I wouldn’t want to write the essay, because I don’t want to give my kids one more thing to blame me for when they talk to their shrinks 20 years from now.
Yes, no doubt. Everything however is relative.Times have changed. What is expected and demanded of our kids to gain admission in to a highly competitive institution is mind boggling. I know I am old, but I only submitted three college apps.Never visited any of the three. As a city boy, no one I knew would go away to college we all commuted. I never stepped foot on campus until first day of school. Who would do that now? Between SAT, ACT, SAT 2s,setting up a schedule of when to take. AP test or duel enrollment? Just navigating the test arena is a chore. Then the cost is so much higher now then ever. As someone said, you really are just protecting your investment of nearly 18 years and hoping to see that investment grow exponentially. Now add in the athletic recruiting aspect, along with official visits, unofficial visits,getting prereads done.Not to mention, most likely you will have to apply ED as an athlete, so entire process is sped up. The entire process is a nightmare. Oh yeah. Then coach leaves before the actual application is submitted. Now what. Circle back with schools and coaches. Thanks to so many of you, I honestly believe that I can do, and know so much more than my kids guidance counselor. Should you not advise, or do as much as you can? I would not make the college choice for any of my kids but I think we can help navigate them into making a wise decision.
Obviously, one can be over the top but to the question, I say yes, all aboard my helicopter.
To your second question, what happens to our kids. They grow and mature. They become very articulate, educated, liberal and extremely independent.Granted the liberal part I could do with out but my wife is very glad to see that. Three of my four kids have either completed school or in school now. One is in NYC, one is teaching near Princeton one goes to school in Vermont.
All are self sufficient and good up standing citizens. As we say in Philly, Trust the Process.
It’s widely accepted that our kids should have their essays reviewed by family or even hired help, which then raises the question about how much of the final product is a reflection of the kids’ life or writing skills. Therefore, I have to believe that admission committees know how to look closely for activities or awards that truly demonstrate a goal, skill, or characteristic that is featured in the essay. Nonetheless, kids that lack access to help in writing a professional-sounding essay are at a big disadvantage. The emphasis on the essay only seems to have grown since writing mine way back when, but at least I have the self-satisfaction of knowing that I wrote mine entirely on my own.
To the question of whether we are too involved in the process, I was far more involved in my son’s application process than my parents were in mine, but college cost $5000/year back then. Even adjusting for inflation, college is a lot more expensive now. Given that I am on the hook for most of the cost of undergrad and grad school, I’m going to watch a bit more closely than my parents did. Also, my parents had 5 kids, while I have 2. They were probably more involved in my older siblings’ applications, but they may have been bored with it when my time came.
I believe it is a partnership from beginning to end.
She decided on the major, together we drew up the list of colleges, and she made her own decision on where to go. Along the way, there was a lot of help from me because, frankly, this is a huge decision that she needed guidance on.
It doesn’t stop there, if ever. I have done a lot of parental paperwork from orientation, as the most recent example. As she goes on in life, I surely will offer guidance and advice for everything from that first job offer to the first car to wedding planning (gulp). It’s what I do. Every now and again she thanks me - that’s my paycheck, lol.
Was I too involved in the process? I am a planner and a researcher at heart, so I LOVED looking for schools, hunting down merit, stalking CC for ideas, reading websites and guidebooks, taking college tours, you name it. I provided my Ds with some websites and books to read regarding the application process, too. They are actually both attending LACs that I had recommended, and I’m not sure my Ds would have considered these LACs without my suggestion. And the only reason I found these LACs was because they were recommended here on CC - so thanks, CC! The fact that I am still on CC now that my two girls are done with the process is evidence that I was way more involved with the search than 99% of parents. I am actually sharing my love of the college search with my HS niece now: just emailed her a spreadsheet of schools to consider. 
It’s kind of crazy, but I love this stuff! Maybe I should have been a HS guidance counselor!
I also completed the FAFSA and Profile for both Ds, and only shared the usernames and passwords with my Ds after the fact. They had no interest in that stuff and had enough on their plates with schoolwork, ECs, and applications, and I wanted to make sure it was done correctly.
But my Ds took control of the testing and application process all by themselves. (One of them was also very involved in the search on her own, too). They narrowed down the lists on their own (with my requirements that they needed two financial safeties they would be happy to attend and I wouldn’t pay for an excessive number of applications), completed the applications all on their own, and arranged for interviews and such, although I drove and paid. Thankfully they pushed back whenever they felt I was starting to get too involved. And while I do continue to check in to make sure deadlines like for the health insurance waiver are being met, they are pretty much on their own now. Thankfully they are organized and driven types; not sure how I would handle all this with a less independent child.
I loved having CC as a place to come and obsess whenever I knew my Ds did not want to discuss the process, so thanks for that too, CC!
I told my D19 that when it comes to the college admissions process my role is to be her secretary and accountant. I put together the master schedule of dates, make travel arrangements, put together spreadsheets of information. remind her of upcoming deadlines so everything is in on time and provide her with the budget. Her job is to the CEO. She needs to do the work, communicate her directions and goals so that I understand what she wants and make the ultimate decisions.
I am the only one who looks at FAFSA. My financial situation is private. There are many reasons why I don’t want my children to know every detail of my personal finances.
I agree about being the accountant & admin assistant. Kid is CEO and author of their app.
Yes.
@intparent has is right! Kid the CEO and parents are administrative assistants
Back when my son applied to Tufts they actually said, you should have someone look over essay and make sure it sounds like you.
The essay is not a writing sample, it’s about getting some sort of insight into what you are like and how you think. Good writing obviously helps, and bad writing hurts, but that’s not the primary aim. At least that’s not what admissions officers said when they came and talked to students at our high school.
I was completely hands off with my kids’ schoolwork. I read and commented on essays, but it was their ideas, their writing styles. I suggested colleges, but the kids were free to add and subtract any college. Older son chose colleges based on good CS programs, younger son had a lot more opinions about what he liked and wanted to do college visits.
I consider myself to be an involved parent, making suggestions and driving him here and there and also discussing his college essays and sitting him down to discuss about investing in stocks etc. But at the same time, I never put any pressure on my kid to get As in high school or apply to “prestigious” college, partly because I never studied in high school and got 3.0 GPA. In fact, my wife got upset at me for not encouraging my kid to apply to my alma mater, Cornell. I told my wife “Our kid should decide wherever he should apply to, and if he doesn’t want to apply to Cornell, that’s fine by me. It ain’t as if Cornell is the only college in U.S.”
The reason I am involved is a little bit different from other people’s reasons. I am involved because I want to share in his experiences and do things together as a family and show him I cared enough about him to spend my time and energy on his stuff even though sometimes I don’t want to. He tells me when he doesn’t want or need me involved. For example, I don’t watch the entire NBA Finals games and instead go over with him which immunization shots he should get etc. This is also because my wife leaves it up to me for this task because she thinks I am better with “pushing papers”. Due to my having been involved in his high school and college endeavors, my kid really appreciates and is thankful to his parents which makes me happier. However, I am really looking forward to having more time to myself after our only kid leaves for college.
@19parent
You have an easier and better paid job than I have. Lol. I told my DS that I am his chauffeur, cook, personal shopper…
Parents who think they could write better than their kids should really reconsider the schools their kids are applying to…
I haven’t seen my daughter’s homework since she was 7- she is totally in charge of all the schoolwork. She needs no help being a good student because she knows the rules of the game that are simple and straightforward - study, turn in all the work on time, etc. College selections today are anything but straightforward and transparent, both admission-wise and finances-wise. While I strongly believe public schools may well have teachers at par with private school teachers (admittedly, many private schools have more challenging curriculum than public’s), when it comes to college counseling, public schools lose big time. So if we as parents want our kids to have the level of support even remotely approaching that provided at private schools, we necessarily need to get involved. For some parents it means hiring private counselors, for others it means wearing the counselor hats ourselves.
I haven’t been involved in my son’s homework since he was born except for one time I describe below. Lol My attitude was if he can’t do homework himself, he should suffer the consequences. However, one time, my kid called me to ask me to locate the homework he printed out in his room but forgot to bring. He said he was about to get a ZERO on his homework which would adversely affect his GPA in one particular class; I almost wanted him to suffer the consequences for forgetting to take his homework but did what he asked. It was funny for a dad who used to skip his high school often to be driving to his kid’s high school to deliver homework.
I do agree that SOME parental involvement – or investment, if you prefer – is necessary considering just how much college costs, and the financial hit it is for most families. I myself researched schools before my daughter started the application process because I’m 30 years older than she is and have been around the educational block. We discussed finances, that she had to have a solid, academic reason for attending a particular school (a cool location wasn’t a solid reason) a realistic list and, if she chose a private, that we’d fund 4 years ONLY. (With cheaper publics where it may be harder to get classes we were more flexible.)
After that she was on her own. And certainly once she committed to a school, we were hands-off. We didn’t ask to see her grades, nor did we discuss her schedule or class choices. That was her business.
makemesmart I have the luxury of being retired! I was able to retire last June when my D19 was starting her junior year. As a single parent I was never able to be involved in the PTA or other parent boards. It has been a blast just spending the year being a chef (as oppose to a cook), travel agent, personal shopper, charity organizer, etc… I would like to say my payment is in “thank you’s” and “I love you mom” but alas, I still have a teenager…
It would be very easy as a parent to just take over the college process and justify it because it gives time for my daughter to just enjoy high school, the prom, her friends, in addition to getting through AP classes, SAT tests and everything else it takes in high school right now. That is why I think it is critical to define roles, clearly articulate a separation of responsibilities, so the student knows what they need to do (like writing essays, choosing majors and college lists). Many tasks like logistics and deadlines, I can do, if for no other reason to make high school less stressful.
I helped the boys craft their possibility lists and thoroughly enjoyed the research. I probably had 20 or so possibilities and each kid eliminated a bunch after their own research and took them on look-sees but they picked the colleges to apply to and chose the college to attend. I helped them do the financial vetting before the applications and handled the fafss/profile for them. I did not review their essays but once they were done and vetted by their senior AP English teacher I did one final proofread for typos etc. They scheduled and drove to their own admissions or alumni interviews for those colleges that did visits or alumni interviews in Michigan.
Helping them get started is, I think, important. If we’re not very knowledgeable this, how are they supposed to be. We had discussions about: what you want to study, what size school, what geography, how important is school spirit / sports, etc. Essentially helped him craft his criteria and then pointed him towards some schools to match. S did all the work (apps, essays, speaking to GC, submitting, etc.) One thing I did to keep things organized especially when seeking merit scholarships was to create a big speadsheet listing important dates and requirements. I printed him a copy, made sure he understood everything, and followed up from time to time to make sure he was on track.
Very different if you’re simply applying to your local state schools (nothing wrong with that). S was interested in a certain type of school (very selective) that required lots of apps all over the place (because of fickle admissions). Keeping it all straight was important. Thought that was the least I could do.
Never even talked to him about his classes or grades in HS, other than to ask “how’s it going?”.
One thing I had to ride him on was following up with people to submit LORs, scholarship forms,etc. That was his first time experiencing adults just not doing what they’re supposed to, forgetting, being overwhelmed whatever. He kept on saying, “Dad, I already asked two weeks ago…” and I would reply with a “no skin off their nose if you don’t get in to school X, I’d ask them again - find a way to do it where you don’t sound like a pain in the ass.”