<p>While the small selective LACs do tend to have high retention rates, every college has some students who just find that they made the wrong decision. After weighing the pros and cons, what can change or not change over time, ultimately the decision is your student’s to transfer or not. These things happen when choosing a job, when choosing a neighborhood…many times through life. The positive is, people tend to learn more about themselves as they go through the process.</p>
<p>
It’s not always so subtle in the workplace either. I had 2 bosses who were absolutely despicable towards their subordinates/employees. One guy, who was the owner of a small consulting firm, would dress down employees at the top of his lungs right in front of everyone else - about anything and everything from soup to nuts. It just made you cringe even when it wasn’t you. In my case, it was me often enough that I was only too glad to leave. He would have loved to have a large, important firm, but he couldn’t (and still can’t) hold on to his employees long enough to actually build the company. Somehow that feels like justice.</p>
<p>I have one child at a large state school and one at an elite LAC. Both schools seem to be tolerant of race, politics, and sexual orientation. I suspect some kids would feel isolated at either school (child at state U feels more isolated than the child at LAC) but bullying is somewhat unheard of.</p>
<p>I’m sorry this is happening to your child.</p>
<p>cynthialouise, the fact that your child is being essentially forced out of this school is appalling. Is there any legal recourse? Can the original rumourmonger be threatened with legal action? Can a well worded letter from your attorney get the administration to actually stop and look at this problem? I assume at this point your child wants desperately to get away from these people and this school and that won’t change, however the school should take bullying a lot more seriously then it seemingly is.</p>
<p>It’s really surprising given all the national attention being given to bullying right now, that any college would not be extremely proactive about a situation like this. I don’t usually advocate for parents getting in the middle of anything for their college age kids, but I think for this one, I might pick up the phone and ever so sweetly and politely say something like: “Can you please tell me what my child should do, because I’d really rather not have to take this to my lawyer, unless of course, you feel that you have done everything in your power to put a stop to this”</p>
<p>without knowing the specifics of the situation, i do wonder how much of it is bullying and how much of it is misinterpreting reactions at a school where students speak their mind and love to debate and challenge ideas. </p>
<p>I also wonder what specific steps has your son taken to address the situation? I know the school has a system intended for students learn to work and live together as responsible adults, and are accountable to each other for how they treat each other. Perhaps what you’re interpreting as indifference on the part of the administration is really a concern that the students learn how to get along as members of a community. </p>
<p>If this really is a situation where the student has reached out to students, to residence advisors and to administration and gotten no response or understanding or even someone willing to listen and advise, then yes, you should get involved.</p>
<p>Bullying and Tattling are two words with a vast interpretation. I think the student needs to figure out whether it is important enough to escalate and burn the bridges or to let whatever is happening run it’s course or to leave. We don’t know what’s going on, we’re simply being told it’s bullying. There’s much difference being intellectually browbeaten vs. physical intimidation. We don’t know what is going on. It does not sound, to me, like something the parents should be involved in, but each family has different dynamics. If the student remains on campus they also need to think about the ramifications within a small campus community of their parent(s) pulling out the big legal guns, not just from the student body perspective but from an administrative perspective…if that’s the bottom line it might be better all around to simply look at the transfer possibilities if it’s that unbearable being on campus.</p>
<p>momofthreeboys, bullying does not have to include physical intimidation.</p>
<p>Children in elementary school, middle school and highschool will bully if they have that trait. The unfortunate thing is that they go on to be the same way as adults. Just think about all the “mean” adults who you have met. I have seen grown people be exclusionary and talk behind peoples back. Women are usually the worst offenders of this type of behavior and I guess that most times they have learned it from their own mothers.</p>
<p>cynthialouise, I would concur with above poster blankmind has suggested, just make sure you say that to someone who’s attention will be peaked at the word ‘attorney’. I would also have your child make a log of any and all incidents that have taken place recording time, place where incident took place, names of any witnesses/accomplices. It is truly OUTRAGEOUS that you are paying lots of money for your child to be having a truly miserable college experience. Can we say ‘emotional distress’?? I’d have that attorneys name handy.</p>
<p>This is a tough one. On one hand, to allow one person to “force” your child’s hand about the future 3 1/2 years is regrettable and possibly hasty. Does she love the place otherwise? Part of growing up is dealing with a#$^oles like this. On the other, if the other things about the school are not as you(she) thought, it may be for the best. Before you go there, what about her friends, interests, activities, etc.? </p>
<p>Why don’t you write a letter to the dean of students, vice provost, etc.and follow up with an announced visit and a demand for a sit-down meeting? The squeaky wheel gets the grease in these instances. The bully will be exposed, and will know that his/her gig is either up, being watched and/or limited. The attorney thing takes this somewhere you may not want to go at this point. An attorney will write you a letter and charge you $750.00 in the process but i am sure thery will advise you there is no case here (thank god).</p>
<p>I still think the attorney thing may be a clear “winning the battle but loosing the war” position. Depends on what the student (or the parent if they are in charge of what happens to the student next) wants.</p>
<p>Considering most college students are adults, I have trouble getting worked up over “bullying” on campuses.</p>
<p>These aren’t 11 year old kids. Eventually, the person just needs to realize they are grown and handle problems.</p>
<h2>It’s not always so subtle in the workplace either. I had 2 bosses who were absolutely despicable towards their subordinates/employees. One guy, who was the owner of a small consulting firm, would dress down employees at the top of his lungs right in front of everyone else - about anything and everything from soup to nuts. It just made you cringe even when it wasn’t you. In my case, it was me often enough that I was only too glad to leave. He would have loved to have a large, important firm, but he couldn’t (and still can’t) hold on to his employees long enough to actually build the company. Somehow that feels like justice. ~ Sylvan</h2>
<p>I feel your pain, as I’ve worked for a very “abusive” boss.</p>
<p>However, I can’t consider this bullying. As an adult, we always have options, even when we feel trapped.</p>
<p>Sometimes there are just a-holes in life.</p>
<p>Thanks again all, particularly the comments about attorneys. Unfortunately, Chris, my son and then we have contacted some bigwigs in the school, and they all insist my son is at fault, although the just mutter and say “it’s just a gut reaction” when we ask for details or explanations. It’s as though they can not believe that a member of a sometimes persecuted group might actually be a persecutor. Their attitude upsets me as much as the treatment the “bullies” exhibit, particularly since I am paying full fare. And BIGeastBEAST, I think the question isn’t “Can my son handle this?” but “Is having to handle this worth my spending $45,000/year?” I think the answer lies in what alternatives exist that offer the same positive possibilities. Perhaps I sound more like a consumer advocate than a concerned parent, but with so many less expensive good schools around, I feel I have the right to be choosy.</p>
<p>I am sorry to hear about this as well. The challenge here is that the parents would (and should) be unwilling to post all the details publicly, but without doing so, it is hard for us to give accurate advice. </p>
<p>I must say (as a retired attorney myself) that I find it odd that Chris46 is able to make a legal judgment that there is no case based on the limited information available here. A false spoken statement damaging to one’s reputation is slander in every state.</p>
<p>At the same time, if there is no college ombudsman, the OP prefers not to consult an attorney and the college administration is unresponsive, the only alternative I see is to transfer after this semester.</p>
<p>Separate the money you are spending from the bullying issue- it would be just as bad if your financial costs were zero. Do you want your son, or, more importantly, does your son, want to be at an institution with the ethics you described? Sounds like a resounding NO. Have him find a place he feels he can respect for its values. There may be more going on than you/we know, but it sounds like a change is in order. Your son may need to address issues at the new place- perhaps seeing a counselor before any problems that may develop from unfinished business influencing him to truly make a fresh start.</p>
<p>^ Excellent post Wis75.</p>
<p>This certainly doesn’t paint Grinnell in a very good light! I’d be curious to see which group of “sometimes persecuted” students is giving your S such a hard time. </p>
<p>Do you think the administration would react differently if the “sometimes persecuted” group were being bullied?</p>
<p>I want to caution everyone that we don’t know the specifics and we are only hearing one side of the story. Grinnell has numerous ways that students can discuss their problems on an individualized way – in addition to student RAs, the dorms all have Residence Life Coordinators who have master’s degrees. Each freshman has a tutorial professor who is that student’s advisor and can point a student in the right direction in terms of college resources, which are many in terms of mental health and student life. </p>
<p>Grinnell does have a system of self-governance. It is an intentional system whereby the students are treated as adults and expected to learn to live together as a community, since that is what they will need to do upon graduation - to solve problems with others as adults. This is not an anarchic system, though, it is supported by resources and counselors and a student government system as well. </p>
<p>We don’t know whether cynthia’s son has tried to work out his issues at the student level or sought out counsel from a residence life advisor. Or, even whether this really is “bullying” or perhaps some teasing or gossip; if the student does feel bullied, however, it is important for him to seek ways to address it and learn how to handle it and how to clear the air with others. I just can’t imagine that there isn’t someone on the campus who may not come down with an iron fist on the “bulliers,” but who wouldn’t listen to him and help him find a way to resolve this. </p>
<p>Even if, as Cynthia says, the “sometimes persecuted” group were the ones being bullied, I still think that the administration would have the students work together to find a way to work it out and understand the issues. That’s their style – and, as I said, it’s an intentional one – helping young adults navigate their way to independent adulthood.</p>