calling all parents!: how do I make my dad care?!

Parents Forum
41

<p>I think lunitari hit the nail on the head, jigfeet. </p>

<p>It sounds like you definitely drew the short straw on emotionally healthy parents. Based on your description, your dad is TROUBLE. He is not good for you. He will not be good for you. You cannot make him care. Ever. Like lunitari said, I’m afraid you’re not daddy’s little girl, but daddy’s little mind-control victim.</p>

<p>I disagree with the poster who suggested you come at him from a different, more flattering angle. From the way I read your dad, from your description, he has a major problem – and changing the way you talk to him is not going to fix his problem. It’s only going to prolong your frustration and disappointment.</p>

<p>Advice to keep trying “this” or “that” to get through to him is only going to mislead you into believing that, in some twisted way, “it’s you.” Don’t be mislead into believing that you have control over the unhealthy dynamic between the two of you, or that IF you’ll just behave “this” way, then you can get him to behave “that” way. If he’s as sick as he sounds, he’s going to act the way he acts - and you get to take it or leave it.</p>

<p>You don’t have to disown him (or you could), but the sooner you recognize that he is a little sick (perhaps not just a little), the sooner you’ll be on your way to a more emotionally healthy life.</p>

<p>Dad is who he is – you want him to be a cherry tree; but he’s a horse apple tree. (Horse apples? those big green, gross, grapefruit-brain looking things in the south that are full of sticky slime and have only one purpose that I’ve ever heard of, and it’s a wives’ tale I think – keeping cockroaches out of a basement when split open). Yes, Dad will always be a horse apple tree. You can learn to take him for what he is - but never forget who he is. Or you can leave him for what he is - a horse apple tree. In no case can you ever make him a cherry tree.</p>

<p>I’m sorry. You sound like you’re handling your life beautifully to this moment. You sound mature, accomplished, and wise for your years. Good for you for focusing your energies in all the right places.</p>

<p>Now, start seeing your dad in a new light. Even after reading all of these posts from semi-alarmed parents, you turned right around and explained away your dad’s behavior - he just doesn’t want to lose his little girl; he’s worried about money. Sweet girl, your dad has bigger problems than that. Grasp it. And then move forward with more power - you get to be in control of how much emotional abuse you’ll take from him. Please, don’t take much more.</p>

<p>I obviously can’t help with the college dilemma. You live with the man, and he loves you (of that I’m sure - it’s just a more self-centered, self-serving love than is healthy for children). If YOU can’t make him care, then I certainly can’t. Good luck in all things, jigfeet! I’m sure you’ll be on my mind for a while …</p>

42

<p>I just read this post and am beginning to think this is made up. First clue is that they flew 5000 miles to visit these schools! Then she states that her controlling Dad dropped her at Emerson in the middle of Boston and flew home leaving her to find her way to the airport and fly to Georgia, book a hotel, get a taxi to the college, taxi back to the airport, and then book a flight back home all on her own! Who would leave their 17/18 year old daughter in Boston like that? He does not like to spend money but changed and cancelled all these flights? How did she book these flights by herself? I doubt she has a credit card? Does not make sense!</p>

43

<p>OP, don’t respond to bfraz. People here try to help each other. There are some really unfortunate situations. OP sounds all too real to me and has plenty of other posts to back them up. I don’t think she needs to defend her story.</p>

44

<p>““Going to Emerson and that’s it” is not realistic. At best, you will wind up out-bullying your Dad. That’s not the lesson you want to learn from him. Hard work and independence is.”</p>

<p>I agree. </p>

<p>I think there are many ways – including other options suggested in this thread – that you can go to a 4-year college. You may not be able to go to Emerson, but you should be able to find a way to go elsewhere, though doing so may require you to take a gap year</p>

<p>Americorps apps may be closed for this year, but they also may reopen as Congress is passing or has already passed legislation to triple the size of the program.</p>

<p>Please work on accepting the viewpoints of parents like me who are saying your dad is extremely controlling, and what he considers loving behavior isn’t a healthy way of showing love. Certainly, your dad and mom may love you. Most parents – no matter how dysfunctional – love their kids. However, it doesn’t sound like either of your parents are able to demonstrate love in a way that is healthy.</p>

<p>Al-Anon groups (which are for any person whose life is affected by another’s alcoholism), Adult Children of Alcoholics groups and Al-Ateen Groups would offer you the opportunity to get support and learn from others’ experience, strength and hope. There even are on-line groups. The groups also are anonymous and are located all over the country including on college campuses. I strongly recommend that you check those groups out. </p>

<p>I used to be a therapist who helped treat more than 1,000 alcoholics and their families. What you’re experiencing – an obviously dysfunctional alcoholic parent – and a parent who has seemed functional by comparison, but actually is very dysfunctional – is typical in alcoholic families. It can be hard to know what normal is, and it can be hard to know what to do about situations and concerns that one encounters in such families. That’s why the organizations that I mentioned can help as can reading some of the many books and articles designed to help offspring of alcoholics. </p>

<p>[About</a> NACoA](<a href=“http://www.nacoa.org/aboutnacoa.htm]About”>http://www.nacoa.org/aboutnacoa.htm)
[Adult</a> Children - Adult Children of Alcoholics](<a href=“http://alcoholism.about.com/od/adult/Adult_Children_of_Alcoholics.htm]Adult”>Adult Children of Alcoholics: Behaviors and Getting Support)
[The</a> Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.](<a href=“http://www.adultchildren.org/lit/Problem.s]The”>http://www.adultchildren.org/lit/Problem.s)</p>

45

<p>jigfeet, I just read back to your post #33. Man oh man, I wish I could jump through the computer and give you a hug.</p>

<p>Listen, there are a lot of dysfunctional fathers out there. I got one of them. In significant ways, he would have made yours look nice. However, it is not helpful to demonize these men. Among my siblings, the one who continues to do so is the one who has walked the rockiest road in life. If you cannot distinguish good from bad in your parents, you’ll have trouble making that distinction in yourself and others. So it is a strength in you that you can still love and respect him. But you have to learn to do that without making excuses for him. Al-anon might help you there.</p>

<p>Take the good part, the example of hard work and thrift, and learn from that. Firmly, but lovingly if possible, refuse to bend to the rest. Life will continue to drop obstacles in your path but you WILL get through this.</p>

46

<p>I don’t know if this helps, but I knew a girl who went to Community College for two years, then transferred–to Harvard! With a scholarship! Given the manipulations of your father in this whole process, I am not at all surprised that this was his intention all along. It really sucks. If you had known this was the deal, maybe you could have planned accordingly, and tried to go to schools that would give you full rides. Frankly I don’t think the Emerson plan would work–if he doesn’t actually pay the bill, you can’t go. But you sound like a good person, a smart person, someone who’s going to be okay. God bless the child who’s got her own!</p>

47

<p>OP, in order to gain control of your own life, you may need to distance yourself – even completely cut ties – with your parents for a while. That doesn’t mean, however, that you should plan on doing this permanently. This is something, though, that you can work out as you find a way of living your life and pursuing your dreams – regardless of your father’s actions that are designed to control you.</p>

<p>You definitely are not alone in the kind of struggle you’re having. I have at least 2 adult female friends who grew up with the kind of parents that you had (including having an alcoholic parent and a controlling parent), and who ended up finding a way to send themselves to a 4-year college. When I taught college, I also encountered students with similar concerns.</p>

48

<p>I have a different strategy, given what the OP has said about her father. </p>

<p>OP, sit him down and tell him that, particularly in today’s economic climate, the value of a prestigious college degree is greater than ever. You’ll need every edge you can get in today’s world. Then, and this is the important part, tell him that since you will someday be taking care of HIM, you will want to make sure that you can comfortably support yourself and save for the future.</p>

<p>You see, he sounds selfish. This college process seems, in his mind, to be about him, not about your future. You have to find some way to make your choice of college appeal to his self-interest. I realize that it may be too late for this year, but it certainly is not too late for your educational future. A gap year is not long at all in the grand scheme of your life.</p>

49

<p>BTW, if you can indeed find ways to be on your own, that would be the best option. At eighteen, however, you may not be ready for a complete break.</p>

50

<p>I just went back through this post and I am starting to feel a little less sorry for the OP. As far as relationships go - there are always two sides. If the Dad is controlling perhaps the daughter is manipulating? just a wild guess.</p>

<p>Her dad has given her two choices - University of Florida or community college. Honestly, what is wrong with Uof Fla? It’s not your “dream” school?<br>
You despise it? If you go to either of these schools your dad will pay for it? - How can you turn that offer down?</p>

<p>Seriously, grow up. You are not entitled to have your Dad pay for anything. If he chooses to do so it’s out of his love for you and the goodness of his heart. I know plenty of parents who take their kids down to the local recruiting center after high school graduation, or worse. My daughters’ have a good friend who is putting herself through college - her mom kicked her out when she was 12. There are lots of really good students whose parents make them go to the local CC or a state university.</p>

<p>Look at what you have been given, not what you want or think you deserve. Go to the University of Florida - great school btw - many kids would be so lucky. If you still want to go to Emerson then go there for grad school.<br>
Get on with your life and make the best of your situation.</p>

51

<p>Justamom,
The below and the fact that the college trips that they took contraindicates what you’re suggesting about the OP and her dad.</p>

<p>I think it would be a mistake for her to rely on her dad even for support to the schools he claims to be willing to send her to. </p>

<p>“When I began to look at colleges, my dad wouldn’t get involved. I really needed to know his price range, and he would never give me an answer or even an example and said he was busy. Throughout the year I would mention stuff and he would remain silent, and even when I finally narrowed down my choices (2 great, 3 backups) in September and asked him about them and prices and location, he had nothing to say and brushed it off…”</p>

52

<p>OK, I thought maybe I am wrong thinking this is a lie so I looked back at her posts. This kid is fooling everyone! Here is a quote from this thread:</p>

<p>@everyone who mentioned a guidance counselor or any help from my school: I unfortunately go to a tiny–extremely poorly run–and do not have a guidance counselor or anyone that could remotely help me.</p>

<p>Here is a quote from another thread she posted in:</p>

<p>Just to let you guys know, my guidance counselor called to see the status of my application, and they said that it is still under review. So I won’t be in this batch apparently.
They said if any document were late at all, then you will most likely be held up and will find out your acceptance later in march or early april. </p>

<p>???</p>

53

<p>OP, what is your brother doing next year? Can you live with him?</p>

54

<p>bfraz,
I interpeted the OP’s post to mean that she couldn’t get help from her counselor on this situation because her counselor isn’t that skilled. I didn’t interpret it to mean that she lacks a counselor.</p>

<p>I don’t see evidence that the OP is ■■■■■■■■. I’ve known lots of people who came from similarly dysfunctional families.</p>

<p>Here’s what the OP posted last Nov.:</p>

<p>"My counselor is not great…to say the very very least. My number one top choice school, Emerson, had their early deadline Nov 1st. (I am doing early app because I need to get into their honors program for tuition purposes and that deadline is also nov 1). I sent in my honors application and common app, as well as the 2 essays and 2 question responses and teacher recommendation on Oct 31. My counselor was supposed to send in my graded writing sample I gave him (the program requires a hard copy sent in by him) along with my transcripts, secondary report, and guidance counselor recommendation on Oct 25th. I followed up numerously w/ him and he assured me that he did.</p>

<p>I checked my application status 5 days ago, and it said that it was incomplete. It was missing everything he was supposed to send it. I emailed the school, hoping that it was a mistake, but after confronting my counselor, I found out that he failed to send it in. (mind you, it was Nov 24th and the deadline was nov 1). …"</p>

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<p>bfraz: It sounds like she thinks that the guidance counselor is good enough to call colleges, which is part of the job description, but that she’s doesn’t think he or she can help with her family mess - far more difficult. I don’t see any deceit. It sounds like her honest opinion of the guidance counselor, for better or worse. </p>

<p>Seriously, I think you’re way off base. What’s the harm in just taking her at her word. Who are you helping with your accusations.</p>

56

<p>

</p>

<p>No. If that’s what it takes, you can can do it. </p>

<p>Every kid who goes away to college is breaking away. Their advantage is that they have a support system to ease the transition. You will have to reach out to others to find that. You already are doing that, so we know you can.</p>

<p>For example, say you follow CRD’s “Plan B” and move to Boston. Do you go to Church? If you do, connect to a Church of the same denomination in Boston/Cambridge. If you are not religious, find an Al-anon group or a Friends meeting. If that sounds a little weird to you, just go to a meeting house, sit in the back row, and ease your way into the community. People there will help you without trying to indoctrinate you. If nothing else it will ease the loneliness of being new in a big city. Stay in touch with Emerson, too.</p>

<p>First step is to talk to your Mom or your brother about setting up a small account to get started. Take things day by day. You do not have to be a big superhero over-achiever. You will find a room, enroll in a class or two, meet new people and take it from there.</p>

<p>Some of us may have contacts in Boston/Cambridge to PM you with specific addresses or phone numbers when you are ready. Your Emerson contacts probably can do that, too. Reach out.</p>

57

<p>Assuming that the OP is legit – and I see no reason to think that this is not the case:</p>

<p>There are two possibilities here:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>It’s about money.</p></li>
<li><p>It’s not about money.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>These are very different situations.</p>

<p>If it’s about money, the problem may be that the OP’s father cannot afford to pay for anything more than a community college but is having difficulty admitting this to his child or even to himself. For many people, especially men, admitting financial limitations is difficult because money is heavily tied into their self-esteem. My own father used to say “Life is a game, and money is the way you keep score.” For those who share this thinking, admitting that you cannot afford to send your child to any of the colleges that she has been admitted to means thinking of yourself as a “loser.” The OP’s father may find this idea so repugnant that he is doing everything possible to convince his child and himself that there are other reasons why none of the colleges to which the OP was admitted are suitable.</p>

<p>Ideally, of course, if money is the reason, the family would talk about it openly, and the OP’s parents would give her a clear picture of where she stands financially. But money is such a touchy subject that in many families, such conversations never happen.</p>

<p>To the OP: Can you find out – perhaps from your mother or your brother – whether money is the real reason why your father has said that your only choice is community college? If it is, no amount of persuasion is going to change your father’s mind because he simply can’t afford to let you go to any of the colleges that accepted you. In that case, going to the community college and working with the counselors there to figure out how to pay for your last two years of college may be the best option. If money is not the real reason, then some of the ideas suggested here by others about how to deal with an overly controlling parent may be appropriate strategies.</p>

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<p>Another option is to seek a deferral to the first choice acceptance, and work full-time for a year to save money. Of course, that assumes that there’s a job to be had.</p>

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<p>To everyone who thinks my story is fake…I’m sorry that you feel that way. Northstarmom is right; my 25 year old guidance counselor is not whom I can turn to with my problems. Also, his wife just had a baby, so he has taken off time to be with the kid. I do not currently have a counselor at all.</p>

<p>To everyone who thinks I am selfish for refusing Uflorida: I did not get accepted. Months ago I thought I had been because they said I was eligible for some honors thing, but apparently that was preliminary and I did not get accepted. I had written that in my original post, but I guess it was accidentally deleted when I combed through it again. Believe me…Florida would be a sweet relief right now.</p>

<p>I am greatly weighing my options of either taking a gap year and trying to save up money…but it still would not be enough. If I stayed at the job I have now, I would barely make 14k in the next 12 months. That of course would be greatly lessened by paying for rent, utilities, car stuff, and clothing… or so I assume. I have 4k saved up, and I am not sure if the 529 plan is in my name but I know it is for 8k. So I couldn’t afford to pay my way through a 4 yr university would I? Which makes me think that community college far from home would be the best option. I know, I would still be controlled by my dad, and will continue to be as long as he helps me out, but I keep telling myself that I need a good education and a degree. The sooner I get that, the sooner I can stop using his money and get away. I realize that I sound stupid, and I should get away now and stop using him, but I can’t fathom not being able to go to college, or not making enough money on my own to be able to go.
I know it sounds easy and clear to you guys…but for the past 4 years I have had a plan in my head, a plan I have followed completely. Now suddenly, I have 3 weeks to totally change my course of action and figure out if I should disown my family and move away. It is just a lot for me to handle and figure out…and yet time is running out. I wish he would at least tell me I was for sure going to CC so I could plan accordingly, but he is always on the phone or working.<br>
It just seems so scary (yes, I know…that’s life) to completely cut off my parents and try to make this work. I don’t even have any distant family or relatives who can help me through this…except my senile grandma on the east coast.
I will keep you updated throughout the day. Thanks still and I continue to reread your posts.</p>

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<p>Jigfeet, I feel for you. Is there any way you can sit both of your parents down, and tell them that this must be discussed as a family without delay? Tell them that if they walk away from you without addressing this issue that they are walking away from you and your future. Find out if it’s about money. Or about not wanting you to grow up. Or about their disdain for college education. Make sure they know what your ambitions are and how integral college is to achieving them. Once you have their attention, try not to yell or cry or stomp off yourself. Explain as articulately as you have here what is at stake for you.</p>

<p>If it’s about money - if they don’t have the money they thought they did - then there’s nothing you can do; however, anything else may allow you some room to persuade them.</p>