Yes I’d be sad. I must be in the minority–both my kids would like to have children.
So true! My sister and her husband never had kids and they were both high school teachers. My BIL volunteered with a big brother big sister at a local elementary school when he retired. My sister also worked with CASA for a while as well. They were and still are a wonderful aunt and uncle to my kids. They do love kids, even though they never had their own kids.
I’ve seen that too. I’ve had friends/coworkers who love to brag and act superior about being grandparents, but they acted the same way when they were raising their kids. If you brag about your kids too much, you’ll probably do the same thing with your grandkids. I knew one lady who used to push her kids to have kids and now she complains that her kids always foist the grandkids on her…
It isn’t selfish to want kids. It isn’t selfish to not want kids either. Most people who don’t want kids are probably NOT anti-natalists or nihilists, they probably just don’t want kids. Don’t see why that is so bothersome to some people. The childless people I know like kids, they just don’t want their own. Seems like a big assumption to assume its because they’re anti-natalist.
So true!
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I would be very sad. I look forward to seeing my daughters become mothers themselves and I look forward to assuming the grandmother role. My oldest is married and they are moving towards having children in the next 2-3 years, so fingers crossed. I have no reason to believe my 19 y.o. won’t follow the same path once she graduates college (she has been in a relationship for almost 3 years). Both girls have spoken about being mothers one day and neither of them has ever emphatically stated that they don’t want children.
If either of them did decide not to have kids (versus not being able to have kids for health reasons), I wouldn’t harass them about it but behind closed doors, I would be genuinely sad and would selfishly mourn their decision.
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I have to think that part of the reason so many don’t want kids is that they look at their parents lives and don’t find them appealing.
@88jm19 I am curious if the women in the book regret the path they took with motherhood or motherhood itself? In reading a few articles on this subject, it appears that many women feel like men as dads have the better deal and they are stuck with all of the work. It impacts their ability to have a career, travel for work or fun, or just sit and think. Certainly, having men take on more of the responsibilities would help significantly, there may be some women that truly regret being moms and resent the “might have beens” of living child free. OTOH, there are certainly women who get to age 40 or older and decide they really want to have a child and work to get there.
I have a dear friend whose mom seemingly regretted her choice. She had a to give up a performance career and became a stay at home, suburban mom. Her kids would characterize her as very critical and not very loving. But both my friend and her sibling went on to have children of their own.
I hope that is not the case. I think my husband and I have so far lived good lives that my daughter would want to emulate.
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I feel similar to @Sweetgum. I feel like I always wanted children myself, going into it with a loving spouse, financially stable and had first 31, second at 33. I feel like if I didn’t have children I would have felt something was missing. Having said that, there were some tough times that I’d never considered-unexpected health issues including one on the high functioning Autism spectrum. Parenting is tougher at times than I thought it would be but having 2 adult children now, I don’t regret it. I could though, see someone not sharing my need to have children and see it a very valid choice. Children bring a lot of joy but there are also a lot of variables that can not be predicted-I hear so many parents struggle with their child’s drug/alcohol addiction, heartache or poor choices. I fulfilled my need for children. If either of my children choose to have children, I will be happy for them and I think enjoy being a grandparent, but will not feel any loss if they choose not to have children. I enjoyed my choice, do not have any expectations for them. I just hope they carefully consider that having a child is a big responsibility.
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I am also in that camp with you! Both of my sons have always loved children and have been very vocal about wanting them. Older son and his wife have a son now and we are crazy in love with him. For us, being grandparents is pure joy.
So to answer the original question - yes, I would have been very sad but certainly kept it to myself. Although aside from fertility issues, I already knew this wouldn’t be my situation so I never worried about it.
I would be sad and DH loves kids and is ready anytime for the next go round so he would be very sad- with our kids I don’t think it will be an issue. 21 year old DD’s greatest desire is to be a mom and she will very likely marry current boyfriend. 23 year old DD wants kids but is in less of a hurry. Actually this summer she said she would be okay being the fun aunt if that’s how it goes but like a week after that she got on Bumble lol. The current match seems to be going really well so we’ll see!
I don’t have a problem with them starting early-mid 20’s if they do. I had them at 21 and 24, empty nest by 42 and plenty of energy for grandkids 
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I am also in that camp with you! Both of my sons have always loved children and have been very vocal about wanting them. Older son and his wife have a son now and we are crazy in love with him. For us, being grandparents is pure joy.
So to answer the original question - yes, I would have been very sad but certainly kept it to myself. Although aside from fertility issues, I already knew this wouldn’t be my situation so I never worried about it.
One issue not mentioned here is that the state of the world is very precarious right now. I think children born today have the potential to live in a very dystopian future.
For this reason, I would not be sad if I never have grandchildren.
I do hope my children find life partners. Life is challenging and it’s good to have someone in your corner. (For those who say – but what about friends – I mean – what if you lose your job, want to buy a house, etc. – good to have a partner to help out.)
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Or fix it.
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I was born during the Cuban Missile Crisis. My parents found the state of the world far better then than it had been in, say, 1942, or 1933. The world has often been on the precipice; I am not certain today’s problems are any more insurmountable.
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Unfortunately, not everyone feels this way. (And you can’t test drive 'em first to find out.)
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I spent a lot of time under my school desk with my hands over my head hoping nothing would happen and that a bomb wouldn’t fall on us.
Then I got to listen to the body count on TV every single night at dinner time during the Viet Nam war. And then friends were focused on lottery numbers which seemed like a death sentence if you had a low number.
Then we impeached a president.
My parents lived through the depression. My mom thought it was good if they afforded electricity. My grandfather’s siblings all left their country never to return in order to restart their lives.
We were all dying long ago of environment stuff. The world is old–it goes through cycles.
But we had “green day” or whatever. Life continues.
And now here we are. History really does matter. If not day to day then within your family. What if during the world wars, depression times, etc that my ancestors just decided that it was easier to not have kids and then I never existed?
My particular family history shows a lot of survivors. And I hope those genes have been passed on.
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I never claimed, nor do I believe, that people who don’t want children of their own are de facto anti-natalist. There are many valid reasons why people don’t want children. People should know themselves and if they don’t think they would enjoy parenthood or be a good parent, then it’s all for the best that they don’t attempt it and all to the good that they don’t have to. However, I do see a weird pseudo-millenarian anti-humanist tendency being cultivated now which attempts to shame people for wanting children. This movement refers to parents as “breeders” and children as “crotch goblins.” It takes a preference (childfree life) and turns it into a virtue (“I’m saving the planet and you’re killing it”). I also hear many of my students say they do not want children because of climate concerns. We need children to continue functioning as as a society. If people stop having children en masse, we are looking at Children of Men scenarios (PD James was very prescient). We might as well just lay down and die. That is what I mean by nihilism.
We are also making it very hard for young people to couple up and have children. The economic and cultural supports for monogamy and procreation have collapsed. And it’s prohibitively expensive for many. Goals are shaped by opportunities, and I think that many young people just can’t see that they will ever find a compatible long-term partner or afford to support another human or two. My own suspicion is that many of my students who say they don’t want children do so because they don’t see it as a realistic or achievable goal. (Before you ask why I am discussing this with them, it’s as part of discussions of literature in which the characters debate the ethics of procreation–the Wife of Bath, or Milton’s Adam and Eve after the Fall. I’m not asking them personal questions about their own lives, they volunteer their views).
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I would be sad if my kids didn’t want to have children (or could not) because it’s the greatest adventure that DH and I can go on with them.
They will likely have marriages, careers, hobbies, and vacations, which we will hear about and even share sometimes. But if they become parents, our whole family will go on that roller coaster together.
With that said, I wouldn’t want this if they didn’t. And part of why it’s so meaningful to me is that they are planning to involve the extended family in their kids’ lives.
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I hope kids find partners they love and enjoy but whether or not they have kids is up to them. I am in the camp of the world being overpopulated so not sad if they choose to not have kids.
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But that isn’t the case. Population numbers are dropping. It’s the lowest in history of the US.
Here’s what I worry about…
That birth rates are lower not because our children don’t want kids but because of environmental reaons. Male fertility has dropped over the years and one cause may be environmental (plastics etc).
Another cause could be the continuous use of hormonal birth control coupled with delay of having children.
Waiting to have kids (if you want them) IS a time dependent thing. The biological clock is real.
I really don’t think our society has done any favors in saying “career first” to women and not warning them of the effects of that decision.
Off my soapbox. I’m not here to start a debate.
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I know a lot of young people who have chosen not to have children, as well as a lot who only plan to have one. When I was young, everyone I knew had several kids, and childless couples were few & far between. The widespread availability of effective birth control has allowed women & couples to make decisions regarding children. If the probability of having kids is tied to having sex, people are mostly going to accept children as part of the deal. Now that it’s not a given that one will lead to the other, it frees people to make a decision that they didn’t necessarily have in the past.
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