the relationship become damaged.
There will always be times when we don’t approve of our kids’ choices or would rather see them make better decisions or take a different path. But if they don’t do as we had dreamed and hoped, and if they continue to make poor decisions, how do we make sure the message of unconditional love & support comes through?
If you are not seeing a therapist yourself, it can be EXTREMELY helpful to have an outside person paint a picture of how your kid might be viewing things. Yes, yes, they might be irrational, lying to themselves, in denial, wrong-headed, YOU as the parent might be right, BUT, the therapist can help you see how the kid is seeing things, you know, the narrative that is running in their head.
That, in turn, can help cooler heads prevail, and for you to decide clearly what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do and still preserve a relationship with your adult child.
Good luck!
Not a parent, but I’ve known several classmates/friends from my old NYC neighborhood and a few colleagues who were in your oldest’s situation who ended up getting cut off from further college funds by parents because they lost scholarships/flunked out.
Sometimes, some kids/young adults need to learn the hard way.
Conversely, I know of a few situations of adults who continue to flounder into their 40s and 50s because their parents continued to subsidize them despite repeated academic and professional failures.
One is heavily in debt because he has never held a job for longer than 3 months without getting fired due to rubbing others…especially his supervisors the wrong way. Though I’ve tried my best to help him overcome his issues, he’s not willing to put in the time/effort to fix himself.
Pretty sad, especially considering he did manage to graduate with a college degree…albeit after nearly 8 years and he came from an upper/upper-middle class background with far more advantages during his K-12 years than most.
The level of blame it seems she is placing on everyone else, coupled with the history you laid out of quitting one thing after another makes me wonder if she has had any type of mental health diagnosis? Bipolar, etc? It may explain a lot if it is a diagnosis for her.
You are not a bottomless pit of money. Consider rewarding success - i.e. Tell her when she successfully completes one semester at school (be CLEAR with your expectations- grades you expect, etc) thatt you will contribute XX to the next semester, and will only contribute if the academic performance is maintained. Good luck.
Agree with several upstream.
- She's an adult;
- Cut off funds; you don't even need to explain this but can say: I wish we could but we just can't. So sorry;
- Offer her endless emotional support (we know you can do this; (when she complains about being short of funds) that's really hard/ we feel for you/ it is a difficult job market but we're sure you can find a good job; you're an amazing person with great XYZ talents; we are here to consult if you wish; please come home for Thanksgiving; and if she yells at you, and she will, just absorb it like Ghandi and let her have her own way of thinking. She will anyway . . . )
- Expect her to get angry with you. That's happening anyway and is not avoidable. FWIW kids being angry with parents at some point in their lives is quite common!
And then be kind to yourselves as parents. It’s so hard to watch your kids take off with a bumpy start, but eventually they will fly. Maybe their course is not what you wish for them, but it is in the end their lives. We have to step back and let them flap their wings on their own, belly scrapes on take-offs and all.
FWIW for my S he was doing so badly in HS that we felt it was in hs best interest to not allow him to continue to college right away. And to let him recover and replenish, and to also mature physically and mentally. The benchmark we set was if he saved enough funds for his first year at community college, then he would be ready to start college, finally. We would pay all of the rest of his schooling once he met that mark. We didn’t expect him to start saving right away but to take a break. Which he is. We also fully support this. He’s also working off 12 years of frustration and anger–based IMO on his experience at school but since parents are good safe targets for anxious frustrated angst, every so often he is letting us know just how anxious frustrated and angsty this all has been for him. Which is also healthy and okay, in my book. And!! Interestingly enough he is starting to “plan” a way to 1) get out of the house; 2) make money for college; 3) find a college far from us and home. All of this is on his own. He has several months if not years of this ahead, but I’m absolutely certain that once he begins to face reality and has actually managed to save on his own the $5,000 for 1 year of community college, he will be ready to attend college, and probably will do well there. As with most parents, we are making things up as we go along, but this seems to be working thus far. Best of luck
@carachel2 She does have a mental illness issue – anxiety at the very least, depression and/or maybe bi polar at worst. She did very well in the past when she was properly medicated and going to counseling. It has taken me and my ex years to even get her back to counseling.
Part of mental illness as an adult is accepting it and taking care of it responsibly. She’s not there yet for sure.
My ex called me this morning and he said the meeting he had with the counselor and our daughter seemed eye opening for the counselor as to the manner in which she communicates with us (all 4 of us including step parents). She apparently showed that quickly.
Ex and I are still figuring it out. We agreed she can stay on my insurance but will pay her own out of pockets — I may do as some of you said and offer to reimburse success in school. Ex agrees danger needs more skin In the game of making some changes. )
I am also wondering if she has Borderline Personality Disorder. That can present like bipolar a bit but more mood swings.
I feel for you. It’s one thing to do the “tough love” if our child is merely lazy, or partying, or immature. It’s a trickier thing to do if they are struggling with mental illness and are not capable of realistic solutions.
^^^^^I had the same fleeting thought (have a close relative with it), but of course, I’m not qualified to do anything more than wonder.
Glad the meeting went well.
I like the idea of rewarding success.
As much as possible, try to make sure a mental issue is addressed. If anxiety is present, make sure she isn’t just getting generic counseling. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (also known as CBT) has the best proven clinical outcomes. Make sure she is getting it–sometimes you have to doggedly pursue it as in speaking with the counselor and asking point blank “Are you doing CBT and if so what is the timeline?” Those sessions need to be weekly and there is usually an end point.
If there is even a thought that she may be bipolar, treatment is essential.
Best of luck and well wishes. Everyone on the same page is a huge start.
Your story is not all that unusual. Many students ultimately discover that college is just not for them. For whatever reason some just are not inclined to want to go thru the process for four long years. It sounds like your daughter is still trying to find herself. It is a path that only she can take. You are right to shut down the college spending. Just be frank and say you all tried that path and it is not working.
She is 22 years old and clearly an adult. Time to make the next step and find her way in life in whatever way she chooses. If she wishes to move back home to save some cash, then so be it. But for you to outwardly be providing her funds at this age is not a good idea.
Good luck to you.
I’m sure she’s also feeling some pressure from her younger sisters starting college and being successful at it. I have two kids who are the same age but very different. One is in engineering and following the program, checking the boxes, making few errors along the way. Her boyfriend graduated, has a very supportive and traditional family; their biggest conflict today is that he’s a Giants fan, she’s a Packer gal.
The other has taken a semester off, changed majors 3 times, struggles some academically and some socially. Her boyfriend is poor and has other issues that doesn’t make it easy for them. She has financial issues at school because she doesn’t have as much in scholarships and grants.
I don’t compare them, but they judge themselves by the other.
Please don’t feel you need to answer this personal question here, but what i’m wondering is this: Did she feel undersupported during the divorce or at some other critical juncture? She comes across as younger than her biological age, as if she is stuck at a developmental impasse and wanting you to prove your support. She just pretends to be a student and an adult. The real energy seems to lie in blaming you and remaining dependent. On the other hand, maybe that’s all a way to save face while dealing with debilitating EFD.
You could invite close discussion about her fears and resentments and reassure her about your love and support despite not being able to provide unlimited financial support (which wouldn’t be good for her anyway and which could in her mind just serve as a stand-in for proof of your love and attention). Her issues may indeed lie in the borderline realm, but in a potentially remediable way if she can process any trauma with your loving support.
Sorry if this is intrusive or off-base.
She could focus on working and paying for an apartment right now. Once she is 24 she might want to go back to school, and might qualify for financial aid as an independent student.
Many of the women’s colleges have special programs, with FA, for older women students.
Smith
Bryn Mawr
Agnes Scott
Mt. Holyoke
A good question is whether OP’s oldest D’s prior academic record of failing/abysmal undergrad grades in 4+ years will serve as a barrier for those selective/highly selective institutions.
@cobrat good point but if and when she decides it’s worth it to attend college seriously (and pull down good grades) she has these options available.
Dear OP - My parents had to give a little tough love to my brother with ADHD under similar circumstances. He did a few years of Community college and then transferred to a State U. After 3 more years, he wasn’t done. My parents said “One more semester” and he just couldn’t finish. They stopped paying. He moved in with a girlfriend, messed around for a few years, and finally went to nursing school and finished. He’s now 40 and an ICU nurse. He loves it! Different every day, some excitement and some down time - perfect for his ADHD mind. Plus he makes a lot of money! I just wanted to let you know a happy ending to a somewhat similar situation. Stay strong! You’re doing the right thing. 
@surfcity @toomanyteens I had the same thoughts about possible borderline personality disorder (it used to be called narcissistic personality disorder). I have a parent who has it and it is a very difficult situation to deal with. Explosive temper tantrums, lack of empathy, blaming others for problems and failures, manipulating family members and/or pitting them against each other, are traits of bpd. If other diagnoses don’t seem to fit, or if the counseling does not seem to be helping to improve the situation between you, your ex, and D, you may want to do some research about the disorder.
I hope that setting some firm limits about what you and your ex are willing to do to support her financially will get her on the path to being self sufficient.
Borderline and narcissistic personality disorders are not the same. They are separate diagnoses.