<p>I’m so sorry Jigfeet. I don’t even know what else to say. This is so much bigger than college. You’ve endured so much pain yet you’re still amazing. Let yourself mourn whatever way you need to. Just please hold it all together for just a bit longer. When you’re ready, your future will still be there for you.</p>
<p>Well, another update.</p>
<p>My mom passed away on August 1st, 2009 at the age of 46. It has been incredibly difficult, but each day gets a bit better. Every day has been a bad day for my dad though; he’s not handling this well at all. I know it must be so much harder, given they were married for 24 years. I was supposed to leave this past tuesday, but I changed my flight and am actually leaving tomorrow night at 10:30. I am extremely scared. I got my 3 big boxes packed yesterday with most of the things I want to bring. The boxes cost 330$ to ship, but I don’t really regret it. I want to be surrounded by my stuff. I want to bring my fluffy rug and pillow and stuff, but I obviously can’t. I just don’t like change. My dad is going to sell our house and most of our stuff I am sure, so I won’t really have a home to come back to. I am just obviously used to having someone at home, and having my dad there with me. Now I will basically be alone. I don’t know, all of my nerves are getting the best of me and the worries are setting in. I just wish my mom was with me, even if she would have be a pain in the butt.</p>
<p>Life goes on though. Slowly and painfully sometimes, but it always moves on. </p>
<p>I will update you all again when I get to Iowa. Ugh…I have to find a bed, dresser, desk, etc. Money money money. Thanks for all of your warm wishes though guys. They mean a lot.</p>
<p>You are an amazing girl, jigfeet. I haven’t posted here yet although I have read the entire thread. I am a parent, 56 years old, with two daughters in college (which is why I am often on CC). I just want you to know that so many people have you in their thoughts and are pulling for you. My mother also passed away at the age of 46. It was an accident and so very sudden. I have missed her my whole life, as you will yours, but it has made me a stronger person and I know it has made me a better mother than I would have been otherwise.</p>
<p>Life goes on, though that is hard to accept with things as painful as they are right now. Go ahead with your plans, make many wonderful new friends and they will become your family. I know you will find your way and be happy because I have seldom if ever seen a person with as much determination as you. Please keep posting so we can see how you are doing, offer our advice and continue to be supportive. I wish you the best and know that good things will come to you.</p>
<p>I am so sorry that your mother has died. I have tremendous admiration for you as you leave you college. </p>
<p>Far too soon, you are discovering that home is not just one thing. You will make new homes, honoring your mother by taking the good from her and leaving the rest. Your father will be another home. </p>
<p>You’ve no idea how many of us are supporting you from afar, cheering you on and believing in you. You can post here anytime.</p>
<p>Jigfeet:</p>
<p>I have been wondering every day about you since your last post. I am so sorry about your mom. She was difficult but she was your mom. There was lots of good mixed in with the bad.
It makes leaving home difficult, but recall how eager you were to leave when you first posted? Bear in mind the title of this thread and look forward to being a college student. You are scared now, but with your warm personality, you will make friends quickly, and some of these will be friends for life.
I know you will do well in college; it is the best thing you can do to honor your mom and reassure your dad that he was right to let you go. Let your dad know that you will keep in touch regularly, that you love him, that you hope he will come and visit and that you will visit him–wherever he decides to relocate. Good luck to both of you!</p>
<p>Please accept my heartfelt condolences, Jigfeet. Always keep a warm place in your heart for your mother.</p>
<p>Right now, you are going through so many transitions that I can only imagine how frightened and overwhelmed you must feel. As many have said, you’ve already shown enormous strength on this thread, and it will get you through the coming year. I know you will be able to make it all work.</p>
<p>Good luck! And use this thread as a touchstone when you feel the need.</p>
<p>Jigfeet,</p>
<p>I am very sorry to hear about your mother. I send your condolences and the hope that as you move on with your life, you’ll find the peace, strength and support that you deserve.</p>
<p>Jigfeet, I am so sorry about your mom. No matter what kind of relationship you had with her, she was your mother and you loved her.
I wish you the best.</p>
<p>Jigfeet, I am so sorry to hear of your mom’s passing. Of course you’re feeling scared - you just lost your mother and you will soon lose the home you grew up in. As you go forward, keep your mother in your heart and remember that home is where your loved ones are, not just lumber and paint. You will soon create a new home for yourself, filled with friends. I wish you could take your fluffy rug though! I don’t suppose you could roll it up and put it on the plane?</p>
<p>Please keep us updated. We are all rooting for you.</p>
<p>Hope all is going well for Jigfeet… Sending positive thoughts her way…</p>
<p>Jigfeet, I missed the news about your mom. You have my deepest sympathies. Please keep us posted about this next phase of your life. You’re in our thoughts.</p>
<p>Update:</p>
<p>Hey guys, just checking back in. YES, I am still alive and trying to make it on my own. Not the most fun thing I could possibly be doing.</p>
<p>I flew up here on my own and with the help of a close friend in another city, I managed to clean and fix up my room in my house that I am renting, buy a mattress/bed, desk, dressers, nightstand, mirrors, pillows, towels…etc. All the necessities of living I suppose. Lots of Goodwill hunting and craigslist searching. My car arrived here shortly after, and within a week I started my retail job as a transfer. I went to orientation myself and figured out the city by myself. I signed up for my one class, (unfortunately I can’t do 2 classes since the mandatory rhetoric class is 4 credit hrs and I can’t exceed 6 while I gain residency), but I am taking honors accelerated rhetoric. Figured out the bus system as well! </p>
<p>After a month I realized being a student and working 40 hrs a week at retail not only sucked, but also wasn’t enough money for the work I was doing. So on my breaks at work, I searched for a job in the restaurant industry, so I could make more money. After numerous applications and interviews, I landed a job as a waitress in a restaurant just outside of the city. I now work 2 jobs at about 40 hours a week and am starting community service as it is required for my rhetoric class. </p>
<p>Balancing 40 hrs of work, 10 hrs of community service, a class that gives this most busy work I’ve ever known (anyone know anything about writing a legislative testimony? If so–please let me know!!! Ugh I have 2 weeks to write and give one…help!) AND having to grocery shop and somehow cook myself meals–or LEARN to cook haha–and have a slice of a social life is just…ridiculous.</p>
<p>I have no idea how you guys do this. Things like going to the dentist or getting a haircut–2 things I desperately need–have fallen waaaaay down to the bottom of my priority list. I wish there were more hours in the day.</p>
<p>Geeze I sound like my mom!</p>
<p>Ok, speaking of my mother. The first week here was ridiculously hard. The phone calls stopped, the emails stopped, the visits from friends stopped, and the first night I was alone in my new room was the worst night I’ve ever had. I sobbed and sobbed for a good 5 hours. I had never felt so empty or alone in my entire life. It’s a terrible feeling, feeling as if a part of you has completely vanished, and you need it back and you try to get it back…but you can never ever recover it. I randomly broke down crying nearly everyday for the first few weeks. Either a song came on the radio that reminded me of her, or I thought I smelled her perfume…basically everything reminds me of my mom. She’s my mom…she IS–WAS–part of every single part of my life. Thinking that she will never see my graduate, fall in love, get married, be pregnant, have babies, see her grandchildren…it still makes me want to cry. How can you go through life knowing that the one person who is supposed to be there through it all…won’t be? How do you handle knowing that you will never again be able to speak to your mother again until you yourself die? Yes I can speak to her up in heaven, or in my dreams…but comeon. I want to call her up just one more time and ask her how to make her meatloaf, or what glass cleaner she always used. People keep telling me to ‘hang in there!’ ‘you’ll get through this!’ ‘just stay strong!’…but I am so TIRED of getting through things and always having to hang in there. Why can’t it just be smooth and slightly normal? I don’t want to keep overcoming things and being that worst case scenerio. I just want…happiness.</p>
<p>It has been a really difficult time. Thankfully, for the past month or so, I’ve stopped crying everyday. I hardly cry once every few weeks. I’ve accepted it, but it is still extremely difficult, especially with all of the everyday stress I have to handle myself. I did go to one grief group meeting, but it was pointless and made me feel more alone. Not too many 18 yr olds lose their mothers apparently. At least none in that group. My dad is taking this even harder than I am, as they were married nearly 25 years. He is back at home, alone, and is just not doing well. But we are both moving on and accepting it. I am flying back home in December and staying for 3 weeks, so he is excited about that, which gives him hope and something to look forward to.</p>
<p>No he has not budged much on helping me out. He did send me $300 for winter though, since I own nothing but sandals and shorts! I am hoping that since he won’t be claiming be as a dependent next year, and I work full time, claim myself as independent, and am literally independent in every sense of the word…I can get some type of financial aid next year? Someone said that was possible, but I am not sure. I hope so!</p>
<p>Right now I am supposed to be figuring out how to do a stupid legislative testimony, laundry, and getting ready for work…BUT I figured I would update you guys instead. Priorities–ha!</p>
<p>Thanks for reading guys, and I still look back on this and can’t believe how much my life has drastically changed since March. 2009 has been a hell year for me. But hopefully it doesn’t get worse. I just have to keep staying strong. I will definitely keep you updated on my life. You were there for me when I was…not. </p>
<p><3</p>
<p>You have been in my thoughts, and I am so glad that you posted an update. Please continue to stay in touch. Many people here care about you.</p>
<p>Can you get individual counseling at the college you’re attending? That may be the best way to get the kind of support that would benefit you. There also may be campus groups for students from dysfunctional families, and such a group may be a good place for you to find support. Also check out Adult Children of Alcoholics Al-Anon groups. They include on-line forums. It’s likely you’ll encounter others in such groups who’ve lost parents when they were young: [Welcome</a> to Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.](<a href=“http://www.adultchildren.org/]Welcome”>http://www.adultchildren.org/)</p>
<p>Take care of your health including getting flu shots and eating healthfully. You are under a great deal of stress, and that makes one vulnerable to illnesses.</p>
<p>jigfeet, I’m so proud of you and all you have done for yourself. Your mom is watching over you and all us “cybermoms” are cheering for you. {{hugs}} Take care. You’re in our thoughts.</p>
<p>Good luck!!!</p>
<p>{{{{ hugs }}}}</p>
<p>Jigfeet:</p>
<p>Thanks so much for updating us. I’d been wondering how you were doing. I am so proud of you for being so self-reliant. </p>
<p>On legislative testimony, you need to select a topic then work on it, whether it is a request for funding or advocacy on behalf of some cause. Google “legislative testimony” for examples. The idea is for it to be clear and concise and to grab the attention of listeners. It’s meant to be delivered orally to an audience of legislators. You need some evidence, perhaps an anecdote or two to make your point more vividly, a bit of humor perhaps? In other words, a good, substantive speech (as opposed to an essay on the same topic).</p>
<p>So glad to see your update! Congratulations on everything you have achieved so far. Grief takes more energy than you may realize. Don’t put any time limits on it, but if you feel that you need some understanding or respite, I agree that Alanon would be a good place to look for that.</p>
<p>You have a lot on your plate - too much maybe? Think about the phrase “strategic abandonment.” What can you give up or put off that doesn’t affect your core goals? Definitely not healthy food and enough sleep. The teeth and hair can wait until your holiday break. Perhaps next semester you could take a class that’s more fun and isn’t so demanding (and doesn’t have a community service requirement).</p>
<p>Good luck and keep us posted. We all care a lot about you.</p>
<p>Do get to know your professors. Use their office hours, and let them know that you’re working fulltime and are sending yourself through college after your mother’s death last summer.</p>
<p>I was a professor, and had students who were in situations very similar to yours. This included students who had lost both parents and were sending themselves through college. Because I knew what they were going through, I would mentor them a bit more than students whom I knew had support from home. I’d also keep them abreast of scholarship and job opportunities. Ten years after I stopped teaching, I am still in touch with some of those students, who have become like extended family.</p>
<p>Letting your profs know now about your situation will also increase the chance that they’ll be supportive if you get sick or have other difficulties that cause you to fall behind on your work. Unfortunately, there are many students who are lazy and tell lies to profs to try to not be held accountable for academic problems they caused themselves. They tend to show up at semester’s end with some pitiful tale of woe. That’s why it would be a good idea to get to know your professors well now. If you get the flu or have other problems that cause you to fall behind, professors whom you have gotten to know early in the semester are more likely to allow you to take an incomplete, redo a test or do make-up work than are professors who haven’t had a chance to get to know you.</p>
<p>Do get a flu shot. College is stressful in itself, and due to the stress, many students get sick during finals. You’ve got much more stress than most, so please take care of your health. Marinmom’s suggestion was excellent: "You have a lot on your plate - too much maybe? Think about the phrase “strategic abandonment.” What can you give up or put off that doesn’t affect your core goals? "</p>
<p>Jigfeet, Thank you so much for updating! You have a support group here at cc, and we are all pulling for you!</p>
<p>Hi guys…seem to have hit another roadblock and didn’t know where else to turn. I know, it’s another long update filled with melodramatic selfishness.</p>
<p>I really am sorry.</p>
<p>I went home for the holidays and the house was changed around and my dad had gotten rid of a lot of stuff of my mom’s. He was his usual self, though he acted like I was a burden in his life again. He said he is planning on selling the house, whether in 4 months or 4 years he doesn’t know, but he wanted me to completely empty my room out before I left. So I could only afford to ship a few boxes back, and had to throw the majority of items from my childhood away, as not much would fit in the boxes. I could only take a few things of my mother’s as well, so who knows where my baby clothes and memories will end up. </p>
<p>He also has a girlfriend, whom he is taking to Las Vegas today to spend a week of money and fun. Then he is off to a job interview. Oh yes, he quit his job two months ago because he “wasn’t happy with his partners.” He says this excuse every two years and then quits his job, which is why we’ve moved around every 2 years my entire life. Then he is off to the Superbowl where he has rented a penthouse suite for himself and will be in Florida for an entire week with his buddies.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, I enrolled in two classes this semester to fulfill the 6 credit hr maximum, and realized that out-of-state costs for 6 credit hrs is 6,000$. I knew my dad wouldn’t pay for that, so I dropped a class and am now taking one at Iowa and one at a community college nearby. I am also trying to get a start on internships, as the magazine world cares less about grades than it does experience. But that has fallen to the bottom of my priority list now.</p>
<p>Last night my dad called my brother and told my brother he could only enroll in one class this semester, as he can’t afford to pay for college anymore. Yes, he called and told him that from his hotel in LAS VEGAS. It is only a matter of time before he calls and tells me the same thing. We both know he can afford it…he just does not want to. His priorities have obviously shifted to himself even further, and instead cut us off. Do you know that he has 19 foreign designer watches at home, the cheapest of them cost $4,000? NINETEEN WATCHES. And he cannot afford college for us. I am just stuck. He had promised me $3,000 dollars a year for college, and recently talked about giving more. He even paid for last semesters class and fees! My brother assured me my dad would come through for me, as he paid for my brother’s first 2 years of college without many complaints. I managed to get one class out of him before he closed up.</p>
<p>So, if he actually cannot afford college, then FAFSA should be able to help us out!</p>
<p>He won’t fill out the FAFSA. He says his finances are nobody’s business; he says he refuses to go through all the work of figuring them out; he says he just won’t do it. So without FAFSA, not only do I not have ANY chance of getting aid, I can’t get the government loans, and I cannot apply for any need-based scholarship or any scholarship that requires a FAFSA. I cannot apply to merit-based loans because I am not a full-time student, and even then, many of them require me to have a sophomore status—when I hardly have a freshman status with the little credit hours I have! So that leaves me to private loans, or the chance of a random scholarship. I have to finance my entire education through private loans, when I am actually “needy”. </p>
<p>I’m sorry…I just…guys I feel broken. I haven’t felt this cornered and hopeless since this entire matter started. I have done everything right…I really have. I got the grades in high school, I’m getting the grades in college. I was working 2 jobs…I am self sufficient completely! I am establishing residency and dealing with the grief of my mother, and I put on a apathetic face because I have no choice. And there is no worth in crying because you have to be strong and move on. </p>
<p>But I feel defeated. I’ve slipped through the cracks of my school, of the government, and even in my family. I’m not a bad person, I’m really not…and yet I just can’t find a ledge to hold onto. Everybody views me as a dependent of my las vegas-going, porsche owning father until age 24…when I stopped being part of his life years ago. I don’t want to take two classes a semester and finish college in 7 years…that just isn’t fair. I know I’m being selfish, life isn’t fair and here I am complaining about college when thousands of people are lost in the Haiti earthquauke. I’m sorry. I’m selfish.</p>
<p>I am just so infuriated and completely broken down. I wish I could sit the President down or someone from Congress or SOMETHING and just tell them how screwed up the system is. It’s defeated me. I am tired of trying this hard. I don’t have time to go to grief groups because I am working. I don’t have time to go talk to a counselor for my anxiety and depression that I don’t share here, because I am working. And now I am just ashamed for complaining. </p>
<p>Anyways, that is my update. I thought 2010 would be better, but I think that it’s going to be a continual cycle until I graduate. Hope all of your holidays were warm and you were able to spend time with your family—it truly is the only thing that matters.</p>