It’s been a wild ride through the college admissions process. To give a bit of background, I come from a mid-upper class Asian family that migrated here after the Cultural Revolution and education is what got them here. My brother attended Princeton and my parents expected the same. Or better yet, Harvard. My dad and I don’t have the best relationship since my mom doesn’t live with me (she works six hours away but my parents are not divorced).
As Ivy Day rolled around, I cheered as I was accepted into UC Berkeley, and then the rest came in. All rejections. Not even a waitlist to the Ivy Leagues. As my dad heard, all hell broke loose in the house, which consisted of just my dad and me. At least I was physically untouched is all I can say. Now that I’m about to graduate and blessed that I’m attending college, he still calls me a failure. Failure to his efforts, my mom’s efforts, his money, my mom’s money, and whatever else there could be. I recently attended a grad party brought together by my parents’ friend group. After it, my dad sneered to me, “Now look at you. You’re the failure of that bunch. Even the dumbest kids in that group are going to better colleges than you.” And it really hurt.
I’m not looking for pity, but I was just wondering if other people had advice on going through this and coping with it. And yes. I know suicide is not the answer. Thanks
Do not let your parent’s define you. You need to make sure you put their beliefs in a box, shut that lid, and don’t open it. What you have accomplished is amazing, wonderful, fantastic and so much more! You can be very proud of yourself! I can guarantee you ever parent here on CC is!!
Your parent’s beliefs are their own issue. You know they mean well but this attitude in an error on their part. Above all don’t do this to your own children if you have them one day and don’t use this as an excuse to make bad choices in life. AKA: rebellion.
You have a great college and a great life ahead of you. Go out and enjoy every minute of it. You’ve done great! Hold you head high, be polite to your parents, but keep up the self-talk that you are on the right path and doing the right thing! I’m so happy for you and so happy that you are moving on and into your own independent life. Keep your humor, find a lighter side and press on with your own goals and dreams.
You are in a hard situation, and it is not going to change. All you can do is make the best of your college years, find good employment and become financially independent.
Moving away from your parents, physically, emotionally, and financially is the healthiest thing you can do.
Start with finding a summer job/research opportunity for the summer after your freshman year. Your goal should be to leave for college and never have to live with either parent ever again.
They will probably use guilt and/or money to control your life. If they threaten to pull funding for college, you may have to play by their rules.
Start counseling at UCB when you arrive on campus. Speaking with a counselor in your student health center can give you some ideas on how to balance academics with healthy physical exercise, social connections and ways to de-stress.
Bad parenting is cyclical, you pass on what you know from how you were raised. But with counseling, determination and practice you can break the cycle and learn how to truly love others.
First off, congratulations on your acceptance to Berkeley! That’s AWESOME!!!
Your parents are being ridiculous. There is nothing less prestigious about Berkeley. For many majors they are ranked higher than the Ivies. This is about them, not you.
Go forth and do amazing things at Berkeley and beyond. You will find community there. Go to counseling. Life your best life!
My sense is your parents will come around but until then, keep reminding yourself that you’ve done fabulous!
Wow, that’s really sad. I hope you understand that it’s your dad who is the problem. He’s going to be a lonely old man one day. Hopefully he will realize that he’s wrong, but you can’t worry about that, frankly. You need to do your best for YOU! Not to prove anyone wrong, but to ensure that you set yourself up for a happy life.
Please consider seeing a counselor as soon as you go to college. You might not feel it now, but growing up in that toxic atmosphere is bound to have an effect on you. Nip it in the bud by keeping yourself balanced. Are you close to your brother at all? Maybe reach out to him. If you need a pretext, just say you want tips on doing well in a rigorous environment. Best of luck to you. You have a good head on your shoulders.
@SpicyJam , that’s great advice from PowerCropper.
Some kids go to college and rarely if ever return home. Sometimes it’s because of difficulties in the household. Sometimes it’s because the young adults find they can grow and become the new person they always wanted to discover when they are away from home.
Don’t fall into your parents’ trap that only an Ivy school is good enough. You can thrive at UCB. You can thrive anywhere. Go, learn, thrive. And learn to enjoy yourself and your life in a way that is obviously impossible around your parents.
As far as coping tips, the first thing I recommend is to have as little contact with your father as possible during your first year at college. Make friends, join a student club/group, dig into your studies, and start living your life on your terms. Choose friends and spend time with professors who think positively, who offer you helpful advice and good cheer. That can make a world of difference in your life.
You’re going to be living on your own for the first time and there will be so much you will be experiencing for the first time. So many good things. You may find that you don’t think about home as much as you anticipate. When I went off to college as a freshman, I enjoyed my new “home” so much, I almost never went to visit my hometown, even though I was only 30 minutes away. I stayed on campus for Thanksgiving and Easter, and most other holidays. Make your own new traditions.
Also want to add that it is a huge positive that you are not suicidal. That tells me you have Hope of a better life in your future. That Hope inside you can inspire and motivate you during the stressful times in college.
This forum is a save place to vent, and to be encouraged when you need it.
Goodness. Your father couldn’t be more wrong, and on so many levels.
First of all, Cal is an INCREDIBLE school and it is VERY difficult to be accepted. In and of itself, the fact that your dad is calling you a “failure” in the context of this acceptance is laughable. That said, I realize there is no laughing about this situation. But, holy moly, absolutely outstanding students are rejected left and right from UC Berkeley. It is THE flat-out dream school of thousands throughout the nation and world. You write that you are “blessed that I’m attending college.” Don’t let his toxic and uninformed opinion poison you to the truth. It’s UC BERKELEY!!! That’s an amazing school, regardless of whatever nonsense your dad has to say about it. @ucbalumnus, would you consider weighing in here?
Second, it’s clear from your post, as others have written, that you have a good head on your shoulders. The fact that you have weathered your homelife situation this well speaks to that, as does your thoughtful and measured post. This was a particularly intense and difficult admissions year, and you’ve been accepted to a world-renowned institution. Even if you hadn’t, I’d place a bet on your bright future, based on how you’re handling the adversity caused by someone who should be your biggest cheerleader.
Last, this phase of your life is coming to an end; there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Not everyone wins the dad lottery, and your future won’t be defined by him unless you let it be. So many wonderful things await you. Just keep your chin up and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Congratulations and have a wonderful time at Cal!!
Clearly your father does not understand US colleges…UC Berkeley is a top US college.
He may only value the “name” colleges (as people in Asia may do) but you realize that you are going to a challenging, top school that is well recognized here in the USA.
I am not sure what your father wants from you right now…I think he may lose you.
He is operating under Asian culture rules…but you may decide that you don’t need to hang around people that emotionally abuse you.
I would put up with this while he/your mom are paying for college…but then you are free.
I agree with others to look for summer jobs so you don’t have to spend as much time at home. Talk to your professors early on about any ideas they may have. ALso go to your career center to find out about summer jobs.
SpicyJam, if your dad is so much into ranking and prestige, perhaps he should check the Shanghai Ranking (a.k.a. ARWU) http://www.shanghairanking.com/ It has UC Berkeley as #5, and Princeton as #6 in the world. Just sayin’
You got into a highly selective and fantastic school, so congratulations to you!
Hopefully you realize that your father’s cruel words are a reflection of his own inner thoughts about himself and his failures and disappointments with his own life. They aren’t truly about you.
Go to Berkeley and have some fun!
PS: My father graduated from Northeastern (undergrad, and before it was anywhere near its current ranking). His secretary at the time of his retirement was a Harvard grad.
Just wanted to say thank you so much for all the support I didn’t expect so much out of this thread but it really means a lot to me. I should also clarify that I’m not actually attending Berkeley anymore… I will be at NYU Stern instead! More advice is always welcome as I continue tackling challenges in life.
And don’t necessarily take all this abuse of your father as a complete condemnation of him. He has had a lifetime of experiences that led him to a point where he feels that getting into a specific school can actually save your life, or that success is terribly narrowly defined. It’s uninformed, mean-spirited and could really crush many kids, but so far you’re still standing so God bless and stay strong. Live, let him know you are safe and thriving, build a good life so he knows he’s provided for you, and keep looking forward. His technique is horrible, but there’s a good chance this disappointment is rooted in a dream of seeing you succeed and he’ll mellow as it comes to fruition.
NYU - Stern is a fantastic outcome. I echo the others in congratulating you on the many accomplishments that led you there. I’m sorry about your dad’s reaction. At this point you need to seek satisfaction from within rather than from others. Go off to Stern and do great things – make the most of your classes, peers, professors – seek out and take advantage of the opportunities that abound both at school and in NYC – take academics seriously but be sure to have fun along the way.
As a bit of unsolicited advice – every college has free mental health services. While you sound incredibly well grounded, it may not hurt to talk things through with a professional who may know some good strategies for dealing with parents like yours.
@SpicyJam Both NYU Stern AND Berkeley! I don’t know what your father is on, or what world he lives in, but being accepted to these two colleges puts you way up there.
Acceptance rate to Harvard = 4.9%
Acceptance rate to NYU Stern = 4.8%
So you have been accepted to a more selective program than Harvard. You have a very good reason to be proud of yourself, and that is in addition to your great accomplishments in High School.
Cool heads always prevail. Sorry, I am going to offer you some very practical advice right now. And it is totally self serving for you, but it is what it is.
If your parents are paying for your education be calm and have a plan.
It would make sense to withdraw from the situation without completely blowing up the relationship. Your dad sounds unstable and perhaps why your mom is living at a distance. You do not want to provoke some version of being “cut off” or disowned as an act of retaliation.
You will be leaving for NYC in a few weeks. Just go and create your own life. Make sure to get internships every summer, you won’t have to go home again in reality.
You will have to navigate the holidays and breaks. Perhaps you can visit your mom or suggest they come to NYC to see you. You will have to only live through some family dinners in a public restaurant. I doubt you would be berated in public.
Once you get your job at Goldman or Merrill they will be proud of you and perhaps you can maintain a distance relationship over time.
@MWolf While it does not diminish the OP’s accomplishments in the least - rather so the OP or anyone else doesn’t quote incorrect numbers - the acceptance rate to Stern is not lower than Harvard at 4.8%. I believe you took a ratio of the number of available spots (600) to applications (12,435) per this website https://www.stern.nyu.edu/programs-admissions/undergraduate/why-stern/numbers. However, Stern must accept more than 600 students as not every accepted student takes a spot at the school (known as yield). It looks like the acceptance rate to Stern is closer to 8% https://poetsandquantsforundergrads.com/2019/02/27/what-it-takes-to-get-into-nyu-stern/– still very very selective and a huge accomplishment on the part of the OP to get in.
At a public lecture on cosmology, the astrophysics professor talks about the life phases of the Sun and tells that audience that in about 3.5 billion years, the Sun will produce so much light that the Earth will be uninhabitable. A little old lady raises her hand, and in a frightened voice asks "did you say that the Earth would be uninhabitable in 3 billion years? The lecturer replies “no, it’s 3.5 billion years”. “Thank you, that’s a relief!” replies the woman, visibly calmer.
