<p>OP, I am not trying to be judgemental here as this is not what you asks for.</p>
<p>A point is: Does the private college your D is going to attend provide generous need-based financial aid to a needy student? If not, many schools have something called “gapping” in their financial aid, meaning that the school expects the student’s family to come up with some portion of COA that school’s financial aid is not responsible for, that is, the family needs to take out a loan based on the family’s own credit-worthiness to the bank. If this is the case, and if the boy’s father who has more earned income is not willing to help, the boy likely does not have a means to attend the school your D will be at. The “problem” is solved unless your D decides to attend the “lesser” school her bf attends – You should count your blessing if your D does not do that. Some girl (and boy) I know of actually did this to herself and to her family. </p>
<p>The practice of “gapping” actually provides the college a good means to weed out those students who wish to be there but really should not as it may be a “financial risk” for both the school and the student (too much student’s loan or can not get enough loan due to the poor credit of the family.) No matter how a school advertises it, it will need a certain percentage of full pay students to run it.</p>
<p>Let’s face this reality: A private college with an ED policy tends to be a college which a student not from a top 20 percents would attend financially comfortably.</p>
<p>Actually, there is article that describes the phenomenon that, since the rich family tends to send their offsprings to the same set of schools and the the poor tends to send theirs to another set of schools (or not to any school), the children from the rich will more likely meet and marry those from the rich and the poor with the poor. (Isn’t there a movie called the Tiffany’s? It is about the same phenomenon. But since it is a movie, the outcome will be different from what usually would be the case.) This further segregates the rich from the poor as the wealth (and, yes, the all important connections which could lead to the wealth) never passes across the boundary between those who have and those who have not. I am not trying to criticize anything here and just want to point out the fact: Generally speaking, most people do not want to deal with people who are perceived as “below them” unless their passion is social activism (few have this passion.)</p>
<p>My anecdote…My last two years of h.s. I had a serious bf from my town who was two years older and went to a college an hour away. He came home to see me every weekend. We talked constantly about me following him to college and how wonderful it would be.</p>
<p>So I did it…only applied to his college…and off I went in Aug. My Mom was not happy about it at all but did not try to dissuade me.
At first it was bliss but gradually things started going downhill. The relationship had to be on his terms.<br>
I had to be available when he wanted me to and make myself scarce when he wanted to do something else regardless of my feelings. Neither of us were happy. He broke up w/ me the week of Fall semester finals. Best thing that ever happened to me.
If it’s meant to last it will and if it’s not, it won’t.</p>
<p>If he is as big of a looser as you seem to think, he will flunk out of this top school anyway so what’s the worry? (total sarcasm)…</p>
<p>Maybe he is just shy? You said yourself he doesn’t have any money. I couldn’t imagine NOT paying for a boyfriend/girlfriend of one of my children when we took them places whether he has money or not. I have to agree with the others, it is a class issue you have with this boy if it were just a motivation factor you wouldn’t have added information about his home life, how he never pays for anything, etc.</p>
<p>I don’t have any sons, so I don’t know if I would feel the same way or not about a girlfreind being as ambitious? I can only say that we raised both of our girls to have dreams and to set goals and to work hard, and that both H and I are very hard workers, as well.</p>
<p>H’s concern was compatibility. Almost everyone we know who ended up divorced ended up divorced because one person outgrew the other, and it was almost always a kind of lopsided relationship where one person was really out there in the world making things happen (and I’m not talking about making money, but involved in life, just to be clear).</p>
<p>D’s ex is actually much happier now with a girl who is a freind of D’s who is less busy, and less involved, but no less of a great person. Maybe a better word would be “energetic?” He was simply less energetic, significantly so, than was she. </p>
<p>I think the OP mom’s boundaries make sense (except I would probably expect to include a kid’s bf/gf on a dinner invitation, if I were visiting the college for the day, and I do expect to treat my kids’ friends when they are invited to accompany us on outings). I think the idea of not paying for kids to cohabit with bf/gf as undergrads is valid in all situations. The learning and the transcript are of primary concern those few years. Kids who are away at school will spend as much time with bf/gf as they see fit, but I think they should always have a room or apartment they can go back to, where relationships among the occupants are only platonic. If there should be a romantic disaster and they are officially cohabiting, it can wreak havoc with at least one semester’s worth of work. (Even greater havoc than a breakup otherwise might.) Somebody has to move, a lease may have to be broken, new accommodations found in the middle of the year, somebody may be left in the lurch financially, etc. Who needs that? As a parent, I don’t want to sponsor that possibility. Even if I like and approve of the bf/gf.</p>
<p>I also cannot imagine paying for son’s friends when they visit here. He is well cared for when he visits their families–sometimes well beyond anything I could ever dream of doing.</p>
<p>My ex’s family had a story about a visit from one of ex’s college friends visiting them while the “boys” were in college. (Ex, their son, was on campus then.) Friend was travelling the country that semester, working for a political campaign. Although Parents were charmed that Friend stopped by to say “hi” while in the area, they wanted him to leave so they could move on to supper. They finally gave up and asked Friend to join them. In the course of the meal, Friend revealed that he had not been paid in weeks, was out of money, and seriously hungry. </p>
<p>He had gone to the only people he knew in that part of the country.</p>
<p>My take-away on all this is–be kind. Your kids’ friends, romantic or platonic, are young and vulnerable. Treat each one as you would want his or her parents to treat your child. Some kids will remember your family as the best one they ever had.</p>
<p>Did you mean you cannot imagine NOT paying? I only ask because I had to reread it a few times and it seems like you’re advocating for the OP to pay :). I agree with your whole post, btw.</p>
<p>OP, if it’s a decent school and he gets in, he’s probably not a lazy kid or whatever. There may be plenty that he does that you and your husband don’t know about. Just a personal story- my parents were iffy about my boyfriend at first because they thought he was lazy and didn’t have a job. He has a job (he’s a nude model) but he just didn’t want to tell them at first because he wasn’t sure how they would react. He is the most laid back person I’ve ever met and you would never guess that he gets stellar grades and has taught himself Japanese and Spanish because he just doesn’t tell people about himself. My point is that you just might not know the whole story and many people just show ambition and such in different ways. What his parents are going through is really no reflection of him so I’m not sure how it enters the equation.</p>
<p>Also, I agree that cutting off tuition is the best way to destroy your relationship with her and make her cling to him. There is absolutely NO good that can come of that if you value your relationship with your D. If you want to be part of your D’s life, and your future grandchildren’s lives, I would NOT do that.</p>
<p>Frankly, if this school doesn’t “meet need” for transfer students (and most don’t), then this will be a non-issue. He may get accepted, but the aid pkg will be awful.</p>
<p>And if it’s a school that requires NCP info…then that may really be a problem.</p>
<p>Even if somehow this kid gets on campus…he’ll sink or swim. But, you can’t really do anything about it. I’m sure you didn’t want your parents or in-laws deciding who the two of you dated.</p>
<p>(and what’s with the “H thinks”??? What do you think? This sounds like a situation where you don’t want to own your own feelings so you’re putting them onto H. )</p>
<p>There are many more women who are prepared for college and, in fact, do well and graduate in a timely manner. Nobody wants their daughter to marry a man who is dependant on her financially. This is so far from where society was twenty-fice years ago when we counseled our daughters not to be financially dependant on a man. there is a lot more going on here than a boyfriends inability to pick up the dinner check.</p>
<p>Do you believe in true love? If so, wait to see if this relationship pans out.</p>
<p>It appears there are many parents on this thread who may have S or D who have gf or bf. Could I ask some of you a question here (since this is a bf/gf thread)?</p>
<p>DS came home during spring break and mentioned briefly that one of his classmates (who is a girl) wants to introduce a girlfriend to him if he does not have a girlfriend. She kinds of asked DS this question out of the blue.</p>
<p>One parent guessed that the girl herself (who does not have bf herself) may have some interests in DS, but both DS and the other parent do not think so – that is, the girl really meant to introduce someone else to him. (So far, it has been weeks and no girlfriend has been introduced yet.)</p>
<p>Who do you think is right?</p>
<p>We really do not have much experiences with this so please help us solve this “puzzle.” At least this problem is not as messy as OP’s.</p>
<p>You may think we may have been overexcited about this. This might also happen to you if you need to wait almost 4 years for this moment.</p>
<p>Does it matter either way? I guess if your son finds this girl odd, then it would matter. (but who would have an odd person set them up???)</p>
<p>If this girl is normal and there could be an attraction, then why not agree to the “set up” and find out what’s what?</p>
<p>If this girl really is secretly setting herself up, what is she going to do? I guess she might say that the “3 of us” should meet at X restaurant for dinner at 6:00. Your son and this girl arrive. The girl pretends to get a text saying that the “friend” will be late so go ahead and order. So, the girl and your son have dinner. At some point, another phony text about the girl not being able to come. lol …if something like that happens, my concern would be that your son would have a real schemer on his hands. </p>
<p>But, if when your son asks to be set up, the girl suggests that they go out, then…well…if he’s interested then he should go.</p>
<p>He is definitely a late bloomer. He said he had agreed to the setup. His idea of date is to have a coffee break at a nearby starbucks.</p>
<p>I guess he was “trained” to think the proper place for a date would be some place like that, because of his short-lived date experience in the past: His ex-gf’s family only allowed them to meet at a place similar to that. If they wanted to see a movie, the place would be in the living room at the girl’s home. They did not allow them to go to a movie theater or fancy restaurant (not due to the financial reason.) I think they had never dated in the evening with the exception of the PROM, which was supervised by either their parents or us, or the school’s officials (while they were in the building.) – At least their parents seem to trust us. LOL. (wait… the girl has never been in our house, as we sensed that her parents might not be pleased by this.) But they were too young for a real date back then, which was about 6 years ago. Some “rules” mostly set up by her parents (e.g., always go dutch) and respected by us, might be good.</p>
<p>The girl, as I heard, is normal. I even think she likely lives in the same dorm (as most students live in the dorm the first year) so they met with each other a lot in class and out of class. This is because everybody seems to take the same class.</p>
<p>Not only that, but someday…those kids’ friends may someday be in a position to return the favor and then some. </p>
<p>Back in HS/undergrad, I was one kid some upper-middle class parents would have considered to be “lacking in energy/ambition” on the basis of my HS grades and/or my family’s financial situation at the time. Fortunately, most of the friends’ parents in HS/college treated their kids friends like myself when they came up to visit us…and did so with great tact and understanding. </p>
<p>Fast forward several years with the recession…and our relative financial positions have reversed in some cases. Now, I’m glad to treat them and their kids and would never dream of regarding anyone I treat as a “leech”…especially if their financial condition was caused by events outside of their direct control as is the case with the OP D’s BF. </p>
<p>Granted, I wouldn’t go so far as to fund cohabitation…but that’s mainly due to the pitfalls arising from excess distraction from SO and inevitable fallout if the relationship ends badly.</p>
<p>LOL! The kid certainly has enough initiative to fill out a transfer application and go after what he wants :-). I mean it does show some ambition!</p>
<p>Better not hate him too much, he could end up your son-in-law and the father of your grandchildren. You really don’t get a say in your D’s love life.</p>
<p>The parents of DS’s roommate in college treated DS extremely well, even though they are relatively much more upper-middle class than us. We extremely appreciate their kindness.</p>
<p>Because we live thousands of miles from DS’s college, we could not afford to visit him during the parent’s weekend. His roomate’s parents would take DS along when they visited their son, including going to the most expensive resaurant in the (mid-sized) city. When DS offered to pay his share, they always declined.</p>
<p>During one (long) weekend, they even took DS and his son back to their home (which is 200-300 miles away from the campus.) Not only that, because they knew DS is very much into music, they drove his son and DS to a city (likely 30 miles away from their home) to attend an evening concert even though they themselves did not go to the concert; they just dropped them off and picked them up afterwards. They even paid for the tickets, which is not cheap. At the end of the weekend, when DS offered to pay back his share, they allowed DS to pay them $20 or some small amount like that, just to make DS feel a little bit comfortable. It is not enough for an eat-out event during one evening, let alone the price of the ticket to the concert (which may be close to $100?)</p>
<p>Oh…boy, maybe somebody in the world may think DS leeches on them!</p>
<p>When DS was graduated, they even offered to introduce a job for him! (But it happens that he had got a job before that.)</p>
<p>We will forever appreciate their kindness. I heard DS and his roommate still visited each other from time to time since they had graduated and lived in different but not far-apart cities. The last time, they arranged to see school’s football game, as alumni, together (with a few other college roommates.)</p>