I’m a freshman, and relatively new to dorm living, so maybe I’m unclear on the way these things go but my roommate keeps both passive-aggressive and blatantly things that strike me as vaguely reminiscent of oppositional defiance disorder. i.e. locking me out every night even when I specifically leave the door unlocked, slams the doors and turns on light at 5 am when I’m sleeping etc. I’m not one to go around haphazardly throwing around diagnoses just because I’m a psych major, but her attitude and behavior is quite literally textbook. Does anyone have experience dealing with ODD that could offer some advice? She’s making it very difficult to live harmoniously, and I’m honestly trying but whatever I say, she does the exact opposite. Help please.
Why are you leaving the door unlocked? Many students, especially female students,* may feel unsafe going to sleep with no barrier between them and whoever might pass through the hallway.
- I mention that bit just because my school specifically dealt with a guy going around entering unlocked rooms and touching/watching sleeping women.
That’s a valid comment but this is an all girls dorm with a 24/7 gaurd at the door. No one gets in or out without school Id. Most people keep their doors unlocked here. I would be okay with her wanting to lock the door when she’s alone but she doesn’t tell me or warn me to take my keys which results in frustration. The lack of communication is the main issue here.
Always take your keys. Even an all girl dorm with a guard can have thefts occur in the rooms (even when people are sleeping in them). Your roommate is not at all unreasonable to lock the door any time she wants to, no matter what. It doesn’t matter what other people do. Keep your keys with you, period.
Regarding lights at an eariy morning hour, you can engage your RA if you can’t negotiate something with her. Maybe she can just turn on her desk lamp and dress quietly if she is up early to study or go workout or whatever. And make sure you are equally respectful late at night if she is asleep (I suspect you have not been taking your keys, therefore have been waking her up to let you in, and she is pissed off at that – and while it is a bit childish for her to retaliate, YOU have been ignoring her desire for you to take her keys).
Just because your roommate likes to act in passive aggressive ways when she’s fed up or disagrees with the way you like to act in your room does not mean she has a disorder. A psychiatrist would explain to you that many people with undiagnosed/untreated ODD have SERIOUS behavioral issues in school/with the law etc…
Have you actually tried to work out issues with your roommate? Have you involved you RA? You can complain here, but you need to work things out with these people in order to get meaningful change.
Regardless if you live in locked, all female dorm with a guard, you should be locking the door. It is just foolish not to. People who want to do harm will easily find ways to get inside. The previous poster offers some excellent advice. You need to work it out. You said you were new to dorm living. What dorm living involves is working together. If all efforts to consider each other’s needs still don’t reach a healthy level of coexistence, then move.
It’s not her job to nag you about your keys.
This doesn’t necessarily sound like ODD. I am the parent of a child with ODD (though it has abated quite a lot as he reached adulthood) and he has always been polite to other kids. He is well liked and popular and is an Eagle Scout. It’s adults who bore the brunt of his annoyance when they had the nerve to treat him like a child! I realize that my son isn’t typical ODD and, thankfully, he didn’t convert into a conduct disorder, but it’s still not a good idea to go around diagnosing your roommate.
I lock the door when anyone in my family walks out and I have my college kids do the same. Leaving the door unlocked, even to go to the bathroom, is not a good idea. Taking your keys is a better idea. Slamming doors and turning on lights at 5 AM are different issues that need to be dealt with. Have you discussed these issues with your roommate yet? If not, start with that. My D and her roommate used a flashlight when either of them had to get up before the sun rose. That way, the girl could see but not disturb the roomie. As for slamming doors, is the door one that closes quickly? Maybe it can be oiled or adjusted by the maintenance staff so that it doesn’t slam and that might alleviate the issue. Otherwise, I don’t think it’s wrong to nicely say that you would appreciate her not slamming the door. If that doesn’t work, go to the RA.
Dorms are not necessarily safe places and you do need to lock the door every single time you leave the room. Your roomate is not in the wrong. Keeping your key with you at all times will eliminate this issue. This will also show that you are willing to compromise.
As far as the other behavior is concerned, it is aggressive and rude but I would refrain from diagnosing and focus on solutions. Handling interpersonal conflict is challenging for most of us. Techmom99 gave you some great advise. You could also consider asking the RA to be present during a conversation with your roomate, as a sort of mediator. I suggest this because you feel you roomate may have issues.
I think maybe you are using your degree classes to diagnose something that is really not ODD at all. Your roommate isn’t happy with YOU and you ignoring her requests. So she isn’t feeling particularly respectful of you. Stop armchair diagnosing.
What you should learn as rule #1 as a psych major: only a therapist or otherwise qualified professional can dx someone. Deal with the behavior, don’t put a label on it.
Always bring your keys. It’s reasonable for the door to be locked. Always.
Bring in the RA about the other issues
She has never voiced a single request and I have no idea what will
Bother her when so instead of her texting me to come get my keys that she wants to lock the door she’ll lock it I’ll be stuck
Outside at 2am with no way in but to wake my RA. And I said she acts as if she has ODD I’m not diagnosing her. But if you were to look up ODD those descriptions are exactly my Roomate. Every one. Obviously her only issue isn’t that she’s looks the door but she has no sense of communication or communal living and zero social skills and every thing else on the list of being ODD. So I’m not the issue here.
No, TAKE YOUR KEYS EVERY TIME YOU LEAVE THE ROOM. To go to the shower, to check the mail, to pop in across the hall. Take your keys. That is the adult thing to do. If you keep waking her up to get in, it helps explain why she is upset with you at 5 am the next day.
Diagnosing a roommate is not conducive to communal living. You are a freshman so that means you have, what, taken two psych. classes? If you approach the roommate as if she has a disorder, it is not going to go well. Take your keys, use a white noise machine or speak to her (and then the RA) about the 5am behavior. If you are entitled to a single room for any reason you could try that too.
You’re being unreasonable.
Take your damn keys.
Start taking your keys and being as quiet as humanly possible when entering the room late at night. See if the early morning noise improves in response. If it doesn’t, bring it up nicely as a request. Failing that, escalate to RA.
But the process begins with YOU. There is something you can change that will have a direct impact on one of the issues you cited; why wouldn’t you try it? Why dig in your heels and insist “But she’s the problem” when there’s something within your power to do?
This is nuts that the OP wants to get into her room at 2 am and expects the door to be unlocked or for her roommate to send her a “come get your key” text.
So you bang on the door and come in making noise at 2am anfmd that is ok. But her making noise at 5 am is not ok? Do you see the problem. Also how many times to gou have to get locked out to relize you need to tale your keys?
You need to be mature and respectful of the fact that you have a roommate. Take your keys with you- all the time- it is not fair and it is unsafe to expect her to go to sleep with the door unlocked. Your keys should be with you at all times. And… be as quiet as you can when entering the room.
Once your roommate sees that you are trying, she may start to be quieter when she is up and you are sleeping.