Anyone have multiple kids in college thriving and failing ;(

Parents Forum
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<p>Just wondering if anyone has multiple children in college or has gone through this process of some thriving and others just blowing it? </p>

<p>Oldest daughter, flaked out of college after 1 semester ;( no matter how many times we offered help or options the love for her bf always trump her ability to invest in herself first...sucked!! She "fell in love with idiot boy", working odd jobs still at 26.</p>

<p>2nd oldest daughter is doing fine 3.8gpa, having fun, partying some, but staying focused for the most part she is a senior and applied to Veterinarian schools.</p>

<p>Youngest daughter who did the best in high school 3.9gpa, 30 ACT, is blowing it royally barely holding a 2.0 and down to 12 hours this semester :( it's so hard to stay supportive when you disagree with their actions, choices, etc. She is sophomore.</p>

<p>Son, Freshman much the same as daughter #2 very good in a S.T.E.M high school is doing the party, party, school, party, party, school schedule and he too is doing poorly compared to high school. 2.6gpa depending on finals was a 3.8 student in high school.</p>

<p>You try hard, support, let them grow, sacrifice, and want better for them and in the end.....you watch them make poor choices. They are all adults to make their own choices for better or worse you hope for better and sometimes get worse ;( Hoped for so much more from the two youngest it's sort of disheartening, at least at this point, hoping for a turn around. Anyone else go through this?</p>

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<p>My two are total opposites but are both doing fine in college. One is very social and has a lot of activities (sorority, hockey, theater) but those habits of never missing class in high school have helped as she got two sets of extra credit points for going to Western Civ the Friday and Monday before Thanksgiving when many others blew those classes off. My other one has always been a studier as things don’t come easily to her. She, too, never misses class and goes for extra help often. She’s always looking for a party, but her school is rather boring and there aren’t many. I don’t worry about her flunking out, but becoming bored and wanting to leave for a more exciting school.</p>

<p>My brother and I went to school at the same time. I was trying to take 18 credits a semester to get out while he would just leave the semester early if he decided to go skiing. I graduated in 3 years and he never graduated (has about 100 credits, just not in a particular major). I think all you can do is set the rules of what you will pay for and what you won’t, and leave it there. One of mine doesn’t like math, doesn’t do well in it, but it is required. She can do it if she tries, so I told her I won’t pay for remedial math. She needs to study for the test and test out of remedial math. Or she can pay for the courses she’s already taken in high school and received B in.</p>

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<p>My oldest is a fifth-year college senior and doing well, despite his mental illness. Then I have one who did not even TRY college. He’s 19. I think he’s starting to figure out that school might be a good idea if he wants to support himself. We’ve told him we won’t support him unless he is attending college.</p>

<p>My youngest, 16, is good at English and history, but struggles in math and science. I’m not sure how she will do in college.</p>

<p>If you could compare their personalities, strengths, weaknesses, etc., I don’t think you would every guess they were siblings! Very different people.</p>

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<p>Yes. And I’m as perplexed as you. </p>

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<p>Curious teenager here-</p>

<p>What’s your parenting style? I have two foreign parents and if I blew it in college for reasons like partying too much and skipping class, they would cut me off financially and kick me to the curb. Many of my friends with foreigner parents agreed that no matter your age and how “adult” you’re considered, dropping out would equal death (and then disownment). </p>

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<p>I know a family just like that. They have two very gifted boys, both with a passion for the same field and with comparable high school track records. The older brother went off to school and did not pass one class his first two terms. I think he squeaked by with the minimum passing grade for the next two, because the school let him come back in the fall–where he promptly failed all of his classes again. He came home and did poorly in community college for a few terms before deciding that he was above all this college nonsense and striking out on his own. He hasn’t been able to hold down a job for more than a few months but still believes that he’s God’s gift to his field. Now, at twenty-six, he’s living in his parents’ basement.</p>

<p>The younger boy profited from his brother’s example and put his nose to the grindstone when he got to college. He sought help when things got difficult and graduated with a solid GPA and good references. He’s been working for a major firm for over two years now, has almost paid off all of his loans, and is being recruited by other big names in his industry. </p>

<p>It’s astonishing to see just how different the two boys are, especially given their similar interests and the fact that they are very close in age. </p>

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<p>Yes, we’ve been there. S1 did very well with no problems. S2 joined a Frat, met a girl and failed out after three semesters (we pulled the plug). We should have stopped at two, but DH thought he’d wise up. His girlfriend finished with a Masters and after a year he went back to a local CC to get his AA degree paying for it himself. He now has a good job, bought a house with his girlfriend and they just got married. I’m sure her parents were worried that she would drop out too. D1 is a junior and doing ok. D2 is a senior in high school this year and I think she will be like S1, no problems. But, how do you know for sure? I think it has to do with their personality and drive, and less to do with our parenting. We had/have the same expectations for all of them. S1 and D2 are very much “don’t rock the boat” personalities. S2 and D1 are more laid back and carefree. It all boils down to we do our best and it’s up to them to take advantage of the opportunities we can give them. You can lead a horse to water, but…</p>

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<p>Not multiple kids in college but multiple college-aged kids, does that count? S was very bright but had no studious ambition whatsoever. Freshman year in a very challenging high school (D1) in all honors classes and comes home to tell me he isn’t doing the 3 hours of home work anymore. Really? My answer: You make As and Bs or no sports. He obliges me lol. Sophmore year he goes to a technical school, problem solved. No homework. Starting V second baseman, starting V football safety (D3). All is good. Junior year, here’s the SAT review book. Never gets looked at, refuses to take the test. Wins the FFA state competition, comes in 3rd nationwide after I insist he attend. Is recruited for MMA and UMass Stockbridge, won’t consider either. My answer: the Monday after Labor Day you are on your own. Your choices include college (and a place to live during breaks), your own apartment and most likely a dead end job, or the military. S calls me on his birthday of his senior year and tells me he has joined up. He’s now going on nine years USAF. And loving it. Works in DC in cyberspace security (E-6 I think?) and his future looks bright!</p>

<p>D built her own library at 6 years old. Has been dreaming about college since before then. Has maintained straight As, never a B (fingers crossed she can make it another two terms!). Academics are her life. Hates sports, prefers Girl Scouts. Can’t wait to go to college. Never gave me a reason to doubt her. I wonder if watching all the arguments between her brother and me had anything to do with it lol?</p>

<p>Two kids, same one-parent household, same rules. Who can explain it? They’ll both do great in their own ways. What is most important is that we raise respectful, kind, compassionate kids. I think I have and I’m proud of both of them, the studious one and the not-so-studious one lol.</p>

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<p>One reason why where you send them to college is so important. Ivy League and its peers graduation rates are over 95%. Unless you’re the next Bill Gates, dropping out is social suicide. At less selective colleges, dropping out or dropping down to part-time and slacking off is normalized.</p>

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<p>ModestCPA…could you provide the data to support your drop down drop out info?</p>

<p>My kids did not go to the Ivy League schools. One school had greater than a 90% four year graduation rate. The other had the close to the same.</p>

<p>My husband went to a low tier school and actually got his bachelors on the 12 year plan for a variety of reasons. He is a very successful person at his career job. </p>

<p>It’s not a race…its a journey…and it takes some students linger to get there. So what?</p>

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<p><a href=“http://chart.univstats.com/2013/02/ivy-league-graduation-rate-comparison.html”>http://chart.univstats.com/2013/02/ivy-league-graduation-rate-comparison.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>I know the graduation rates. But so what? There are plenty of successful folks out there who did not graduate from top 20 colleges…and took longer than four years to graduate.</p>

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<p>That link doesn’t note how many years.<br>
(Not to worry, we all know the standard.)</p>

<p>Both our kids went to a great college with high grad rates. And still, the eve before graduation, D2 was wondering if they were really going to give her a diploma. They did. </p>

<p>OP, what I learned and am still learning, is that the grades aren’t always the measure of the academic education they’re getting. D2’s grades were awful. She was still learning and it shows. Best wishes.</p>

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<p>Four daughters in my family. All went to excellent East Coast colleges, did well, and graduated in four years. We had tons of variation and drama in our lives before college and after college…those four years are the only years where we all did roughly the same thing.</p>

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<p>Those schools have high graduation rates because they select the best students to attend. Graduation rates generally reflect admission selectivity.</p>

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<p>It is hard for me to understand slacking off. I don’t really believe in laziness. Is there something else going on? </p>

<p>Two out of 3 of my kids have shown grit and determination to do college with serious health conditions. One, whose issues are medical, graduated from a top school after 5 years and two medical leaves, The other, whose challenge was a psychiatric illness, left her residential college and is doing some community college, but slowly; she also works as a waitress and participates in a performing art professionally. If it takes her a decade or more to finish a degree, she will certainly not be alone: the majority of college students today are “non-traditional.” She learns better taking one or two classes at a time.</p>

<p>If she can find a path that supports her without a 4 year degree, which is likely, I will support that too. I truly don’t think 4 year college is the only path that is worthwhile, but it can take some patience and ingenuity (from parent as well) to figure it all out. I provide support for activities that may lead to something regardless of whether or not it involves college. My second is interning with a non-profit to build a resume and I give her some funds for living while doing that. I believe that just because she has challenges that make full time residential attendance difficult, she does not deserve less support than her siblings as she tries to clarify her life.</p>

<p>I wonder if your kids have some challenge that you don’t know about or that is undiagnosed. I guess I am naive. I just cannot imagine this scenario from pure carelessness. I tend to be maybe too gentle as a parent and would not be punitive about it, but I would suggest to any capable kid that he or she might leave college until it can be done seriously. It’s such a waste in so many ways, and the transcript will follow them forever.</p>

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<p>I’d guess I’d have to say my own kids are doing fine. One is super driven but the other is more gifted academically. Even though they’re both fine in college, I’m right there with you on the gritting your teeth while they make choices you disagree with. </p>

<p>BUT, in my professional life, I’ve seen a lot of kids with a lot of promise flame out in college. You can’t pick a single reason as what causes each kid lose motivation is different. I can tell you some of the most common that are not related to any sort of health or disability issue:</p>

<p>Some kids kept under a tight reign in hs can’t handle the freedom in college. Their parents have shielded them so much from even the potential of failure by managing their study time, their social lives, their ecs, basically every aspect of their schedule, that they cannot function. By the time they figure out how, they are on academic probation. Or they rebel. Then you see the kids who party their way out of school.</p>

<p>Some kids are burnt out by the time they get to college. They really just can’t any more.</p>

<p>Some kids aren’t as bright as they thought they were (ouch). If those high grades and high test scores were earned with tons of support from tutoring and extra help from the teachers and the occasional extra credit projects and test prep tutoring, well they may not be great indicators of real ability to be successful. You get a GPA drop from hs. However, does the kid need to remain top of the class? Maybe not. Is a B- GPA successful? Yeah. I think it is, unless there’s scholarship money that requires a higher one.</p>

<p>Some majors are just tough. At my employer, the pre-nursing series chews kids up and spits them out. Some places it’s the engineering curriculum. </p>

<p>Kids who don’t know what they want to do flounder. We push and push and push for 18 year olds to pick a major and a career. This is so silly. And, for those kids who can’t do well in what they think they want (see above) or who realize they HATE what they picked initially… not knowing what else to do leaves them a bit frightened. Never mind that coming into college most kids have a really, really limited notion of the vast scope of career possibilities out there. Why don’t we encourage more kids to be ok with being undecided about careers? Or at least encourage them to just pick a field they LIKE and not ask what they want to do with it. They don’t know. </p>

<p>And there are kids who cannot be separated from their loved ones (family, bf/gf). Just too stressful for them. </p>

<p>And there are kids who need time to make the transition in general. The rules are different, and students have to learn them pretty quickly. This, however, is usually a one semester issue. </p>

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<p>Both of our kids have been up and down in college so far. Our youngest son commutes to college, works 2 days a week, doesn’t have much of a social life, just got his first girlfriend who is very very nice and outgoing and has started to change him. Of the three girls we have met including this one, we believe this has the most LT potential as we didn’t really like either of our eldest girlfriends. Has had some problems in his major and had to drop a few classes.</p>

<p>Our oldest son got two MIPs for a drinking underage ticket and another one for buying beer underage his freshman and sophomore year. We didn’t really care about the first one but we did tell him if he messed up again he was done. Has done pretty consistent throughout college- As Bs and an occasional C. Has an On campus job and will graduate in August-will probably have to move home for a bit but should be fine. Both of our kids were very sheltered in HS and one opted to not try anything, while our oldest tried everything too much. Was very into the party scene for 2 years,starting to wean out of it. This is pretty consistent what we see. Our oldests freshman roommate was VERY similar to that previous frat kid mentioned, great kid, girlfriend, dropped out. He and GF broke up and now at 22 he just got back into college after 2 years away. Another good friend of his got very into drugs and failed out of college twice, working dead end jobs and 3 years later isn’t even done with his AA at 23 and is living at home. The one aspect that stinks is one colossal mess up =2 years to recover from it. A lot of kids don’t realize this</p>

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<p>Several ideas occurred to me:</p>

<p>What is S’s GPA in his area of interest or major? He may have better grades in those classes.</p>

<p>Has D3 ever been tested or evaluated for a learning disability? Something’s up here and it may not simply be she all of a sudden became a partier, although that is a possibility. Is she in the right major for the right reason? (I get the sense that many students are studying computer science, not because they like math or CS but because they are told that’s the future).</p>

<p>My own story about college non success:
My siblings and I were high achievers in high school. Top of the class sort of thing. In college (same one for all three of us), my siblings continued to soar. Both graduated Phi beta Kappa. I did not. While I did better than the OP’s kids, I struggled within the large university environment. </p>

<p>One semester I brought home particularly dismal grades - I’m not sure there was an A to be found, maybe more C’s than B’s. My mother took a look at it, asks “Are you having any fun?” I said, “no! I’m not! It’s not fun to study hard, still not understand anything and get these grades.” Her answer? “Too bad, with these grades you should at least be having fun.” </p>

<p>There is something to be said about my mother’s attitude. If the students are generally happy in their college, not getting 3.8 but maybe floats between 2.6 and 3.5, then that’s probably better than being stressed and unhappy with similar grades. I’m not saying parents should be happy with a 2.6; just saying things could be a lot worse. FWIW, despite graduating with a sub 3.0, I worked, went to grad school (performing much better at a school I picked) and now, in general, lead a comfortable life. College was definitely my low point but that didn’t stop me from moving forward and upward.</p>

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<p>Oldest DD has aged us greatly, yet in middle school and early HS she was great. However, she found her EC’s much more satisfying than her classes. </p>

<p>Barely passed her first year of college, undecided, commuter. I knew she would not manage a 4 yr college. SHE was not happy we wouldn’t be able to pay for one anyway. She would have partied and failed. I looked at all 2 yr programs that would have a decent income upon graduation and suggested a PTA program. Grades were a deterrent, plus it was highly competitive.</p>

<p>She got into one program off a wait list. She started out ok, but it is very hard and very intense. She is also involved w/ a 33 yr old guy, currently in jail, so another distraction for her, and absolute horror for us. </p>

<p>However, the one good thing, is she wants to do well in school so she can move out and move in with him. (he is not allowed in our home) I am hoping he goes to state prison, so she can ultimately drop him. However, I will not pay one single penny for next semesters tuition if she is not making the grades. If that happens, she will have to get a job, or see if she can join the military. I have 2 other kids where those limited funds can be applied.</p>

<p>Everyone in the family is dumbfounded by her actions, as she always seemed to have such a good head on her shoulders. </p>

<p>DS is top % of his HS class, currently accepted to UA with full tuition scholarship. I worry about him socially, as he is youngest in class and young for his age, so hopefully doesn’t get overwhelmed in college. So I am concerned but I don’t expect anything like his sister. Willing to take on more debt than anticipated as I know he is capable of great things.</p>

<p>Youngest is also very bright, excellent writer, but does well enough in math and sciences that I am encouraging her to consider STEM careers. Again, I am not willing or able to pay for a college degree that does not result in a great ROI. She is a real question as she has run the gamut from doing poorly because she didn’t feel like applying herself to excelling when she wants to. </p>

<p>I have told the younger two that their sister was the test case, so they know what our expectations are where they are concerned. Apply themselves and do well, or no college and they can get jobs and plan on moving out. There will be no kids living in our basement.</p>