Does your res life have a policy for overnight guests? I know some schools limit overnight guests visits to 2 or 3 nights. I think if you give into this arrangement your roommate will eventually take advantage of the situation. She will get comfortable and any agreed compromise is out the window. This will not end well especially when it seems your RA is on the side of your roommate. Doesn’t seem to have much objectivity. What kind of RA encourages extended visits by non students? I would think she would try to discourage this especially in light of safety concerns and liability for the university.
My children’s colleges had a rule that the roommate had to consent to an overnight guest.
The policy is that a person can have a guest over for at most 3 nights, given that the other roommates have given their consent. In my roommate agreement with my roommate, we agreed on no overnight male guests, but now her mind has changed.
Well, that’s too bad for her. YOU are in the right.
Talk to Res Life directly about this situation. It sounds like to me the RA is going beyond her power, to force this situation. In my experience, the roommate with the bf changed rooms to a single, not the poor roommate who lived with them.
My advice, either she moves out or you. My freshman year roommate, has a similar type of person to yours. She did everything her bf told her to do. If bf had a friend from home as his roommate. She wanted it but got me. She even changed her college choice late (June) to be closer to him. And after our fresh year transferred to his college. She used her friends on our floor to help her and chase me out of the room, literally. They broke my laptop because they pushed my backpack off my bed to sit on it like a couch. It was on my bed. Right before a huge exam, she decided to pick a fight with me to upset me so i would fail the exam. It was over a “lie” they told about me. they were overhearing conversations with my family and twisting them. So moral of the story, even if you would stay in the room. The RA might be nice cop before roommate was the devil.
I did ultimately change rooms and she did move her friend in to live with her. Who lived closer to her than to me. So in my case it was a plan to get rid of me so she could be just like her boyfriend.
Update: The RA apologized in an email response, and agreed to leave me out of the situation, saying they would only tell me updates to the situation that would be applicable to me as they talk to their supervisors. Thank you all for your advice, it really helped me out.
That is great @leah3018
If you get a chance later, let us know of the outcome.
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First: OP you are right; your roommate is selfish & inconsiderate &, probably, an exhibitionist, & the RA is out of line.
Second: I would take the single versus living with such a selfish, inconsiderate person.
Third: If the single is too expensive, I would suggest using the RA’s room for overnight hookup services as it probably has a private bathroom & more private setting & the RA may be a voyeur.
Glad you stuck to your boundaries…I think that what you were asking for is reasonable. She can have time with him in the room when you are out, but it is your room so you don’t have to have overnight guests of the opposite sex. Also it her problem to figure that out…she can get a single, go to his room, go to a hotel…all of which are NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
I hope the roomate moves out. I personally don’t think the non-student boyfriend should be there at all.
It would be soooo annoying to feel like one’s own room is not homey because when you stop by between classes or want to study in the evening, HE is there.
Plus, there is a bit of a safety issue. What if he gets mad and takes it out on OP?
^^^^yes but can you recognize having him there makes it feel “homey” to the roommate? There are two sides to every story.
I do not disagree that if the original agreement was for no overnight male guests, then the roommate needs to honor the agreement and should not insist that she have her way. But it is ok for the roommate to ask for the contract to be renegotiated and it is ok for her to ask the RA to mediate the negotiations, particularly if the OP is being obstinate. My goodness, can we not have a bit of compassion for the roommate, who’s circumstances may have changed over the past six months. Of course the solution to the problem should fall on the roommates shoulders, not OP’s and she has not right to dictate her wishes. The RA mishandled the situation, but she too was just exploring the various options.
Ultimately, I know that I would hope that my own DD’s would be willing to negotiate a compromise. Even if it is just notifying the roommate in advance when she will not be in the room.
Devils advocate here: But if it was so important to OP to have control over who could visit the room than perhaps she should have requested an all girl dorm or a single in the first place? (Yes I know some schools do not have all girl dorms, I am simply trying to point out that the situation could have been mitigated by OP too)
I appreciate this post, it has reminded me that DD2018 will need to negotiate her roommate contract wisely, she has a long term boyfriend who will be visiting her at college…here’s to hoping she is not randomly assigned to a roommate who would be unreceptive to having male guests.
Ha…no…he’s not a student there. She is paying for the room and deserves her privacy.
@Sunnyschool, well then, I am glad the whole world is so cut and dry for you.
As a parent, the safety issue would be major concern.
Update: A higher up from RL contacted me, again asking to schedule a mediation. I’ve denied the request for all the reasons that have been discussed so far, and I’m waiting.
@leah3018 I understand res life’s attempt to mediate but for the life of me, why? From what you have stated, thiis is an older non student. This is a residential dorm for students. You both have already signed an agreement about no overnight guests. I realize things change but it seems that the school is going out if their way to accommodate an unreasonable extended stay by a non matriculating student. Again, as I stated previously, safety and liability of their paying students should be first and foremost. Thanks for the update. Hope this is resolved soon for you!
@Labegg -
I think the issue here is not that the bf visits occasionally but that he has apparently all but moved in to the room she is paying for. Yes, her roommate is paying also, but she is paying for ONE person to live there, not two.
OP - the only concern I have about refusing the mediation is whether the housing agreement contains a provision requiring you to attend. Please check into that. If you want, I would look into having someone who supports your position with you if you have to participate. Have your points and thoughts written out, at least as bullets, so you don’t forget any of them if you get flustered. I am a trial attorney and never go to court without my points written out, at least in a brief code.
@techmom99…I do not read from the OP that the BF has actually spent the night but the the roommate would like to have him spend the night. It has been in implied others, but OP does not say that…Where are you reading the OP has said that he has “all but moved in?”
OP:
Your advice to have OP have her thought written out in bullet form is helpful. She should be prepared so she does not get flustered!
I think if you are required to attend this meeting with Residential LIfe and the RA, then you should have the right to have your parents call into this meeting.
Alternatively, you could put in writing that you are uncomfortable with this situation and it is causing you stress. There is a safety issue in that the boyfriend is a NON STUDENT and is older. You are a freshman and simply not comfortable with it and any further conversations are adding to your stress while you are trying to focus on your education.
IMO, non-students have zero rights here and I’m not sure should be allowed in dorm rooms.
Unfortunately, YMMV when it comes to RA’s. Being a good RA is difficult, and, honestly, some of them just want to take the path of least resistance. If she can get OP to compromise, they won’t have to deal with a possible room swap/move. Stick to your guns, OP. Too many people get on this site to complain about your exact situation, except they DON’T have the courage to stick up for themselves. I assume the boyfriend doesn’t live in a sewer - they can go where he is, or elsewhere.