<p>You could call his bluff and invite the local Army or Marine recruiter over for dinner. </p>
<p>If your Dad won’t support your choice then go where he will support you. Make the best of it. Do well, graduate then go to grad school at Emerson.
Attitude is everything.</p>
<p>Oh, I was just going to say EXACTLY what just a mom of 4 said.</p>
<p>The local army recruiter would LOVE to come over to your house and sit in the living room with you and your parents and talk to the three of you about the financial and educational advantages of your joining the army. And an 18 year old can join the army without needing any input from a parent.</p>
<p>You could try telling your dad that community college is not for you and that your top priority is to get out of town, so it is either an out of town college or joining the army. I’m just saying, you could say that…</p>
<p>(I second the Americorps suggestion. I don’t think you should join the army. An ROTC scholarship is nice, but for you, a straight enlistment right now? no)</p>
<p>If you take the advice on military recruiters, realize that they can be very persuasive, and you may not get the nice sounding assignment that they hint that you may get. Do not sign up for the military unless you are comfortable with having to literally fight wars for your country. If you enlist, there’s a good chance that you could end up in a war zone.</p>
<p>I am myself a military veteran, incidentally, so this is not a knock on the military.</p>
<p>Look into what it takes at your schools of choice to get them to consider you financially independent. It’s a long shot, but still.</p>
<p>Look into ROTC if you are eligible for military service. An ROTC scholarship would pay your way and give you a stipend.</p>
<p>Figure out how much you are comfortable with taking out in the way of loans. Note that even for your dream school, $35K/year in loans for four years is a <em>lot</em> of money.</p>
<p>Look for external scholarships.</p>
<p>Consider a gap year during which you can work and save up money.</p>
<p>Note that if you remain financially dependent on him, he is not going to stop this once you go to college. He’ll use it to dictate your major, your class choices, your activities, your friends, your expected level of contact with him. I have seen plenty of people in that situation. I’m a fan of students going where they <em>want</em> to go for college if at all possible, but you should look for as much financial independence as you can get, for your own sake.</p>
<p>“Note that if you remain financially dependent on him, he is not going to stop this once you go to college. He’ll use it to dictate your major, your class choices, your activities, your friends, your expected level of contact with him. I have seen plenty of people in that situation.”</p>
<p>I fully agree, and have seen that happen with some students.</p>
<p>It is painful and difficult to break away from controlling parents, but it is far more painful to be controlled by them for as long as they live.</p>
<p>If you break away, your father also may after a while calm down and respect you and your independence. That’s what happened to one of my former students, whose parents threatened to disown the student if he didn’t go to the college that they preferred. The student had a full ride to another college that the student preferred. When the student chose that college, his parents stopped speaking to him and refused to transport him to college.</p>
<p>They eventually came around, however, well before the student graduated (as one of the top students in the college’s history. The student’s dad even apologized publicly at the graduation party the father hosted for the student.</p>
<p>I thought about you all day. When I was in college I dated a boy that my parents never met but did not approve of. They cut off my college education. Determined not to fail, I wrote letters to the President of my university, and he responded in kindness with a full scholarship to fund my senior year. (By then, I was very involved with the school and was even a student assistance leader.) </p>
<p>At the time, I thought my dad’s controlling ways were cruel and unfair. And today at 44, I still think the same. However, now I am glad that my schooling was revoked because it was in that moment that I began to take control of my own life and choices. My father no longer owned me. Since then I have worked my a** off and built a business. (Funny, my retired father now works for ME!) And our relationship for the past 23 years has been built on new ground that does not involve money. I hope you find a way to free yourself from your controlling father. Lesson learned even after college is NOT to accept money from certain parents (not all) because then they might feel like they have a say in your life. My older sister kept taking money and she get so frustrated when my parents comment on her job, her kids, her weight, her vacations. But to me, they say nothing.</p>
<p>I truly feel for you. You have received some great advice from parents to your question. I hope can find the strength to act on this advice. And then go find your bliss…</p>
<p>I’ve heard that the Air Force National Guard is the branch of the military least likely to get you to Iraq. I’m guessing the Coast Guard would be good, too.</p>
<p>Unfortunately your mother has no $$power so she is will follow your father’s lead. Any grandparents or aunts or uncles that can give you support? Your father is employing all the scare tactics utilized by insecure control bullies… He is financially secure and has lead you on to believe he will pay for your education. You ask for help and he says “You’re so smart figure it out yourself.” He flies with you to look at colleges but doesn’t go on the tours. He badmouths colleges you’ve chosen. He makes new stipulations for you attending college on a whim. Stop the madness and enroll at the community college if that’s all you can afford. Make good grades and transfer to a state university. Graduate and work hard. I bet he will take all the credit for your success.</p>
<p>You have the option to defer at the UW. My family and friends say I am not a hugger, but kid–you deserve a hug. Good luck to you. I just came across this today looking for other info:</p>
<p>Admitted domestic freshman students who wish to postpone enrollment until a future term can request a deferral. Deferrals may be granted for a variety of reasons, most commonly to allow a student to spend time overseas or perform community service. Strongly qualified students may request deferred admission by completing the Freshman Request for Deferral, following an offer of admission to the university. </p>
<p>Please note-- deferred admission will only be granted for one or two semesters to admitted students. Deferred students may not enroll at another college or university or in a program that grants college credit. A deferred student who does so will forfeit the deferred admission status. Deferred students will maintain admission to and enrollment in the College of Letters and Science Honors Program. Deferred students must reapply to UW–Madison for the desired term of admission.</p>
<p>Jig, I don’t know if my story can help you but your post brought back a flood of memories from a similar experience. I also had a mercurial, controlling father who sometimes let his temper get the best of him - not to the level of beatings, but he would “roar” if he was frustrated or not getting his own way and it was quite intimidating. He would also change plans suddenly regardless of how important it was to me or my sisters. In my jr/sr year, he suddenly got the idea that he could control me in ways that I neither understood nor deserved - suddenly badmouthing girls I’d grown up with and been best friends with for years, telling me I could no longer see my boyfriend (who was a great kid and very good to me), my clubs and any leadership positions I held were all nonsense, etc. My mom couldn’t make a dent in his wrongheaded reasoning, nor could his favorite sister. It got to an intolerable level and I finally walked. Literally, walked out the door one day with no explanation at all and went to a friend’s house. Had a sitdown conversation with friend’s mom, who later called my mom to let her know I was safe. I had a part time job and figured that I could probably bounce from friend to friend for a few months til graduation. I flat out refused to go back home, despite my mom calling many times, until she assured me that my dad agreed to let up and act like a reasonable adult.<br>
He did, and 6-8 hours of “running away from home” forever changed the dynamics of our relationship. He seemed to find new respect for me and treated me as an adult after that. We had our disagreements over the years, but he always backed off when it came to letting me make decisions about my life and he turned into one of my best friends and greatest supporters. He died several years ago and I still miss him every single day.</p>
<p>Sometimes you just have to make a stand. I was willing to go to CC, or whatever severing the dad tie would have meant, to get respect. Also, I expect he was somewhat embarrassed at having other people know he was acting like a jerk for no reason other than because he could. Since then, I’ve helped several women to break free of controlling (and sometimes abusive) men - not saying your dad is these things, but controlling sounds like a definite candidate. Very often taking a firm stand is the only way to go. But one has to be emotionally ready and committed to the idea that they deserve to be trusted and treated with respect. And, of course, have a plan that ensures physical safety at all times. Good luck!</p>
<p>well-this is a little different that others but I think you need to say, very simply, “I love you, You will always be someone I love, however if you do not start talking to me and help me figure this out and help me pay for this then our relationship will be ruined”. And then stop begging. Start figuring out your other plan. Stop trying so hard. Let him know (because while this sounds manipulative it is actually the truth–you will have a very hard time forgiving him and being close to him) that he is acting in a way that will hurt your future relationship with him. Also–are you positive that he knows how to fill out the paper work, does he have dyslexia, are there other things he is hiding out of shame? It is not that uncommon for a successful business person to have LD’s and have compensated for them.</p>
<p>I hve not read the whole thread. I stopped when reading that the EFC is $35K. While that is the EFC of people much better off than most, it’s not the EFC of a wealthy family that can easily afford an expensive college in many cases. In fact, many that have an EFC in that area who live a life that feels ‘well off’ can not afford to pay for high priced colleges.</p>
<p>I’m wondering if it’s just too painful for dad, who wants everything for his daughter, to tell you he can’t afford the college of your choice.</p>
<p>I am truly grateful for the kindness you guys have shown. Is it sad that 25 replies from complete strangers have enlightened me and helped me more than my parents have in years? Very sad.</p>
<p>Ok, I’m going to respond to these and see if it makes a difference in anyone’s opinion.</p>
<p>@everyone who said ROTC or service at all: I am completely not against it and wish I was cut out to do it, but I am just one of those people who are so very unsuited for that. Or so I think I am. I know, if I wanted it bad enough I would do anything for it, but I feel that I would fail in that and be miserable moreso than I woud at community college. However, I am not quite sure. It is definitely something to think about. Please don’t think me a spoiled child or something, I just don’t think I’m cut out for it. I do, however, greatly appreciate that different option, since I hadn’t even considered it before.</p>
<p>@everyone who mentioned a guidance counselor or any help from my school: I unfortunately go to a tiny–extremely poorly run–and do not have a guidance counselor or anyone that could remotely help me. </p>
<p>Yes, I do vent to my mom, and she sides with my whole-heartedly…but like I said, she holds no stature. She also–and I cannot believe I am sharing this–has major problems…depression and severe alcoholism…so it makes her even less of a player.</p>
<p>You know, I cannot believe it–ok I can–my dad is doing to me what he did to my brother. My brother is finishing his 2nd year at community college as we speak. He was extremely smart as well but slacked off his jr and sr year and completely destroyed his GPA. He applied to Iowa State and was accepted, but my dad refused to pay because he said my brother was too immature and didn’t deserve to go to college. I actually agreed with this (he was extremely extremely immature), and didn’t understand until just recently that my dad’s ‘reason’ wasn’t the case at all. It was just my dad being his controlling self. So, he made him go to community college, 5 mins from home, and then my bro moved to an apartment 10 mins away. Then suddenly their relationship was amazing, and all previous problems melted away. I never understood it, but I do now. My dad got what he wanted and stopped causing hell in my brother’s life.</p>
<p>I was speaking with my brother tonight about all of this, and I think we figured it out: he really isn’t complicated, and his reasoning is simple. See, my dad is an EXTREMELY fiscal person. He shops at the 99 cent store and buys his clothes at Costco. We don’t go on vacations or anything either. He is also extremely protective, and the thought of letting me go just kills him (I think). So he doesn’t want to let me go at all, and by making me go to community college here or in IA, he not only gets me close to home/by my brother, but also saves a ton of money. So in his mind, it is just an easy simple logical fix.</p>
<p>I wish one of you was my parent. I don’t mean that badly, although it is pathetic. I just feel like I have been strung along for 4 years now by my dad, behaving ‘perfectly’ because he continually threatened not to pay for college, and then finally at the end I should get this reward that he has promised…and it isn’t there. It was all a big game. I’m sorry for the sob woe tone. I’m actually in hysterics as I write this, as I just got home from work and my mom–nearly passed out–said my dad told her today that comm college was what my only option is. Yet, he has not told me that and is currently not home, so I am sitting here wondering how I went from dream school possibilities to comm college…in 14 days.</p>
<p>Thanks again for all the help, and I will continue reading and replying and cherishing the kind words.</p>
<p>I think that the hurt is on two points. 1. is the obvious that you feel you have to give up the dream schools that you have worked hard for. Do not discount the advice from many to directly contact one or all of the schools and see if they have any suggestions.</p>
<p>The second point is harder: you are coming to grips with your disappointment and betrayal by your father. From what you have just written you still are holding on to the idea that he loves you so much he doesn’t want you to go away. You need to consider the idea that it is controlling behavior, and out of his needs, not what is best for you. </p>
<p>Someone once told me something very smart, and I believe it: people only have control over you if you let them have it. This is your choice. You need to realize that you have choices and even if you choose to acquiesce and go to community college for a year, it is your decision. You are not powerless in this situation. </p>
<p>We have never asked when your 18th birthday is. That may be important. Look again at Americorps; at deferred admission; at what your ability to access that 529 might be if it is in your name. </p>
<p>Read again the posts from people who have been through similar situations and how they have handled them.</p>
<p>Gather information; try to quell the hurt so you can focus. Take control.
We are all routing for you!</p>
<p>Just say “screw it” and enroll at Emerson, your first choice. Let him worry about the bills.</p>
<p>He was okay with it at first right? Frankly, if my father treated me like this, I’d never speak to him again after I finish school.</p>
<p>I say find your own way through college and don’t EVER speak to him again. You’ve been hurt once and you don’t need to be hurt again. I’m so sorry for your plight. Any parent should be proud that their child is doing better than they are.</p>
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<p>I’m surprised the student even spoke to their parents again. I’d certainly never talk to them again.</p>
<p>Of course none of those parents ever had me. When it comes to academics, my parents gave me the reins in 10th grade.</p>
<p>Congrats on the acceptances. Yours is a tough story. I’m sorry for your pain. You have been dealt an unfortunate hand. </p>
<p>You need to find a way to break the yoke of bondage. You need to find a way to pay for college yourself. You are too good of a student to go to a community college. If you can convincingly get by without your father’s support, there is a chance that he will just come around and pay. If not, you have to do without. Get your mother to help you as much as she is able. Maybe this means help accessing your 529 as another poster mentioned. </p>
<p>Plan A: Go to UFlorida (I gather that you live in Florida). Borrow the money if you have to. DON’T TAKE MONEY FROM YOUR FATHER IF IT MEANS HE HAS CONTROL AND CAN WITHDRAW THAT SUPPORT AT WILL. </p>
<p>Plan B: This may seem riskier, and I’m assuming that you are 18. Defer the admission at Emerson. Move to Boston, get a day job and a summer sublet. MIT fraternities rent rooms really cheap for the summer. Almost all apartments in student neighborhoods are Sept-Sept. That’s why you can sublet so easily for the summer. Craigslist is a great resource. Look for a full-time day job for the school year that pays you enough to live with roommates and to take Harvard Extension classes at night. They cost about $800 each and are very high quality. You want to qualify for a degree program but not apply for one just yet. You want to view this as a gap year so that you can reapply to schools in 2010 as a freshman so that you can get merit aid. Most full rides are only given to freshmen - if you matriculate anywhere, that ship has sailed. To qualify for a degree program at the Extension school, you need to have completed at least 3 classes with a certain GPA, and one of them must be E-25 (Expository Writing). That fills up really fast, so make sure you register the first day of registration which I think is in August. You will need a credit card for that, so make sure you have one. Take 2 per semester; you need to do well. Tell Emerson that you want to go there, but that your parents can’t pay yet. You are taking a gap year and plan to enroll in 2010. Now look carefully on CC to find schools that offer full rides to students with very high ACT scores like yourself. Pittsburgh is one, Alabama is another, there may be more. If you can get into a good school with a full ride for 2010, you have achieved total independence! If you don’t, you have qualified for a degree program at Harvard Extension and you can just continue your difficult life as a nontraditional student. It may take you a little longer to get your degree. After actually picking up, moving out, and successfully becoming independent, your father might just pony up the money to attend Emerson, but then again he might not. If he does, before you turn away a full ride, get the money. Either way, you’re making forward progress toward a better life under your own control. Your mom and brother will be proud! Your father might be too.</p>
<p>I agree with this:</p>
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<p>Tell him you are going to Emerson and that’s it. Give them his address for the bills. Let him know you are going to Boston anyway, and if its for college you’ll come home for vacations.</p>
<p>By the way, I think most blustering/ bully control freak types, within a family setting, respond well to firmness. You have to take control …you have a lot of power so use it.</p>
<p>CRD really rocks.</p>
<p>I like Plan B.</p>
<p>“Going to Emerson and that’s it” is not realistic. At best, you will wind up out-bullying your Dad. That’s not the lesson you want to learn from him. Hard work and independence is.</p>