Be honest: Would you be sad if your kids decide to forgo marriage/parenthood?

Parents Forum Parent Cafe
61

I hope he chooses to go that route if it is right for him, but that it is a choice. There really are a lot of ways to become a parent if that is what he wants to do. He might marry someone who already has a child.

There is a group of about 50 of us who were the the charter members of a sorority. It is quite surprising to me how many have never given birth but who have somehow brought children into their lives. Several married men who had children and they became stepmothers (and surprising how many had the young children living in their homes full time). Several have adopted children, or a combo of bio and adopted. One is a tiny woman (maybe 5’ in heels) and is a teacher. One day a boy said he had no mother and she adopted him and his brother - who grew to over 6’ tall. Not a life plan, but it worked for her. One didn’t raise her step daughter but is head over heels about her granddaughter and travels all over the country to this girl’s gymnastic events, having the time of her life doing it.

I want grandchildren and I’m getting tired of waiting! And I want them before my sister gets hers. I made 3 baby blankets today and I’m sure they’ll all go to my friend’s grandbabies. I’ll keep making them until I get my own.

3 Likes
62

I agree that some people shouldn’t have kids (I think a parental test should be given before someone should be allowed to have kids). At the same time, with such a great gene pool we have on CC it would be a shame for our kids not to have kids. Think of all the great IQs, educations, ECs, loving tender care they received from us, all gone to waste. :slight_smile:

1 Like
63

I’d support them, of course. But yes, I’d be very sad, not because of not having grandkids though. That’s not super important to me. I’m sure they’d be lovely to have, of course.

Until you experience the love that comes from having children, you will always be missing a huge factor in the happiness of life.

Romantic love is great and all, but the love you have for your children never changes. It’s constant, it’s life-sustaining. So I’d feel very sad that they would wouldn’t experience that if they chose not to have kids.

9 Likes
64

My mom did not have the opportunity to become a great grandmother - I’m not saying that was important to her but what I am saying is she had 10 grandchildren ranging from age 18 to 43 and not one of those grandkids has had a child. Really when I think about that it is quite telling - 4 different siblings children and NONE of their kids (including me) has had a child?

But anyway, the last few years of her life my mom said more than once, “Dog, dogs, dogs - why do all of you care so much about dogs but not about children?”

I’m guessing it bothered her more than she let on.

3 Likes
65

My married son has many medical issues and is immunecompromised as a result. DiL has an unknown medical background genetically (she was adopted in a closed adoption) and several existing issues of her own. I was never so relieved as when they told us they are choosing a life without offspring (but not, as she put it, without children, since they have nieces, neohews)

Some of our friends are grandparents and they can be pretty superior about it, as if they’ve accomplished something and feel sorry for us.

4 Likes
66

I want grandchildren if my kids are in a place to take care of them and I will help.

Don’t care about marriage.

My kids know this; they are teens and not opposed to the idea.

67

My H and I really don’t care if we never have grandchildren.

2 Likes
68

To answer the question in the OP…yes, I’ll be sad. That said, I would never say anything about it, as it is not my life to live or decision to make.

69

For some people.

For me the love between my spouse and me is constant and steady. My youngest is 18 with all the worry that teenagerdom entails. I find the love for my spouse much more supportive for me. My kids are much more draining of love from me. My oldest is 21 and it is still emotionally draining although thankfully way better than the teen years. I do love them with all my heart but it’s fraught with worry and not always easy.

I know a lot of people my age that don’t have kids and wow sometimes their lives seem so easy and carefree. Financially they have it so much better not having to shell out for college and support another human for 21 years.

Having kids definitely changed me for sure, but I would say it gave me greater perspective on life rather than fulfilled me. I think I would have been sad for myself not to have kids because we wanted them but I will not be sad for myself if I don’t get grandkids unless my kids want kids and can’t have them.

6 Likes
70

I do want to say that there have been great strides made in genetic counseling and embryonic genetic counseling.

The science is working for those who want to have children without the medical issues they experienced.

But as always that is up to those who want to have children.

I also think that as my kids got older and saw their friends having children and saw the great love their friends have with their children, that it made them more aware of the upside of having kids.

It could go the other way also. :grin:

It’s a very personal decision. I never thought about being a grandparent and wasn’t worried if I was one or not. I do have a granddaughter and she’s adorable.

1 Like
71

Just an addendum to my reply above–I mentioned that my S is in a long-term, looking permanent, relationship, and that I hope they do get married eventually.

It’s not from any religious or moral point of view at all–I’m just looking for the party! D’s was a blast and I’d love to do it again! :smiley:

2 Likes
72

D1 has 4 best friends in their 30s. Three of them are actively trying to get pregnant now. There is one who is not sure if she wants to have kids. The problem is her husband would love to have kids and he is almost 10 years older than her. They just got married last year. She said she wasn’t sure, but may consider to have them later. I personally think they should have worked it out before they got married.

6 Likes
73

My greatest disappoint if my kids don’t provide grandkids will be their denying me an excuse to dwell on college confidential for the next 18 years.

7 Likes
74

All great points. I’m saying that romantic love is very different from parent-child love. There should probably be entirely different words for the various types of love, like the Eskimos have many words for different types of snow.

4 Likes
75

I wonder if the difference is in part regional. My kid said everyone she knew in high school in Texas expected to marry and have kids ( yes, even the gay kids); she was astonished how many did not at college near NYC.

3 Likes
76

I care more about my only child being married than having kids. I have a few friends my age (early 60s) who never got married and I think they must be lonely (especially now later in life). I want my daughter, especially since she has no siblings, to have a person who will care about and for her later in her life. So, maybe not married but living with somebody and being in a long term committed relationship.

Yes, it would be nice to have grandkids and for her to experience the joys of motherhood (and I don’t care if they are biological or not). I might be sad if she didn’t, but wouldn’t consider it the same as her being alone.

5 Likes
77

Re: wishing your kids get married. I want my kids to be happy, but if that doesn’t include a long term partner/spouse, so be it. My whole life I listened to my mom saying how weird one relative was because they weren’t married. How lonely and sad a life! I grew up thinking the same… until as I became an adult and have spoken with my relative directly, I realized how much I am like her. I love my H and my children with all of my heart, and I am glad I chose the life I did. But, if I hadn’t gotten married, I feel like I would have been just fine. I don’t see it as a lonely life at all. And if that is the life my kids choose, so be it as long as it is what they want.

6 Likes
78

I know my kids want to find partners so hope that they do. They are not so sure about the kids part. I would feel very sad with no grandkids, but of course would support their choices. I feel like having kids, even with the very tough times, is the most fulfilling experience of life and hope my kids decide to experience that. My oldest is at an age when many of his friends and my friend’s kids are getting married and starting families.

My kids know my DH and I look forward to grandkids, but they are very independent and honestly would not feel pressured to do that just for us.

79

Yes (for parenthood)

While their choice, the window of time to make that decision is short (moreso for women). Unfortunately no looking back at age 50+ and reconsidering. You hear often that those nearing death rarely regret the time they never spent in the office, and often regret the lack of time spent with those they loved. It doesn’t have to be a child, but I truly think the love for your children surpasses most. It would make me sad if they never experienced that depth.

Now that all my grandparents and parents are gone, I’ll also admit I have a longing that their legacy lives on. Less so for me, and more for those before me. You can leave a legacy in many ways, but there is something special about a DNA legacy, seeing great-grand parents traits in your children, and theirs.

3 Likes
80

I’ll begin by answering the OP’s question.

Be honest: Would you be sad if your kids decide to forgo marriage/parenthood? I’ve given it some thought (I’m the one who kinda brought the topic up on the other thread) and I can honestly say I would not be sad about not having grandchildren if that is what my kids want. Yet when I was talking with my DH about it recently, I was surprised to learn he would be quite sad. Like many here, he’d accept it (frankly, what else can one do) and do his best not to express his disappointment in words or actions. It’s their life.

However I do admit I would be sad if my kids don’t find a special life partner. Marriage isn’t necessary…in fact I’m not particularly fond of the “spectacle” of a wedding…but I do think life is richer with someone rather than alone. Both of my kids are currently in long term relationships (for 20-somethings) and whether it’s their current significant others or someone else, of course I just want them to be happy with whatever they choose.

Here’s where I’m going to veer a little off course due to my reading that book I referenced on the other thread, Regretting Motherhood by Orna Donath.

First she examined the “why” of motherhood. (I guess we could say parenthood but that was not her focus.) Many of the women who were interviewed never thought of motherhood as a choice, but just the next, expected step in growing up. They hadn’t given it a lot of forethought. Others admitted they did think about motherhood as a decision and in many cases gave in to societal pressure because they worried they might regret not having children, because that’s what “everyone” was telling them.

The interesting point with this belief is that while it may be true for many, this messaging may also contribute to the unhappiness of many mothers. The author examines the shame/taboo of regretting motherhood. She even suggests that reflecting on the motherhood experience often comes with criticism, as mothers are supposed to be selfless, putting the needs of the child first.

This is where motherhood is often seen as a role…and an irreversible one at that. As the author talked with various women about the abrupt transition of motherhood I saw a lot of truths. If I’m remembering correctly none of the women regretted their actual children. They loved them fiercely, but often said “if they knew then, what they know now” they would’ve chosen differently. I found that interesting, especially since these women had children of such varying ages.

Finally, I guess the topic resonated with me, because of the stage of life my kids are in. I wonder what they’re thinking. This is where I’ve transitioned away from my motherhood role. When they were younger I felt it was my obligation to share my thoughts and experiences in order to help guide them in their development. Now that they are young, independent adults I trust them to navigate their path going forward. I have to let them come to me.

8 Likes