<p>I always called my parents often. My father is 85 and I still call him at least once a week. In many families, it is a matter of respect and responsibility for children to stay in touch with parents. If I spoke to my child two or three times a semester, I would be heartbroken and upset that we had so little contact. However, you may find this is what works best in your family. I think there is a wide range of “normal” behavior and we shouldn’t be so eager to call more or less contact/emotion/expression within families “mentally-ill.”</p>
<p>It was obviously exaggerated in the movie for laughs. That being said, do you think that they were all crazy? At the end of the movie, the point was that she loved her family, valued their love and compassion, and she realized that she wouldn’t trade them or change them for the world. Didn’t she move in next door?</p>
<p>LOL Actually, I’ve become closer to our 2 dogs and 4 cats since our daughter became a teenager and gradually started pulling away. My husband is a man of few words, as well. So, guess who I talk to? Yep—our pets! And, you know, they rarely disagree with me and NEVER talk back. Unconditional love at its finest! ;)</p>
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<p>uscd-ucla dad wrote:</p>
<p>Haha - when my youngest D went off to college my W and I decided it was too quiet around here so we went out and adopted a dog - i.e. I replaced my D with a dog</p>
<p>To prepare for younger S’s leaving the nest, I got two bunnies. I call them his “sisters.” I get to spoil them in ways that I couldn’t do to my children. :)</p>
<p>If the OP’s descriptions are accurate, these are not examples of normal behavior. And otherwise normal, loving people can do things that are highly dysfunctional. Being mentally healthy isn’t an all or none deal.</p>
<p>"My mom once called him at four in the morning on a work day because she “just needed to hear his voice” (sure, it was a Hallmark-worthy gesture, but let’s be reasonable here). When we dropped him off at college, my mom literally (literally) had to be dragged away from him kicking and screaming bloody murder on the floor - for such an introvert, did she ever make a scene. You’d think she’d been stabbed. </p>
<p>Anyway, my parents are already getting emotional about me leaving this fall…A few nights ago at dinner, for example, I said the word “college” and my mother became hysterical and left the room and my dad promptly followed suit - and that sort of thing has happened several times"</p>
<p>I guess you took the OPs comments to the letter. I factored in a high school senior girl’s (I have one) somewhat emotional take on the events, i.e., I read “drama” in the daughter’s words. Which makes sense, given that she lives in a dramatic household.</p>
<p>Back when I was a mental health professional, I had to deal with some families with highly dysfunctional behavior, so I took her words literally. Of course, none of us knows what she’s really dealing with. That’s why it would be good for her to talk to a GC or other trusted, knowledgeable adult in real life.</p>
<p>I had a short and fairly productive discussion with my parents at lunch about college, and surprisingly no theatrics this time… we mainly discussed living arrangements if I decide to go to this one college, honors dorms, etc…
Yes, I read back over the original post and I feel like I represented them unfairly and as flighty, helpless people who are too busy putting on dinner theaters to help their son (!) in this process. “Dragged away kicking and screaming bloody murder” or whatever I wrote just sounds ridiculous, but I guess it’s just an excessively purple way of describing something that actually happened. </p>
<p>I think my original post makes me sound immature and ungrateful, and I apologize and sort of regret even posting this.</p>
<p>I’m happy that you had a good talk, buriedalie. It sounds like your parents are only interested in your well-being. You are lucky that you have parents who can easily express their love for you - many people cannot. While they may be frustrating at times, just remember that you’ll find few people in life who will care for you as much as your mom and dad.</p>
<p>Buriedalie,
I’m glad that you were able to have a rational discussion with your parents. It sounds like they are stressed about becoming empty nesters and the theatrics help them deal with it. It will be hard on them when you leave, but please don’t feel like you have to stay home to make things easier for them. My guess is that they do want you to do what’s best for you. It will help if you assure them that you will keep in touch. </p>
<p>My mother acted really crazy before I got married. She felt that she was losing me and couldn’t handle it. Things actually got much better after I moved out and set boundaries. As I said before, do what’s best for you. Your parents will cope.</p>
<p>I’m glad you talked to your parents & I’m glad that you went back and thought over your original words. Since they don’t seem to be embracing the concept of the empty nest, could you help them through the process of figuring out what they want to do next? Are there any activities or hobbies that they used to do, that they’ve let fall by the wayside while raising kids? Maybe gently reminding them of those types of things will help them prepare for the next chapter of their lives. And it would be a great topic of conversation to bring up when you call home when you’re at school.</p>
<p>I don’t think it makes you sound immature or ungrateful. You don’t remember your toddler years, but that was your first try at independence and it took a lot of time and practice. So too will these next few years require a lot of both. I think when you have an older sibiling who is not handling things as you wish too, that also adds to the difficulty.</p>
<p>I’m glad you were able to talk to your parents. Keep talking. And if you get stuck, we’re here. I wish you the very best of luck. Also, please do be vigilant about your depression returning. Eat well, sleep and be good to yourself.</p>
<p>I can understand your feeling that way, these are your parents after all. But there may be more truth in that first post than even you realize. There’s a lot of ambiguity in your language, so it’s hard for me to tell how much hyperbole you’re using. Even your name, “buriedalie” is confusing. Like, is it a misspelling, or are you burying a lie? Are your descriptions “excessively purple” or “something that actually happened”? It can’t be both, really. I don’t mean to cross-examine you. I guess my point is that you need to examine your own feelings about your parents’ behavior and don’t second-guess yourself. Trust your own reactions. Then, you can find a place where you can balance your own needs vs. your love and obligations towards your parents.</p>
<p>mousegray hit the nail on the head - find that place of balance. There is a balance between acknowledging parent’s wishes and setting up some healthy boundaries for yourself.</p>
<p>BTW you are a very good writer! Your description of your mom’s behavior and your feelings about it show a tremendous amount of observation, compassion and awareness of the complexity of the situation. Hope that you get to the college you want to go to, the distance away from home you want to be :), set up healthy boundaries with your family and really excel with what you choose to do!</p>
<p>Yes! There’s really something to that. You are an excellent, funny writer. Just think of all of this as …material. (see: Running with Scissors for crazy-making parent behavior)</p>
<p>Not to mention, this could almost, all by itself be a great, amusing college essay – but you would want to conclude how “going to college x is my dream” and nobody, not even your loving parents could keep you from achieving your dreams.</p>
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<p>Uh no. Ok, they are suffering, but not as much as they are making their kids suffer. Their histrionics are vastly manipulative and controlling. Please see this for what it is. You are a smart kid. Don’t be taken in by this. It might take some time away from home to get a better sense of perspective.</p>
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That is funny! Awesome writing!
please don’t do that if it doesn’t have what you are interested in. In terms of your parents, go at least…4 hours away. That’s far enough to preclude ‘impromptu’ visits, but close enough to drive it if you must.</p>
<p>Don’t get me wrong. I adore my kids. I miss the two in college very much, and will miss their sister (waaaaahhhhh) when she goes this year. But I would NEVER impose rules about calling or seeing me – it wouldn’t work anyway. My kids have their lives and I respect that.</p>
<p>Here’s another wrinkle to the story: I assume you and your brother want to some day have a serious girlfriend, get married and have kids. No girl worth anything will put up with you being so choked by Mama’s apron strings. ‘Mama’s Boy’ is one of the top deal-breakers in any relationship.</p>
<p>My older daughter and I have always been very close, sometimes I do wonder if I am demanding too much of her. We talk almost everyday, even when she was abroad . I have to say that I really do miss her when I don’t hear from her. She is very considerate and mature. When she is very busy, she’ll write me an email to tell me her day instead of calling. It is her way of setting a boundary, and I do respect that. I do wait for her to call if there is nothing urgent. It is hard for some of us to let go, but it doesn’t mean that we want to smother our kids. You may suggest to your older brother to text or send email instead of calling your parents everyday.</p>
<p>Being the middle child in a fairly large family in the early 70s, I’m not even sure my parents knew I had left for college. My dad probably figured it out when the 1st bill came.</p>
<p>My older brother drove me and dropped me off at my dorm. He was with a friend and they were heading off to the local bars. This was back in the days when there was no welcome program or anything. We had registered for classes during orientation in the summer. There I sat in my dorm room on a hall with 30-40 other freshmen. Welcome to college!</p>
<p>I ran a summary of your posts past Happykid this morning. Adjusting for the Cuban/Venezuelan norms of Happydad’s family, her take on this is: multiple phone calls each day are OK, but that 4 am call just because your mom was missing your brother is not OK. Your mom definitely went over the edge there. Even if your mom isn’t willing to get help on that one, you should consider getting help for yourself. What are you going to do when she calls you at an equally inappropriate time?</p>
<p>Happykid suggests (like others have) sending text messages. Something else to consider is writing real letters on real paper. The kind your mom and dad most likely sent home to their parents back in the last century when they were in college. Talk to your parents about how often, and just exactly how, they communicated with their families. This could help them get a bit more perspective. For example, I wrote someone (parents, siblings, HS friends, cousins, grandparents) almost every day my first year of college, but by senior year the letters had tapered down to the standard pleas for money (parents) and places to stay at spring break (grandparents). I was allowed one collect call home every two weeks except for a medical emergency. </p>