I saw only one essay (early draft of the one he used because his school CC thought he should share it). I never saw the common app or a decision online.
But boy oh boy did we drive! And book flights. I loved the visits.
I came to CC to find out when decisions were released (so I wouldn’t be asking all the time.)
And I admit, I queued up the first week on exploratory visits so he could talk to his CC at school about his likes and dislikes so she could help him with his list. I was very interested (and anxious ) about the process but had a lot of confidence in the counseling office at my kid’s (private) school and he had a great relationship with the CC who totally “got” him. And it was clear that our involvement, outside of visits and payments, was not welcome, so we stepped back. (And it all turned out okay!)
Yes and no. I was way more involved than my parents, but that was just the way it was back then. Also, one of my kids did quite a bit of dual enrollment as a home-educated student, so starting to think about colleges was sort of a natural extension of high school stuff because some of the credits carried over.
There’s definitely a balance that should be struck though.
I heard someone once use the word “snowplowing” to refer to a type of parental involvement in the college process. And I think that fits my personal experience better than the pejorative “helicoptering.” Helicoptering suggests hovering over the kid, while snowplowing means facilitating – helping to clear the path. That’s what I did.
I didn’t touch my kid’s essays or define the list of schools that he applied to; he rejected several great ones for really dumb reasons. But what I did do, unapologetically, is:
Sign up for the ACT and SAT subject tests, send test scores to universities, register for campus tours, investigate summer research opportunities and present them to him, brainstorm with him possible essay topics, meet with his GC, and go to battle with his HS administrator to ensure that he got the best set of classes. We also did a research project together at home, because he couldn’t find a mentor to step up and help him.
Everything worked out very well. He is happy and on (what appears to be) a great path. I enjoyed myself immensely in the process. It was a chance to bond with my kid – one of the best times of my life.
@musakparent
“I also don’t hear people getting much flack when they pay for a high buck advisor, tutor, essay editor, etc. Some of us are serving those roles for our kids on our own.”
I am sympathetic to this. For example, it turns out that the student at our school who was chastising classmates for hiring math and science tutors never hired tutors because her father has a Ph.D. in Physics.
The college application process is crazy, time-consuming, and expensive. I wasn’t going to let a 17-year-old decide how to spend that much of my money without my input. But it was always their grades, their applications, their essays, and in the end, once financial aid offers were on the table, their decision. My d15 will be a senior in college next year and has navigated her way through college just fine. I have no doubt my d18 will do the same.
I am fortunate with both DS18 and DS20 that they are both very motivated academically. I don’t have to be their motivation. I don’t have to helicopter. Beyond listening to them share what they want to share about their classes and ECs I wouldn’t know much. I am glad they choose to share a lot.
I am their soundboard and cheerleader. I provide perspective and advice but let them make every decision. Occasionally I have been their advocate (thinking of when I talked to a counselor who gave her permission to let DS18 start in honors bio rather than integrated science freshman year). I have helped them research colleges and programs, but have never pushed an agenda or made them apply for anything they weren’t themselves strongly interested in. When asked I have read scholarship essays and gave feedback. In short I am involved and engaged, but I don’t consider myself a helicopter or tiger parent.
A good friend with a rising 9th grader reached out to us this week to ask advice on choosing freshman classes for her DS who by all indications is a very bright kid who excels academically. These conversations reinforced for me the reality that parental involvement (not helicopter parenting, but just being engaged in the process) is a really good thing. What comes down from the little bit of input and advice the HS counselors are able to provide just isn’t sufficient. Way to general and meant for the masses rather than the unique individual. It isn’t a knock on the counselors, in our case they are a great resource, but they have way to much on their plate and are responsible for too large of group to properly advise and tailor a path for each individual student. It is up to the family to take charge of their own educational experience.
Academics are up to the kids but the college application process is overwhelming for a 17 year old, especially when you have to take into account finances. Part of the process is a team effort.
I definitely suggested schools that he might want to visit and I planned most of the visit logistics bc DH or I had to schedule the visits around work. I think it helped to have a parent as a sounding board on these visits. And as we get closer to his departure date, I am happy we had those long hours in the car to discuss college, Netflix shows, and whatever else was on his mind.
As for me, I never saw an essay and only
assisted when asked.
I did research school options and NPC’s.
My daughter attended orientation on her own and has worked with her adviser on her class schedules as well as her education plan.
We discussed meal plans and which one to choose.
This is my daughter’s education and while we have been actively involved we did not do it for her. I can’t want this more than she does, IMO she must be fully invested.
Ha! My mistake is that I was too invested. I did too much. Too, too, too much! My “child” graduated during the recession and never really got the footing to advance. Oh sure, my “child” is working, but can’t afford to live on own. I wouldn’t kick out my kiddo, because I know the struggles and backstory. I love my kid too much, but with this college process, don’t do too much. Failure may just mean your S or D didn’t get into as high ranking school as you wanted, but he or she will still get into colleges. Allow that to happen with doing too much on your end.
Way too invested. I’m an alumni interviewer for my alma mater. Parents actually now come to the interviews and sit at the table next to us; one father actually sat at the table and I had to tell him he was not to be part of it. These kids are so overly coached on what to say and do it is pathetic. My rule of thumb: if mom and dad are there I note that as the very first item in my review to admissions.
That said, I do think it is fine to help your kid with deadlines…but only if you do it WITH them and not FOR them.
Like others, I don’t need my kids to boomerang back home. I love them…but…
So you drop them off at the coffee shop or library and have them text you when they are finished. Never thought of showing up with one of my kids for an interview.
My D16 figured out where she wanted to go and how to make it happen and that was that. I went with her to visit schools, and it was fun. I enjoyed it way more than my H so he stayed home!
My S18 figured out where he wanted to go, and had the added task of getting on a sports team as well as admitted to the schools, but didn’t make the effort like his sister - so I jumped in, big time. They both went to all the AC interviews on their own (mostly Starbucks too!). And I thought the same rule applied to coach meetings, but then two coaches/two different times asked where were his parent(s) - these mtgs were at the schools - I was nearby but not at the meeting. So I went to the next one. Live and learn!
My being involved in the process was necessary to move my S forward in the beginning, and it was pretty intense with the sports factor - I knew everything that was going on. I wouldn’t change it for anything, spending that time with him.
Totally agree about parents going on the alumni interview! I’ve had a couple of parents who asked to participate. Um, no. I do usually offer to answer parent questions afterwards, but they should not be in the meeting.
I made sure that every college to which our kids applied would be acceptable. For our oldest, I put together the list after checking with him about each case. He had no interest in the details of the curricula until the acceptances came in. Of course, he took a boatload of tests, wrote the essays, and so forth, but he appeared to be largely indifferent between the alternative college choices represented on his list (large publics, mid-sized privates, small privates – a list that I mainly determined, after checking with him in each case). He had a couple of safeties in large public universities, each with rolling admission and excellent honors programs, so that he knew in the Fall of his senior high school year that he could attend these two if all else failed. There was no angst, though some pressure to get the essays done in time for the submissions.
Was I too invested? I don’t think so. He was busy enough with school, tests of all kinds, EC’s (debate, newspaper). He did the things that only he could do: his schoolwork and writing the essays for the applications. He was very happy with the outcome [UChicago].
Our younger child made all the choices of colleges to put on her list, most after visiting them. Couldn’t be persuaded to apply to any large publics; only stand-alone art schools. Her main responsibility? Do the needed basic SAT (no need to take subject tests, no AP tests). But most importantly: work on her portfolio, and finish high school in good standing. Her parents’ “involvement”? Making sure she took advantage of summer art programs after 10th and 11th grades to prepare her portfolio – which would be the most critical factor to her admission.
Since she got into all the colleges she applied to, including the one that was first on her list [RISD], the decision was effectively made when that big envelope arrived in the mail.
For our kids, this wasn’t as complicated a process as it could have been, for one key reason. No early admissions, all regular ones. Also, the lists and application strategy were not affected by financial aid needs. While for our older child the state publics would have been very cheap – close to full-ride at one, and ~50% merit award at another – we didn’t make finances a key factor in the search or decisions. We promised to fund attendance at the best colleges they were admitted to. In that way we were quite fortunate, which is not the same as being “rich” – a third of the money came from the grandparents. But the strategic calculations about where to attend did not depend on financial aid.
I am probably on the far end of the spectrum on wanting/expecting independence, but I was pretty invested in where DC is going to college. It’s DC’s first step out of our home and it’s a high-stakes judgement that can lead to tremendous disappointment. I knew too many bitter peers who went to great colleges but held on to a lot of bitterness about where they did not get in. So my number one priority was for DC to be happy about every potential outcome and became a tremendous cheerleader for the foundations/safety schools (especially since I could have renovated the house with the savings).
It’s important to keep in mind that parents are just one voice our kids hear and we are not necessarily the most influential. Their peers IRL and on fora like CC are far more powerful than us. DC did not heed my advice not to retake the SATs after a 1500 and insisted on taking some uninteresting AP classes to boost “rigor.” I’m pretty sure that DC was not very convinced by my salesmanship for better weather and student life at the less selective schools either. But, DC got the message that we would support and celebrate DC’s decisions no matter what.
