calling all parents!: how do I make my dad care?!

Parents Forum
1

<p>I am quite frazzled and hoping that you guys can help...as you obviously care enough about college to be on this site. Please don't let the length of this discourage you...go eat lunch or something while you read it...it's void of annoying drama (I think), and I'll use my charm to not bore you..so..enjoy!</p>

<p>I cannot, for the life of me, figure out my dad. Lemme give you some background info, which I do not agree or disagree with, just simply stating it. My dad went to a desolate small college--no longer standing--for football (a terrible student), dropped out after 3 yrs, and barely got a degree online. He is now extremely successful and well-off. Of course. Thus, he does not believe in going to a good college at all, and thinks a degree from Harvard is honestly no different at all (even in opportunities, stature, etc.) than a degree from a tiny college in, say, Arkansas. Imagine, if you will, the most stubborn hot-headed, CONFUSING, man you have ever met in your life, and that is probably 1/5 of my dad (again, just facts). He is also one of the most protective 'daddy's little girl' guys. So, added all together, he would basically die of joy if I chose to go to community college 5 mins away and live right next door for the rest of my life.</p>

<p>Right.</p>

<p>So here is where I need help as I tell you my dilemma.
I'm a pretty dang good student. Have made academics top priority in my life, as my goal as always been to get into my 'dream' college, and getting straight A's has become something my parents have taken for granted. They have never known nor cared to know my test days, grades in classes, SATS, or spring break...nothing. That was my area, and I have been ok with that...until college time came around. When I began to look at colleges, my dad wouldn't get involved. I really needed to know his price range, and he would never give me an answer or even an example and said he was busy. Throughout the year I would mention stuff and he would remain silent, and even when I finally narrowed down my choices (2 great, 3 backups) in September and asked him about them and prices and location, he had nothing to say and brushed it off. I figured he was upset about letting me go and just wanted me to do the work and him to write the check. Cool. After I spent months holed up in my room filing early applications, I began to wait for acceptances. When the 1st one came for my 'dream' school in December, Emerson, I was BEYOND ecstatic. My dad, however, suddenly sprang to life and minutes after I tore open the letter, he declared that Emerson was a liberal democratic bullsh$%# school and he refused to send me there ever. I was devastated by his change of heart, but figured I could persuade him later. I then got acceptances to UGA (which he piped up to say "you would hate it there and wouldn't want to go"), Syracuse Univ ("NY is too expensive to live in..and you will hate the cold"), Univ of Iowa ("cornfields and cow towns"), and Univ of Wisconsin-Madison. He then began to say that he refused to send me to any of those places, and would only consider Univ of Florida--the one school he knew I despised--because our 529 plan. Ironically...Fl is the only place we have relatives. While I waited to hear from UF, he agreed to accompany me on a college tour 2 weeks ago to Syracuse, Emerson, and Georgia, so I interpreted that meaning I still had hope. So we flew 5000 miles and he said he didn't like Syracuse. He then refused to go on the Emerson tour and just dropped me off and said he despised Boston--for no reason. Then he flew home early and I flew to GA myself and stayed in the hotel and caught a cab to the tour. This whole time, mind you, he never asked or texted ONCE about how Emerson was or how UGA was. He acted--and still 2 weeks later--acts like it never happened. </p>

<p>As I was waiting to fly home, he texted me randomly and said "you go to the college where you get a scholarship. No scholarships and you go to community college" (mind you, our EFC is 35k, not that he has to pay anything, but still). I have no idea what made him say that or why I suddenly deserve comm college like it is a punishment or something? I also did not receive any fin aid or scholarships anywhere, unfortunately, so I began working to find even more of them. When he saw me actively pursuing scholarships for Emerson and Syracuse last week, he suddenly declared that regardless of what money I get, he will not send me to either...and then walked away. So I had a good crying/sulking fest and then gave up on that dream. </p>

<p>For the past few months while all this has happened, he has shown an inclination to Iowa, so I decided to set my hopes on there. I tried to talk to him about housing that I signed up for and his response was "cool." I told him about the dorms and campus life and different majors, and he continued watching tv. I later asked if he could help me figure out this tuition thing, because we can possibly get lower tuition--something that would excite ANY parent--and he said that I'm smart, I could figure it out (mind you, this man insists on helping me make mac and cheese...Kraft). So I told him that I needed him to be more involved in my college stuff, and that I gave up my goal schools for him like he wanted, and was pursuing a college just to make him happy, and I needed him to act like he cared. He told me he was never too old to learn, and would try to make an effort. When I then asked him some more questions, he--I kid you not--suddenly laughed and said "I farted." Then walked away.</p>

<p>That was a few days ago and nothing has changed. I continue trying to talk to him and ask him questions, and he still avoids me like the plague. I sent him emails with info and he hasn't read them. I finally got upset tonight and literally had to chase him down to talk to him. Before listening he quickly got frustrated and said he was tired. I said this is a huge part of my life and his as well, and he needs to be involved regardless of how sad it will make him. He told me it was too late (it was 8:45 pm), and he had worked all day (He ran to the office for a folder) and was too tired to discuss these things. He then quickly went upstairs. </p>

<p>I don't know what he wants from me. He refused to help me pick out colleges, then seemed ok with what I picked. Then I got accepted and he rejected them all. Then gave me false hope on my top schools. Then said he wouldn't pay for any but Fl. Then not even Fl...just community college. Then Iowa seemed ok but he won't talk about any of it.
I have 3 weeks to figure this out...and he won't talk to me. His reasoning is so scattered.
I swear he's on crack.
You guys are parents...what in the heck is going on and what do I do??</p>

<p>PS. My mom is nonexistent in this battle. She doesn't make the money so she has no control over my dad and his decisions (great huh?)</p>

2

<p>My sense is that he will not pay for you to go away, but cannot bring himself to tell you that once and for all.</p>

<p>Even if your mom does not have a voice in this battle, she probably knows what your father is thinking. Ask her.</p>

<p>$35 EFC is a big number, and your father may not be able to afford it.</p>

3

<p>Definitely talk to your mother. There may be more to this financially than you know. If your colleges offer monthly payment plans, it might be a good idea to let him know.</p>

4

<p>What you are going through is absolutely horrible. I am so sorry to hear it.</p>

5

<p>I am so sorry to read this letter. May I suggest that you share it with your school counselor? Perhaps your counselor can arrange a meeting with you and your parents at the school to discuss the situation. Without knowing your father, it is hard to say why he is acting this way towards you. You sound like a good smart young woman. I hope with the help of counselor that you are able to resolve this problem.</p>

6

<p>What comes through in your post is not a father who loves “Daddy’s little girl” so much that he can’t bear to see her go away to college. What comes through is a control freak determined to force you onto the path of his own choosing. This is reinforced by your description of your mom being powerless with him because she doesn’t earn the money-- although you should bear in mind, my dear, that it takes two to make a relationship dynamic…your mom is not blameless in this just because she’s passive.</p>

<p>If what I’ve described is accurate, then you need to change your tactics accordingly. He’s not trying to avoid losing you, he’s trying to avoid losing CONTROL of you. Very different situation. If you continue to react to him as though he’s just a sad but loving dad, you are going to be at the mercy of his control-freak games forever. Look at the way he’s played you throughout this whole process! Basically, he let you pin your hopes on schools he had no intentions of paying for, walked away from your college visits, forced you to compromise again and again, moved the goal at every opportunity…and now is trying to string you along without answers until it’s too late to make a college decision at all. </p>

<p>You are not daddy’s little girl. You are daddy’s little mindgame victim. Wise up, or you’re going to be dancing to his twisted tune forever.</p>

<p>But in your opening post is the key to your freedom. You said your mom has no choice because she doesn’t make the money. If you can create a situation where you don’t need his money to live the life you want, then you are no longer under his control.</p>

<p>That may sound impossible, but it’s not. You could work part-time and go to college part-time, or take a gap year or two and work (trust me, there are jobs if you aren’t too proud to scrub toilets), or go do good college-resume-building things for a charitable organization overseas while you regroup with a new college plan that doesn’t involve your father’s financial help. You could appeal to your extended family for help. You could go to your priest or pastor, if you have one, and ask A) for advice and B) if the church would be willing to let you have a bake sale benefit for your college fund since your parents won’t help achieve your dreams. You could contact your accepted schools, explain your situation and ask if there’s any hope of more financial aid. Heck, you could have a benefit carwash or go door-to-door selling candy bars as a personal fundraiser. </p>

<p>There are always options, no matter how difficult some of them may seem. It’s important to remember that, because it’s easy to lose hope when you believe you have no choices. The choices are there. They have a price, but they’re there.</p>

<p>Good luck. I hope you have some other trusted adults in your life to advise you who are outside your dad’s sphere of influence. Does your school have a psychologist? I’d suggest talking to him or her for some insights on how to manage your father.</p>

7

<p>I hope you can get away from there as soon as possible. I wouldn’t worry too much where you go, just as long as you can go. All the schools you mention are good to great. Try to get the best grades possible the first year, so a transfer is a consideration. This was just agonizing to read and I really feel for you.</p>

<p>I wanted to add, that it is not usual for the dad who makes the money to control all the money and the decisions. That is an abnormal situation. It is often the stay at home wife who does the finances and household budget, cause that is more convenient if the father is working. My mother always gave my dad an ‘allowance’. I am a very happy single parent right now.</p>

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<p>So sorry for your having pain at a time when you should be having great joy. Hope one of the suggestions above helps. It sounds like your Dad really needs help but is, unfortunately of a personality who won’t acknowledge it or seek it; i.e sounds like your success brought up all his old feelings at having been unsuccessful at college and he is (probably without even realizing it) dealing with them by denial (i.e., telling himself it’s not his old pain of disappointment and failure coming back up…it’s anger that you are tempted to make “stupid choices”) and by projecting his anger/frustration at himself onto you. Knowing all this may not help your college dilemma much, but it may help you not view it as being in any way about you. It’s sad that he needs help badly but will refuse it and make your life difficult instead.</p>

9

<p>It may come down to having a back-up plan in case his hard bottom line really is a community college. What state are you in? I take it, not Florida. Is there a good flagship public university or honors college? If so, a realistic strategy could involve a semester or year at a CC, then a transfer into the flagship. </p>

<p>Suppose there is a good flagship/honors option in your state, in the $20K-$25K range. Could you get your Dad to commit to half the cost, if you make up the difference with loans and work-study? If the answer is “yes”, call admissions immediately to ask if it is not too late to get on board next year.</p>

<p>Or, call the Financial Aid aid people at one of the schools that accepted you (maybe the least expensive one, or the richest one, or the one you like best). Ask about putting together a package of loans and work-study. If you can’t qualify for w-s, ask about other employment opportunities. Math tutors, I’m told, can make $30/hour. </p>

<p>I think you need help from someone outside your family, like your GC. You need to come up with a realistic plan to pay for a school you can be happy with, without costing your Dad more than he’s willing to pay. The “Daddy’s girl” problem is one set of issues, but it sounds like the core problem is money. He is too proud to admit he is uncomfortable with the costs.</p>

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<p>but unfortunately you are being punished for something beyond your control. This is the 2nd time this week I have heard of parents being too self-centered to understand how wonderfully lucky they are to have children who have been applying themselves and are motivated. Unfortunately until you are 24 (or do the irrational like get married or become pregnant) FAFSA prevents you from being able to declare yourself independent in terms of financing so their EFC is a problem. The other posters are correct; try to get your mother to go to bat for you on this one. Legally she could write checks or put bills on a credit card. So sorry for your plight! Are there any relatives or family friends who might intervene on your behalf? Oh, and remember not only is it absolutely not your job to make your father happy, you can’t. That has to come from within.</p>

11

<p>lunitari nailed it. You’ll be at Dad’s mercy as long as you are dependent on him. The sooner he sees you as an independent woman, the better.</p>

<p>Have you considered enlisting in the military? You’d have the funds to put yourself through any school you want once your obligation to them is done, and if you test well you may have some significant say in the field you enter. If you have ROTC at your school, you could speak with them.</p>

<p>I didn’t have the level if difficulty you have, but my parents were totally non-supportive of my going to an away schools. I had to beg to get the $25 for my single application to the flagship. I ended up going in part because I very luckily won a tuition scholarship and I wore them down with my focused desire.</p>

<p>If not the military (which is what my husband did to afford school), then see if you can get him to agree to Florida, and promise to call or skype daily if that makes him feel better about things. Otherwise, break away.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

12

<p>Your father sounds like a flake, sorry to say that. I would seriously consider going to a community college, do very well, then apply again the following year to try to get a full scholarship. You may be able to convince your dad this year to pay for college, but you will have the same battle over and over again for the next 4 years. I don’t think you want to be in that position. My best friend had to beg her heart surgeon (divorced) dad to pay for her tuition each summer. Your dad doesn’t want you to go away or to go a college. He has an issue with you leaving him and probably do better in life than him.</p>

13

<p>Another strategy would be to take a gap year, with or without some community college courses. Come up with a new list of colleges focusing on schools known for good “merit” aid or tuition waivers for middle class families. </p>

<p>The ultimate prize in the latter category is at Harvard/Yale/Princeton/Stanford, which are tuition-free up to a fairly high income level (like, $80K - $200K depending on the school). You don’t say exactly how strong your grades and scores are, but I toss out this option just in case it’s not completely unrealistic. </p>

<p>Or, try for a well-endowed Liberal Arts College like Grinnell. Tulane is a larger school known for generous merit aid. There are others. Talk to your GC, or come back here.</p>

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<p>To be honest, I think the title of your thread says it all. You need to set your priorities, if that is to get to a school you have been accepted to and want to go, or to get your father to respond differently. I agree that you do need some adult counseling to help you with this. </p>

<p>Write to the schools you are interested in, and explain your situation. See what they say. It never hurts to ask. What happened with Florida? Any relatives you can speak with?</p>

<p>Ultimately, you need to decide if you will let him make these choices for you, or if you will pursue your dreams. Difficult choices. The ROTC is an interesting suggestion. </p>

<p>The answer to your original question is this: no one will probably have an effect on your father’s attitude or his willingness to help you. His attempts to disrupt your pursuit of higher education will possibly escalate if he realizes he is losing control. Confrontation is probably not a good option.</p>

<p>Wishing you strength and the best of luck.</p>

15

<p>Maybe I am wrong here but I get the impression that underlying his overwhelming fear your dad has a big heart and is an intelligent person. Before you write him off try only addressing your comments to this ‘better’ person. Start your sentences with, “I have learned my determination from you…” Watching you in your business I have made a plan dealing with …[finances, safety, etc.]. “Dad, because you are so smart, I want to discuss this with you…” “I am a lot like you and want to be successful too but in my own way…” </p>

<p>Do not engage his fearful self which is childish and irrational and see if you can begin a dialog with him through addressing his better qualities. Try this for a week to 10 days, if this doesn’t work try other posters’ good tips on how to get away from/deal with a controlling person. You clearly are a person with a good head on her shoulders and seem to be up for the challenge. There are many, many paths to success and truly no one, not even your dad, can stop you. Best of luck!</p>

16

<p>Your statement about the Florida 529 got me a little worried since we have all my D’s college savings in a 529 and I didn’t think it was tied to a certain state. Below is a statement from the website for the Florida prepaid college plans. You can use the money in Florida but you don’t have to. Here is a link to the website: [Florida</a> Prepaid | Prepaid College | Florida 529 Plans](<a href=“http://www.myfloridaprepaid.com/Plans/]Florida”>Plans & Pricing - Florida Prepaid College Board). </p>

<p>If your parents have a significant amount of money in the 529 plan then maybe your clearing up “the Florida issue” would help a little. </p>

<p>Where can you use it?
Florida Prepaid College Plan: </p>

<p>You may use the plan at any of Florida’s 11 public universities or 28 community colleges (including the nine colleges granting baccalaureate degrees.) and select technical schools. You may transfer the value of the plan (the same amount paid to a public college in Florida) to most private and out-of-state colleges. College admission or continued enrollment is not guaranteed. </p>

<p>Florida College Investment Plan: </p>

<p>You may use the plan at most accredited public or private universities and colleges in the U.S., including graduate or professional schools. College admission or continued enrollment is not guaranteed.</p>

17

<p>You could agree to go to UF (they won’t let you defer to take a gap year) while also secretly applying for Americorps. There are Americorps programs that include housing. All also include stipends that you can live on – subsistence living. Check out all of the variety of types of Americorps programs. </p>

<p>If you get accepted, do not tell your parents because your dad – whom I agree with others – is a control freak playing dangerous mind games with you – until you are leaving for your Americorps orientation. I assume that you have a car and credit cards that you can use. Americorps will reimburse you for your travel costs.</p>

<p>If you are in Florida and have good grades, you should qualify for Bright Futures (which you can use at any public or private school in the state), and your dad’s college plan for you should cover your housing costs. Plus, at the end of your Americorps year, you get $4,700 to use for educational costs. If you do Americorps an additional year, you’d get another $4,700, which would add to your options.</p>

<p>Americorps is very well regarded by colleges. Saying this as someone who knows: My S did a gap year with Americorps after h.s. He applied for colleges during his gap year, and got merit aid to Rollins College, which was his first choice. There are private colleges that will give large merit scholarships to students with extensive community service experience. Do a Google search on “merit scholarships” “community service”.</p>

<p>I normally do not suggest that students make college/gap year decisions behind their parents’ backs. Only doing this with you because it does seem obvious that your dad is a control freak. When I taught college, I had some students whose parents did the things to you that your dad did. Until the students learned that they could not rely on their parents for any support, and indeed, their parents would try to sabotage any productive steps the students took - the students were disappointed and hurt by their parents time and time again.</p>

<p>I particularly saw this in situations in which the student was far more academically successful than the parent had been, and it appeared that instead of feeling proud of their kid, the parent felt envious. For instance, one of my students had managed to get a wonderful athletic scholarship to my school, which was 1,000 miles away from where she lived. Her mother had been a teen mom and had never gone to college. Her mom promised to take her to the bus that would take her to college in time for freshman orientation, but the mom managed to “forget” about this, so her daughter almost didn’t catch the bus.</p>

<p>If you don’t find a way to stand up to your father and live your own life, he’ll forever be jerking you around and preventing you from reaching your potential and achieving your dreams.</p>

<p>It also may be a good idea to talk to a guidance counselor. I’m sure you’re not the only student the GC has had who had overly controlling parents.</p>

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<p>jigfeet, I am very sorry you have to deal with all this. You sound like you’re a smart, mature kid. Your only flaw is thinking you can make your father care. You can’t. I agree with all the others who said it’s all about control for your father. The sooner you can get out from under, the better. Think long-term. You don’t have to go to college this September. Get out, get money, and then do college. All the suggestions above are good ones. I wish you the best.</p>

19

<p>The fact is if you are not financially independent, then… person with the $$ decides. Do not get too upset, you can make it work out for youself no matter where you go. I did, by getting job after CC and many others that paid for the rest of my education all the way thru MBA. I am by far not alone.</p>

20

<p>I just had this thought: if nothing else works for you find out if any of your dream schools will defer your admission for one yer, and explain the reason why. It will give you additional options for the future.</p>