<p>You can change the room to a very nice guest room, why not? it can still be a haven, but does not have to be a crutch, I never said eliminate it, but you can make it multiy purpuse</p>
<p>When my oldest leaves, little sis gets her room (its bigger), the new room will have touches of older D, but will be a room for guests and projects, with a nice futon, tv, etc. She says that is fine, so long as she still has lots of closet space</p>
<p>I never said to override her decision, but you as a mom, seem to understand why D is making the choice she is, and you find it frustrating and narrow, and you know her best</p>
<p>Your D is going to college, personally, why does her room have to be exactly the same as it was when she was in highschool? it can still be nice, and a place for her to sleep, but it can have other uses when she is not there</p>
<p>If you make home the same, she will be the same, and use it as an crutch, and not move on</p>
<p>You can respect her opinion, but she needs to respect yours to do what you need to do, its not a one way street when it comes to respect</p>
<p>Lindalana asked for advice and both you and I responded to her. I do not understand why you feel the need to respond so directly to my advice to Lindalana.</p>
<p>Whether she wishes to follow any advice is her choice.</p>
<p>At summer orientation at my college, they told parents that it's probably best to leave the room the same until at least thanksgiving break. when (if) you get homesick, it's nice to think that your room is still there; it gives you a sense of security i suppose. </p>
<p>Also, coming from a student who was trying to decide between two schools last year and had parents who adamantly favored one over the other while I was trying to make the choice: realize that your child is going through a lot of stress - picking a college isn't easy. Tell her where you'd like her to go and why you think it'd be better that way but don't say it every day and don't ask her all the time if she's decided. It's a big decision and, like others have said, it's one of the first major decisions that we can (and are able to) make all on our own. Unless you think that your daughter will be severely hindered by attending the college that she wants, i think it would be for the best that you respect her decision .</p>
<p>Understand that she may have very good reasons for choosing the college she ha chosen, but she may be unable to articulate it exactly. As you said, she is only 17, but she is not a child anymore, although it is hard for us parents to see it that way. Keep in mind, too, that while you have years of experience, it may not fit with your daughter, who is her own person now. I remember when I was making college decisions, and my mom pushed me in certain directions because she felt she had more wisdom. Ultimately, I made the right decisions for myself, and if I had followed her advice, I would have been completely unhappy. For whatever, reason, your D feels more comfortable at a particular college. Go with it - trust her.</p>
<p>Coming from a early(sophmore) ccer...but w/ a lot of experience(sisters 23 and 24 while i still 16) both outta college..and Went thru a lot of things..my sisters are happy have pretty good jobs..and my parents went thru a lot...my sisters took up a lot of there college desicion but my parents backed them up thru it...one w/ a merit scholarship one at the perfect art school for her...they always had a room to Come back to they were expected to do their own laundry except on special days...even after they have moved out...they both have a room they share to come back to...when they come to visit...</p>
<p>There are still 5-plus weeks left until May 1st. How about a moratorium on discussing the matter until mid-April (unless you still need to plan some follow-up visits)? Your d could do a lot of re-evaluating in that time, and she might actually come to the same conclusions you've reached on her own.</p>
<p>Lindalana,
I am repeating myself...but I read your updated comments and I think a 3rd party might be beneficial in this instance...... do you and your daughter know any current college students you could have lunch with? Can you meet with a teacher or guidance counselor who wrote her recommendation letter? If possible, they might be able to boost your D's confidence and comfort that e-mail will make her feel as close to home from any school.....not just the one closest to home. </p>
<p>I also loved the one poster who encouraged you to research the transfer rates (out of the less her choice, into your choice etc etc) so that she might realize that if the one she wants has only 65% of the kids graduating, then she might realize that she won't want to start over again elsewhere? A lot of statistics are out there and they tell a story.......research it together (demonstrating that you don't know what you will find, together you will see if there are any trends that are scary?) </p>
<p>You don't have to go this alone......I do remember a thread from a parent a while ago about a student who was disappointed with their choice because what seemed comforting initially was too limiting once the first few months had passed.</p>
<p>A lot of these opinions were very interesting...</p>
<p>I have been dealing with a quite huge amount of pressure from my mother to go to a college outside of the country so that I could live with her when she moves, but I am not sure I want to do that.</p>
<p>Every time I get an acceptance letter in the mail, it seems as if I can never make her happy.</p>
<p>She sees the acceptance letter and doesn't really acknowledge them that much and until I ask if her if she is proud of me, she doesn't congratulate me at all. And instead mopes or becomes saddened.</p>
<p>I completely understand why she wants me to be close to her. My brother is at Princeton University right now and our family has dealt with his depression. He has contemplated many times suicidal thoughts and has expressed his want to quit school.</p>
<p>But how do I tell my mother that I want to be independent and make my own choices and be my own person?</p>
<p>I don't want to be pressured to go to a school that I am uncertain about. I can't even list 3 pros about the school and I barely know anything about the school. I know that if I go there, however, I will see my parents frequently and I won't feel homesick.</p>
<p>Whenever I bring up the fact that I might want to leave and go to UCSD and if she continues to pressure me and I end up going there and hating it I will hate her for the rest of my life, she cries and tells me that we should talk about it later. </p>
<p>How do you think is the best way to appease her? I got into top-notch dream schools and I'm not sure I want to let go of this opportunity just so that I could close to my parents.</p>
<p>What about sitting down with her and suggesting that she consider going to the school that is out of her comfort zone for 1 year. If after 1 year she has not made friends and is still missing home, then she could transfer to the other school (with your full support). She could consider it a trial period. Hopefully, by then she would be happy and well-adjusted!</p>
<p>CA_girl:
I totally understand your feeling of never being good enough. In her defense shes is just as afraid of losing you as you are of disappointing her. However Highschool was your hard work, and college will be more hard work. Why not take advantage of a great oppurtunity, you earned it. Choose a school that you feel benefits you the most, one you think you will do the best in. It may, in the beginning, disapoint your mom and for a while it may be rocky, but a mother wants nothing more then to see her child happy, and if you do well in the school you choose eventually she will be happy for you. This is your life, and it seems to me all your asking is for some support. Give her a chance to adjust to the thought of having her daughter away for her, i mean we spend our whole lives with them, and then 18 rolls around and we're whisked away. Imagine how scary that is...</p>
<p>Good Luck and be persistent in talking to your mom</p>
<p>I told D that she could pick any schools, but she had to apply to state U as a safety. I told her when the time came, it would come down to money, and that's what did it, in a way. She begged me not to make her go to the state U - too big, no major she wanted, etc. When the time came, visits and overnights to her choices, then FA package made her decision for her. Rejected her at that time first choice, for an afterthought school. But her visit there solidified it all. We don't have to take out loans, and she is at a wonderful LAC, and remarkably happy.</p>
<p><quote>Since I am the one who is going to pay for it I feel I should be happy with her choices, right?</quote></p>
<p>In my experience, students tend to resent their parents for enforcing that idea. Not because they don't respect the issue of money but because they want to feel as though they're being trusted to make good decisions. She may seem young, but your daughter is probably feeling ready to start planning her life. All in all, college is probably one of the safer decisions she'll make--all schools will educate her, and it's not that difficult to transfer if things go badly. </p>
<p>Reading your other comments on the thread, you've articulated good reasons for concern. I wholeheartedly agree with other comments--talk to her, listen to her, and share your rationales so that you're on the same page. If necessary, introduce a third party, but I would recommend using it as an absolute last resort if the two of you absolutely cannot disscuss the issue together. (It's too easy for a third-party person to facilitate a two-against-one situation.)</p>
<p>
[quote]
Since I am the one who is going to pay for it I feel I should be happy with her choices, right?
[/quote]
</p>
<p>You are starting out setting up a power dynamic where your daughter is on the down side and there does not seem to be room for a happy medium - the golden rule approach (s/he that has the gold makes the rules).</p>
<p>Unless there is a major rice difference in the two schools or major differences in aid, I agree with ringer that at the end of the day this is going to be a lose-lose situation because even though you are on the upside of the power dynamic (by paying) you should not make another person feel as if they are on the down side with little or no recourse.</p>
<p>There will be resentment, games of spite, one upsmanship. what happens if D gets to school does not feel connected and deliberately flunks out because you played the money card and she wants to show you that at the end of the day it is her life? It has been done, because people do want to feel that they have control.</p>
<p>As others stated it is very possible for students to have a full and rewarding life at college and still be close to home as going far away won't gaurantee the experience either. One of D's friends is at NYU (lives one train stop from the school) and parents never see her because she is living and enjoying her college life.</p>
<p>If you think your child is risk adverse (nothing wrong with it as many people are) work on helping her to set up a level of interdependence between the 2 of you where she starts doing stuff on her own, but knows she has a safe haven to come to. I think that is also part of the problem because many of us do not give our kids the freedom or space to grow and then expect it to happen overnight once they turn 18 or go off to college.</p>
<p>in the end it will work it self out one way or the other.</p>
<p>My daughter had many choices, some with big money attached. I listened and discussed, but never influenced her decision. It came down to the last admitted students weekend before she knew.</p>
<p>CA_girl: Your mother is the adult. She has been for some time now. She should be thinking of what's best for you rather than you worrying about what she wants or needs. </p>
<p>This is the time to declare your independence. As you've noticed, nothing you do can make your mother happy, because it's really not about you--it's about her. I'm guessing her loneliness is nothing new. You can't fill her up. Don't ruin your own opportunity for happiness trying.</p>
<p>So, I encourage you to go where you really want to go. Your mother will come around sooner or later.</p>
<p>Ringer05
just to qualify, you said:
"If necessary, introduce a third party, but I would recommend using it as an absolute last resort if the two of you absolutely cannot disscuss the issue together. (It's too easy for a third-party person to facilitate a two-against-one situation.)"</p>
<p>Part of my mentioning a 3rd party included a comment about how the counselor could assist the parent in liking the child's choice..... I was not advocating bringing in parental muscle.....to go 2 on 1 against the child. I was seriously advocating a neutral, informed person who could offer a way thru the advantages/requirements lists to further understand how the schools line up.</p>
<p>As a previous poster said, this will be one of the first really big decisions that your D or S makes. At age 18 they are legal adults. While you might be tempted to use the carrot and stick method to get the decision you think is best, I think it is better to approach this as a learning opportunity in how to make big decisions.</p>
<p>Do we want our kids to come to us for their big decisions the rest of their (or our) lives? No, we want them to learn to make good decisions themselves. When they are going to the college they have chosen, rather than the one that we choose for them, they are more likely to be successful.</p>
<p>But should their decision ignore our input? No, again. Important decisions like this should take into account the multiple dimensions of those affected. It should be based on both the head and the heart, and with the best information available (an overnight visit at the main possible choices if possible).</p>
<p>And this is not an irreversible decision. It is possible to transfer if the school turns out not to be a good fit, after all.</p>