<p>Oh, and we had the discussion about financial reality and various options/consequences long before the results came in.</p>
<p>I have had a million conversations with my son and I feel like he’s listening (now). I told him, look, when you pick a college, I’ll support you, but you have to specifically tell me why you want to go to this college (especially the pricier one). </p>
<p>I would recommend if you can’t visit (and that is a barrier for overseas applicants) that you call the university and arrange to see if your child can speak to a professor. I flew my son out to a couple of the remaining colleges and arranged for him to sit in on a class and speak to a professor in the field he wants to major in. I think this was invaluable (and now I think he is more committed to one of the schools). Face-to-face is great, but a phone call can still work. Just brainstorm what you’d like to talk about. I felt the professors were very generous in taking the time to meet with my son and I have reminded my son to thank them for their time.</p>
<p>This doesn’t help the OP, but to bring the point home again of “When do you step in?”…
I have a hs Jr who is in the process of looking at universities, visiting, considering where he will apply. Like his brother we discussed clearly the budget we could afford so if he looked above that there would need to be merit to compensate. All understood. Plenty to choose from. He visited a school that had an interesting program with two years abroad. I gulped at the thought and said look into it but check the cost. He did the euro conversation and r&b was comparable the two years abroad. Okay. I looked further and saw tuition all four years was $20k additional. My heart sunk. I told him I was really sorry but there was just no way we could do it. I was genuinely sad for him. I said we’d defiantly look into a semester abroad. </p>
<p>This is when you step in. Right when you know there is an issue that you would have to take it off the table if they were accepted. You don’t allow them to go down that road of applying if its not going to be on the table for consideration if you have safety concerns, too far, financial and know you won’t get finaid. For schools they may get merit and that’s unknown until decisions they should be given a clear dollar amount of what you will pay. That way when Johnny gets merit at the private dream U and meets the budget there’s no pressure to take the better scholarship at Big State U. If that was the goal then you tell your student they are picking among the most affordable offers upfront. </p>
<p>So, that’s my soapbox, and not intended for the OP, but parents that let their kids apply to schools only later to say “no too far, no too expensive, no you’re taking the biggest scholarship, etc”. All of this should have been done during the list weeding/building process.</p>
<p>My high school valedictorian faced a similar list. He applied ED (EA?) to MIT and was deferred, but hit gold like you in the RD round. I can still say that I don’t know anyone who’s turned down Harvard, even after he was admitted to MIT after the fact. He works for Microsoft now, his dream since 7th grade. Let us know if she doesn’t choose Harvard…</p>
<p>I agree with Glido</p>
<p>If I am havin’ to pay, I am havin’ a say.</p>
<p>My friend’s daughter did four years ago. She got into many top schools including Harvard. Her parents income did not qualify for any type of Financial aid but she got a full merit scholarship to Duke. She went to Duke and now she got accepted to 15 out of 15 med schools she applied including Harvard.</p>
<p>If it’s financially feasible, visit her top picks and yours, or a selection of what you can afford. Also, get her to participate in or at least read the discussions on Facebook or Reddit for admitted students. It’s important for her to get a feel first hand. My son’s idea of where he wanted to go changed when he visited several schools. The one he had planned on for years didn’t feel right to him, while the one he went to was one he said he’d never attend. Don’t do this to get her to pick yours. Do this to help her decide. You might be right, so give her an opportunity to see that. But, also take her to her favorite school or two. My son went to several, though the schools paid for it so money was only a factor in the two I visited with him where they did not pay my way.</p>
<p>Visit the top schools she favors and the top one you favor and let her pick. Don’t try to pressure her into your school, but do be there at all visits to do your own checking and ask her questions. Examples" What dorm are you interested in? Why? Did you notice the sinks full of dirty dishes? Are you ready to cook every meal you eat or pay for it in a restaurant? Do you mind working around others’ dirty dishes? Are you into that video game that most of the kids in that part of the dorm play? If you get tired of it do you think you can branch out? Would you be willing to look at a dorm I saw this morning? There is a cafeteria and a view of the river you’d see when you ate breakfast. At night, you’ll see the city lights while eating dinner. Or, are you willing to brave freezing rain late at night at the bus stop to get to your sorority, or do you feel more comfortable in a different climate or smaller campus? What do you think of the social life? Are there kids you feel comfortable around, who have similar backgrounds in addition to those who are more diverse? How often do you think you could come home from here, and how do you get to the airport? Can you bring your car or will you need to walk and use public transportation? Do you like the food? Did you meet professors in your major and did you talk with older students? Did you make new friends on your visit? How did people respond to you when you stayed in the dorm? etc. etc. etc. You don’t have to give her answers. Just ask the questions without arguing about it.</p>
<p>How would you feel if you were at a college your parents made you go to? </p>
<p>Would you have the same outlook for studies and making friends as you would if you were there because you choose it?</p>
<p>As a Junior in high school, I would say you need to support her in whatever she chooses. My mom’s trying to do the same thing to me and is equally as open in doing it, and frankly it just turns me off to the school even more. Be careful how much you push. I obviously haven’t started applying and I’m already dreading my decision, don’t make it any harder on her. Ultimately it’s her life and future and she has to make the big decisions for herself when it comes down to it. Good luck.</p>
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[Quote*]
How would you feel if you were at a college your parents made you go to? </p>
<p>Would you have the same outlook for studies and making friends as you would if you were there because you choose it?
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@jpm50</p>
<p>In my days, it was a privilege to get your parents approval. Our parents were very strict but loving. My parents approval made a school go up on my list. I never felt they were imposing their wishes on me with regards to school choice. The only point of differing opinion was my major. I majored in my chosen field but looking back now, I know my mom knew me better. I did not major in her career choice for me because I thought that I was not cut out to be in that profession. Fast-forward to today, I wish I had listened to her. The problem then was that I was not exposed well enough to that career and did not have the opportunity to attend career days. Today, I always volunteer to attend career days at high schools so that kids can have access to valuable information.
Most days I wonder if it is remotely possible to attain that dream and go back to school. I still have 2 kids at home.</p>
<p>This is so tough. Our daughter last year did not get into any of her top 5 choices, but did get into 11 wonderful schools. We revisited the 4 schools she liked best from her acceptance list And she still agonized all of April in deciding. We tried not to comment on the process or influence her, but she still couldn’t help but know which school of the 4 we thought was worth paying for (the most well-known and prestigious of her acceptances (gee -I wonder what school that is). She ended up “on her own” choosing the most prestigious of her choices, but ultimately hasn’t loved the school because she hasn’t felt connected to the student body (Altho she loves her classes and professors, the city, the ECs, and she has a wonderful large group of like-minded friends). She wishes she chose and went to the teeny tiny liberal arts school where she was accepted, but that is less of a “name”. She has applied to transfer to other colleges, but thinks she may not transfer if accepted just because she recognizes she has many wonderful pluses at bigger name school where she is now and it’s harder to start over as a sophomore somewhere else. Ultimately she may not be miserable enough to transfer, but she’s still not in love with her school. I have 2 thoughts about her situation. One, possibly she may have been happier choosing the less well-known school. Or two, our daughter may just have second-guessed herself no matter where she went, bc the “name” mattered to her as well on some level. Anyway, good luck to you and your daughter. We tried not to influence our daughter’s choice and tried to keep our mouths shut, but she couldn’t help but know and be influenced by our thoughts. Just be prepared that if she chooses your choice because it’s your choice, she may not end up loving it anyway (which is what we thought would happen) and may have a less-than-happy 4 years. I loved my college so much, it’s hard to watch my daughter not love her college completely.</p>
<p>OP, I’d factor in which school 1) provides neuroscience research for undergrad, 2) high chance to maintain her GPA for med-school application. Top of my head, JHU, WashU, Duke, Columbia are tough places for pre-med grades wise. </p>
<p>You are in such a good position that other factors don’t matter, location, cost, student body (you wouldn’t know without visiting). Personally, I would go to school with real college experience, then move on to med school in urban/vibrant location as an adult.</p>
<p>My kids know exactly how much we can afford to pay without taking out loans. When decisions come in my current HS’er will place them all on the table and compare the offers. There will be affordable in-state options in the mix. She can choose whatever school she wants, as long as the school has the price tag that I mentioned. She will only be applying to OOS schools that give merit aid. So, I have control over the price and she gets to pick the school that falls in the range. With both of my kids needing grad school there is no way that I will take out loans to fund an undergraduate education. If I am paying, then I am part of the selection process. Others will disagree.</p>
<p>I think choosing between Harvard, Columbia and Duke is the real issue. I doubt many of these posters are going to blame you for “making” “encouraging” or “bribing” your daughter to choose H :o)</p>
<p>Brown= She is thinking of letting go because she has the impression that it is a hipster type of school and also is hesitant about Rhode Island. She prefers a more structured curriculum. When she applied, she was excited about the open curriculum, but as her senior year has progressed, she feels like she would prefer a school that allows her to take courses she is interested in, while still having a more structured curriculum, unlike Brown which allows students to completely design their curriculum.</p>
<p>Harvard = She likes the school but wonders if it will be too competitive. She likes being in a competitive environment but she is scared that Harvard will be SO competitive that she won’t be able to have that much fun. But she has been doing a lot of research about Harvard and she is steadily falling in love with the school!! She also likes the fact that Harvard is located in Boston, with 50 other colleges, so they’ll always be young people and plenty of things to do.</p>
<p>Columbia = She’s nervous and excited about New York. Basically, she has mixed feelings about the city. She loves that it’s New York, the Big Apple, the City that never sleeps. On the other hand, she’s worried that she will just be overwhelmed by the city. Also, Columbia’s hospital is not on campus, and as she would like to volunteer there, the extra time would be an issue.</p>
<p>Duke: The thing about duke is that they have such a strong premed advising program and has amazing research opportunities and a hospital right on campus! Also their neuroscience major is quite strong too. However, she is hesitant of the location, North Carolina. She is not so thrilled about what she learned that Duke students go in Cliques. She loves the international mix of her high school where her immediate close friends are multinational i.e. apples mixes with oranges, bananas, kiwis and watermelon in one basket.</p>
<p>JHU: She likes JHU because it has a strong pre med program, but so do all her other schools. However, her brother went to the campus once and he didn’t really like it there and she listens to her brother a lot. She’s also kinda hesitant about their grading system, she’s heard that there is some adverse effects of their grading as well as weeding in premed.</p>
<p>WUSTL: I think the main reason that WUSTL is still on her list is because they gave her a very generous scholarship. I think that if we took finances out of the decision, WUSTL would also be off the list. The campus is quite beautiful though, but she is hesitant about St. Louis.</p>
<p>Explain to me why you think that at 18 she can make a lifelong decision to be premed, but can’t make an informed decision on her own about which of many top schools is best for her?<br>
Or on the other hand – why would you choose a school based on today’s interest in neuroscience and being premed, rather than on letting the school expose her to any number of options in life?
Every family is different, but my view is that any child who has the background and talent to get into the list of schools that Schoolfees’s daughter has ought to be going to college to broaden their world, not narrow down to a profession and worry about which grad school they might get into 4 years from now.<br>
But clearly others have a different notion of what college is for.
Anyway, good luck, and obviously no bad choices.</p>
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<p>I understand this sentiment, as my Dd wouldn’t even apply as an undergrad for similar reasons. She wound up there for grad school, and all I can say is that this fear, while understandable, is something she will get over very quickly during her first semester. My Dd was a TA working with freshman and felt that the students were no different than those at her own undergraduate college, or even the top quarter of her high school. My guess, looking at her acceptances, is that she would fit in rather well.
And if my Dd could transport the town of Cambridge to southern California where she now lives, she’d do it in a heartbeat. What a fun, student friendly place to go to school!
Honestly, it may sound too predictable to some, but I think the choice is pretty clear. But that said, she has to make the choice, and if she decides on Columbia or Duke for whatever reason, I’d support it. Doubt that she will, though. Your best bet is to sit tight and let her come to the “right” decision. ;)</p>
<p>What Moonchild said! </p>
<p>And, you know, maybe take off your Harvard parent tshirt and put it through the washer and dryer. :o)</p>
<p>Two years ago my daughter couldn’t decide between her final three schools and we suggested a family discussion, pro/con lists, etc. to help her. She said she needed us to back off and let her do her own decision matrix ALONE. We all knew her choice should be MIT based on how well it fit her. It was so difficult to wait until she was ready to tell us and she sent the family to the yard outside her bedroom window where she proceeded to put up signs one word at a time saying I AM GOING TO … MIT! I found her decision matrix in her room the other day and it was so clear that MIT was her best choice but she needed to make that decision herself.
BTW - she is thriving as a Sophomore.</p>