<p>"And this is not an irreversible decision. It is possible to transfer if the school turns out not to be a good fit, after all."</p>
<p>So that is why I make the suggestion she choose the school it would be harder to get into as a transfer!</p>
<p>I like ta chose it chose it I like ta chose it chose it I like ta chose it chose it You like ta...huh....choose it! (emphasis on choose)</p>
<p>Dadx3. What good advice!</p>
<p>Maineparent: I understood what you intended, and I thought about qualifying my own statement in the post but decided not to in the interest of saving space. As it is, however, I'll clarify what I meant.</p>
<p>I've been in a number of situations where two people who needed help seeing eye-to-eye brought in a neutral third party, and it's so -so- easy for one person to feel as though it turns into a majority-rules meeting. I was partially suggesting that the OP's daughter might feel as though two adults were ganging up on her (assuming that the neutral person agreed with the parent). I was also suggesting that the parent might feel as though she were being overruled if the neutral party disagreed with her analysis of the situation and, instead, sided with her child.</p>
<p>This isn't always the case, but I still tend to shy away from bringing in an outside person.</p>
<p>I stand by what I have said before. There is all this talk about the student being a legal adult and making this decision, and yet mom is supposed to keep things the same for D to come home to.</p>
<p>Which is it? Mom is also a legal adult. </p>
<p>I think the D should choose the school she will feel comfortable in, but as the OP states, those reasons seem to have mostly to do with location from home. To me that is not a strong enough reason to pick a school. The OP also was concerned that D will use home as a crutch to return to weekends and not really immerse herself into full college experience if things do not happen quickly enough, and in doing so, it will be even more difficult to "fit in"</p>
<p>So, saying that, if D does opt to stay close to home, home shouldn't be cushy and easy and the same</p>
<p>The room should change (mom is an adult and it is her house after all), there should be a place for D, but it should not be like highschool</p>
<p>I understand the OPs frustration, she feels D wants to be treated like an adult and make her own decision, but her decision seems to be based on fear and wanting have home to fall back on too much...that is not an adult way to make a decision</p>
<p>The decision for a college in many faceted and layered, that is how a true adult makes the decision, not solely on ease of getting home. This is a factor, but it should not be the main one</p>
<p>If the D wants to be treated like an adult, she needs to treat the decision making process like an adult, looking at all factors</p>
<p>citygirlsmom - </p>
<p>It's true, it is the parents' house, but if the OP (or anyone else in such a situation) chooses to totally redo the room, it may come across as a kind of "you didn't do what I wanted so I'm making your decision hard on you" attack. I know that isn't what you intended, and I understand that your kids are fine with their rooms being changed, but this may not be the best course of action. I know if my parents decided to immediately do that to my room come August, I would definitely take it as a personal attack that they were upset with my choice. Really what it boils down to is it depends on the family. If the OP doesn't need the room for something (as I believe you said you did), I don't think there's any reason for her to convert her daughter's room into something for her the second she moves out, especially if it's to prove a point. Going to college is a major change, even if you do stay close to home, and some people need at least one thing that stays the same to hold onto while they are adjusting.</p>
<p>Linda, if it's any consolation, I think that you're "right" on the issue of which school. And for the seeming millionth time, I am so grateful that we did not have this kind of dissonance in our household, that the result of the process was that everyone was pretty much on the same page or, if not always the same page, at least in the same chapter of the same book.</p>
<p>At the same time, I do think this your D's decision, one of the first "real" ones with considerable consequences. I think a discussion of pros and cons is in bounds. </p>
<p>And I think offering emotional support, particularly security, if that's what's blocking her from going further away, might be helpful.</p>
<p>I think the "Golden Rule"--thems that have the gold makes the rules--is a heavy handed club that can ruin a relationship. Setting the amount up front that a parent contribute is one thing; using money to steer a student to a parent's choice is another.</p>
<p>Imo, the discussion needs be outside of a "power" dimension. Where I think the suggestion of a third person could be helpful is in exploring security & confidence issues. </p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>Well, I must know different kids, because most don't seem to worry too much about what mom and dad do to the room, its not punishment, its not getting back at a kid, nots not rejection, its change, pure and simple, kids move on, houses shift around</p>
<p>how long does a parent keep a room in their house a high schoolers room, why can't it become a room that others can use, as it will not be used for 9 months of the year</p>
<p>keeping a room the exact same seems silly to me</p>
<p>if an adult is moving on with life, growing and changing, keeping some stuff as reminders is fine, but I see no reason to keep it a kids room. You no longer have a kid</p>
<p>its not power, its not a fight, its life</p>
<p>If a student is picking a college so they can go home weekends because of fear of not fitting in, that is not healthy. That means the student is making a bad choice to begin with.</p>
<p>Change and moving on is supposed to happen when a person goes to college. </p>
<p>If a person is hurt because their childhood room is changed because they went off to college, for 3/4 of their time, maybe they have other issues.</p>
<p>I may sound cruel, but its that never leave home syndrome. Sure kids return from college for all kinds of reasons, but if everything is exactly the same as they left it, its like they never grew up</p>
<p>The thing we keep reminding ourselves here is that our DAUGHTER will be going to college, not the parents. The ultimate decision will be hers. Our part of the decision making process came before the applications were sent.</p>
<p>After reading some of these posts, i must agree that it isn't always good to bring in a third party...</p>
<p>my mother got very upset when i discussed with her that i talked to my japanese school teacher and he advised me to go to UCSD. she got angry that he "meddled" in our business, when it's actually not true. i asked him for help and he told me that truthfully, UCSD would give me a better education.</p>
<p>i feel that i will be held back by mother for my education. and i don't want that at all. i want to be able to make my own decisions. (please refer to the previous post that i put on here for an idea of what i am talking about.)</p>
<p>thank you by the way for the advice for the previous post.</p>
<p>i am thinking about having my private guidance counselor talk about this with my mother. is that a good idea?</p>
<p>any more advice?</p>
<p>If your family can afford either college, I agree with those who suggest that you let your daughter decide. Maybe she doesn't want to go too far from home because she knows it is a big step. Think of it as maturity that she wants to take those steps carefully.</p>
<p>And please don't give her the "I told you so" speech if she eventually regrets her decision. We often feel different about things in hindsight but that doesn't make the initial decision wrong. It just means that we changed as we learn and experience new things.</p>
<p>to all of those parents that remember my whole situation</p>
<p>i got accepted to Cornell, U of Chicago, Northwestern, Rice, Emory, JHU, and a few other places with merit such as NYU</p>
<p>my parents were pretty adamant about Cornell b/c they liked the whole ivy league thing...the joke is, my parents are from the mid-west, and Chicago and Northwestern are 2 of the most prestigious schools in the region</p>
<p>i really wanted to go to northwestern, it wasn't my first choice, i didn't get into my top choices (UPenn and Columbia).</p>
<p>however, in the end, i visited both cornell and nu and chicago, and i decided on cornell when cornell sweetened the pot and named me a cornell presidential research scholar, which gave me a pretty prestigious membership to a scholarship program at Cornell and research perks</p>
<p>however, i have since realized that cornell isn't the best fit for me, and I kind of knew that when i visited before I made my decisions</p>
<p>ever since this time, me and my dad haven't been on the best terms, b/c he feels bad that i am not really happy at cornell even though he is paying 45,000 for me to attend (no f.a.) and i was upset that he kinda of pushed me to go to cornell, but over time, i have forgot about it.</p>
<p>my advice to any parent: Let your son/daughter go where they want to go, try to be impartial in the process. If your son / daughter asks where you would go in their place, i seriously wouldn't answer this question. I asked my parents this question all of the time, and they always said Cornell, and trust me, a paren'ts advice always influences his children even if they don't admit it. It is a tough process, however, let them make their own decision, if finances aren't involved. The phrase goes, make your bed, and sleep in it. </p>
<p>Good luck</p>
<p>Lindalana - Your post brings me right back to where I felt I was a year ago! My son's first choice was not mine for him. I was wrong!
Thank God I let him make his own decision about his life! So here's my advice FWIW, sit down & talk & listen (NOT DEBATE). Ask her to make a pro/con list for each school. Encourage her to attend the admit day(s) & spend at least one night in the dorms, as well as attend classes she'd be interested in. There's still a month & half; it's not an irreversible decision. Have her wait to send in the card til the 2nd half of April, so she has a chance to hear where her classmates are going... Lots of times kids say they're going here or there, but it's just talk. Remind her to make a decison based on what's best for her & her education & that no matter where she goes, you expect her to do her best. It is an adult decision, but it is neither black & white or right & wrong! She can do this! Let her know you trust her to make a good decision and she will! And if it makes you feel any better, our family is in the throes of this again this year, w/ our D this time, and while still difficult, it's been a lot easier. GL!</p>
<p>I fully understand and respect the whole concept of "I'm paying for it, I should have some say". My parents are footing my entire college bill, including spending money. I understand how difficult this is to do - I'm going to the most expensive college in the Big 12, and so far have not recieved a dime from them, though I'm still waiting to hear back on a couple scholarships. I understand the value of money because I have had an after-school job since I was 16 and have paid for everything except nessecities since I began working. Because of this, I consider it a wonderful gift, not a "given", that my parents are not only paying for me to go to the college of my choice, but also give me spending money each month so I don't have to work if I don't want to.</p>
<p>Having said this, I think it is almost ridiculous to suggest that the parents should have the final say when THEY AREN'T THE ONES GOING. I understand the desire for imput, but in the end, it is not you (the parent) going to this college. It is not you living there every day for at least four years. You may feel you know your child and what they need, and you may very well be completely right. But your child is 18 or about to be, which is old enough to have an abortion without parental permission, get married, stand on the front lines in war, and vote to determine the future of our nation. So, whether you like it or not, in our society, your child is old enough to make this desicion for themselves. If you feel they are not mature enough, that isn't an excuse to live their lives for them, because they will never become mature that way. They have to go through some tough stuff, even if that means ending up at a college that really isn't right for them.</p>
<p>My parents have given me expectations for keeping my college money. I don't agree with them holding college money over my head as a way to keep me in line, but I understand that is their perogative. I think it is fairly reasonable to set expectations like that. But I don't think it should be dependent on what college they choose. My parents told me if I transfer to a more expensive school or a town with a higher standard of living (I want to live in NYC someday soon), they aren't going to give me any more money. But that is not dependent on the school I chose. I don't think it is fair to say, "If you go to my favorite college, I will give you everything you want, but if you go to this college I don't like, I will say "I told you so" and not support you if you want to transfer." </p>
<p>It is within your right as the bill payer to make stipulations on the money you are giving. However, I don't think it is right to "pull the money card" when it comes down to the college they ultimately choose. I think its cheap. There are other ways to gently and lovingly discuss the desicion with your child without having to bring bribery into it.</p>
<p>Our S was fortunate to feel that he had a possible choice among several wonderful schools. We had been instructed that if he was encouraged by a certain one of them that he should make that his ED choice. </p>
<p>S visited his three top choice schools. The school we had been told was the school of choice ended up NOT being HIS top choice. He was adamant about the school he wished to attend. </p>
<p>We shared with him the wisdom that had been shared with us. He shared with us his own thought process. We realized that he had thought this through very carefully and that unlike ourselves, he had visited each campus. We deferred to him with no further discussion.</p>
<p>S's top choice has been a perfect fit for him. H attended an athletic event at the school we THOUGHT would have been the better choice and he said "S was absolutely right. He would not have been happy here." </p>
<p>It's hard to know when the exact right moment arrives to pass the baton. Like life, "it can only be understood backward, but must be lived forward." We're really glad that we trusted S to make his own decision. </p>
<p>However, like snowflakes, no two college scenarios or family dynamics are alike. If there is a variable that you KNOW is causing your child to make a poor decision, then by all means you have the right and the responsibility to weigh in. And the idea of having a trusted third party involved in that process is appealing. A teacher? A school counselor?</p>
<p>I am finishing up my junior year of college and both my parents and myself learned some valuable life lessons in the past 3 years. </p>
<p>I grew up in Columbus, Ohio (where Ohio State is located) and my college decision came down to the big debate between Ohio State's honors program and the University of Wisconsin - Madison. My parents, wanting me to get away and experience new things, were pretty adamently for UW. I, however, had grown up next to OSU, knew what life at OSU was like, and knew that I would be extremely happy at OSU (especially with all of my friends going). A part of me wanted to get away, but a huge part of me wanted OSU over Wisconsin.</p>
<p>Well, I went to Wisconsin for my parents sake... thinking it would be okay. It was their money, afterall. But the point was, my heart wasn't really there. I'd go home on breaks and see what life was like at OSU and long to be there. I'd even walk around campus staring at all the buildings. I don't think anyone is inherently a homebody... I just think it's a result of someone not yet finding a place elsewhere that really fits his/her niche. </p>
<p>To end the story... I REALLY freaked my parents out when I told them I wanted to take a semester off from Wisconsin to transfer somewhere. In my heart, I was thinking I was going to return home to OSU, and even try to pay for it myself (since my parents weren't too into it and I couldn't stand making them pay knowing they resented it). However, along with applying to OSU and having an entire semester's time to myself and working in a coffee shop, on my own I researched A BUNCH of other schools, and found a few that looked just as appealing to me as OSU - ones that I never would have considered just out of high school. I now currently attend BU - I love it here and could not even imagine myself attending OSU (I rarely ever go home, compared to when I was at Wisconsin and went home constantly...). And yet I've also satisfied my parents' understandable desire for me to get away. As much as I'd like to say Wisconsin was a learning experience, it was more of a "I learned to survive in a place I didn't really like far away from home so I wouldn't disappoint my parents who were spending all of this money." Wait until your daughter finds a place that looks more appealing than home to her. I jumped on the plane excited to go to Boston whereas before I was scared and crying the entire ride to Wisconsin. As much as I hate having regrets and am proud of my initial strive for independence...I really regret going to Wisconsin. It was the hardest time of my life. I know you've had more life experience than your daughter... I felt the same way about my parents. But, like the previous posts stated, YOU are not going to this college - SHE is. She's the one who has to spend 4 years there... and let's not scare her off from ever considering leaving home again. Going away can be scary... and it's important to have your heart in it when taking such a risk.</p>
<p>My point is - your daughter should find a place that makes her want to leave home - even if that means applying to transfer somewhere or applying for Spring admission and taking a semester off to settle a little more and discover herself and figure out more what schools she would like. This parent pressure worries me... it really can lead to some horrible situations such as mine in Wisconsin.</p>
<p>I agree with all the posters, its is the students decision, but sometimes, a decision is made from fear and not for other reason</p>
<p>I think that should be addressed</p>
<p>The OP seems to feel, that while maybe the school daughter wants MAY be a good choice, she gets the feeling that D is choosing it for not all the right reasons</p>
<p>A parent knows their child, after 18 years, and knows when they are making choices for reasons that are not the best</p>
<p>its like saying yes to a prom date you don't really like, but is convienent</p>
<p>Even if someone is making a choice for "not all the right reasons", I still think it is their choice to make. Some parents on this thread are suggesting that they child is not mature enough to understand they shouldn't go close to home because their friends are. Still, it is not helping your child mature by making their desicions for them. It will make them resentful if you force them to go to a different school, and they won't go in with the right attitude, which might hurt them in making friends. Part of being an adult is making crappy desicions and learning from them. Let your child start living their own lives with this desicion. And don't hold the money card over their head by saying, "I can't pay for this if I don't support it". Either say, "I will pay for you to get a college education," or, "I won't." Don't make it conditional - it will just hurt your relationship.</p>
<p>all i can think of after reading all this is what happens after the decision is made. I think the parent shou;ld just try to remember that whatever choice their child makes, regardless of if they agree or not, they should remain as a support system, even if itisnt financially. Although kids and their parents often disagree sometime we would like to think that we can make our own decisions and mistakes knowing out parents will still be there after the fact. It sucks to make the choice a prent advised you not to and then to hear about it everytime you speak to eachother, just remain a moral support and someone they can look to for advice. Even adults need a moral boost and some reassurance, and college is a huge adjustment</p>
<p>Assuming that money or other issues that impact the family do not present themselves, the choice should be your daughters IMO. You could discuss the pros and cons of each choice but the final decision should rest with her.</p>
<p>Your concern about the differences between the academics of each college MAY be baseless. I'm assuming it isnt a choice between a Colgate and Whatsamatta State U. And it doesn't matter where you can see her attending, it is where she can see herself attending.</p>
<p>A very high percentage of students attend a college w/i a one hour drive from home. Unless the college she is now preferring is very much closer that shouldn't be much of an issue. If she is very introverted it is possible that she needs that proximity as a safety line to relieve her anxiety. If she feels a need to come home more often than most students, at least that choice is available to her. If she has a nice circle of friends and was active in HS it seems unlikely that you will be seeing her too many weekends after a month or two. Hopefully each college has a good orientation program to allow her to make some friends prior to the start of class.</p>
<p>We stayed totally out of the decision making process with our son other than to remind him to consider the amount of student loans he would be taking on if he chose to attend Oberlin.</p>